I understand exactly where you are coming from and the fact is that these abusers can convince you that this is all your doing, your fault...it's part of their technique used to control you. If you live in constant fear and under constant stress it is his doing not yours, you need to seek some help immediately, go to a counselor or social worker and get some advice, please.

AnnieOlgo, said it right! You see this is a head game to him. If you think you might be abused you probably are. Get help, ASAP!

It's not. I was abused by a family member but until fairly recently, I was convinced they would never abuse me and it was just me being dramatic. It took quite a bit for me to realize that it wasn't... Please get away from him.

If you "live in constant stress and some fear of him", then you are in the wrong relationship, whether he abuses you or not. You would NOT be "unfair to him" by leaving. You would be unfair to YOU to stay. See... my answer here for signs of an abuser - http://www.answerbag.com/a_view/2872392 my answer here for recognizing abusive relationships - http://www.answerbag.com/a_view/2748410 my answer here for "when is it over" or "time to leave" - http://www.answerbag.com/a_view/2830509 and http://www.answerbag.com/a_view/3315680 DO NOT stay in an abusive relationship "for him". That's what he wants, but it's NOT in YOUR interests to do so.

You MUST trust your instincts. If you have a feeling he might harm you, it's your intuition telling you to run! Talk with a professional, a women's shelter, a minister, anyone you trust to provide assistance. You MUST do this.

Why would your mind and feelings be wrong? Why would your mind be deceiving you? Does that happen in regards to any other situation or anybody else besides him?

Esperanza, what a wonderful name! Hope! My children's Godmother's name is Experanza (she goes by Hope). And a wonderful Compadre she is. You're plight has drawn my attention because a friend of mind (BigDaddyBS) thought I would be of some help. So stand by, Esperanza! First, I'll start with some assumptions: I am ONLY going by the information you've so far written in this forum and will assume, until proven otherwise, that it is true. If I make any assumptions outside this, I will try to word it appropriately. Feel free to correct me where necessary. Second, I am NOT a professional counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, attorney, or police officer. My opinions are my own, based upon my own observations and experiences. YOU are responsible for utilizing the appropriate professional intervention as required. Now, let's put things into perspective here: If you are being abused (emotionally, physically, sexually) YOU have a problem and it needs to be resolved, regardless of how your husband feels, what he says, or what he does. If you are not also guilty of contributing to the abusive situation, then let's put another thing into perspective: YOU are a victim. There is no dishonor in this, just a fact. If you ARE guilty of contributing to the abusive situation, YOU are also an abuser. I have known several couples who abused the heck out of each other. This means that you will also need to get counseling for this, as well. The problem with emotional abuse is it seriously erodes a person's self worth, which often leads to dangerous states of mind, both for yourself and others. Emotional abuse MAY also lead to physical and sexual abuse, but not always. The longer you put up with emotional abuse, the more likely YOU are to do harm to yourself and/or others. In a violent and terminal way. Also, the longer you put up with it, the more likely things will escalate and YOU will get hurt. So, you need to honestly ask youself some questions, starting with these: 1. Do I believe I am being (emotionally, physically, sexually) abused? 2. Am I also abusing my husband? 3. Do I want to continue to be abused? 4. Do I want to continue to abuse my husband? 5. Do I want to repair this relationship? 6. Do I want to get out of this relationship? 7. Who can help me with my decisions and get me the answers I need? Items 1 & 2 are straight forward evaluations of the situation. Your answers to them determine what kind of help you will need. Items 3 & 4 are decisions YOU need to make, based upon your answers to 1 & 2. Obviously, if you are not an abuser, that part doesn't count. Item 5 is VERY important for you to understand: Either way you answer this, you MUST accept that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work and only ONE to end it. Item 6 is a very crucial question. If you answer no, then you will never take any action and you will be stuck with this abuse, possibly all the way to the end of a short life. If you answer YES, then you've taken a very tiny step towards getting out of the abusive relationship. Item 7: These are the professionals, and in certain circumstances friends, who can give you guidance. If you decide to leave the relationship, the hardest thing you will have to do is figure out HOW and then ACT on it. God bless you, Esperanza, NOONE deserves to be abused. If you feel you are abused and you FEAR him, then you need to act. Ask yourself these questions, answer them honestly. Pick up the phone and call the professionals who can help you. Battered women's shelters can help. Doctors, medical and psychological both, can help you. Counselors can help you. The police can give you advice and document abuse. An attorney can help you. By the way, most attorneys will give a free hour of cousultation if you call and ask. Your church, if you are active in one, MAY be able to help. It kind of depends on the focus of your priest/pastor/reverend/rabbi/whatever. If their focus is on YOU and YOUR welfare, they can help. If their focus is on keeping you and your husband together at all costs, they will not be able to help. Now, let's talk about the flip side of the coin: YOUR HUSBAND. I have NO sympathy for abusers, especially manipulative abusers. If the situation is as you say, your husband deserves neither your sympathy, your trust, your loyalty, your love, your devotion, your services, your cooking, your cleaning, your laundry services, your special homemade desert your grandmother taught you, or the boogers from your nose. Well, maybe the boogers. But I digress. I hope I have made my point here. You have NOTHING to offer that your abusive husband deserves. Actually, you do. Give him his freedom. Cut yourself free and let him go. He can do whatever he wants as long as you aren't involved. The hardest part you will have to do is ACT. Talking to us on AB isn't taking action. Crying on your girlfriend's shoulder isn't taking action. Crying yourself to sleep and thinking it's your fault isn't taking action. Taking action ultimately means one thing if you decide to end the relationship: LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE! And did I mention LEAVE? If I didn't, then I'll say it again: LEAVE! I hope you will take my advice under consideration and ACT appropriately.to end the abuse (LEAVE!) Remember, the right answer in difficult and complex situations is rarely the easiest. Nor does the right decision make everybody happy. But happiness and easy are not the issue: making the right decision is. Read what you've written so far in this forum and realize how much you keep telling yourself it's not your fault. Then get help and LEAVE!

