Have you ever heard, "It's never the situation, it's how you HANDLE the situation that counts?" Think about that for a minute. I can't offer advice about your GF, but if you're serious, you have a bigger issue to handle.
Please understand - this is not meant in a critical way, not at all. You ought to see some of the monumental blunders I've made. Since I'm outside the situation, though, it's easier for me to see the long-term effects of the idea, effects you might not see.
Do you really plan on staying in a self-abusive cycle - not for the rest of the week or next month, but for your entire flipping LIFE? Why? Why do you deserve that? I just know you cannot mean this cheating. A life sentence is a bit much for the "crime", don't you think?
Of course, cheating is wrong. No one who betrays another's love and trust should get off scot free. It's dishonorable. I'm sure you are sincerely regretful. But, my gosh, man, if you're THIS distraught over a fling, while your girlfriend - not fiancée, not wife - was at her own home - not exactly next door - how in the world will you handle real trouble?
What makes you think you can pull this off, anyway? You'll be hard-pressed to wring enough guilt out of this mistake to produce a good, solid, mental ass-kicking for more than six months, give or take.
The danger here lies in the unhealthy precedent. Each time you land a good whack on yourself, whatever provided this idea will feel satisfied and rewarded - or at least, justified. Imagine how the subconscious mind - which can't usually distinguish shinola from the other stuff - could interpret: Bad actions > guilt > self abuse > pain > reward > pleasure. Bingo!
When your remorse from this episode starts fading, how long before you and your subconscious find other ways to commit more guilt-producing acts?
That aside, what good would a self-abusive cycle do? What on Earth will that fix? The mistaken impression that you learn from your mistakes and go on with life? Direct your energy toward the positive. You have a choice on how you see it: a horrible, damning screw-up that you'll never get past, or an error in judgment that you regret and will not repeat.
Think about the ramifications, the ripple effects. By sentencing yourself to a lifetime of psychological torture, more or less what you're doing, you are reassigning your own valuable coping-with-external-stress mechanisms to the unnecessary war you've decided to wage internally.
Don't do that, my friend. Do not go there. You do not need to help the dark forces in this world foul you or your life up.
Trouble doesn't need you to leave the back door open so it can sneak in after midnight. Oh, no. Sometimes Trouble marches right across the front yard in mid-day when the sky is blue and the sun is shining. You won't even hear the porch steps creak before he knocks your front door halfway down the hall, walks inside, and announces that the untested, beta version of your life has just been installed. The life you were busy living five minutes ago is gone - for good.
Imagine how your GF will feel. You tell her about the crime. That's bad enough. But wait - the suspect's already been caught, tried and sentenced, without input from the victim on his fate. The poor guy's going to crack his skull open every now and then for the next fifty years or so to plaster the message that he's an undeserving, worthless dirt bag into the forefront of his consciousness so he can always be tormented by his terrible mistake.
Forget about your GF's estimate of your value as a person, or your real level of dirt-bag-ged-ness. Never mind that she may have forgiven you only a few days after you told her. And why would she stay with you, anyway, after she hears your plan? On some level, she's going to wonder how forgiving you'll be when she makes a mistake. Look at all the slack you cut yourself.
Are you getting the point?
How about this: you're being a lousy friend to yourself. What if you need you as a pal? Think about it. People come and go. You, however, are pretty much in it for the long haul with the guy who stares back in the mirror. If you don't take care of him, son, life will suck and it will suck in a major way.
In all sincerity, if this is your plan, God help you and anyone around you. You'll be a mean and tired old man before you hit forty. Self-loathing is not manageable. It's not a casual emotion you take out and put on for a few minutes now and then. Once it gets a foothold, self-abuse starts looking a lot like self-destruction.
You don't want to see Trouble standing in your front doorway, do you? Start on serious self-abuse and just wait. You'll hop out of the shower some morning and guess who's gonna be there? He'll hand you a towel and give you the happy news. "Since you and your life will be demanding so much of my time from now on, I'm moving in."
Man, oh man. Your house will ROCK.
Make a different plan, my friend, and forget the self-abuse. Figure out where the idea came from in the first place, so it doesn't get into another plan. This is a real issue. I'm serious. Be a friend to yourself. Good luck.
Comments
Whew.
by Alonzo Garbonzo on November 30th, 2005
I love this answer!
by iwnit on May 23rd, 2007
Well, thank you!
by Jodie44 on May 23rd, 2007
There are no words for how spectacular this is. Thank you for always providing that kind of beacon of light.
by Sixty B - Commander Topcoat on April 27th, 2008
This answer is pretty much the right way to go. I would suggest looking at my hand to see what I have. one good card left. another card shows up that is equivalent to the first card. then you scored a good victory in relieving yourself. Every man needs relief at night. Man without a woman will go crazy at night. Its perfectly normal. Just about everyone will cheat on one another some point in life. Everyone is not perfect.
by Anonymous on October 3rd, 2009