I'm sorry, it's not your place to deal with her attitude-that's her father's job and your confronting her about it will only make her resent you more. Be kind to her and let her know that you have no desire to replace her mother, only to be a friend to her & her father. Talk to your boyfriend about the situation, let him know what you are feeling and the way her attitude gets to you. Then step back and let him deal with his daughter. To put it simply, you are not her parent nor step-parent and have no right to punish the child. I'm not trying to be hateful to you, only trying to prevent you from making a mistake that could cost you the relationship with your boyfriend. Have him tell his daughter (if divorced) that the marriage to her mother is over and even if he breaks up with you, he will be dating other women and will eventually get married again. Give her time to accept this information-she will rebel against it at first-and to accept that you love her father. He should explain to her that he needs and deserves to be loved and have someone in his life who will treat him good, that his first priority is taking care of his daughter but that you are important to him as well. Try doing some "family" oriented activities-go to her favorite movie or restaurant together. Don't try to buy her love or force her to love you, just let it happen naturally. Include her in your dates with her father so that she will accept you and know that you aren't kicking her out of her father's life. I hope you can hear what I'm saying and know that I am not aiming to hurt you. I completely understand your situation, have been there myself (as a parent and as a girlfriend) and giving the best advice that is available to me. Good luck.

The answer depends on how recent the divorce was. If the divorce was fairly recent (like three years or less), understand that the girl has had a lot of adjustments to make. Especially at this age, when she is just starting to go through puberty, it must be very stressful. The teen years are stressful, scary, and overwhelming to begin with without throwing in parents divorcing and father having a new girlfriend. She is without doubt going through a lot of turmoil, feeling confused, threatened by you that you are going to take her father away, worried about her mother, etc. Especially so if the father left the mother and the mother is depressed and not over it. If this is the case, I think you need to validate the girl's feelings. Let her know that you realize she has been going through a lot lately, and that while you are her father's friend, your intention is not to replace her or her mother. You might also try some friendly gestures, like buying her some clothes or something girlie (just make sure you get her father's permission first), asking her if you could paint each other's nails, etc. Then talk about whatever she wants to talk about. Show interest in her and her life, her friends, what music she likes, etc. Basically, try to become friends with her. She probably feels a sort of competitiveness with you, like you might feel with a girl you thought was trying to steal your boyfriend. But if you get close to her, she won't see you as as much of a threat. Don't forget that you are the adult. It's up to you to initiate friendship. If she feels that you don't like her, she is not going to like you back. On the other hand, if the divorce happened long ago, there might be something else more serious going on. My parents divorced when I was a baby, and I know at 13 I would have had absolutely no problem if my father had a girlfriend. In fact, I would have welcomed it. If this is the case, I don't know what to say. I would have to know more detail. Like, how does she get along with her mother? Does she have a stepfather and how do they get along? Does she maybe have a psychological disorder like depression? You could try my other suggestions, but keep in mind she might be harder to win over.

i wish you the best of luck, i myself am going thru the same thing... only with a 20 year old, and it upsets me terribly, i've talked to him about it and he's done nothing in the past 4 years, he does't want her to get upset. because she's had such a bad life . but that's not my fault and this is adult hood, not childhood

Your boyfriend comes as a package deal, including his 13 year old daughter, mouth and all. he is the childs father and has the responsibility of correcting her attitude. you are just on the sidelines and have no authority to correct her. His daughter is going through puberty. this, along with not having a real mother present, is a deadly combination for all concerned. my wife and i have experience this exact situation. If you are going to stay with this person, you need to have a serious conversation, concerning his daughter. remember, blood is thicker than water and he will defend his daughter, first. its just natural.

I am in the same boat. I am in a relationship with a man who has a 14 year old and 17 year old. We also have a 5 month old baby together. The 14 year old has not accepted me and continues to be disrespectful and manipulate circumstances for her own benefit. This is tough. This is how I handle it....I share my concerns with her father and "hope" that he is going to shape her way fo thinking in a much more positive manner. We live in different houses and haven't made the jump to move in together yet since he wants me to move into his house he built with his kids mother 17 years ago and I refuse...so we live in seperate homes (my house is too small to accomodate all of us). I am at the point that I avoid interacting with his kids since it is hurtful for me to have to be around his spoiled brats. I am kind and consistient when I do see them, I just don't go out of my way to do anything for them since they don't appreciate it anyway. I am not kidding you....and certainly understand what you are going through...it is very difficult. I attribute the problem to their father since he should have more influence over them and is not recently divorced (divorce took place over 10 years ago). My advice is: do what makes you feel good and do it with dignity. Ignore this kid and let her father "fix" the problem as long as you are not living in the same home....because if you all live together then I would handle things differently and have a bigger "voice" in matters that happen under my roof.

