• Yes, bring it on.
  • There are poetry and writing sites you can go to for that
  • sure why not?
  • Something Wrong with Jonny By Mark Evan When they saw him for the first time, Derek and Kyle were sitting together on a school bench in front of the auditorium. Jonny was coming out of the cafeteria, his algebra book hugged tightly to his chest, black sunglasses perched on his pale-white face. He had very thick hair, black and greasy, slicked back across his forehead. His red sneakers glowed in the sunlight. He kept his head down, his face tight, like he fully expected to be slammed against a wall at any moment. Derek stared at him for a second and then let out a machine-gun burst of laughter. A chunk of ham from the sandwich he was eating shot out of his mouth. It skidded across the bench leaving a trail of dark yellow mustard. Stick-thin legs moving swiftly, Jonny began walking towards them. When Jonny was about five feet away from them, he halted and just stood there. Staring. "What dick?" Derek asked. His words were punctuated by Kyle's snide laughter. Jonny made odd moaning sounds. His lips pursed then trembled. "Jesus!" Kyle exclaimed. Derek flung the rest of his ham sandwich at Jonny. It sailed in the air and plopped onto the concrete in front of Jonny's red sneakers. Jonny, moaning even louder now, reached down and picked it up. Pinched between two fingers, he held it up. Wiggled it around. Derek and Kyle laughed again, wildly. As if looking for something, Jonny glanced around the school grounds nervously. After a moment, he squealed which made Derek and Kyle and the other kids around them stare with stunned looks on their faces. Finally, Jonny headed frantically over to the trash can beside one of the brass water fountains. He lifted the green lid and dropped the mangled sandwich inside. Derek and Kyle, both laughting still, shook their heads and watched him walk away. The school bell rang, signalling incarceration. Derek and Kyle snickered as they stood up from the bench. "That dude is beyond weird." "You're not kiddin'!" Kyle said. "I thought my mom was just being a bitch when she said he was creepy." "You're not kiddin'!" said Kyle for the second time. Derek had science and Kyle had math. Their classes were next to each other so they walked together along the corridor of the middle school. "You know what would be fun?" Derek asked. "Dumping his head in the restroom's toilet and flushing it?" Kyle asked. "No dummy. That would be boring. We should pretend to become his friends." "Oh," Kyle said. "And then get him alone and beat his ass or something." "That would be mean." "Yeah. No shit. I'm gonna ask him if he wants to see a movie with us on Saturday." They smiled at each other and went into their classrooms. After the final bell of the school day had rung and the kids had filed out of their classrooms, Derek saw Jonny again. He did not quite know how to approach him. He'd never been around someone so bizarre before. He decided to be direct and blunt. Jonny was bent over the brass fountain drinking greedily. "Jonny!" Derek said. Jonny flinched. He immediately looked like he expected a fist in the face... or, maybe a swift kick to the balls. "Jonny boy. How you doing?" Jonny's dark sunglassses were off. His light green eyes blinked rapidly at Derek. "I said, how are you?" Derek said this jovially and then patted him on the shoulder. Jonny blinked again and eyed him. "I'm sorry about throwing the sandwich at you today. I didn't mean nothin' by it." Jonny only stared. "I feel bad about it," Derek said. Jonny only stared. "Look. My name is Derek. My friend, that was Kyle. We want to treat you to a movie on Saturday." Jonny smiled. He seemed to like the idea just fine. "Good. Excellent. We'll come over Saturday and we'll walk to the theater from there. How about around four?" Jonny nodded fiercely. Derek walked away and was pleased until he realized that he didn't know where the nutcase lived. He turned around but Jonny was gone. Oh well. No problem. He would find out. One way or the other he would find out. This was too good of an idea to forget about because of a lack of knowledge. Much too good. Jonny stood gazing at the calendar on the wall in his room. His Father had given it to him for his birthday. As well as a CD player. It was a calendar of cars. Firebirds, Corvettes, Lamborghinis, Mustangs. It was November and the car for the month was a bright glossy red