by Anonymous on July 16th, 2007

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I am a non-smoker and my girlfriend smokes when she drinks. I hate it!! It makes us fight every time she lights up. She knows i hate it and that it is affecting us. Any ideas?

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by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
You're not going to like this but... you KNEW she smoked when you got together. Why do you insist that she changes to fit into the mold of the girl you want to be with? If we are interested in someone we should accept what they are, not be trying to change them. You are completely out of line.
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- +6
  
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  by alwayscurious on July 27th, 2009
- It makes sense, a/c. Thank you.
  
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  by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
- Yes it does. Many ppl I think get into a relationship with another person even when there is something about that person they don't care for, thinking that it will change, or that they themselves will change them. It doesn't work that way though.
  
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  by alwayscurious on July 27th, 2009
- I figured that out a long time ago. There is a difference between getting involved knowing something and getting involved and being surprised with it. This is why I think it's important to be open and honest about who you are. I think people don't talk enough either but fall in love and get their heads all muddled up. We learn things later and don't like them. I'm all for waiting a long time before tying the knot.
  
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  by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
- Ditto to your answer, Ditto. +6
  
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  by ChuckExAnon on July 27th, 2009
- Thank you, Chuck. Haven't seen you around much...
  
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  by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
- APPLAUSE DITTO!!!!!!
  
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  by ladyshakespeare on July 27th, 2009
- Saw your answer when I wrote my own. Hair goes up on my neck when I read somebody wanting to tell someone else what to do. I hate this! I hate that. You've got to stop it! Read my answer, OK? :-(
  
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  by ChuckExAnon on July 27th, 2009
- Thank you, Lady. I will, Chuck.
  
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  by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
- Yes Ditto. I think that is all true. Poeple need to fully be themselves, & also get to know one another long enough before ever getting married.
  
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  by alwayscurious on July 27th, 2009
- I was a real peckerhead when I got married. I ignored a lot of crap and tied the knot. I look back and am awed at the idiot I was but the lesson was very valuable. It's helped make me who I am today.
  
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  by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
- Yes, I'm sure many get married in that sort of way. When very young, we ignore many things that are right in front of us.
  
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  by alwayscurious on July 27th, 2009
- Things we don't WANT to see have a way of disappearing. Interestingly enough, some of us learn from these things, others don't and repeat the same mistakes.
  
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  by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
- Yes. I sure hope I learn from any & all of my mistakes.
  
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  by alwayscurious on July 27th, 2009
- Life's all about learning. :-)
  
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  by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
- Quite true
  
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  by alwayscurious on July 28th, 2009
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by ChuckExAnon on July 27th, 2009
Just reading and analyzing the wording of your question suggests to me that the issue of smoking is just the beginning of a long list of things "I hate that you do this...and I hate that you do that!"

Do the young lady a favor, break it off and go find someone who enjoys being controlled from the minute she wakes up in the morning until she has spent the whole day satisfying you at night.
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- Hahaha! The control issue is the problem. What gets me is that he KNEW beforehand.
  
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  by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
- Yeah, I'd like t'see him try his shit with Jadey...NUNYA...Spicey...and a whole host of other great ABer's in here. Thanks, Ditto, for headin' over t'my answer and ratin' it for me. I appreciate that. You know your courtesy will always be reciprocated.
  
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  by ChuckExAnon on July 27th, 2009
- It's my pleasure, Chuck.
  
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  by Ditto on July 28th, 2009
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by ladyshakespeare on July 27th, 2009
it doesnt sound like she is the one with the problem here. The issue seems to be more of an insecurity and control issue on your part. If she only smokes when ashe drinks, maybe you should BOTH quite drinking and not go to the bar. If you intend to control her "unhealthy" habit, control yours as well.
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- perfect. The only thig I can add, is may be "move on" if it means that much.
  
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  by Guy Gray on July 27th, 2009
- yes, move on is a must. I cant help but wonder if he wont try to "mold" the next and next girls as well. That kind of seems like the objectve here.
  
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  by ladyshakespeare on July 27th, 2009
- It's sad to think that of someone I dont know.
  