I've read over the answers given, and though all are genuine from a parental point of view, there is little input regarding WHY this child has attitude towards you. If you stop and think of how this situation would affect you if you were the child, if your world was turned upside down by your parents splitting up, and THEN to boot, a new adult coming into the mix to keep the momentum of your chaotic life spinning... maybe you would react to the situation exactly as she has... maybe worse. There are factors unknown here of course to those of us answering your brief question, but there more than likely are factors unknown to you as well that come from deep within her, surfacing outwardly as attitude. If her "attitude" is plain disrespect and flat out rudeness, that stems from lack of discipline and parenting...leading one maybe to re-think bonding their life with someone lacking communication skills. If, however, there is attitude UNDERLYING her words, you may want to take time to put yourself in her shoes. Take a few days to ask yourself what kind of relationship you hope to one day have with her and your boyfriend - then work towards it with her fragile chaotic state in mind. It would mean the world to her to know that her feelings are worthy of some pondering, coming from a now grown-up girl who appreciated it emmensely. PS) My father's then girlfriend, now wife, is now my mentor... but it didn't start out that way. Good luck and keep the communication lines open.

I think jealousy is fear based, so if you can remember it is fear, not anger and also that she just doesn't have the skills to understand her behavior. If you don't react to her or acknowlege her bad behavior (keep a neutral facial expression and just keep on going without emotion), it may be way less fun for her. Don't mention it to her father either, because then she won't have power. Only pay attention to her good behavior.

Let me give my opinion on this matter as a stepchild (I'm 17 now but was 8 when my stepmum first came on the scene.) I appreciate this is an old post but there seam to be only answers from adults here, not children with steparents. At 13 (now 14/15?) you are just starting to become your own person. I know that the only person I will ever take commands from is my mum, occasionally my dad (And i'm not a real rebel or anything) I don't have a problem with having a stepmum, I prefer my parents devorced (saying that, my stepmum is honestly mentally unhinginged) However, When my stepmum tries to 'control' me, it annoys me no end (especially now i'm 17, and my mother treats my like an adult usually) If you want to gain the respect of your stepdaughter, then be her friend not a parent. Leave the disiplining to your boyfriend, talk to him if you have a problem. Don't try to ever make the kid do anything, treat her like an equal. It's a tough job being a steparent, but i'm sure you can eventually win hr round. Just treat her like any other person you know, don't presume just becasue you're older than her, or becasue you're dating her father, that you have automatic authority rights.

What's your attitude? Compassionate and understanding? Is there any chance that you are also jealous of her? Do you always show her respect and acknowledge that you are the intruder in the triad? How does your boyfriend react? Do you girls try to make him take sides? You can't win that game. If you want to make it long term I'd suggest that you determine to win her over, that's the only way that you will win in the long run.

Im in the same boat, except we have lived together for about 2 years and he has been divorced for 8 years (his ex-wife is remarried). His daugher is 20 yrs old and in the beginning would conversate with me and after my fiancee's younger teens (15, 13) lived with us during the school year things have changed. When the 20 yrs old calls, she doesn't say hi and asks, Can I speak to MY DADDY!! I have talked with my fiancee and told him that I thought it was rude (seeing that she is 20yr old) and he got really upset at me--he basically stated that she is not calling for me, but him. So I left it alone.....when his daughter calls (I have caller ID), I don't answer!!! Lately, she is having problems (doesn't want to work and/or go to College) and he wants her to live with us!!!!!????? I don't think so.....

Im dealing with the same.However my boyfriends daughter is 15.She refuses to even look at me let alone speak to me.We were very close until her father and I became exclusive in our relationship.She is not only disrespectful to me but very much so to her father refusing to answer when spoken to,very harsh language,& in my opinion has far to much freedom and control of what occures in the home.I have spoken to him regarding possible solutions & i feel he is only listening to be polite but wont implement any of my suggestions.I to care deeply for the man and want a future with him however i dont want it at the expense of being controlled by a 15yr old girl.I have raised 1 child and never faced anything so distressing in his 22ys that i have in the past year with this situation.I have never said a negitive word to this girl and have done and given more to her than my own neices and she is non apprecitive and disrespectful.Try to establish specific rules and conquenses when the rules are broken.praise when she does good things and pray she grows out of this stage quickly!!!

