i understand your situation. have to admit that sometimes i do the same with my boyfriend ! he pampers me a lot, loves to hug me when he can and almost spoils me with cuddles, but i rarely do the first steps myself! i think that i do so because i m used to having him do everything in the first place. i dont have to ask him to hug me, he just does! .. my advice is that you should stay back from showing affection to her for a while, so that she has the chance to start everything by herself! "I have to go up and kiss/hug her instead of her comming to me." <- this doesnt mean that she doesnt love you or is not attracted to you. it may be that she is used to your pampering ! 'Laziness' is the word! .. If this does not work, just talk to her and tell her that you need her affection too, even if you dont go up to her and start everything yourself!! good luck !

Having been married to a woman like this, I can understand your frustration. Her attitude about this, is not likely going to change. Someone here posted, that you should hold back, and wait for her reaction. Why should you change your behavior to get her to change hers? I actually tried that route, to the point of also cutting out "night time activities". Nothing changed, except she got angry.It's really not up to you to change someone, they have to realize it for themselves. Point out to her, your feelings on the matter. If she doesn't want to be more affectionate, that's her choosing. Some simply don't like public displays of affection. In private, however, if it remains the same, there's really no excuse. You can choose too. You don't have to feel like an outsider and can move on.

I hope you have no plans of marrying this person. It will not get any better. if you are a huggy-type person and she is not, you are set for a life of gloom and doom. For love to function, it takes a two-way street. an unaffectionate spouse is a reason so many men and women turn other people. The world is full of loving, loving people. life is too short to be stuck with a popsicle.

one reason is probably that shes afraid if your not giving it right now then u dont want it at that exact moment. And it may be easier for the boy to put himself out there then it is for the girl to might embarress herself.. but keep showing that you want it all the time and she might come around. hey and maybe even talk to her that alwayss workss

haha, what you need to do is when your with her, dont overly show affection, act distant, that will bother her and she will bombard you with questions like: "are you mad at me?" whats wrong" then you can deny anything is wrong and give her a LETS SAY: an uneffectionate kiss on the cheek, this wont be enough to cease her curiousity... its works if she really cares about you

Its weird because its usually the males who are the unaffectionate ones and the females who are (stereotypically) I'm going through the same and i know this post is old but i dunno what to do. In my experience ive found being unaffectionate will just get yourself frustrated as then there is no affection at all. Do you feel like your carrying the relationship all by yourself? and are you still in the same relationship and how is it going. Ive talked to my girl about it and she tells me its just the way she is and it doesnt change the way she feels about me but yet i feel im missing that second half. Let me know if you got any good advice to give cheers

I found this site after my boyfriend "msyteriously" left it open on my computer. I know he has been complaining about this to me. I keep telling him them same thing over again, but he refuses to listen to me. So from a girl who is in the position of said girlfriend, I can say Auntie Em has the best answer, fully encompassing how I feel. My BF ignores me all the time and only focuses on what I can do for him. As a result he has to resort to websites such as this to find out how to deal with me, when all he has to do is listen to what I have to say, point blank. The worst thing is, instead of listening to me, he is now accusing me of cheating on him--which I am not. So a piece of advice to the original poster and all others is, before you ask for advice from strangers, why don't you go ask your girlfriend directly?

Well, this thread dormant, but in case anyone like me stumbles across it, I would recomend that you atleast consider checking out "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This book caused a near instant change in how my fiancee and I expressed our love for each other. It accounts for the reasons why a person who loves another very much, may not express that love in the way the other expects or even perceives. I will say that I was in the exact same situation as cooldude, very loving fiancee who just would not show physical affection unless almost coerced. After reading Chapman's examples and explanations, the situation has completely changed. With her now understanding the need for the physical affection (in my case) she gives it much more readily, to the point where she to has come to appreciate that physical connection that befoer she didn't really care for. Whether you agree with the book or not, I think it's at least worth giving it a shot.

