ANSWERS: 17
  • Good luck.
  • Sounds like you've got that covered.
  • I've got to give you credit for your courage. Just like a lot of things in life, there's never a perfectly black and white answer. Perhaps time apart will bring you back together.
  • ...love... hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Love itself is spiritual. The feeling of being "in love" is an emotional response, a physiolgical reaction: arguably similar to the "rush" attained from a drug. When people use the same drug over and over, they develop tolerance: more and more of the substance is required to get desired effect, and it eventually may become unattainable. To further the analogy: drugs also show signs of dependency or addiction upon sudden cessation, so by weaning yourselves away, you may never realize how strong the ties are between you. However, the flipside is, that the desire to "use" may never go away, and the longer a substance is avioded, the more likely, upon relapse, that the "rush" will attain levels close to that of a first time user. This is not a handbook on using people, it is just an attempt to make some sense out of the whole "love/being in love" thing. If you and your spouse were to wean away from each other and explore new relationships, you may feel a positive emotional response from this new stimuli. However, if you were to go cold turkey from each other for a period of time, focusing on personal growth as opposed to exploring new partners; perhaps, at the end of this "withdrawl" you could enjoy the feeling of being in love again with either new partners, or again with each others. And you are on the right path by defining your issues between the two of you, and not complicating things with new lovers. New lovers will complicate and cloud things for you, while introspection will simplify.
  • You don't mention whether this decision will be imposed upon children or not. Either way, absent any abuse (abuse is a legitimate deal-breaker) I say don't do it. The sheer lack of drama in style or structure of your question combined with your admission that you still love each other tells me that you two are no more candidates for divorce than Brittany Spears is a candidate for marriage. The fact that you took the trouble to bounce your decision off of strangers is further evidence that you're no where near comfortable with the idea of ending your marriage. If you believed that divorce was a reasonable option, you wouldn't be asking for reassurance. Marriage is a commitment to a partnership, an agreement that you will mutually honor, respect and care for each other - "for richer or poorer..." and all that crap. If you meant "I do" when you looked at your husband 12 years ago then ducking out because "you don't bring out the best in each other anymore" is prostituting your personal integrity. You may as well tell everyone that knows you that you have the depth of a rain puddle, that your word means nothing to you and therefore shouldn't mean anything to them either. Marriage is work - as is everything that matters: getting an education, raising children, owning property, throwing a party, having a friend... Marriage is stimulating and interesting in the beginning - as is a new job, a new baby, a new home, new clothes; that's the hook. It gets you engaged. The natural progression calls for that "thing" to settle and become part of the fabric of your life. Your "new baby" isn't new for long as he/she becomes a member of the family and grows. The "new job" that you were so pumped about is soon just what you do for a living. The "new home" quickly becomes the house, address and rooms where you live. "New" morphs into additional responsibility. Idealy, you give your best to the nurture and sustainance of these things. The natural bonuses are that these things in turn form the fortifed structure of your life. It is a universal truth that everything is either in a state of growth or a state of deterioration. If you take care of the needs of your job, home, child... they flourish. Neglect them and they fall-apart. It's in your hands. Your marriage is governed by the same principles. Take care of it and work at supporting it toward it's best state and then enjoy the benefits. It inherently holds your greatest probability for true happiness. Heck, you have twelve years so far! A common twelve-year history that gave way to events that were key in forming who each of you are today. He knows you and you know him better than anyone else does. That's sacred stuff - that's a major investment. You don't walk away from that without damn good reason. Especially given the fact that you aren't guaranteed a better deal. Actually, the statistics say that your quality of life will decline. My suggestion is to take the energy, focus and money that you two would spend to get that divorce and to set up two separate households, and invest it in renewing your commitment to your partnership. Do something to celebrate yourselves. Have fun. You hear people all the time explain their divorce by saying things like "...We are just two strangers living in the same house", "We have nothing in common anymore", "I couldn't take it anymore...". As if it were too huge of a problem for them to overcome! - Uh, how about getting to know your spouse again? Pretend you haven't seen each other in years (cause in a very real sense, you haven't) and catch-up! Ask questions, be nice, be kind, laugh, remember that you once loved this person soooo much that you married him. With a little effort, that dynamic where you "brought out the best in each other" will naturally be reactivated. A good marriage can be had by any two people that make the joint decision to have it. It's not a matter of luck nor is it something that will magically happen if you find "your soul-mate". The reality is that there is precious little naturally occurring romance in an established marriage; mostly its work. The rewards are priceless. I can't begin to address the subject's consequences when children are involved. And don't get me started on the corruption that IS our nation's family courts. Double ditto on the unconscionable greed of divorce attorneys. Remember that you can't unring a bell. Good luck to you.
  • After 7 years my ex and I decided the same thing. It's the best thing we ever did (besides our daughter). We were best friends before we got married, we realized that we should have just stayed that way.We loved each other but we were never in love, we just thought we were. We were able to do our papers ourselves, we just sat down and worked it all out ourselves (which saved us a ton, we paid $65 to get divorced and that was just to file the papers). We get along so much better now and both of us are happier. We hang out all the time (us & our sig. others). Some people don't see how we can do that, but like I said we are better off as friends. You gotta do what's right for you. As hard as it may seem in the beginning, if you are truly not happy then you have to do what you need to do to make yourself happy.
