"I saw Dane Cook live last night and it was so funny." THAT is a good joke.

mine is the "bk lounge" yea i work over at the bk lounge...can we get in? .....not w/o coops, not w/o coops baby......well my brother got me the job, he was the maneger, you'd figure it'd be cool working w/ my big bro and all but he was a dick! he thought he was the burger king!....he'd hav me on drive through every night, why do ppl insist on yelling at the drive through? u kno it's mottern tenchnology i'd be there w/ my lil headset "welcome to burgerking may i take ur order?"......"WHOPPER NOOO ONION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ......"escuse me chubaca, im bleeding from the ears can u keep it down?" lol it didnt bother me asmotch when ppl screamed it when they wouldnt tlk loud enough....id be there lyk "elcome to burgerking may i take ur order?"......."pickles......pickeles, ......bunsseds no bunseeds.....and the pickles......and the pickeles....cheese.......pickles......ice......." "ok mam apparently u want some pickles....r u trying 2 molest me via drive thru what r u saying?!"......"chicken tenders.....w/ sweet sause all over my body!"...........".....ok mam...some 1 get some sause now! now! she wants it her way!!!!!" lol then there was this 1 time i'll never 4get this i just told this lady...."ok mam that'll be $3.95, drive around".....there was like this long pause and she was like "........where do i go?" "where do u go?! u follow the only road ur on 2 me!!!! no mam ur going 2 go on 97th make a left on the turnpike go to the gas station, there there will be a man in a yellow pancho his name is hank! folow him he'll take u 2 the whopper layer... thats where u go...and u've got 10 min 2 get there or we take ur food!" lmmfao! and that's only 1 of my many fave dane cook jokes there r many more where that came from!

i cant say i like only one...but can i ask you one question?...WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT AND LET ME HIT YOU DOING 80?! we love car accidents in this country...oh crap! that sounded like it was going to hit!! f*** shoes!!!! shoes!? yea, ill bring my dish in as exhibit A!!! you were in the basement? he was in his living room, i was in the kitchen washing a dish! even if i was blind i would know that this was horribly damaged by the way it FEELS!!you got a 20-digit phone number going on here, pal! come on! check out this motherflipper! check out this motherflipper!! uummmm, hello!! uh, hi....if ur asian, it would go like "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! oh, thats nice!!!" M.F.C!!? is thta ur name sir? M.F.C?! why did i just give myslef that wierd mexican accent? JIMMY, YOU DO NOT FLOAT ABOVE ME WHILE IM DROWNING IN THE ABBYS!!! john, ur kid here tried to drown me! DON'T TOUCH ME U DRINK!! DO NOT TOUCH ME, YOU GIANT BEVERAGE!!!!pickles......and the pickles......pickles.......pickles...and the cheese.....and the pickles.......no bun seeds...and......what do you want?....no......pickles....pickles...pickles.....WHOPPER NO ONION!!!!!! where do i go? where do u go? you follow the only road there is to me! well, you go 5 miles west and turn on the turnpike and go to the nearest Texaco station..ask for a guy named Hank, he'll take you to the whopper lair..oh,and you have 10 mins to get there or we take ur food! do you want me to rub some honey on your thighs? look at a picture of a swan, it's soothing! go swallow a knife, i hate you! God bless you!!! nothing happens when you die! oh, i will tell you what happens when i die...first, i will become one with the planet, then i will become fertilizer for the earth and then take my part as a huge tree...oh, yea? well i hope that one day, while ur enjoying all ur treeness, a big sweaty guy comes along and cuts you down and turns you into paper and and then...PRINTS THE BIBLE ON YOU!!!.....TIRES CANNOT DEFEAT ME!!! how did mary die? a tire hit her in the FACE!!!!!wat was she doing putting tires near her face? no, no, no..this tire hunted mary down, this tire MURDERED mary! by a round of applause, how are you all doing tonight? I AM UR SON IM FROM THE FUTURE..IM FORM THE FUTURE, IM UR SON!!!ahhhhhhhhh!!!start your day off the holy way with Christ chex! good morning, sunshine life is beautiful peace be with you! and also with you!!! lol..i think thats about it..maybe not, lol!

My favourite definitely has to be that one where he says something that isn't really that funny, but he kinda yells it loudly enough that maybe you think it is. Or wait, I forget, is that every Dane Cook joke? ;D

I love the "first blowjob" skit. I dunno, something about the shockingly true realization about all of it is what I love. It gets me to this day. :] I love Dane Cook.

every one

my #1 favorite dane cook joke ever is when "The koolaid guy comes crashing through the fucking wall"

ONE OF THE BEST IS DEFINETELY I THINK ABOUT HAVING 19 KIDS. NAMING THEM THAT WILL BE EXCITING ITS KIND OF LIKE A GAME. I ALREADY HAVE THE FIRST NAME BOY OR GIRL I DONT CARE THE FIRST ONE IS GUNNNA BE THRRR. ITS FEMININE BUT STRONG AT THE SAME TIME. TIME FOR BED THRRR, I SAID TIME FOR BED THRRR. NO COOKIES THRRRR!!! IM GUNNA NAME ANOTHER BUNCH OF MY KIDS AFTER MY FAV. CARTOON, TRANSFORMERS. OH YEAH JUST BE LIKE OPTIMUS PRIME COME HERE FOR A MINUTE. YOU HAVE A SIT HERE NEXT TO MEGATRON WERE GUNNA HAVE A LITTLE CHIT CHAT .... I AM THE COBRA COMANDER IN THIS....THRRRRR I SAID NO COOKIES!!!!!!!! THRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! THIS FUCKING THRRRR IS DRIVING ME UP A FUCKING WALL THRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the burger king bit "and the pickles...and the pickleeesss...." "chicken tenders and sweet sauce all over my body...."hahahaha!!!

my fav joke is the B:E when i was 18 i always wanted to be a criminal and do a B:E no not bacon and eggs i can do that all day thats F****** delicuos no i wanted to do a breaking and entering so i called up my friend and said lets do a breakin and entering and he said "no lets just stay home and play a nice boardgame" and i said "no lets do something exciting and do a boardgame later" so he drives to my house the following day its like 10:00 at night so we see a house and we park like 16 blocks away i dont know any 1 that parks 16 blocks away for a B:E well so i walk up to the house and my friends says lets not do this i dont want to so i run and boom i kick open the door and at that moment i realise i dident want to do a B:E i wanted to kick open a door so i turn to the hallway losent and boom i kick that open and i run putside to the can and said "lets go go go" and the next day i hid out at the across the street and saw the family walk up at that moment the dad acts all brave and say wait let me go first and when he goes in and says it all good come in about 3 weeks later i bet you that that dad is like what did he take! and tries to turn on the t.v and it dosent work os he yell i bet you he took the batteries and he had to replace the door so i should of walked up every time he replaced the door just kicked it down again until he replaces it with hippy beads and i walk up and go ppphhhhh swish and just pull all the beads off and run and watch when he comes back and he say " why there beads beads dude beads!".....

The Q When Dane compares Nestle Quick to Speed. "When I was a kid I always thought there was some kind of connection(repeats connection) between speed and Nestle Quick. Y'know speed, quick, speed, quick." Then he says something about riding is Big Wheel all strung out on The Q.

I've only seen one of his stand-up routines on comedy central, and I loved the part where he talked about the difference between how men and women fight in relationships. How a man knows he's in trouble when she stands with one leg locked at her side and starts agreeing with everything you say. :-)

i laughed so hard when i heard 'speak and spell'. 'play with me'....