Wow! It's the other way around with my man and I!

When you say you 'shower her with affection and love' what are you doing? Are you trying to initiate sex? Because that's where my DH messes up; he thinks affection and love = sex and it isn't. Hopefully you're not getting them mixed up.

i have the exact same problem...mostly when we're with her friends...she seems to completely ignore me...ive talked to her about it and she just says "ive never been taught how to show affection"...what kind of answer is that? i go to see her and im happy to see her for the first 10 or so minutes, but after that i could seriously just roll up and die i feel so sad...she doesnt seem to even notice the way i feel, though i make it obvious. I know that im just attention loving, but the feelings i get when this happens are so strong that i feel like leaving her, though she is the world to me...i know she loves me, is there anything i can do?

there is really no excuse for the lack of affection in a relationship. i'm going through the same situation right now. i shower my girlfriend with affection and i hardly get a kiss let alone a hug in return. she told me she is just "not that way" as a result of her lack of affection. whenever i see her in church she is constantly hugging and smiling to everyone else, but at home she insists on not kissing or hugging me. someone help me! i'm ready to leave her.

I love my girlfriend and I know she loves me but I have tried everything to try to get her to become more affectionate. She says she will work on it but nothing has changed the slightest bit. What should I do any advice!?!

sum people are just not openly affectionet mayby u should try being freinds

is your affection a result of your boozing, hound?? if not you might want to consider finding a new girlfirend...can you say selfish

Yup, me too. I think we set up a precedency early on of over loving, instead of keeping an eye on an even balance. Once someone has something for a while, they will expect it to be that way from then on. The key here is to not over do it in the beggining. You give, theyre content. Why work for more if theyre getting it? They will if theyre not. Raise theyre interest level, back off a tad, not bluntly, ule see differences but,it takes time.

Well one good thing is you said when you show her love she does back. Have you tryed talking to her about it? Maybe she's got problems with it like she's not comftable with it as much as you are or isn't ready for it. She might be showing she loves you in other ways you might not notice. It's not always easy to see how someone feels if your used to it being out in the open. Maybe if you back off a little she might for some reason. I really hope I helped you in some way. Good luck.

im going through the same thing, showing love spoiling her with kisses hug back rubs but you can tell she enjoys it but she never kisses or hugs me unless i move in first she also says she isnt a affectionate person but once in a great while she will kiss me or hug me or cuddle on me instead of me makeing the first move but its very rare she does that ima try to back off a little see if it works

Wow I'm too going through the same thing now, I feel like the girlfriend in the relationship. I'm always the one to initiate the affections and its really frustrating that she never does. We need feedback, and naturally if a person likes someone they will have affection showing their interest. What you guys think?

wow! i experience the same thing I am super affectionate with my girlfrind and get very little affection back. Many times its like she makes excuses why we cant remain embraced. "yer pulling my hair....i cant breathe....i have to go to the bathroom......im hot" on and on. I know she loves me. I know she wants marriage and children so its not consistent with her lack of affection. I have done the route of backing off. She doesnt react. I have had a talk with her multiple times how much it upsets me when she doesn tsay goonight, doesnt show any affection in the morning or before bed, doesnt show much excitement when i come home from a biz trip. It Sucks. so ive expressed my pain in this and she shows a bit more affection for a wek or so and then bacl to the normal plan. She says the same.."i wasnt raised that way" and its true her parent arent so warm good people but not so touchy feely or warm and affectionate. Bummer situation cause i know shed be a great mother, we have a great time together, we share so many comomon values, but i just dont think i will ever be able to deal with this issue. Can anyone shd any light on the situation?

