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by SparkE on November 20th, 2006

SparkE

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My boyfriend and his ex-wife divorced 1.5yrs ago. They didn't have kids. After a few months, they started talking and e-mailing again. She moved far away, and he has moved on with me. But he still wants to hear from her every few months. What should I do?

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Answers. 18 helpful answers below.

  • by Ullyses on November 20th, 2006

    Ullyses

    I'm not going to make excuses for him, but I will try to explain the way he is maybe thinking.

    Men are fundamentally different from women, in that we tend to assume that everyone will understand why we are doing something even if we don't understand it ourselves. Some people get on far better as friends than they ever do in a relationship. He knows, from experience, that a relationship with her doesn't work, but he can't see what problem there could be with a friendship. The real problem is that he might even ask her for advice in his relationship with you, and that is not a clever thing to do. As far as he is concerned he is with you and that proves that he loves you and you shouldn't be bothered.

    Of course you hold a very different point of view. It is more along the lines of he went through a divorce with her and there was probably mud-slinging and he shouldn't ever want to speak with her again, let alone pass e-mails. The one positive is that he is open and honest about it. It is very hurtful to you, though, to feel that he may be sharing part of his life with her and that you are pushed into "second place". You know, private jokes he had with her that "you just had to be there" or "can't explain. It's mixed up in our history".

    My suggestion is that you need to confront him with this. There is nothing inherently wrong with him e-mailing his ex, but there have to be definite ground-rules and some subjects have to be taboo. You must explain how his continuing this relationship with his ex-wife makes you feel. Don't let him fob you off by telling you it's nothing. Explain the hurt you are holding and how it's slowly poisoning your relationship.

    Actually, thinking about it that may be what his ex is trying to achieve. I don't know what sort of person she is, but there may be an element of "If I can't have him then no-one can" to her actions.

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  • by Anonymous on September 2nd, 2008

    Anonymous

    I am going through the EXACT same thing and was hoping to find some answers from your post. My situation is that my boyfriend was with his ex for 10 years and married for 2. They split up 2 years before I met him and we have been together for almost a year. he stills hears from her every few months, they dont have kids together or anything. but he used to be really close to her family and i know he misses them.
    i've told him how i feel about it (it makes me really upset and i question his feelings for me) and he reassures me that he loves me and he's with me now and she was his past.
    despite his reassurances, obviously im still really upset about it. and its not just going to "go away" and im not just going to "get over it" like some people suggest. its a really difficult thing to deal with and it takes alot of a person. its tiring and its constantly consuming my thoughts.

    i think im going to take a new approach. im going to ask him why its important that he have his ex in his life. and tell him to explain it to me, make me understand why its so important. why am i not enough for him? im guessing that i probably wont like his answer, so ive prepared a back up plan. if she is going to be a part of his life, then their relationship is NOT going to be exclusive of me. i want to know who this chick is, he is goign to have to introduce me to her. im hoping that when i meet her and when i see them together as just friends, my concerns will be diminished.

    i wonder about the ring thing as well, i dont know if he still has his wedding ring. and if he does, what does that mean? sure its material, but its more sentimental. or else he would pawn it and buy me something pretty, right!?

    i wish you the best of luck and please let me know if you have found the answer to this!

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  • by Gideon on September 2nd, 2008

    Gideon

    You give him his freedom. You either trust him or you don't, and that's got nothing to do with him.

    Look, he loved this woman enough to marry her and start a life. It didn't work out for whatever reasons. There's no reason why he and his ex can't come to terms with that, clean up the aftermath and remain friends. It doesn't mean he's going to sleep with her. It doesn't mean he's going to leave you for her. If she was good enough to be his life partner, isn't she good enough to be his friend?

    If you have trust issues, that's something you need to look into and address. Never would I forbid my partner from communicating with someone important in their life. Insecurity starts from within.

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  • by Yeux on February 7th, 2007

    Yeux

    I think he's not over her and wants to make sure that she still thinks about him.

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  • by Im Alec has abandoned this account on November 20th, 2006

    Im Alec has abandoned this account

    I would say that "every few months" is not a problem. Just because people divorced, it does not mean that the years they spent together go away completely.

