first off, she cheated on you. second, she lied to you. third, she took 5 months to tell you she does not sound committed, she does not sound like someone you should even want to date "but it took her 5 months because she was racked with guilt" no, she's an awful person for doing that to ya, especially after 2 years you gave her. No second chance for her

She obviously has either some issues or feelings for her ex. if you want to keep her tell her its on the condition she has NO contact with the ex. Then try to work through WHY she cheated with him. Or you could just throw away 2 years.

seaofgrass. Its not that simple to be honest. She said she couldnt believe what she'd did, prayed to God to be forgiven and was terrified of loosing me. She says since then shes realised how much she loves me and shed never ever do it again, that she wants to make it up to me and sort herself out. I love her so much i dont know what to do; it is breaking me. I also know it would break me if we broke up, esp now if shes really learned her lesson, surely id be throwing everything away? Apart from this everything was perfect. Im so confused but i do feel i should give her another chance, even though the betrayal is eating at me. Im trying to think long-term. Maybe ill look back in 10 years and think that we are stronger for it. She wants to commit to me. She feels endebted to me for giving her another chance and will never forget how i stood by her at her lowest moment (and mine). I can honestly say, she would never do it again so i think i can trust her again; ofcourse itll take time to accept things. Now what do you think, honestly?

annon, thats just it. She HATES him now. She said she felt sorry for him (because she broke his heart and left him). So there is no issues of contact or anything. Obviously its screwed up, but at the end of the day it only happened ONCE and she realised it was a mistake. She said she cried in front of him the next morning and said she loved me and that it was a mistake. please guys give me your opinions, accounting for the full story? im not trying to induce you into thinking i should forgive her, i just want you to know the background as its much more complicated than it seems. I always said id never put up with cheating but its the hardest position ive ever been in, i need your help. Please note, we broke up for a month, we have been working on it the past 2 months. She loves me to death, infact i think she loves me more than i love her (not that i dont love her, i do) i think shes learned, from the fear of loosing me. advice?

Well, it seems you've all ready made up your mind. i guess you're looking for confirmation, but you've decided you want to try again. Go ahead then. I guess i'm less understanding because i've been cheated on several times. You seem in love, try it again, go for it. if she makes you happy and you trust her, then go all the way. And sorry if i offended you by my criticism of her.

im suppose im looking for some positivity. I hope theres a silver lining to be reached in the long run. I know shes right for me (foreby this whole disaster), she says she loves me more than shes ever loved anyone and wants to be with me forever. Obviously if she cheated again id be gone, as it would cumulate with the rest of the wrongdoings. she knows its her very last chance theres no issue of me being a soft touch. Thing is, it was so out of character for her to cheat on me, ill never understand why. All it could lead to was badness, she had no intention of leaving me. All i can think of is she decided she'd cheat, have a cheap-thrill with her ex, and id never find out. That alone, is very hard to deal with. I just dont know I guess im scared ill still be dealing with this in say 4 years or whenever/if we tie the knot. Im really struggling to believe she was capable of doing it to me; it hurts so much, but i do think its maybe worth it. More so as ive protected her from it, only my brothers know about it, pretty much noone else of importance knows! (think thats for the best?) On here all i see is 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Obviously this isnt what i want to hear but im afraid ill get let down again? Whats my best bet really?: (1) Stay with my gf whos cheated but has promised solemly never to do it again (2) start a new relationship with someone else which is a whole new risk lifes a bitch. more advice if poss?

Judging from your own responses, you've already decided to give her another chance. This is not necessarily a bad decision; she could very well be sincere in her regret and promises that it won't happen again. Stick with that decision; agonizing over things will just make you miserable. But if such an incident should happen again, don't give her a third chance. If she can't keep her promises now, she never will.

