ANSWERS: 47
  • No I don't. If it helps you, then do it. If you were abused and you're an adult, say what's on your mind. If she doesn't like it then she should have thought of that before she either abused or allowed you to be abused.
  • unless you mother was the one who abused you she has nothing to worry about. she probebly feels guilty and thats why she doesn't want you to talk about it. honour thy mother and father doesn't mean if your parents are abusing you, you shouldn't say anything - i think it applies more to following in thier carears and dont be cheeky and disrespectful to them - in my view anyway.
  • No. Your mother is taking an overly literal translation of that rule. Your father did not uphold his fatherly role by abusing you. He broke the deal first. My brother says a similar thing of me. He says that because I cut my father out of my life for his trangressions, I am failing to "respect my elders". I think he is grossly misinterpreting that phrase and I just feel sorry for him that he can not do what I did. In your case, I would, however, limit what you discuss and with whom. Maybe you just don't have that conversation with your mother (or around her). It sounds like she may be feeling some guilt. She also may not understand the full dynamics of abuse. Join a support group, talk to a pastor or preist and seek counseling. My guess is your mother has her own burden and is just not equipped or capable at this point in time to help you. She may come around when she sees you succeed in overcoming the abuse.
  • she says it cause she's scared of the truth. i think you should do what you need to do . how can someone expect honor after having a abused a young child anyway?
  • Apparently your parents didn't follow the Bible during your childhood, so I'm not so sure why she's in a huff about you speaking about it. You have to do what YOU have to do. She lost her 'honor' when she allowed you to be abused. Thats the way it is. If you need closure and peace about this, and talking about it is what makes you feel better, then talk all you want and if your mom doesn't like it, tell her to close her ears : )
  • It is the same for me too. I've kept it too myself because now I'm old enough and big enough to make it impossible for them to try and hit me. Also, I don't know about you but it is normal to beat children when they misbehaved in my old country. Whether it is customary in your culture I don't know but we can all agree it's wrong. If it truly helps you heal then speak to someone privately about it so it won't affect your parents image. One thing I've always made sure of is that things in my family stay in my family. If there are people you would rather confide in outside your family then so be it just as long as it is kept private. Oh and for the initial question :) News like that would definitely make me see your mother in a more negative image. Perhaps she is actually ashamed of what she's done? I'd certainly hope so.
  • No, I don't. It sounds to me like an attempt to get you to maintain your silence on your parents' behalf so that they can maintain a false appearance to others (aka: lie).
  • Seems to me that honor and respect is a two way street. Demanding it without giving it is not only a one-way street; the demander is driving the wrong way, and with a steamroller at that.
  • You mean you are speaking to her about it? It seems to me if you have reported all the events and this is her attitude then time to talk to her about it is over. It doesn't sound like any amount of rehashing is going to culminate in an apology for her part in your past. That being the case it's time to drop the subject with her and if you can't do that without feeling injustice and anger then perhaps it is time to drop your relationship with her. No sense flogging a dead horse. If you mean your talking about the issue to others, outside of your family is healing and that she has a problem with that. I would continue to speak out, I would not share this part of my life with my mother. Honoring thy mother and father, in a situation of abuse, sometimes means not expecting to get blood from a stone or an apology from the culprit. It means deciding if you can co-exist with them in the face of the absence of apology and/or remorse. Then taking a definitive step to put an end to punishing them and yourselves endlessly.
  • I believe in the truth. Maybe your mother should have thought of that when she was being abusive?
  • I believe the TRUTH will set you FREE.............M.C.S.
  • You have to do what you have to do to heal. As your mother she should be encouraging you toward that goal. Not trying to hide her embarassment. Maybe she wants to forget but that's not good. You can't learn from mistakes you forgot you made. You do what you have to. She can't and shouldn't determine your choice on this.
  • If it helps you to heal then screw her! You should never have been abused in the first place and if she was going to be embarassed about it then she shouldn't have done it! Take care!