    How people handle divorce varies a lot. One woman I knew used to have "Dad 1 and Dad 2" at parties - they worked together on the BBQ in the summer. Another used to get her ex to do home repairs because the new one was no good at DIY.

    Which is not to say that you should do the same. But to say that many would not see his behaviour as unreasonable. But, obviously, you do - and that is not unreasonable either. So you should raise the problem with him in a reasonable manner, saying that he is, whether he knows it or not and whether he understands it or not, causing you pain. And then you have to handle whatever he says to that - just as you would have to handle any other case where he did something you didn't like (staying out too late drinking, inviting his obnoxious brother or something).

    No relationship is perfect. This is obviously a rough spot in your relationship. You should try as best you can to smooth it down. But if you cannot, you have to look at the big picture and decide whether this is a deal-breaker. if it is, break the deal. If it isn't, just do your best to ignore the problem.

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  • by Ilyena on September 2nd, 2008

    Ilyena

    It's just like high school or college buddies you keep in touch with, wether boys or girls. :D
    You said that he wants to hear from her every few months, so that's a good sign he's showing you there. He loves you and doesn't wanna make you doubt him by him asking about her every week or day and talking on the phone with her.
    She's his ex-wife and I'm sure they just want to be good friends. I mean, you can't really stop caring about someone, if you had kids or not. It's just human nature.
    You should feel lucky to have a guy like him. :D

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  • by Professor StacieJ on September 8th, 2008

    Professor StacieJ

    I'd say leave him alone. No one wants to be told who they can and can not be friends with. Hopefully it will eventually die when she moves on too.

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  • by Anonymous on February 5th, 2009

    Anonymous

    I have the same problem with my boyfriend, we are together since 4 years and one month ago I read his, txt messages (having doubts since a while) he was saying to his first ex-wife I love you, xxx miss you and so on. I could not believe my eyes...He said to me that he never cheated on me. He can't leave with her, but he still loves both his ex-wives, he never had an exchange of love with his second thought. Probably this is a mans thing that you can love so many women in the same time.

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  • by sawzaz on September 2nd, 2008

    sawzaz

    I would be uncomfortable with this as well.If he has nothing to hide is he willing to let you read the e-mails so that you can feel confident that he really has nothing to hide.If he will not I think maybe he does.As his significant other he should put your feelings 1st.Anytime you feel discomfort about something I think your gut is telling you this is not a healthy situation for you.I know you could find someone who would give you top priority and the respect you deserve.You know you would tell your x it's nice to hear from you but I'm in a relationship now and dont' feel comfortable conversing anymore but I wish you the best.If you ask him to do this & he says he did will you believe him?Does it concern you that he doesn't have the same moral compass and you need to point this out.God Bless...

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  • by SHARE THE KNOWLEDGE on September 2nd, 2008

    SHARE THE KNOWLEDGE

    He has shared a life with this woman so it is hard sometimes not to wonder if she is okay so an email here and there is ok and just because they divorced does not mean he didn't love but just that they couldn't make thier marriage work. If you look inside yourself you will find that you still love exes in your life but not they way you do your current boyfriend. Every person holds a different place in your life

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  • by branciforte3241 on November 20th, 2006

    branciforte3241

    He was deeply in love with someone, and then things went horribly wrong. It is natural to want closure.

    I hate to say this, but it's really none of your business.

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  • by Mark_S3468 on February 12th, 2011

    Mark_S3468

    Move on to another relationship, see if he really is interested in you or not.

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  • by Spring10 on June 3rd, 2010

    Spring10

    After a long 3 years and lots of things going on...3 months ago my significant one tried to work things our with his ex wife "which afer many years she left him and move on"...just bcs his daughter want him to go back to her, he told me he was just trying being nice to her bcs of the grandkids,but when his daughter talked to me about she want her parent go back together she was pretty clear about how they were working things out "he denied everything about it" just that he was trying to be nice"...long story short, we broke up once again and since living on different states "2 hrs drive" its just impossible for me to believe/trust on him when am away. He still trying to keep us together and moving on with our relationship, but im so hurt that i just cant forget what he did, even when i still trying to continue....is this worth it? If i going to mention all the detail on here..i would not finish it...but i need some advice and i have no one i can ask for right now...im so embarassed that i still love him even though... i wish that i can forget everything about him and move on for my own sake.