She made a horrible mistake. You both love eachother however. In getting back together (which is what I believe you should do) you need to let her know that she will have to do things to regain your trust which she has broken. Tell her that if she loves you she'll put up with whatever you feel you need to do to maintain a trusting relationship. She made a mistake once. There is going to be damage that was done. There is going to be trust that needs to be rebuilt but the bottom line is that you two are still in love and love allows for second chances (but not third xD).

thanks Looney. my only reservation is this. Before i met he she slept around abit (not drastically, but she had a few one night stands with practically strangers) I got myself checked for STI's just incase. So she already owed me big time. She was/is deeply ashamed of her past and i gave her a chance to move away from that type of living and be respectful. she took it. shes not a dirty girl, she really isnt that type (id say that even if i wasnt with her) so on that note, i thought since i had already had to swallow her past she would never put a foot wrong with me. Now this has happened i called her whole person into question. Basically, i worry that, although she means well, and means things at the time, and does love me, that she is a bit weak-minded and susepectable to pressure (shes sometimes too nice to people where she shouldnt be, its just her nature) I dont want to have to control her. She says all the right things but can she live up to them? Past form says no but yet so far ive gave her another chance. Is this wise or is she a liability? I know if she hurts me again ill go beserk but then, ill know shell never change and i suppose ill know its for the best. But now im stuck in the middle!! I need some serious advice guys

Dude, I had a friend whose situation mirrored yours to the T. The girl behaved in the exact same manner: cheated, wouldnt come clean and then she put on a big I'm sorry show which he bought into for another year before the relationship ended bitterly. To this day he wishes he had never wasted the time and energy with that girl. Truth be told, some girls are weak and will slip, but what is worse is when they expect the guy to exude similiar weakness and simply accept whatever shes done. youre doing it right now by trying to find ways to reconcile the incident when you should be using your head to think rationally about what is the smart thing to do. you said you already had to try and look past her antics prior to your relationship, but obviously it has shown through in this relationship. in your subsequent answer where you said she was all like "im so sorry, now i realize how much i love, im praying to god about this"... yeah all that is bs. i mean maybe she means well, but honestly after cheating on you she NOW realizes how much she needs you? cmon man you know thats just ridiculous, just like her talking about praying to God, wtf does God have to do with her having sex with some guy? these are all things being said to just try and put a bandaid on the situation, do you really think this to be a lifechanging experience for her? cheating? I say this only because those things you said she said are actually the most cliche, hackneyed and overdone "im sorry" things girls say when they cheat. in all honesty you just sound very clingy to this girl more out of the safety of routine than true love. You said you wouldn't tolerate cheating, well then show some self-respect and man-up dude. Im not trying to be a dick its just that I watched my friend go through the exact same scenario and when it was all said and done and he reflected on it, he was like "man i was a little bitch with no respect for myself to willingly let my stupid infuation with this no good girl allow her to just continue and play me as a fool. When he first came to me with this issue i just gently suggested he should just try and move on from it, but he had already made his mind much in the way it sounds like you have. right now it sounds like youre primed to just give in and accept things as they are and continue on with the status quo. im telling you man i am seriously trying to save you a lot of time and emotinoal energy, so please consider being strong and doing what is really best for you. ----------- Fedor007: Of course it is ultimately up to you and if you were to come in 10 years happily married to this girl, I would most definitely be be glad that things worked out for you. Think realistically though man. 10 years and marriage? man that is one very extreme hypothetical situation you got running through your head right now. Youre thinking about the outcome in 10 years? Dude its only year two and shes cheated on you and given you trust issues, what kind of indication does that give for another 8 years? man marriage would be the last thing on my mind if a girl cheated on me. even if you were to try and start anew with a clean slate, you know that this whole espisode would just be on your mind all the time now. and you know that in the real world most people dont really change. you could give her a another chance and try to tell yourself that somehow its a good idea, but i see you finding yourself back in same situation with her long before you ever reach marriage or the 10 year mark. And dude, believe me I want to see things work out for you, i know that shit is painful. But understand that if you are just going to ignore reason even after youve been given a lesson in love, and this thing happens to you again, then maybe you deserve it. If a man makes himself a worm he must not be surprised when he is trodden on--Kant