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  by Guy Gray on July 27th, 2009
- I could be wrong, that was just the impression I got from the question. Too many people select on physical appearance only thinking that they can fix the rest, and it just doesnt work.
  
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  by ladyshakespeare on July 27th, 2009
- too true.
  
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  by Guy Gray on July 27th, 2009
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by Designeedawn on October 2nd, 2008
Get over it. You sound controlling. If that's your biggest complaint about her then ur a lucky man. Unless she drinks every day, and therefore smokes everyday, why does it matter so much?
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- +6, especially insofar as the opening sentence.
  
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  by ChuckExAnon on July 27th, 2009
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by D.J. on October 2nd, 2008
I recommend you find another girlfriend. She has every right to smoke, and you should not ask her to not smoke for you. I don't smoke, either, and I could never date a girl who smokes. But the problem is yours, not hers. I recommend you move on. Good luck!
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- Yeah, move on and let her be happy. +
  
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  by Ditto on July 27th, 2009
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by Anonymous on October 2nd, 2008
Assuming that she had these habits before you started dating her, you should have known it would be a problem when the relationship started. Given that, if she knows it's killing the relationship and doesn't care, perhaps its time to move on anyway.
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by Ryan thinks work is boring on October 2nd, 2008
the point of dating is to find what you do and do not like in a potential life-long mate. sounds like you found a big red X with this one. move on to one who doesn't smoke but has other qualities you may be looking for.
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by Someone on July 16th, 2007
You can't change her. I suppose you are lucky it's only when she drinks (unless she's an alcoholic off course, but then you'd have a whole other can of worms going.) If you are unable to accept that of her, you may have to move on. Sometimes, it's things like these that are the deal breakers. If you don't either choose to accept it or leave the fights could increase, you could ruin a good thing. Best to decide how much this girl means to you, and if no smoking means more, it's best to say good bye ):
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by Shelby on July 16th, 2007
Chill out. It could be a LOT worse than cigarettes. She could be shooting heroin, or sleeping with other people.
It is only when she drinks, so there's something to be greatful for.
I am a smoker, by boyfriend isn't. If he started fights with me about my smoking on a regular basis, our relationship wouldn't lsat.
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by schmee2369 on July 27th, 2009
...you cant get mad at her, its what she does. Let the woman smoke....why let something so stupid get in the way of your relationship? Expecially when she only does it while she drinks. Alot of people only smoke when they drink. Just dont kiss her, or make her brush her teeth or something.
You got with her knowing it...
Accept her for what she does.
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- +6 schmee...but I sense that you've written your answer to an "it's all about me" kinda person. Not a good foundation for a sound relationship...IMO.
  
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  by ChuckExAnon on July 27th, 2009
- I know, but that kinda stuff plants a seed later on. Gives people sumpin to think about.
  
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  by schmee2369 on July 27th, 2009
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by Shatzee coming back? on July 27th, 2009
either start becoming tolerant of each other, stop picking stupid little fights and love her for the reasons that you do instead of focusing so much on what you dont. Otherwise, break up.
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by Anonymous on July 16th, 2007
It's totally understandable that you would hate the smoking. Unfortunately, it sounds like it's more your problem than hers. It's a lifestyle choice that is apparently more important to her than how you feel about (I mean, it doesn't sound like she's addicted to it if she only does it occasionally). It might just be time for you to evaluate whether or not that is the kind of relationship you want.
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by MyGiveaDamnsBusted on July 27th, 2009
Get Over It! It's not like she does it everyday.
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by suttashley on July 27th, 2009
if its not an everyday thing it shudnt be such a big problem, if u really love her u can look paa that i bet there are things dat she looks pass sat gets her mad about u, if u cnt tehen is best yu guys split.. =/
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by rammacees on October 2nd, 2008
No point in fighting about it the arguing just going to get worse , she knows how you feel, dont be around her when she is smoking and avoid kissing her properly untill she freshens her breath up as it makes you feel sick but dont fight it no one can be forced to change.
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- Positroll +6, rammaces. You expressed your opinion just fine.
  