  • You speak out loud and clear and it helps the soul heal. This site has helped me in so many ways. So many have the same story and needs to be told . I kept my mouth shut because of my mother and now that she is gone and 50 years later I am free of secrets. Don't let anyone stiffel your words.....I wish I had done it sooner.
  • Talking helped me heal also! Are we sisters? Yours and my mom should have thought about "her looking bad" when they committed the abuse! FYI--Time DOES make it heal also.
  • she should have thoufht about that before she abused you....id say talk about it until YOU feel better
  • I cannot disagree with her any more than I do. My concern would be your healing, whatever that takes.
  • The Bible also has uncompromising words about speaking the truth and how it is supposed to set us free. She cannot just selectively use one commandment to continue to disrespect you and your attempts to heal yourself. If she is going to use Scripture, so can you.
  • "It" makes her look bad? If you had an abusive childhood, a childhood that she was a part of, then she lost all right to any protection.
  • It fascinates me that "Honor thy father and thy mother" is a commandment given in the Torah, which is written primarily to the NEXT generation of Israelites, the ones who had to grow up and languish in the wilderness for 40 years because their parents had so totally #*$%ed up that God made the whole nation live in the desert until every last one of the first generation had died. And the books in which this commandment is given and repeated (Exodus, Numbers, Deuteronomy and Joshua) are the books that spare no ink in cataloguing, condemning, and describing in glorious technicolor every wicked, wretched and faithless thing their parents had done and why they shouldn't be like them! And they are constantly told teach their children and their children's children just how wicked and faithless their parents had been. So, whatever "Honor thy father and thy mother" means, it would evidently NOT mean keep their sins buried from public view, and only tell things that show them in a good light. Looking at the Bible, it would seem to mean primarily: 1) don't treat your parents with malice, contempt or indifference, 2) take care of them in their old age, and 3) live in such a way as to be a credit to the family.
  • You Speak out and don't you dare worry about what makes your mom look bad -- They violated you -- Speak Out and help others -- Great Question -- + 5
  • NO, you do whatever helps YOU. Secrets are never good. I choose to try & forget mine, but whatever gets you through
  • Yes it makes her look terrible and since she decided to treat you in such manner, you should take advantage of that. My Mum was abused and beaten, neglected, forced to watch four other sisters and a brother at the age of nine whiler her mom was away getting busy.
  • No way. DO NOT listen to your mother. I was sexually abused a few times when I was really young by my mothers friends. My mom doesn't like it when I talk about it but I don't care. Parents are protectors and if they fail to do so then they should be called out and shouold be made to look bad. If they don't want to look bad...well, they should have thought about that. You are doing the right thing..talk therapy is key to overcoming the abuse. You do what you have to do to help yourself!!!!
  • ...you might consider that you're investing considerable energy in a victim's identity....how does this make you feel? if your answer is not joyful, you're wasting your time...yet it is yours to waste... if you think that you're going to save the world, good luck with that too.... you might consider letting the past go, that way you can at least honor yourself....worry about honoring your parents later....actually that will come with honoring yourself....
  • If you live in the abuse, you will always feel as though you have someone to save because THIS happened to you. Are you a victim because this happened to you, or are you victim because you cannot honor your "Mother or Father?" Or are you a victim with a need to be a victim so you have a podium to make you feel you have a cause to fight? Where does this end? Where do you find peace?
  • Absolutely not. If she is worried about looking bad then it may just be that she has skeletons in her closet that SHE needs to deal with. Tell her that it is also written that a parent wont die for the sins of a child and a child wont die for the sins of the parent. So if what you say is not the truth it wont discredit her in anyway but if it is, then she owes you restitution by way of confession of fault and repentance. It is written that we should confess our faults and sins to one another not that abuse is your fault, but it causes us to become bitter, angry, and resentful which are sins. So it is good for you to do what your are doing. :)
  • She should have thought about her reputation BEFORE she abused you. Keep on talking, if it helps you heal... ~+~
  • Your mother's reputation should be of no concern to you. She made herself look bad by abusing or allowing her child to be abused! Keep on talking sweetie!!!!!