BRing it up with her father. She probably feels like you are replacing her mother.

I think more needs to be known. How long has your boyfriend been divorced? Every child is different and some need more time. My kids did not care for their step-mother (still don't but for other reasons) mainly because both their dad and her had been divorced less than a year. They felt that she was replacing me in a sense although they did not live with their dad.

I am in a very similar situation with my boyfriend and his 14-year-old daughter. I'm almost 100% certain that I'm going to get out of the relationship, probably this evening. I think men or women who have such insecure children shouldn't be in a serious relationship. I will be his third girlfriend to bail because of his daughter. I've managed to keep my 19- and 17-year-old children out of my dating life. They've met my boyfriend, but I don't think it's appropriate or necessary for them to spend a great deal of time with him. I'm dating him; they're not. When they have other plans, I see my boyfriend. In general, I don't think it's healthy for person after person to be brought in and out of a child's life. When the relationship gets to the point of engagement, then spending time together might make more sense. But until your children can handle you having a serious relationship with a significant other, you need to put your dating life on hold. I think you should move on and he shouldn't see anyone until his daughter becomes more mature and can act like a young lady.

Are you from Eaton Rapids?

Okay, I can try to give you her perspective because I used to do this when my dad was dating. I think she might feel like you are going to take her dad away from her. She's worried that he might start caring for you more than he cares for her. My advice would be to sit down with the both of them and try to talk it out. Don't start by saying how disrespectful the daughter is. Instead, try to explain how much you care for the both of them, and how you're confused as to why she is being this way... Talking it out with both of them will show her that you aren't trying to take her father away, and that you want to love them both! Explain it like that, and maybe she will understand. Good luck, and best wishes!

shes a child...you are an adult. Try and imagine what she must be going through...having to watch her dad date women who are not her mom. try having some sympathy for her.

A child at 13 typically becomes rebellious toward any authority figure or adult. This girl is testing out personalities, becoming her own person and trying to deal with a constant flow of hormones. She has lost her mother. She may see you as threat; if she were to lose her father to you, who else would she have left? She may see you as competition. You may want to sit and have a discussion with her that helps her feel like a peer. Let her know you understand you are not her mother, nor do you want to be. You don't intend on taking her father away from her; in fact, you want to enjoy the whole family. Let her know you understand she wants the best for her father and to see him happy, but this rift is making him unhappy and stressed. Suggest that perhaps you two can learn to be friends, that you like and respect her. She may walk away with the same attitude, but positive words, like negative words, tend to roll around the mind. Let it sit with her a while and you may notice a change. Try to include her in activities from time to time to reinforce her position in the family. Suggest to your boyfriend that he spend more father-daughter time with her. The reality is that this man comes with a child. If the relationship progresses, you will eventually have to deal with becoming a new family. Good luck in your efforts.

Ha-ha. kids suck. Lol. Yea she is young, but she knows perfectly well what she's doing. You just have to play her game. Dont tell your boyfriend what she is doing. Just let he mess up and show him herself. Be the "nice one" and let her be the bad one....just make sure that it is in front of your bf.

If you really care for this man stay but as for her she is only 13 and she is not jealous of you but of the relationship you and her dad has right now she don't think you care for her and she don't trust you before she can love you she needs to know you love her so until she feels that she can trust and love you she will keep testing you.

Its amazing to see how many people are dealing with this same issue! I think that you need to discuss this with your boyfriend first. He may tell you its not true, or its just a phase, but you have to make him see what you are experiencing. Once you get him to understand the situation, you can approach the girl but as someone else said above, be prepared for hostility- eye rolling, arms floded across the chest(a self protective/ closing down stance) a furrowed brow and possibly turning up the headset or any thing in the room making noise to drown you out. Do not be condescending or you will lose her. Tell her she is old enough and mature enough(even if she isnt - just to make her feel a bit better or more adult in this case) to have a normal adult conversation with you and you would like to do just that. Tell her first that you know she loves her dad very much and that maybe she feels she is gonna lose him but she wont. Tell her how you fell about her dad and that he means a lot to you. dont lie about anything because she will know when you are lying. If you can, have your boyfriend be nearby, hopefully listening in but hidden, so he can hear her responses. Make sure he knows he is not to butt in UNLESS it gets out of hand. He needs to see or hear his little girl when he is not around!