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  • by zazzy_one on January 11th, 2007

    zazzy_one

    I can see from your profile page that all of your questions are about your boyfriend, and that the questions overlap themselves. This is what I suggest, honestly: I suspect that you could do some work on yourself. Just for one moment, pretend that you'd never met your boyfriend. Are you as happy as you can be? I've found in my own world that when I am happiest, I find myself in the best relationships. Maybe you should step out of it not because of this ex-wife thing, but because an ex-wife can worry you this much when she's nowhere in sight.

    I hope that you are able to find happiness within yourself first. Inward then outward, I say.

    If this thing works out, it works out. If it doesn't, let it be because you two are honest and mature with each other. Ask him honestly, is he waiting on the sidelines for her, like a love-sick puppy. If she came running back, what would he do. There is no reason to pull punches. The truth might set you free. If he tells you he isn't, then choose to either believe him or not believe him. If he appears to be honest, then nothing else really matters.

    If you are unable to deal with the ex-wife-as-a-good-friend situation, then move on. That doesn't make you a bad person, just different from the one he is looking for.

    The ring thing: let that go! It is not anything of importance. If it is a symptom of his longing, it is not MAKING him long. Get down to the truth of the matter. Not because I think these are important issues (I don't think I would be bothered by any of this) but because YOU are. You need to know or you can't be happy. That's the way you are.

    If he still has his wedding ring, perhaps he has feelings for her. Perhaps that means he's not a jerk, that he is human. If he ends up breaking up with you, presumably he will have feelings for you too. But he is investing his time with YOU, not her. You are his girlfriend. Take heart in that. Either the relationship will take wing or the two of you will move on because you need other types of partners.
    __________________________

    Having read this question after I already answered the ring question, I have a slightly different take on your concerns about the ring. Probably these numerous issues only needed one question: should I trust my boyfriend if he continues to keep his wedding rings and e-mails his ex-wife every few months. The ring, as a piece of property, is not important. That was never your real question. But as you stated it on the other page, I stand by my answer. http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/115680

    However in light of the whole picture now, I'll say the real question is trust and you have to get to the bottom of it. Can you trust him after honestly telling him your concerns and him responding. Will he be able to lovingly answer. If not, then you seriously need to consider that. You are who you are. You have these concerns. If he can't deal with that, you aren't going to become a different person. Similarly, he's not going to become a different person either. Good luck again.

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  • by munchkin_kids_downunder on January 11th, 2007

    munchkin_kids_downunder

    OK. he had a relationship with her. he may find it easier being a friend to her instead of being a husband to her. having a friendship with her is not wrong. he is being honest with you and not hiding the contact from you. they did have some things in common. it's better they had ended there relationship with a friendship. ry to be involved, get to know her, then you won't feel on the outer. they sound like they have moved on, he has moved on with you. be involved in his life, and these feelings will disappear.

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  • by Jen says hi - xx on September 2nd, 2008

    Jen says hi - xx

    nothing, they may want to stay friends..
    Just let it be and see how it goes...

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  • by sxclady on May 14th, 2008

    sxclady

    I had a similar thing where my partner and his ex wife were going out for curries every other week and i felt they were trampling on my feelings so i told him.
    He knows if he ever cheats,even kisses her then me and our daughter are gone and not coming back.

    Good luck.

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  • by Ra24_7_365 on June 3rd, 2010

    Ra24_7_365

    Sounds to me that they are better off as friends (in a non sexual way)since their marriage failed. If you feel that insecure about his keeping in touch with his ex then maybe you should mention that to him but you may either get one of the following responses:
    they are a friend since x amount of years
    you cant tell me who i can or cannot talk to
    she is my ex and even though that we are no longer married we are friends

    Those was just for an example. If you really want to know why he wants to keep in touch why not just ask him just like this "________(insert his name) I want to as you a serious question why do you want to hear from your ex every couple months?" The only time that I would not worry really. If he is hiding something or the email and phone conversations increase to increased long "business" trips then you should be concerned.

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