Mustang; next to it was a model with large heaving breasts in a black thong bikini. The blonde-haired young woman had her arms outstretched, introducing the car like a game-show hostess would a prize. He was pleased it had been his Father who had given the calendar to him. That showed his Father knew he was growing up. What he had noticed immediately was that the calendar gave him discipline, for every time he wrote some entry that had to be done on it, he would feel that he absolutely must accomplish it. Everything he wrote on it had to be done. No matter what. He didn't seem to have a choice. If it got close to midnight and he had not yet done what was written on the calendar for that day, he would get real nervous and sick (The same kind of feeling he felt today when that Derek kid threw the sandwich and it dropped in front of him. He had known that he had had to find a trashcan to deposit it in to feel comfortable again). He went to his desk that was littered with horror comics. Weird tales, Fangoria, Tales of Death and opened the bottom drawer. He grabbed the silver Parker pen that was meant only for the calendar. One time he had loaned the pen to his Mother so she could write a letter to his Grandma. He had become real tense as he waited for her to return it. He also picked up his reading glasses from the oak-dresser beside the desk and placed them on the bridge of his nose. He strolled back to the calendar excited. Saturday would be a wonderful day. He was going to see a movie (Which one? Any scary movies opening this weekend?) with Derek and Kyle on Saturday. And, maybe, just maybe, they would become his friends. He began writing on the calendar, pressing hard so that what he wrote wouldn't look faded at all. For Saturday, the 3rd, he wrote simply: Movies with friends Satisfied, he looked at what he had to do for the day (although he knew full well what is was). He must return his library books. Suddenly, Bonkers, his Persian cat, bolted into his room through his open door and leaped on top of his desk. She stared at him with eyes of gold, licking her paws with much pleasure. He walked over to her happily, thinking of how wonderful Saturday would be. As Derek and Kyle strolled down Archway Road on their way to Jonny's house, they talked about what they would do to him. Their plan was very simple. They would go to the movie, of course, and be all buddy buddy with him. Afterwards, when it was near dark and they were all walking along Carroll Street, they would pound him and pound him until their fists were tired and bloody. They were not afraid of getting into trouble. No one in town cared for or liked strange Jonny. They believed, if anything, that they might receive many fine comments and pats on the back for a job well done. So as they walked to Jonny's house, they were in a simply delightful mood. The prospect of serious ass-kicking always put them in just the right frame of mind. As they came around the corner of Archway and Flair, the boys saw Jonny waiting for them in front of his house. A garden of Tulips, Daffodils, and Roses led up to where he sat on the front porch chewing on a pepperoni stick. His jet black hair, now parted down the middle, flowed over his ears. He was dressed nice, too nice, as if he were going to a fancy play or something instead of just the movies. He seemed to be playing some kind of odd game with himself, stomping one foot on the ground in time with the other. Kyle slapped a hand to his mouth to keep from laughing. Derek gave him a very stern look. "Hi Jonny!" Derek said, reaching his hand out to be shook. "Hi Derek! Hi Kyle!" Jonny said, then winced. To Derek and Kyle the pitch of his voice sounded like a silly little girl's. They saw Jonny wipe the sweat from his palm onto his grey slacks. Jonny then stood up and shook their hands. Derek said, "We're gonna see an action flick. It's real intense. Hope you can handle it." "Sure I can," Jonny said, obviously relieved that he had his voice back. He then said, "You guys want to see my room?" "Sure," they both said in unison. Then Derek said, "Only for a minute or two though. Show starts soon." "Okay, okay, sure," Jonny said excitedly, "Follow me." Jonny's room was very neat and orderly. And surprisingly, normal. Immediately Derek noticed the calendar tacked to the wall beside a stereo and numerous CD's. "Holy Hell! Look at the tits on that girl!" Derek exclaimed. Kyle walked over to