  • That commandment has been used as an excuse to treat kids like property for too long. I only honour people when they deserve it, and I certainly don't honour people who abuse kids in any way. It's too damn bad if your mother doesn't like it; your motive is honourable if you are trying to prevent children from being harmed. If your mother is embarrassed, it would suggest that she feels some guilt. Nobody gets to Heaven by faking reality, or hiding the truth. And you don't get to Heaven by hiding behind the commandments. The only people who are embarrassed by the truth are the ones that deserve to be embarrassed.
  • "The bible says honour your father but it doesn't say anything about liking him"-The Pope from Family Guy
  • No, tell her to PISS OFF!
  • you need to put it in the past and leave it there ,as long as you keep reminding yourself of it then the healing process will never take place.concentrate on the now not the past.if they were the ones that abused you when you were a child then they need to step up to the plate and make things right.they can't change what they have done to you but they can let you know how sorry they are and how much they love you.theres no excuse for what they have done but can you forgive them and move on with your life?
  • The same thing happen to me. Teahers & princpals insisted I get treatment young but my religous mom said no, I was just neverous. I later beat a teacher to hsopitalization, kick one downstairs & at got datate raped due to being held a prison and told I could not speak to people or boys or anyone about problems, I listen to my mom until I was 37 and finally when to therapy I shut this misery in for all those years I had a bad blood pressure problem, had bleeding ulcers in my 20's. I kept it to myself most of life and paid severly....I would never tell a child or young adult to leave it within or just forget it..Things like being severly abused by a parent never leave memory ..sometimes it fades for a while but never completely leaves.
  • Of course not. I cant think of another example of it, but if your mum abused you, I'm sure she was violating plenty of rules, so you shouldnt worry. She's made herself look bad, and that is her responsibility.
  • Not at all. If she contributed to your abusive childhood in any way, she violated something much deeper and more important. Screw her and her vanity, she deserves to have people know what kind of person she is. She's twisting the meaning of those words, using them as an excuse to justify what she's done.
  • You aren't making her look bad, she did it herself. It's good to talk about it, she needs to know that abuse is horrible, keep talking, you deserve to heal.
  • Your Mom is the bullshit that got you scarred in the first place,or she assisted in it,and you listen to ANYTHING that she sais? Don't worry about it,keep doing what you are doing,and tell her to keep her warped thoughts to herself(Or at least you can ignore them)I hope that you begin to heal.*+++++*
  • It really depends. You don't give enough information here to make a good judgement...but one thing I do know is that there really is a promise attached to honoring your parents, even if--and maybe especially if-- they don't deserve it. Obviously you should NOT enter again into any situation where your parents can abuse you. But do you talk about what happened to you with some discrimination, i.e. to close friends, pastors, therapists? Or do you talk about it with any and everyone who crosses your path? If the latter, this really may not be helping you heal...without more information, it's so hard to say! But one of the reasons we honor our parents is because their fates are so deeply intertwined with our own. There's a danger that the abuse could come to define your entire life so that your whole identity gets wrapped up in it and you become branded for a long time as an "abuse survivor". This may feel like healing but it's really only halfway to healing--it IS a start, which is great! But eventually you don't want to be stuck there. You want to move to the place where you really are able to forgive your parents. When you can, the abuse will be behind you. If you can honor your Mom's request (even if unreasonable) in the hope that one day you'll get that full healing, that might be a great thing. Again, so hard to say without more info! But I'd say you need God's comfort as well as the comfort of telling your story--note I said AS WELL. I know I'll get a lot of hate mail for giving you this advice but your question touched me. The fact that you're asking at all says to me that you do care about what God thinks, and that's impressive, I think.