evolusean thanks very much for your comment, ive read it and ill remember it. Ill defo keep my mind open. Believe me, im no soft touch but i do see when a person is genuine or not (emotion attached or not). Sure, you can say what she's said to me is cliche, but these things will be said in any scenario (whether genuine or pretend); the words are necessary. on their own their just words, its the actions to back them up that count and i feel i want to give her that one last chance. ofcourse this is very difficult for me. but i guess risking more heartache is a fair risk for potential long-term happiness. Im terrified of making the wrong choice. Of leaving her, her who has learned her lesson, and seeing her with someone else who she now is loyal with (and thinking that it should have been me) i know this shouldnt be important but i feel the need to add this girl is gorgus and she has the personality to match. shes a grade A girl; so maybe shes worth another chance trust me, ive no intention of being a sucker for punishment, if she lets me down again im gone no matter what. surely u cant just my gf on the basis of your mates? some people change, others dont. its simple as that. Its up to me to decide if shes changed or not and i feel i do im trying to seperate myself from the emotions here. My brothers also think shes worth another chance. as regards the God thing - she said shed lost her self-respect and self-worth. she said she wanted to be a good person and learn from the biggest mistake of her life shes said herself she wants to prove to me i can trust her but also suggested she didnt want to hurt me anymore so if i wasnt able to handle it, i should move on. ofcouse thatd kill her but she wants me to be happy and i honestly cant see how she would want to go thru this again with me as its tainted a PERFECT relationship. my only issue is however, my perception of the relationship. I used to be proud of her and think i was the luckiest man alive. Now i feel like my friends dont really know what ive had to put up with/accept. I hate this feeling. Will it go away as the hurt heals?

I would love to help you - especially to change your heart and how you feel towards this lady... My uncle's wife did the SAME exact thing that your girl did to you to my uncle. She cheated on him again and again and apologized and got down on her knees begging for forgiveness over and over to the point that my uncle got stomach cancer from the stress, pain, betrayal, anxiety, etc. etc. Due to the fact that he was soo preoccupied with his messed up family situation, he found out at Stage 4 of his cancer. Yeah, try living with that. Don't put yourself through this - you're too young and too good for this nonsensical drama....Think about the entire market for young girls pretty and intelligent that you can tap into - and I don't think the population is getting any smaller. There's too many more fish out there that want to be in your net....just move on.

Your setting your self up for more heartache. I have been through this. The trust is broken. The relationship, will never be the same. And this will always loom over the relationship. Take a break from her. And take care of yourself,never forget that. You will survive.

I have to say that only you can answer that question. If you get back together with her and stay focused on this and only this, then that is not good. However, if you forget about this then that is not wise, as "the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior" (tm Dr. Phil). I agree that it's a bit disturbing that she hid it for so long and then turned around and is sorry, but OTOH I also agree tht it's not that easy to fess up to something either. However, I do think that it might be more encouraging if she had taken the initiative to tell you instead of you having to hear about it. It took 5 months? That's a long time. What happened in the meantime - did she just keep denying it? Could you really trust her again? I mean it certainly isn't impossible for a couple to get past this, but it'd take work. Are you willing to work it out, or do you think that is not what you want from a relationship?

Yes there is a silver lining. We all learn from our mistakes. She didn't tell you because she didnt want to loose you. I cheated on my husband of three years and didn't tell him right away. I was lucky that he forgave me. (although im sure he never forgets) We have been married now for 10 years and I have never made the same mistake. If she cheats again though now that is different all together. You just have to ask yourself if you can live with it. It will take time to heal but you can learn to trusr her again. Just ask her to tell you about her day everyday if she's willing to make it work she should agree to do whatever it takes to win back your trust,

To be perfectly honest I had the same situation happen to me. I know what you are feeling that if you believe what she says she will eventually do you right. She, has learned her lesson. But to be honest the only way she will learn the lesson is to totally lose you. In staying with her you are letting her know it is okay to do what she wants, even cheat. Letting her know whatever she does you will forgive. I have done this and I know that when something like this happens you have already lost her. This is not a trial run here. You were at a point in your relationship where both of you had agreed to some level of commitment. She has crossed that line and she will again until she learns. To illustrate when a child wants something bad enough, lets say a piece of candy, and you say no, (as the parent.) The child screams and you eventually give in and give it to them. Then what has the child learned? That when he wants something he gets it by screaming, obviously rewarded for his/her behavior. Same goes for the girl she cries enough you give in, she learns nothing, you gain nothing from her. She will only learn when she loses you and, sorry to say the next guy gains her wisdom.

If it were anyone other than her EX I can maybe see trying to work it out but with her ex... It isn't looking to good.