My boyfriend is nearly 18 yet his mother still wants to make his lunches, do his laundry, tell him what to wear and do and otherwise interfere and be controlling. He refuses to confront her; how can I go about doing it?
by 
Shan
ANSWERS: 36
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You can't get in the way of a mama and her baby..
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I can't think of a bigger mistake than coming between a mother and child. The best thing you can do is stay clear of her and be with him away from home. If you try and get in her face...she will do all she can to wreck all there is between you and your BF. Stand clear of mommy...
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Are you trying to take her place, or do you just want him (or her) to grow up?
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You get between those two and you'll lose yo...
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RUN, FAST AS YOU CAN, you are never going to change a Mama's boy.
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I do not believe she is controlling, with intent. She just does not want to let go of her son. This is normal. I do not believe its your place to interfere. Let him make this decision. and, he will when the time is right. Wait your time. if not if could destroy your relationship.
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biggest mistake is to confront her.. your boy isn't ready to move on and maybe he doesn't want to for his own personal reasons. What his mom is doing is not to purely torture him.. it's perfectly normal for mothers to act this way they want to hold onto their children for as long as possible. Don't interfere.. you'll lose.. and the worst thing that could happen, and what will most likely happen if you run into this situation with her is that she'll end up not liking you.. and then guess what? your boy will either break up with you or get the courage to tell his mother that he can't because he loves you. Don't fight the mom, you'll definitely go down.
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I know a guy who is 36 and is still living with his mother. It's one thing when he's there to help her but it's quite different when he's there to help himself. 36! He has the maturity of an 18 year old. Is that what you want? To be someone's substitute mother?
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How can you go by doing it huh? Well young lady you don't. He is not your husband. It's her son who still lives in her house. Ubtil he can afford his own house, food and all necessitives. She has the right to tell him what to do. And if the two of you are that common at such a young age he will probaly not be your husband. So the best thing for you to do is not interfere, If one day he is your husband you have made an enemy before the fact.
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DONT. Your boyfriend needs to do some things himself. And you interfering wont fix anything, just get his mom mad at you. Your bf may seem to act like he hates it.. But since he has made no attempt to tell her to stop.. whats to say he doesnt hate it?? This is between your bf and his mom. and should have nothing to do with you. ~+~
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Follow these tips from this excellent e.how article: One person's confrontation is another person's standing up for herself! Confrontations can be scary, but are often necessary when others do wrong or inappropriate things. There should be nothing frightening about confronting a person that you believe to be in the wrong. http://www.ehow.com/how_2192543_be-confrontational.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art
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Surely, you can do better at finding a BF! He lives with his mother at 18! I remember guys that were 18 and in charge of the lives of at least 50 men! You need to find one of those people!
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You don't. It's not really your business what his mother chooses to do, even though her son is your boyfriend. For all we know, your boyfriend may like it that his mother does his laundry, makes his lunches, and buys his clothes. If he didn't, I'm sure he would have said something by now or learned how to do his laundry on his own and so on. What you can do,though, is show him how to do his laundry and maybe even make lunch with him and go clothes shopping with him. If he doesn't want to do any of that, then you will probably understand how his mother feels and maybe even feel sympathy for her. ;)
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You shouldn't. It's HIS place to do so, if he so desires. If YOU do it, you could alienate HER, which could alienate HIM, or make future family visits EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
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Look, you may think that 18 makes you an adult. In all honesty it doesn't. He's still a child at heart and to her. I know that you can't see this because you are that age too, but believe me, everyone grows up a lot between 18 and 21. At 18 your brains still aren't fully developed yet! You can't tell him to confront her, and he honestly shouldn't. If he wants some space from her then he should start backing away. He could tell her that he'd like to do his own laundry, and he could buy his own clothes.
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You know what? I understand how frustrating that is. However, you would do better to respect that she is his mother and that you would be very rude to do anything of the sort. Until he is your husband you need to leave that to them.
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Mothers want to make takes care of their sons. I wish someone would do my laundry now, and I'm 23. Interfering and being controlling, probably setting a curfew? That's good parenting. He lives in her house, it's her rules. I'd imagine he doesn't mind having his laundry done for him and his lunches made.
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i would confront her myself.you cant treat their child like that.he's 18 and about to go out on his own to college and everything. i know that she's not gonna taggle along with him when he leaves.i think you should talk some sense into her about it.