take a look. "Those are some big melons!" Jonny suddenly said and then felt heat inflame his face. Derek and Kyle laughed. Jonny realized they weren't laughing at him this time, but, instead, with him, so he laughed too. "Where are your parents?" Kyle asked him. "They went to the shooting range. My Mom didn't want to go but my Dad kind of forced her to." Derek and Kyle nodded. They knew how that sometimes went with parents. "Well, it's a cool room but I think we need to leave now," Derek said. Jonny made a face. "Okay. I just have to go to the bathroom first. I'll be right back." Jonny walked out and Derek said to Kyle, "Hey, go find me a pen. I'm gonna write something on his calendar." Kyle strode over to the desk, searched the top of it, moved magazines around, then opened the bottom drawer and took a silver pen out. He held it up, showing Derek, as if he had just found Britney Spears' home phone number. "Hurry up you goof," Derek whispered. "All right, all right, geeez," Kyle said. "And keep your stupid voice down." Kyle grinned wryly and slow-walked it over to Derek. He handed the pen out to him. Derek rolled his eyes and grabbed it from him. They heard the flush of the toilet as Derek quickly scribbled an entry for Monday, the 5th: Strip naked in front of Amy Mills Derek and Kyle thought that was a mighty fine joke. Soon after Jonny had gotten up from his seat at the theater to get everyone their snacks, Derek and Kyle agreed they wouldn't beat him up after all. It was a startling change of mind on both their parts. There was actually a strong possibility of friendship here. They could talk with him about all sorts of stuff: cars, sports, movies, girls, and he could respond for the most part like one of the guys. So, by the time the movie had ended, they realized -- although certainly sometimes very odd -- he wasn't really a creep after all. Now, as they walked up Archway Road, they laughed and threw dirt clods at one another in the near darkness. When they reached Jonny's house, they said their goodbyes and watched Jonny cheerfully walk up the steps. And Derek and Kyle forgot all about what Derek wrote on the calendar. Until Monday. Then, as they walked in the parking lot of the school on their way home, little Julie Simpson approached them. Her face looked pinched and her dark blue eyes wild. "Oh man! Did you guys hear about what that weirdo Jonny did?!" she panted. "No. What happened?" Kyle asked. "He took off all his clothes in front of that stuck-up girl, you know, Amy Mills? It was so funny! We were all coming out of the locker room headed to the basketball courts when he ran up to Amy and started undoing his pants! He got all the way to his boxer shorts and his ugly ass red shoes before she ran away! Some of the girls actually stood there and watched! How sick!" With her tongue lolling out her mouth she stared up at them and waited for their reactions. Now that she had told her story, her face seemed relaxed (or at least as relaxed as Derek and Kyle thought her face could ever be). "Oh Jesus!" Kyle said. "Oh no!" Derek then said, slapping a hand to his forehead. After a moment, little Julie seemed satisfied by their reactions and Derek and Kyle watched her run away (presumably to find someone else to spread the news to). Kyle socked Derek lightly on the arm."You fool! " He said but then could only laugh. "It's not funny," Derek said, and then laughed. " I can't believe he actually did it." "Me either. What the fuck," Derek said. Jonny had never been in any serious trouble at school before, but, considering how disturbing it was, the principal, Mr. Hartlet, suspended him for the rest of the week. And, Jonny's Mother, after a chat with Mr. Hartlet inside his office, said she and her husband would find out what possibly could have been going through their son's head. And then straighten him out. But good. Jonny cried in the car as his Mother silently drove him home. He was mortified at what he had done and he wanted to tell his Mother that it wasn't all his fault, and, that Derek or Kyle had written it for him to do on the calendar. And that he couldn't stop himself. And that he didn't know why but everything (no matter what) written on the calendar (any activity, any chore) had to be done. At the stroke of midnight, if everything on the calendar for whichever day was not done, he somehow, insanely, knew he would surely die. Derek tried to call Jonny several times