dump hum and have me

The answer is: you don't have to, you can take the easy way out and leave him; however, if you really care for him and the pros outweights the cons, then you have to voice your concerns to the father, let him deal with his daughter, if the problem persist, them have him take some parenting skill classes. As for you, there is really not much you can do but to be tolerant, be polite and kind to her, tell her that you care very much for both of them, and try to be her friend. Keep in mind that she is not going to be in the house forever, in 5 years she would probably go to college and move out, then you will have your boyfriend (or spouse by then) all to yourself. Also, try to find out what the girl likes and try to find some common ground, but be as tolerant as you can and let her father work with her.

My solution would be to befriend said daughter. Take her out for lunch one day and shopping. Sit her down and explain in a very nice way that you can be her best friend or her worst enemy - it is totally up to her, but if she chooses the later, she will have many years to put up with you because you aren't going to go away. And you can give it as good as you get it on the disrespecting thing. Explain that you don't want to be her momma, she already has a momma, but you can be her friend and as such, she can come to you with problems that she may not want to take to her momma and daddy. Be her confidant and if she reveals secrets to you in time, keep them a secret unless it is something that can harm her or others. Sometimes the best solution to a problem is the one least explored.

...teach her who you are by not reacting...; but, you'll have to be secure with yourself first or trying this will cause great strain....it sounds a bit like you're not so secure with yourself otherwise she wouldn't be getting to you like this... so, you might consider asking yourself why you care so much about this behavior...? hint: your answers cannot have anything to do with the 13 year old - and they cannot in any way assign blame to her; you want to look for answers that make you and you alone responsible for what you're perceiving....; this is you're way out.... when you've found and released your own nonsense, you'll naturally see the 13 yr old through a different lens....then you won't encounter this experience ever again...

Buy her concert tickets regularly. And drive her and her friends places. Spoil her. Be prepared to be resented for another 20 years, but make her feel very special.

Talk to her. Find out why she doesn't like you. Is it that she wouldn't like ANYONE her dad were to date? Does her mom say negative things about you? Does her dad spend less time with her because he's spending MORE time with you? Depending on what she says you may need to spend more time with just HER so she could get to know you, have you b/f have a conversation w/ the mom about not downtalking you to their daughter, or encouraging him to make time for his daughter. Good luck.

she is probably very jealous of you getting attention from her daddy. sometimes with teens, you need to just be patient and keep trying if you really love this man. he will have to talk with her.

There can be a few reasons to why she is acting like this towards you 1. She is jealous of the attention you are getting over her. If so try to tell your boyfriend, also be aware of her and "SHARE" your boyfriend. Canceling a date or something so he can spend a little time with his daughter will help a ton! 2. Her dad has basically put her on the back burner and she is taking it out on you... Not your fault, obviously the fathers fault. Hard to pinpoint that he is just a bad father but a few things can point to it(Bad Father). * spending 100% of his time with you over his daughter * him not speaking about his daugheter * dodging or just ignoring the needs & wants of his daughter 3. She is not ready to give you a parent roll (which you should really never want to assume). Don't try to be a parent try to be a helpful older friend. Kill her with kindness she will at the very least warm up a bit. 4. Her mother has passed away, she feels like her father is desrespecting her memory and you are intruding. Make sure that her father is spending alot of time with her. And like i said don't try to assume the mother role. 5. She is acting like a extension of her mother and inturn being aggresive to her fathers partners because. Her mother is jelous or just wants her father to be missarable and alone. (have no advice on this one sry) Anyways the point is most of the time it has less to do with you and more to deal with her parents just make sure she isn't getting ignored. Put yourself in her shoes (which is hard unless you've experinced this first hand). I wish you the best of luck and i hope this helped even if just a little :)

If you're not living with this man, there is very little you can do. All you really can do is talk to the child's father. If he really cares about you and what kind of child he's raising, he will demand she respect you and discipline her when she doesn't. If you get married or move in with this man you will be able to discipline her as well, but you MUST use the techniques of her father. I'm sorry to say it will get much worse before it gets better. She will not respond well to you trying to take charge, but YOU are the adult. Don't give in and don't give up and she will soon submit.