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You shouldn't. She is not your mom, he is not your child, it is not your business! If you are pissed because you want to control him, get a puppy!
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Look at it this way. Once you are married, whether to him or some other guy, you will be the one who will "make his lunches, do his laundry, tell him what to wear and do and otherwise interfere and be controlling." And when you son is 17, you will be the one who will "make his lunches, do his laundry, tell him what to wear and do and otherwise interfere and be controlling."
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I find your wording interesting - you say he is "nearly 18" rather than stating more accurately that he is 17 years old. Notice how different that sounds. He is a teenager living at home. As long as he lives under his mother's roof, he lives by his mother's rules. When he is man enough to move out and make his own way in life, then he can make his own rules, but none of that is up to you.
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I would confront her by telling her that her son isn't 5 anymore, he needs to do things for himself, because he needs to learn how if he's ever going to make it out in the real world.
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WOW-- He needs to start taking responsiblity. Or else, you'll be the one doing all of that once he lives with you :) I do it for my boyfriend though anyways-- But the FACT is that they need to know how much effort and time it takes to do that stuff so they appreciate it.
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Not your place to confront her..........until the day you become his wife. My wifes mother did everything for her including wanting to take over our checking account when we got married.........I Immediately put a stop to that among all the other little things.
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So instead of his mother doing these things for him and telling him what to do you wish to take over the roll and do it for him? Let him grow up in his own good time. He is 17 and if he is happy with it then leave him be. If you have a problem with it then perhaps you should look for another boyfriend. He will stand up to her when he is ready to be an adult.
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he dosent need to confront her she needs to confront him tell him to chang things a bit every day she might begin to ask ? then he will be able to confront her by being honest and feel good about it
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It's generally a very bad idea to come between a guy and his mother. Very bad. How is it adversely affecting you anyway? Why should you care?
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At 18 he can leave in most countries (I don't know where you live).
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you dont want to go about doing it. that is not the answer.
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Im in somewhat of the same situation me and my boyfriend are 18 and he has to lie about our relationship now because I did confront his mother and she called me manipulative and said all these harsh cruel things to me and it just starts a fight between me and my boyfriend every time I try to say something so word of advice listen to Ms. Mary lady he will grow up eventually and if not you don't need him he'll be some lazy bum staying with his mum all his life then acquiring her assets when she dies. don't forget girls seem to become more independent faster than guys and if he doesn't drop him and find someone who is on the same page as yourself. I stayed with my BF and I am miserable because he thinks i don't have a say in things anymore because I confronted his mom and such but I'm such a loser that I wont leave him because nobody else will have me. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you are more confident then myself :).
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You should not confront his mother. "Nearly 18" isn't quite grown up yet. Moms make lunches and do the laundry and tell their children what to do; it's just how it is. If he's living with her, it is what is expected. Moms don't suddenly stop being mom-like when their kids turn 18; it feels like a magical switch has been thrown to the kids, but parents don't feel any differently about them (except for fear maybe). Stay out of it, is my advice. Their relationship will evolve when he moves out and gets his own place, and learns to create and enforce his own boundaries. If you get all up in her face you'll just complicate things, and that's not really the sort of behaviour that is helpful.
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Run...run away...run away now.. Confront the mother and you make an ass of yourself. You might also win his heart...because you will essentially become a younger doable version of mom. This guy's life must be pretty crappy with two controlling women in his life. HA HA HA Of course maybe he likes that. Sounds like the three of you are a match made in hell.
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That's their relationship and you have no say in it at all. If you do try, you'll just damage the relationships all around. It's up to your boyfriend to handle his mom. If he doesn't learn now, he might never learn.
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You can't do it for him. He has to want to do it for himself. All you can do is tactfully give him your opinion and hope that he acts on it. However, don't expect him to change. Men (well, most people, actually) love nothing more than to have someone feed him and clean up for them, so I doubt he's going to turn her down anytime soon. Be aware that he is a mama's boy and that probably won't change.
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i love it that my mom still cooks for me... in fact, when she doesn't, i feel bad! sure, she tries to tell me what to wear and what to do but i know how to stand up for myself... maybe he likes being told what to wear and/or what to do... otherwise he wouldn't take it.
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Do NOT presume that you are welcome to tread into that territory. However, I just noticed this is an old question, and I'm sure by now that boyfriend and mother are long out of your life.
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