but with no answer. On the last call he made, Jonny's Father simply told him that Jonny wasn't receiving any calls at the moment, but, that he would call him back when he could. When Derek finally did receive a call from Jonny on Saturday, the voice on the other end of the line was flat and cold. "Derek, I need you and Kyle to meet me at the field of the school tonight at around eleven okay?" Jonny's voice was direct and lacked any changes in pitch. A monotone. "I'm sorry about what I wrote on the calendar, Jonny. I really am. But why did you actually do it? It was only a joke!" "Don't worry about it, Derek. Just make sure you and Kyle are there tonight, "Jonny said. "All right. We'll be there. But what is this is all about? Are you in trouble or something?" "I can't tell you. Just be there. Please!" Derek heard the line go dead. He set the handset back down on the cradle, thought for a moment, picked it back up, and then punched in Kyle's digits. When Derek and Kyle passed the library of the school it was ten minutes to eleven. Kyle was grumbling. He did not want his parents to find out he had snuck out of the house. He was already grounded for a month for sneaking one of his Father's old 1970's porno movies into his room and watching it. It had been a good one... but still... "I can't believe I'm at school and on a fucking Saturday night!" Kyle said. "I know. I know. Stop whining though. It must be important. I think Jonny is in trouble with something and needs our help," Derek said. "It better be important because it's weird being here at night." The air was warm. Humid. The only illumination was provided by the dim flickering lights of the school and the moon in its third quarter. They turned and began walking up toward the field now. They could see Jonny. They both walked faster. As they reached him, they saw the glimmer of tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry," Jonny told them. His face was a grimace of sorrow. Derek looked at Kyle. Kyle looked at Derek. "What are you sorry for?" Derek asked. "We won't get busted for coming here." "You don't understand guys. I... am... sorry." Jonny was crying harder now. The boys could only stare at him. "I couldn't stop myself. I was so embarrassed," Jonny continued. "Don't worry about it." Derek tried to say this reassuringly, still wondering what Jonny was sorry for. ""No," Jonny said. "I couldn't stop. I'm sorry." "What the fuck are you talking about, Jonny?" Derek asked, not unkindly. "Damnit Jonny, tell us what you are sorry for," Kyle said. "I wrote something very, very bad on the calendar. I'm sorry. I was angry at you guys. I'm sorry." Derek and Kyle watched as Jonny pulled something out from the waistband of his trousers. It glinted in the dim lights of the field. Shooting range, Kyle thought crazily. He then turned and ran frantically but only got three feet before he heard the terrible crack of the shot and felt the bullet slam into his back. He was propelled forward and landed in a heap on the wet grass. Derek just stood there. His mouth would not open. He was trembling. His legs would not move. The second shot thundered through the night and took off the top of his head. Blood and brains sprayed up, up, up in a wide cloud. His knees buckled under him and he fell to the ground. Jonny stared at his watch. It was an hour before a new day would begin. The End
  • wow i don't know what to say WOW this is beyond good!
  • That was brilliant! I was hooked. Have you written anything else?
  • Hidy HO! I did a copy and paste to Microsoft I could go over this...Good story plot! Nice surprising twists! Feel free to e-mail me back with any questions you have. I wasn't sure what type of critique you wanted here, so I gave it a full on proofing. Thanks for the chance to give back, I've sure relied upon some excellent help and hope I've paid back in kind.
  • That was dark and rather nasty close to something Id imagine Roald Dahl would write. I enjoyed it :) - That's a lot coming from me since Im very picky with short stories.
  • I read it, and then re-read it!!! I'm very disapointed!! I wanted to keep reading!!!!! Why did you stop? I WANT MORE!!!!! What happened the next day? Where did that calender come from? Who are his parents, what about the teachers? I thought, "This is really good" And it's not like anything else. You have imagination, a wonderful way to use it!!!! :) When will the next chapter come out?
