Sometimes I feel like I am a terrible person and I tell my boyfriend that he deserves better, he says that he loves me so much and hates when I say that...so why do I continue to act that way?
by 
KM022109
ANSWERS: 2
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His validation provides you with a little self-validation buzz. It's fast, temporary relief from your self-esteem irritation. But why do you say you're a terrible person? That's not so easy to say, but it probably lets you off the hook for being responsible. Responsibility is tough: it's something we'd all like to avoid. Saying "I'm a terrible person" provides an excuse for not being responsible... responsible for your own life, responsible for your choices, responsible for the harm you may cause others, etc. I think what cures this is the realization that nobody else is going to come pick you up and carry you through life. Even if you have someone you love and will care for you, it's YOUR life to live, and nobody can do it for you -- nobody can make the choices or suffer the consequences for you, nobody can relieve you of the responsibility for your own happiness and success. When you really get that mommy and daddy are not going to come save you, it has a corrective effect on that attitude, I think.
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Hasn't Been has it right, I think, above. The only thing I would add is that when the boyfriend gives you the compliment, it's like asprin for a brain tumor. It's making the symptoms temporarily better, but somebody is ultimately going to have to go in and do some heavy lifting. A healthy relationship with one other person who isn't in this cycle might help you figure out why you really feel this way. Obviously a good professional is probably your best bet, whether a Ph.D or a pastoral counselor. But maybe talking with a HEALTHY parent or sibling could do it too. Maybe even a life long friend. Good luck to you.
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