One day a grasshopper goes into a bar, hops onto a stool and orders a beer. As the bartender sets the mug in front of the bug, he says, "You know, we have a drink named after you." "Really?" asks the grasshopper. "You have a drink named Charlie?"

Q: What's the difference between a shower curtain and a piece of toilet paper? Response: I don't know? A: So you're the one.

Why didn't the skeleton go trick-or-treating? A. because he didn't have any"body" to go with.

So this guy is at his 30th class reunion and he goes to the punch bowl. Suddenly he sees a woman he thinks he knows so he walks up to her and says, "you know, you look like Helen Brown!" Angry, the woman replies, "Well you don't look so good in blue yourself!"

Unfortunately, one day, this woman had TWINS(important to the punch line) that she could not keep. one was sent to Iraq and named Amahl. The other was sent to Mexico and named Juan. Many years later, the woman received a letter in the mail from her son Juan about how well he was doing, complete with a picture. The woman loved this letter and made a huge fuss over it. A week later, she gets the same type of letter from her other son, but she merely smiled and tossed it aside. When asked why she did not fuss about this one, she merely said..."If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."

I was just thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

At the top of the Empire State Building, a man's viewing out the window at the city. All of a sudden a drunk man bumps in to him and says "hey, you know if you jump out this here window, when you get to the 12th floor the wind currents will push you through the window and you'll land safely back in the building" the sober man says "no way i dont believe" the drunkard: "yea? i bet you 20 bucks i can do it" the man agrees to the bet and the drunk man jumps out the window. The man watches as the drunkard falls past the 40th, 30, 20, then 12 floor. At the 12th floor he's rushed through the window, and then comes back to the top to collect his money. The man says "no way! i can't believe that works, let me try" the man jumps out the window. 30th floor, 20th, 10, splat the bartender walks over to the drunk man and says "you know what? you're a real asshole when you're drunk Superman"

To determine the source of an internal ailment, a young blonde had to undergo a battery of diagnostic tests. All was going fine until he was give a form to sign which stated that one out of 10,000 people had a violent allergic reaction to one of the tests. Obviously very concerned, she asked the doctor, "What number are they on now?"

What does an elephant use as a vibrator? A. An epileptic man.

"An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

"Your mamma is so fat, when God said let there be light,she had to move!"

(*=new joke( "I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... * she called me to get my phone number. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. *she tried to drown a fish. *she thought a quarterback was a refund. *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *she tripped over a cordless phone. *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *she studied for a blood test. *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home."

"A smart blonde and a dumb blonde both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first? The dumb blonde because smart blondes don't exist."

"little boy : mamma, is god a girl or a boy? mamma: why god is both girl and boy. little boy: mamma, is god black or white? mamma: why god is both black and white. little boy: mamma, is god gay or strait? mamma: why god is both gay and strait. little boy: mamma, is god Michael Jackson?"

HALLOWEEN... a young boy in a pirate outfit knocks on the door and it's answered by a young woman who says,"oh what have we here?","aaarrr,i' m a pirate"is the reply."where's your ship?" "aaarrr,down at the dock"he says.where's your treasure?" "aaarrr in me bag" .ok,mr. pirate where's your buckaneers?" "aaarrr under me buckin hat"

my mother told me and several of my friends this one when i was 12... Q. What's big, grey and comes in quarts? A. An Elephant

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy: after a moment "Legs." Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Boy: "Pockets." Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubblegum Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Boy: Shake hands

knock knock whos there homer homer who homer goodness are you guys having sex?

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

A Mexican and a black guy in a car who's driving? ....... the police. lol

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.” 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” . 12)The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,. 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Y es ..' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No ' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman '. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy ', whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME '

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey we don't serve vegetables here!" The mushroom snaps back, "But I'm a FunGi!"

your mamma is so fat she looked at a huge house and said oh what a cute little birdhouse!

If god made the front of a woman, who made the back? Well it must've been the council, who else would put a shit hole right next to a play area?!! Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chickens foot! knock knock who's there? ust little me just little me who? just little me who can't reach the door bell.

FISH STORY The parish Priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a B*tch!" "Son, I'm a Priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is -- a Son of a B*tch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B*tch !" Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a B*tch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a B*tch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B*tch!" Elated, the Priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a B*tch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is -- a Son of a B*tch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B*tch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a B*tch." Sister Mary informed the Priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B*tch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a B*tch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B*tch for the new Bishop's dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B*tch fish." "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it and that Son of a B*tch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning it." On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish; where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a B*tch!" proclaimed the proud Priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a B*tch !" exclaimed the Sister. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a B*tch using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fu*kers are my kind of people."

Girls night out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2 country fellows went on vacation to NY after a couple of weeks only one of them returned so their familys asked him what happened to your freind ? he said that he was amazed by the huge skyscrapers there so he went on the top of one of them and jumped he kept on falling for 3 days! and did he die?? they asked him r u crazy! ofcourse he died 3 days no eating or drinking!

Theres two mufins in an oven one says to the other is ti getting hot im here of is it just me the outher muffin says HOLY CRAP I AM SITTING HERE TALKING TO A MUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

The polite way to pee! During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said,"Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite." "What about you Sherman, how would you say it." Sherman said, "I am sorry, but i really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "Thats better, but its still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table." "And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said, " I would say: Darling, may i be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted....

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?' "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?” “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work," replied the mother. The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, c'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud, they're hookers!" The mother became quite annoyed with the cabbie for being so blunt. A brief period of silence followed, and the daughter then asked, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?" "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?”

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.. She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?' Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.

A pickle, a cucumber, and a dick are talking about how bad they had it The cucumber said, “man they cut me up and put me in a sandwiches and salads and stuff!” The pickle said “I can beat that, they put me in with a bunch of dills and send me off to some random place I the world!” The dick said “I can beat both of you! First they put a piece of plastic on my head, then I get swallowed and pulled out over and over again until I pee all over my self.