ANSWERS: 11
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Time babe. But if you havent already you must tell your bf before he distances himself from you. He will understand. When you do it, be aware of it, look at him, laugh it of and give him a kiss. Its importnat that you reassure him, becuase flinching or pulling away can make him feel rejected...and that would make you both victims of your ex
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I would be hurt too depending on how long you have been together. I understand it is an uncontrolable reaction, but so is his. you have to work together to get through this... honestly much affection will be needed to soothe the pain each time it occurs. now to figure out how to fix the problem... you need to make yourself vulnerable to him to show your reflexes he is not a threat. any opportunity to exersize trust in him you need to do it (unless there is already a high stress level) maybe have him give you a oil massage and wear one of those sleeping masks over your eyes (the mask is important because not being able to see makes you more vulnerable without restraint.) maybe you should have him greet you when ever he can by surprise with a warm hug from behind. (not trying to scare you, just not giving you warning either.) things which will trigger your reflexes but are good so your reflexes can learn to turn off. you would have to make a concious choice to not resist.
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Have you explained the reason to him? You will get better over time, its all part of healing and forgetting. Its hard to relax until its out of your head and your body realises it doesnt have to put up the defense. Youll get there hun :)
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Only time! Those emotional and physical wounds need time to heal and it takes a while. Good luck xx
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I am so sorry that you were abused - no-one, male or female, deserves that! Have you ever had any counselling to help you recover from the abuse? If not, I would recommend it. It really helps you to heal emotionally and to approach new relationships in a healthy way. Your new boyfriend is lucky that you are so concerned about his feelings when you have so much hurt of your own that you have to deal with. God bless!
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It's just a conditioned response and has nothing to do with him - make sure you're both aware of that. But anything conditioned can be re-conditioned, which means the more times he makes a move and then you find that nothing happens, the less likely it will be that you will flinch when he does. The whole thing is really Pavlovian and has nothing to do with how you feel; it's just a conditioned response. Which is actually good news! Conditioning is one of the easiest things to achieve and also one of the easiest things to break free from, if you're willing to work at it.
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Time time time. Give yourself time. If the new BF is as good as you hope he is, he will understand. If you try to not flinch you probably will, coz you are concentrating on not flinching instead of being comfortable. Anyhow, tell the BF you like things slow and steady, tickle here, touch there,if he does these things, he could be surprised at what he will get in return.
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you probally subcouncesly are afraid of your boyfriend but that ok because i'm sure its hard to trust that your not going to get hit. let him know what you had gone through and work together with trust exercises like falling backwards you not him, and let him catch you, have him blindfold you and direct you while walking through a park your trust will build in him i don't think your afraid of him i think you don't trust him. but its ok it takes time to overcome abuse. be kind to yourself don't blame yourself for this.
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I was with someone who would grab my arm everytime I came near. I grew to hate being grabbed by the wrist. My husband did it once and I explained to him why I was so scared and upset with that gesture. He was kind enough to stop doing it immediately because he knew how scared it made me. He respected my feelings. My husband best friend,a cousin, was killed in a car crash. He was driving a red Corvette. My husband has never been able to go near a red car. Red is my favorite color. We've never had and will never have a red car because I respect his feelings. Hope this helps.
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DATE A SLOTH!
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Your scars from your past will always be with you but thank God your with someone who is not abusive and be shure you let him know that your aware your no longer with an abuser. I too am with a woman who was abused and she always lets me know she feels safe with me. Yes there are days her past will show up and she will be somewhat cool towards me for no reason but I know we love each other and I feel wonderful knowing she feels safe with me. Talk to your boyfriend and both of you will feel better. God bless you and best of luck.
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