  • I think your mother is forgetting the verses about not exasperating your children. The Bible cuts both ways. Parents have a responsibility to train, discipline and educate their children without abusing or frustrating them. She first violated being a parent worthy of honor. That does not mean that you can't still obey that commandment and heal at the same time. I've dealt with the same problem, as my father wasn't worthy of honor either. I have not spoken to any of his friends about it. I stay carefully anonymous on here and one of the reasons is because I don't want someone to recognize me and pass it on to him. I talk specifically to people who will help me heal or help keep me protected but I don't try to lash out at him. I pray that some day he will change, but from what I'm hearing, I suspect he is coming to the end of his life and running out of time. I can't honor him the way I'd like and the way his position deserves because he is not a man who gives his position, as father, any honor either. But I did honor my mother and I do honor other elders. I honor my elderly neighbors and the elders of my church. I honor other elder family members. And I have kept the lines open with him. I told him that any time he is willing to admit what he did and apologize, I'll honor him as a father. Until he does, I can't feel that my child and my husband would be safe around him, as I know the sort of violence he is capable of and the training I've received made clear that an unrepentant abuser is still dangerous. He still won't admit he did anything, so he is still dangerous. I keep in mind the testimony of one of our church officials from Africa, who was abandoned on the streets by his parents when they divorced. He nearly starved to death until the church took him in and raised and educated him. When he was grown and married and had children of his own, his parents came back to him individually, old, abandoned and poor. His mother came first, having lost all the children of her second marriage to death. She threw herself at his feet begging forgiveness and he couldn't give it. She kept coming back and eventually God moved his heart to forgive and he took her in. Later his father did the same thing. He said both his parents accepted Christ in his home and changed dramatically. He said in their old age, they fell for each other in his home and remarried and have become loving, Christian people and the delight of his home and his children. If God can change hearts like that, He can change anything.
  • No i don't, and in fact, i consider child abuse to be a violation of the worst kind and i believe you have every right to do whatever you can to help yourself heal from the effects of poor parenting. Actions have consequences and it's time your parents realized and accepted that fact.
  • I don't think anyone who is abusive (especially to their own children) deserve to be honored.
  • No I certainly do not. The abuse of a child does not deserve any honour or respect. If your Mother allowed you to be abused then she deserves nothing from you certainly not love or respect.
  • Honor thy father and thy mother basically means that you will have a special place for them in your heart, and care for them when they get old. It absolutely does not mean that you would cover up for a parents who commits a crime, even if that crime is against you. Dodn't juse go around telling everyone you meed about the child abuse, that would be wrong. In fact that's one of the first signs of PTSD - when you repeatedly talk about the past traumatic event. Most child abuse victims are usually singled out from their other siblings. It makes you feel really unloved, especially when other family members make light of what you have gone through. I also went through horrific child abuse as a child, and young girl. Some of the things that you might have to look out for are: allegations of past mental illness, this is used to discredit you and cover up for the abuser. allegations of disrespectful and out of control behavior, this is mostly used to describe as to why they had to a "a little tough on you. Your mother is misquoting the bible. She made herself look bad, you did absolutely nothing. She totally disregarded and abused the gift (you) that God entrusted to her care. You need to make a clean break from your family for your sanity. Since you're able to speak about it, then it's a good thing. If you continue to have contact with your family on a regular basis, then you might develop PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD basically shows up as horrific nightmares, and even daymares of abusive events from your past, insomnia, anxiety, and sometimes depression, and even hypervigilance. Also be on the look out for "retroactive allegations", such as: 5 years ago she did this, 10 years ago she did that. If you see false allegations coming up that are specifically meant to discredit your credibility, then by all means go to family court and petition for an order of protection, based on your past abuse it will be granted and call 1-800-621-hope, which is the safe horizons number, which is a domestic violence agency that could help you with a safe house and relocating. Good luck.
  • Have had similar experiences with things like that. I'd honor someone who knocked themselves out for me, or basically did the day to day things that we take for granted and then let their work shine. But she didn't and "Daddy" sure as heck deserves nothing.
  • She's full of shit. Why are you even speaking to her anyway?
  • They lost the right to use that scripture against you, when they abused you. They made their selves look bad. Speak out loud and proud!

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