wow! i experience the same thing I am super affectionate with my girlfrind and get very little affection back. Many times its like she makes excuses why we cant remain embraced. "yer pulling my hair....i cant breathe....i have to go to the bathroom......im hot" on and on. I know she loves me. I know she wants marriage and children so its not consistent with her lack of affection. I have done the route of backing off. She doesnt react. I have had a talk with her multiple times how much it upsets me when she doesn tsay goonight, doesnt show any affection in the morning or before bed, doesnt show much excitement when i come home from a biz trip. It Sucks. so ive expressed my pain in this and she shows a bit more affection for a wek or so and then bacl to the normal plan. She says the same.."i wasnt raised that way" and its true her parent arent so warm good people but not so touchy feely or warm and affectionate. Bummer situation cause i know shed be a great mother, we have a great time together, we share so many comomon values, but i just dont think i will ever be able to deal with this issue. Can anyone shd any light on the situation?

Yeah going through the same thing right now. She says it's the way she is and her father was the same way. I think it's because her parents broke up when she was young. I tell her that i want her to be more affectionate. Why tell someone they are that way and they can't change or even try?

my girlfriend will complete the affection but not start it. ive been going out with her for 4 months and shes never been the one to start giving me a hug at least once i have hugged her so much. i kiss her and sometimes i feel guilty for kissing her. she says she is trying to work on being more affectionate. i quit showing affection for a few days now and im giving her the chance to show some for a while on her own. if your girl is trying to come around i would give her a chance too. i hope this works this is a last resort. it is so hard to keep from showing her affection because if i show it i will get some back but it makes me feel like i want it all and she does not. its only going to feel right to me if she meets me half way

Yeah, totally in this at present. I've had a long distance rel with my GF for 18 months now and things have been bad for about 10 months. I love her, and she knows. We have sex no problem and we have fun when together with friends. Going to bed together, caressing, all the things that 'normal' couples do, feel together, hug, kiss, gaze at eachother and feel something, a connection. It's all stopped and I now sit at my desk whilst she is asleep. I am desperetly upset. I tried EVERYTHING! Backing off, going-on stronger, not calling her, gelousy, more sex, less sex, different sex, been cold, ironic, talking, crying, shouting, saying nothing and even trying to be like her. Nothing has worked, unfortunately I am now considering ending this, she just doesn't get it and says that she's cold and she will always be. The fact is that people interpret the feeling of togetherness very differently, there is no change to make. Love isn't the issue. It's compatibility. Guys: ask yourselves one question - if you leave her, will you be happier? Will the frustration and pain end and free you? You know the answer and so do I but Jesus it's so hard..

I am in the same boat as you all. I have talked to her about it and it has improved. I chalk it up to two main characteristics. 1. She is more independent than most - (you will need to deal with giving her space, if you can't do that maybe you should find someone else. It sucks, but it might be the best choice in the long run) 2. She doesn't like showing affection in public. (when we are alone things are fine, but when we are in public it is like I am out with my grandma...What HAPPENED?!?......solution- start small, like holding hands, little pecks on the cheek... things of that nature. When she returns the favor, let her know you appreciate it and it has a much higher potential for a repeat performance.

Don't give up Man. I have dealt with the same type of problem with my girl for like 4-5 months now. Alot of it is stress, when women have a lot on their plate, they're not as affectionate as we would like them to be, and so we get all of these weird notions and ideals about doing everything but addressing HER needs. I hug my girl all of the time, shower her with compliments, materialism, etc., and I was at one point that I too thought she was losing interest, but that wasn't the case. You have to remember that no mater how unbearable it is at times, a relationship is about giving, not recieiving, so if you're in it for what you can get out of the relationship, ask yourself what you can do to make her appreciate your affection. Not giving it to her is just going to create walls, and even though she will think there is something wrong, do you really want to play head games with your girl to manipulate the response you want? That's not love, think outside the box, it's got great benefits. Everyone needs their own space, and this may be what she needs, so find you a hobby you can both enjoy together, or alone, then your not smothering her. Independednce is a great thing in a relationship, so let her be the girl you met and fell for, then get back to who you are as an individual and before you know it, things ought to pan out.

