Talk to her about it tell her how you feel about the situation

First of all let me say that I believe that all successful relationships have a few basic philosophies that must be embraced: Each partner has their own needs Each partner has their own feelings Each partner has their own reality All of these must be accepted and honored as relevant and important by both equally. Add to this that your fiancee has a daughter who is lucky enough to have an involved father and these philosophies must also be extended to them as well. This situation is tough because frankly you are not just asking one person to change you are really asking three people to change something that has worked for all of them quite well up to this point. All four of you will be entering into a new dynamic, not just you and your fiancee. As it seems that you want to mary this woman it also says that you accept her reality of having a disabled daughter as well as her ex-husband in so far as his role as an involved father. To some measure it isn't quite fair for you to ask her to alter this existing arrangement and set the "boundaries" alone (this is just how I interpret what you have written). It seems then that logically all four of you need to sit down together to discuss this new family dynamic and find a solution that is acceptable to all of you. Understanding that this is probably going to be just the first of possibly many such discussions that will need to be had in order to make this new family dynamic work... as other situations are going to arise that will also need to be discussed between the four of you, it's just the way these things work. May I suggest that you do some deeper thinking about how and why you feel about this the way you do. Then let your fiancee know gently that this is important to you and that you would like to talk with her about it again. During the discussion gently express to her your feelings, thought and concerns while reciprocating the same to her. Let this discussion wend its way in to approaching the situation not so much from a position of "I need this to change or you need to change this" but rather approaching it from a position of " we all need to sit down together and figure this situation out so that we are all good with it and on the same page". If all four of you deal with this together then a few things can begin to develop. You and she will be defining the boundaries together as a couple. Her ex-husband will see this as well, but will also respect that you have given him the courtesy of having a voice in the matter as well as an active role in finding a workable solution. The daughter can see that while you and her mother are now a real couple she can be at ease and have the piece of mind that she doesn't have to constantly be choosing between her relationship with her father or you, that she can have both. And she will know that when a situation arises that all of you will work together to solve it. This can be of great comfort to a child/young adult and it helps to negate the playing of one off of the other which can occur in extended family situations like this. The analogy about the home being a mans castle while on one level is fine on another level it isn't quite fine as... well its going to be, or should be seen as your fiancee's castle too. You have to realize on all levels that you are not just marring a single woman, you are marring a woman who has responsibilities, commitments, and attachments and that these have to be considered as an important part of her reality and the equation of the both of you as a couple.

This is not a typical situation. A handicapped child, though they may be loved to no end, is nevertheless an extreme burden on parents in nearly every way imaginable. I find it quite telling that your question is worded in such a way that it shows your thought process is catered solely to your own needs to the absolute exclusion of everyone else involved. That's really too bad. You're supposedly marrying a good woman, which, besides the assumption one could make that you wouldn't be marrying her otherwise, is evidenced by the fact that she has managed to remain dedicated to her child by overlooking the differences she had with her first husband. Most people are too petty to ever pull that off. I'd say you have a real jewel in this woman. On your part lies the failure, not hers. You have something very, very special, but you're so busy grumbling and pouting that you are pissing it away with both hands. So be it. The only shortcoming I can find with her seems to be her taste in men.