  • I enjoyed your story. I think you have talent and a great imagnation. I have a couple of comments/questions: I think you should change Jonny's name. Jonny is overused. 4th paragraph: '"What dick?" Derek asked.' I don't understand why he asks that. And why is Jonny making moaning sounds? I like the way you paint the mental picture of Jonny. Pale, black hair, ligh green eyes. That's very original. I don't understand why Kyle and Derek go to Jonny's house for the first time and unwittingly just decide to write on his calendar. I think you need to justify that. Don't forget to dedicate this story "To my Sugar Butt, Meow" when it gets published. ; )
  • I really liked how much detail you put into your story... I'm a "visual-reader" and need lots of details to enjoy a story! You did extremely well! I loved the twist at the ending... he wrote it on the calendar, so he has to do it... wow! Absolutely amazing!!! ^_^
  • As long as my cat doesn't push me off the bed, I'll be fine! Hahahaha!
  • That was very disturbing, but very good. Kind of Twilight Zone like. You're a good writer. (is this really related to the personal and horrible thing you want to tell about yourself or are you just trying to freak us out?)
  • Everyone seems to love it, but I feel the need to be critical. I certainly don't mean to sound like a bitter English teacher, but I felt that the characters were all... well, cliche. Derek, Kyle and Johnny all feel like cardboard cut outs I've seen before and the dialogue (never easy to write, I know) doesn't feel natural. "No dummy. That would be boring. We should pretend to become his friends", for example. Teenagers don't call each other dummies. Also, more care needs to be taken to explain why Johnny feels so compelled to obey his calendar, even when doing so clearly makes no sense. That's my honest opinion. The only way to become a better writer is to write more, so keep at it.
  • A good read Killdrphil. I was hooked and surprised. I'd expected Jonny to be mullered and ridiculed by Derek and Kyle - but Jonny's need to do everything by the letter certainly came up with a good ending; brutal but a kind of poetic justice, although Derek and Kyle would not have learned by their mistakes - they took them to the grave! I enjoyed this, I like murder mystery genre. Me2write
  • Awesome story phil - well done!!! I really liked it and thought the end was great.
  • I actually really liked that. Good job. :)
  • I read till the end. I think you did a very good job, KDR. I was able to picture the scenes you presented in my head and think about the story as a whole. I think it explains itself really well. I also think the story is really sad, though. I want to know what happens to Jonny afterwards. Does he get in even more trouble, and if he does, does he get in trouble with the law? Does he ever end up killing himself because of the guilt? What becomes of Jonny? How about the funeral for Derek and Kyle? Do people say they are the nicest boys ever at the funeral and paint them as the victims? Do people paint Jonny as the enemy? The one who planned the whole thing? The one who was never provoked? What did all of their parents think about the whole situation? Did anyone ever find out Jonny was the murderer? If so, did Jonny's parents get along with Kyle's and Derek's parents? What became of the whole thing? Did any of them keep diaries that their parents later found or is that a thing for sissies to them?
  • I liked the story a lot. You nailed Jonny's OCD tendancies great and he was a beliveable character. I didn't think Derek and Kyle were quite as beliveable. How you presented them at the beginning of the story doesn't match up with their decision to become Jonny's friend. The boys' dialogue didn't sound quite right to me either, but then again I was never a 13 year old boy so you I would take this critisim with a grain of salt if I were you. I do have 1 suggestion for you: I would spell Jonny's name with an 'h'. Spelling the name Johnny is just a personal preference for me because I don't like weirdly spelled names. Maybe I have a touch of OCD myself where grammar and spelling are concerned :) I hope this was helpful and that you aren't offended.
  • Wow, KDP that's awesome!! You really have some talent, I very much enjoyed the story :)
  • Hmm. I thought there was a little too much visual detail for a short story. And I would have preferred a stronger hook early on. [instead of all that somewhat repetitious detail] But the idea was great and otherwise well executed. Keep up the good work.
  • Sure, as long as it rivals that of Washington Irving. (grabs soda and monocle)
  • I'm a professional writer so I don't want to break you down. It's pretty good, but you should really get deep in there and edit the sentence structure. And, seriously, teens don't say "No kidding".
  • I loved the story line and OCD type concept of powerless compulsion. I also liked the ending. But I think the dialogue could somehow be improved as it doesn't quite reflect the quality of the rest of the writing. Great work though!

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