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  by ChuckExAnon on July 27th, 2009
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by Needs some coffee on October 2nd, 2008
If it's a deal breaker for you, then it's time to move on. There is nothing wrong with that being a deal breaker for you and it's better you know that now instead of after you are married.
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by DudeLer 2 on October 2nd, 2008
old question.
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by Anonymous on July 16th, 2007
Back off?

She's only smoking when she drinks. Why are you so adamant about her not smoking, but you have no problem with her drinking (which is just as disgusting and unhealthy, by the way)?? SHE obviously enjoys it. Would you give up something YOU enjoy just because she hates it? I doubt that very much.
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by Lt. Shinysides on July 27th, 2009
I have an idea, stop being a dick. If she wants to smoke let her smoke, if you don't like it tough. You don't get to decide if she smokes or not just because it is, for some reason, socially acceptable to give out to smokers and bother them just because you don't like it.
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by Tania Lue on July 27th, 2009
This is a basic clash of lifestyles. You can't force her to quit her habit as she can't force you to pick it up, or even tolerate it.

Break up and move on or tolerate her habits but don't force her to change. That is up to her.
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by LinZ on July 27th, 2009
everyone is making it sound like its a not a big deal that she smokes....I disagree.

I am a non-smoker and I find smoking a disgusting habit. I have lots of friends that smoke and would never think less of someone for making that choice, but when its the person you are with in a relationship it's a different story. I dont want to be physical and affectionate with someone that smells and tastes like smoke, so I dont even date someone that smokes. Maybe you should give her an ultimatum. Tell her that you refuse to be physical with her anymore if she continues to smoke around you. That will let you know how much she values you and how much she values her cancer-sticks!
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by Anonymous on July 27th, 2009
I am in the same vote as you, but now we have a kid together, so its ten times worse. Its nasty and disgusting and selfish. No surprise I am a bit of a health freak. My advice to you is get someone new, b/c people don't change. Don't worry about me, just save yourself.
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by .avallach on July 27th, 2009
It's really simple. It's not easy, but it's simple.

Talk to her. Let her know that you're a non-smoker and her smoking is a 'deal breaker' for you, if it is. If you'd be OK with her smoking as long as she did it outside, or whatever, let her know that. If she can't live up to that, then break it off now before you're any more invested in each other.

Think of it this way: assume for a moment that you two get married and 20 years from now she's still smoking and you're still hating it. You're both miserable, and likely wishing you'd found someone who didn't smoke, or in her case didn't hate that she smokes.

It just doesn't make any sense to continue to try to force that relationship to work with a major issue like this between you. Better to move on and find someone else you're a better match with.
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by SteAdams on November 3rd, 2009
First thing buddy, I'm in the same shoes as you, I'm a non-smoker but my girlfriend smokes.
Its not about her smoking though, we love each other a lot and so it doesn't matter, we've been together since school, six years now.
Just let your girlfriend smoke and try to get over it because she won't quit she'll just think you're moaning at her.
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by Anonymous on October 2nd, 2008
I have exactly the same problem mate. It sucks.
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by Anonymous on August 15th, 2009
No, Really, I have the same problem.

I can not stand smoking, and she only does it due to peer pressure.

My mum + dad had the same problem, my mum asked my dad to stop or it was over.

Thus he stopped, and they've never been happier.
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by Scifisuz on July 27th, 2009
If you care for her, accept her as is. Yes, she knows you hate it and she's still doing it. You will become her problem if you continue to fight about it.
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by MarcusCrassus on July 27th, 2009
Stop being a pussy.
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by Anonymous on July 27th, 2009
i hate alcohol but i love pot. idk if shes smoking weed or cigs, but tell her to go outside if u dont like it. you can also go give her a hug and stick some nicotine patches on her neck without her noticing haha. ask her whats more important, your relationship, or her addiction.
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Question

I am a non-smoker and my girlfriend smokes when she drinks. I hate it!! It makes us fight every time she lights up. She knows i hate it and that it is affecting us. Any ideas?

Answers. 29 helpful answers below.

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