There are two possibilities here: either your husband is abusing you, or you feel that he is, for whatever reason. You may be able to get a good idea of which is which by proposing couples counseling (if he's abusing you, he'll either prove it on the spot, insist it's just you, or a good counselor will spot it almost immediately), but regardless, your relationship's unhealthy. Find a good friend who won't say "I told you so", and ask them for help.

If the people around you, whom I imagine care for you since they're sharing their observations with you, are seeing a pattern of abuse from this man, then I can only assume it must be true. Abuse comes in many forms, one of them being making you feel like you're doing something wrong when, in reality, you are not. What about him being unfair to you? Relationships are based on partnership, not a monarchy.

Who are these "people"? I try to refrain from making statements such as the ones which have been made to you because I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. If you feel that he is being abusive to you, that is a horse of a different color. Maybe you would both be best served by going to a counselor toghether to see if there is a way your relationship could be improved so that you are not in stress and in fear of a man you should love and respect.

<EDIT> Mistakenly posted as comment.

Geesh, you're asking me? I take it you're asking because I'm a retired sailor?

one known fact is that when you are abused emotionally.. the person who is being abused will not realize at that instant only a friend or a member of your family would be able to notice it.. you would go through a series of emotional and psychological trauma.. so to decide where you stand go through this link and you will get a better idea whether you are subjected emotional trauma or not..http://home-family.top54u.com/post/Definition-of-Verbal-Abuse.aspx

<EDIT>

This was a great answer, Chief!!! :D Sorry, wrong box again (Ditz!). This was meant to be a comment to The Chief's answer.

I put this in a comment, but I want to make sure you see it, so I'm posting it as an answer too. You said you have no friends. A healthy man in a healthy relationship WANTS his wife to have friends. He wants her to be happy. He wants her to have support. And vis versa. A mentally healthy woman wants her husband to have supportive, loving friends who make him happy and help him grow. An unhealthy, abusing man who wants to control his wife first separates her from anyone who wants to protect her. If you have no friends, and your husband isn't encouraging you to get out and make some, you are in an unhealthy, abusive and controlling relationship. I noticed that you broke of the conversation and signed off abruptly when you found out he was on his way home and in "one of his moods." First of all, the fact that he has "one of his moods" tells me he is probably mentally unstable. In fact, by definition, abruptly changing moods is instability. Secondly, if he is threatened even by cyberfriends, he has a real problem with controlling you and separating you from help. I would be afraid. I would get out in one heck of a hurry. As I posted to someone else today, check out doenetwork.org. Ask yourself if you want to be on that page. Otherwise, get out quick.

you are entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be. you feel them because they are true. think about it. you probably can't see the situation as someone on the outside does,. get out quick and smart, you will look back someday and you will know that what you are feeling right now is true and right and you need out. vick

Let me answer you this way......My husband almost convinced me that I take drugs, when I knew very well that I don't. At some stage I thought to myself, maybe I do take drugs, but not aware of it........just because he would frustrate me to a point of almost losing my mind!! Be careful, psychopaths can make you believe things that YOU know are not real!!!

Nobody should live in fear and feel constantly stressed, either get him to agfree to attend relationship guidance/counselling or drop him asap! You deserve much more than this, and its not fair on the twins - kids and babies 'pick up on these atmospheres and tensions in their environment, good luck