  • I think only you can answer if you're doing the right thing and the right thing is what you feel will make you happy and content. My wife and I have weathered 29 years together and had many ups and downs and have come very close to doing the same you are doing. However, every relationship is different. My parents divorced when I was 11 and both went on to live the life they wanted. My father, who is gone now, remarried and had another family but was happy. My mother is still living but never remarried but says she has been happy with her life, enduring friends and time she spends with me, my sister and her grandkids. So you see "to each their own" in finding what is the right thing to do for them. I wish you the best in finding what makes YOU happy.
  • If you think you are going to find "bette" out there, you won't. There are ways to work on making it a wonderful relationship. Deeper and better than any new one.
  • I think it's a great idea. You can be friends still and you know it isn't probably going to change. I would separate for sure
  • Marriage is the toughest yet most rewarding job on earth. My wife left me after seven years of marriage because she reconnected with an old high school flame over the internet. I begged her to stay and consider counseling and anything that would save our marriage but she refused. Unless you are in a situation where there is abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism or something of that kind I would suggest you both refocus your energies on each other. Counseling, anything that will help you reconnect as a couple. From the way you stated your question it sounds as though you're a logical intelligent person. I would suggest you exhaust all avenues before you even consider divorce.
  • Being in love is a decision that you have to make daily. My husband and I are in counseling after he had an affair. I never would have thought that I could forgive that much less fall more in love with him than I was before the affair. It sounds ironic, I know, but when you've lost it all, you've got everything to gain. Exhaust every resource, know that if you divorce you did everything you could to save it. Then you will have peace if you do finally sign the papers. Good luck!
  • I could never understand that you are not in love but love each other either you are in love or your not.
  • Disclaimer: I'm a divorce lawyer. First question I ask a potential client is this: Do you see anything in your relationship with your spouse that is worth fighting for? If not, and you can go about settling your marriage in a caring, respectful way, more power to you. Though 12 years is an odd time for this sort of breakdown. Usually, loving but non-passionate marriages tend to end around 20 years. Having said that, I've settled divorces for people who care deeply for each other but have concluded that they're better friends than spouses. Best advice I can offer is to talk with him seriously, maybe with a counselor/pastor/rabbi/imam, and look at whether there is anything you can do to save your marriage, and if so, whether you are both willing to do what it takes. If not, talk seriously about how you want to wind up affairs and divide up your stuff (and take the best possible care of your kids if you have any), then find a good mediator who can help you through the process. Something a lot of people don't realize is that a marriage involves three people, one of which is the relationship itself. The marriage can take on a life of its own, and it can get sick and die despite your best efforts, and it's perfectly normal to grieve its loss. As an alternative, you could hire lawyers and fight until neither of you has anything of value (let alone dignity) left, but in your case I wouldn't advise it.
  • you should understand this is normal..... every body goes through this stage at one point or another .... take it as an opportunity to change your routines ..... instead et involve in something different together ... take a vacation somewhere far by yourselves .... dont be afraid to show that you want things to work and try to make a list of the little things he used to do (the reasons you felt in love with him) and a list of the thing you know he loves about you...... better yet challenging idea is to ask him as part of a playful thing .... to write what things does he remember made him fall in love with you..... (everything goes ... physical sexual, spiritual, small caring things ...etc.) love is about giving and taking but sometimes you have to give for a while until you begin to take and sometimes thats okay . hint : let him know you can stand on you own ... you could buy you dont want to. man love an independent woman .... also they like to have something when somebody else wants it; a little lie about maybe somebody being interested in you ... wont be that bad... maybe good just try it ... in the middle of a calm conversation " so and so (not real) has been trying to ..... but i not only love you ... i know that if we want to we can have a great thing" ..... hope it helps ...
  • Hello. I'm sorry you're having problems. As part of a world-wide organization of Christians, we all have found the Bible's principles to be helpful with any situation. There's much counsel in the scriptures on marriage and many of our publications offer practical advice to couples. God hates a divorcing (Malachi 2:16) so if you're genuinely interested in what the Almighty has to say about what he instituted, please download the article below. jw.org/March 15, 2008 Watchtower/Find Joy in Your Marriage Wishing you the best
  • I don't quite understand your distinctions but if they are important to you then go with them. I would think of it in terms of how great a time you are having with one another. If you are enjoying one another then stay together. If you would enjoy life more apart then break up. I think that is a simple way to view it.
  • Are you doing the right thing? Well, assuming there are no addiction or spousal abuse issues, since most couples when they marry bind their transcendental selves with a life-long commitment---"for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part"---I'm going to suggest that you are probably are NOT doing the right thing. The commitment we make in marriage is the secret to growth in our personal and joint lives. Love is an act, not simply a feeling. Feelings can involve neurotransmitter storms. Love involves the will and "care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge." The Art of Loving (by Erich Fromm)

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