You shower your girlfriend with attention because this is what you want from her and when you don't get it you feel rejected and unloved. Have you sat your girlfriend down and asked her how she feels she shows her love for you? We all express our love in different ways and generally it is in the way we want to be loved, but our partners maybe different in how they express. Sit down with her and discuss it, maybe if you know how she expresses her love when it happens you will recognise it for what it is. Plus a relationship is give and take and maybe if she knows how it would make you feel for her to do something spontaneous now and then she maybe inclined to oblige you.

hmm-take a step back and let her initiate the affection. I hate to think that she's playing any games but I would just let her show you how she feels. Who knows she may ask you after a day why you haven't shown her any affection. At that point tell her that you were a bit unsure if she was affectionate and liked affection from you. Some people show affection differently. I think you need to get some assurance of what she likes and may not like, however she needs to tell you-BUT what girl doesn't love to be cuddled???

I'm in the same boat as well..a very wise friend once asked me this question in response the these same feeling that have been expressed above "Do you know how hard it is to maintain a plush green lawn in the summer? If you don't put enough fertilizer on the lawn...the grass will surely die and if you put too much fertilizer on the lawn...it will also die...how do you find the right balance? The same also applies watering the lawn too much as well". The point is that expressing your love and affection can in some senses be too much which can make your girlfriend feel smothered (as in my case). So I've learned to not necessarily reign in my love and acts of kindness...but to calm down...its a shame but true "girls love when guys do not give them much attention". This can also be equated with "girls loving assholes". Girls are seeming contradictions...try to learn to deal or else you will inevitably have to move on for lack of reciprocity.

I think, just accept it for what it is. You love her & are a very affectionate person. Its easy to get in that trap, of giving but expecting something back. If she is like I was, it may take a lil while for her to come around or appreciate the small things. But you can never put that type of expectation on someone, without being prepared to be let down. Give her time, and appreciate the small things that she may be doing to reciprocate. Then you have to ask yourself, would you rather be with her & sacrifice what you would wish, or without her & never know what she was fully capable of giving? Then be content with that...good luck!

Here's something to ponder...why do you feel the need to be so expressive with your girlfriend to the extent of showering her? Is there a specific void that you would like her to fill in return for your showering? Me personally...I'm guilty of the same, but I'll admitt that the void I was/am trying to fill was the fact that I'm aftaid she may not like me anymore if I stop showering her. The strange part about my showeing is that she was never a high maintenance or person in need of attention -- that is she never gave me reason to shower her. I pretty much told her and was upfront with her; she responded that I was not putting enough faith in our relationship. In some sense, she's right...I was trying to fill my unwarranted concern.

Yeah so story of my life right? Affectionate guy with the girl that doesn't openly show affection and all that. I've been wanting to talk to her for a while about it now and sometimes she can just tell something is wrong, but well, usually conversations like this end up in a fight where I'm wrong lol. So the other day we were driving to the water park and she starts saying how I could find a girl that would love me and show as much affection as i show her and how she always feels bad about not showing any affection to me and how she tries but just cant do it...I didn't really know what to say because that's what I had been upset about and she feels the same way about herself... We both love each other, we've been together for 2 years and we've discussed marriage a lot... So where do I go from here or what do we do?

Lot's of advice: lose weight workout help out around the house - often! - be a MAN OF ACTION mean what you say and say what you mean don't be mean stop farting around her, smelly pants. I've got more... more of the same.

i have a problem. i think she loves me but she rarely shows it, public affection is out of the question and we hardly get to talk and have conversations like we used to. its only been 3 months. feels like its been 3 years. we have a great day out and then things are wierd again, i find it easy to express myself in letters and phonecalls but she doesnt. she says it takes her time, and to give her a chance, but really i see no light at the end of this tunnel. please help.

+5 have you communicated this desire to her ?

I'm confused? I shower my girlfriend with affection and love, but she doesn't seem to return the favor. She only shows affection when I give it. Any advice? Which is it? She does or doesn't. If she does then give her more attention.