What would you do if a woman you work with and have been friends with is a racist?
We visited a museum today. She was displeased with a staff member and called him a little N (racial slur). I felt sick inside. I still have to see her. I'm stumped!
by 
gtravels loves her life penguin
ANSWERS: 6
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I am not friends with racists, and I feel strongly enough about racism that, in the event that a "friend" made a highly offensive, racist remark infront of me, it would be made clear that it was something I do not tolerate and that I felt it would be in my best interests that we no longer see each other. However, if you HAVE to see her - for example, at work, as you mentioned - there are plenty of ways you can distance yourself from her without being abrasive or blunt about it. Don't take lunch with her as much, find reasons to avoid her if you can, keep yourself busy so that she doesn't have the opportunity to pop over for a chat. She will, eventually, get the message. But, really, how far you want to go with it depends on how much you are willing to put up with from her. Good luck.
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You say she is your friend and that she was also "displeased." With these two extenuating factors, I'd give her a chance to explain her remarks. She may regret them. We've all said things we wish we could take back. Being a friend, Can you take this as a part of your whole experience with her and her past actions? A single, angry expression represents a small sample by which to judge a person. Calling a friend a "rascist" without further discussion may be a mistake. Have you ever spoken in anger? These are seldom our best moments.
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I'd let her know you didn't appreciate the comment. If she was just aggravated, it doesn't matter. She needs to know you have boundaries. She can have her own opinions, but need not expect you to have the same. You don't have to explain yourself to her. But, you do need to speak up for yourself so you will not have to go thru this again & can still be comfortable around her.
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The way I see it, there is no excuse that makes saying something like that acceptable. What I am not clear on is if she just said it to you or to him. Not that it makes a difference, the latter just makes me feel sicker inside than I already do and can imagine how you felt. I can't imagine that such a thing slipped and she has never said it or thought it before. You can accept it and continue being her friend and a pleasant co-worker. If she does it again (or if you feel inclined) just let her know how those types of slurs make you feel and ask her to kindly keep her comments on that topic to herself. Be pleasant (I know, easier said than done). If you can't stand the sight of her after this, you are going to have to find a way to co-exist peacefully with her at work. I'm sorry. That really is awful. Good luck.
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What a shock to the system you got! I think this is something that will crawl around beneath your skin unless you somehow address it with her. Let her know you need to speak to her privately, and be honest. "I was stunned that you said that and I was offended by it. Where did that come from?" What you are stuck with here is the ethical dilemma that silence implies consent. You don't consent. You don't need to attack her, but do try to draw her out on the subject. Maybe if she can see how ugly it really is, she can think about it. The world changes one person at a time. YOU can't change her, but maybe if someone she respects is honest with her about it, she can decide to herself. If she shrugs you off or becomes offended when you approach her about this, you may have lost a friend. But don't lose your self-respect.
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Not all N's are black, not all blacks are N's. If that is a word she uses for men, and B's are a word they use for women... then its just a bad habit and slim chance but may not be racist.
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