ANSWERS: 20
  • Here it is: My mother is very abusive emotionally to me. She lies to me all the time and tells me that I am nothing. She makes promises that she breaks 95% of the time. Last week was one of those broken promises and I got very upset. My grandmother was sick but I was told she was doing good and was about to come home from the hospital. I have not talked to my mom in over a week cause I am tired of the broken promises and abuse. This morning she calls in tears and gives me a guilt trip "you haven't even called and checked on your grandma and now she's in a coma and about to die and you don't even care". I feel I can't win no matter what I do. Can someone tell me how I am supposed to feel. It's now my fault that my grandma is about to die. Everything seems to be my fault. I have major depression and I have enough guilt. What do I do?
  • Talk to her face to face. Be brave,you're at the right side. Just be a bit careful about the words that you will say.
  • first off you can tell your mother that you didn't see your grandmother because you were told by a lying conniving bitch that she was better and coming home and if i were you i would just cut ties with my mother if she was doing things like that, you don't treat your children like scum they are to loved, nurtured, and cherished
  • you need to tell her how you feel! is there anyone else in the family you can talk to to get updates about your grandmother?
  • You really need to sit down with your mother and tell her how you feel about her lying to you and keeping things from you.
  • This is a difficult situation and I've been through it myself as have many people. There are stories like the "ugly duckling" that you can probably relate to. In that story a baby swan feels unloved by its mother and siblings and out of place because its egg got mixed up into a duck's nest, it WAS out of place. You have to find your own life and realize it apart from your feelings of need for a loving mother that your mother can't be. Find your inner strength, your inner artist, your inner chef, your inner mother, and be BIGGER than your mother, who is clearly petty, insecure and needy; once you get there, you'll find that you are the one actually in control, you can visit your mother or grandmother whenever, but only because YOU want to, when YOU want to; but you will have achieved living for yourself, not feeling guilty or hurt by what someone else did or did not do for you.
  • Not your fault at any hand if the things you wrote are absolutely correct. Just the thing you can do is to look after your grandma till she lives and NEVER ever again trust your mother!
  • OMG hunny it is FAR from your fault your grandma isnt well! Phone the hospital yourself, that way you dont need to contact your mam. You know she breaks promises so never take them serious until she does keep it. You dont deserve the crap shes putting you through
  • I am in almost the same situation Scrappy. My parents are also abusive. And when my grandfather had a stroke and was about to die, it immediately became my fault. Here's what I did with my grandfather... I went to the hospital on my own to see my grandfather and check in on him. I did not involve my parents in this decision. As for what I did with my parents... I went up to them and told them what they were doing to me and how it was making me feel. I was lucky, and they have been trying their best not be abusive to me. But if you are not that lucky and she continues to be abusive, you need to stop associating with her. It is only hurting you. Once you completely stop contact with her, she might realize how serious this is, and try to mend things. But until she realizes what she has done, you need to stay away from her. (I am assuming you are not a teenager like me, and that you have the ability to stay away from her)
  • Seems like your Mother is on a guilt trip trying to place the blame on you. Sometimes, growing up can be painful and confusing. Especially when you have no one to consult. I say, do the best you can, you know that your Mother lies a lot, so just look at it another way, like that's who she is. She may not be perfect in some ways, but I'm sure your Mother loves you. Sometimes people just get caught up with themselves or lives which sometimes carries a lot of pressure in raising a family. Remember, she and your dad has a lot of responsibilities, rent, food, clothes, utility bills, other bills. All of that sometimes takes a toll on parents. Now your Grand Mother is in a coma, which is her Mother, so she is really feeling the weight of everything coming down on her. So sometimes you have to understand that besides you, she has a mountain of other responsibilities, and sometimes, they forget about the things they dearly love. So in the time of sickness of your grandmother, try to be a little understanding and give your mom a genuine big hug, and sometimes they realize how good that used to feel and maybe things will work out. Good luck to you and Stay Strong for the family.
  • There are times when it is better to sever the relationship and keep your sanity, than continue to be abused. Your mother sounds like an angry woman. Is there a nurse or doctor at the hospital that could keep you posted on your grandmother? Good luck.
  • It’s really very simple, stop having contact with your mother unless it’s an emergency! You know this isn't your fault, you cant help it if your mothers a nasty piece of work, & you are not alone, there are many, many terrible parents who only hinder their children’s development. With people like this the only sensible action is self-protection.
  • #1 - you are listening to her and letting it get to you. #2 - you have your own life. #3 - you have to do what you think is best for YOU. #4 - if grandma is going to die, she will die whether you're there or not.
  • i used to have the same with mine!!! as soon as you REALIZE "YOU" ALLOW her to treat u this way....u can handle this evil,negative,selfish FEMAL (not a mom,REAL MOM'S OR WOMEN DO NOT DO THIS)they do not deserve the RESPECT from anyone to be called woman ,mother and probably even wife.... i was about 26, when i said ,"that's enough", i CUT TIES, i was not ugly in any way(refused to be the kind of nasty,selfrighteous ,negative,cynical, controlling FEMALE she was) i refused have such a negative ferson in my life and my children's and husbands lives...these kind ,male or female, bring NOTHING TO OTHERS and this is exactly where we have to understand ,"BLOOD IS NOT THICKER THAN WATER"...it takes a whole lot more than BLOOD and ability to give birth to make a male a MAN and a female a WOMAN.... my family called, "she is still ur mother" is all i heard ..but i just replied, "i know this,duh, i wish her no harm and nothing but the best,i will not be rude and decent always, but i just am not gonna put up with negative ,cynical, unhealthy WAYS anymore and i refuse to subject my family to such...and if i thought talking would fix it ,i d been doing it all long..but it would not, her kind SEE NO SELF WRONG, therefore it would be useless and damaging to continue, the only one who can fix her,is her...and until she herself saw HERSELF , she'd never change"...that was the best thing i ever did ,for myself and family and my other siblings but most importantly ,FOR HER....3 yrs. later, she started realizing ,seeing herself and changing herself...we share the best relationship u could possibly want for a mother and daughter now.....she thinks and looks at herself with all of now...she has our respect because she has earned..she humbled herself, became more selfless, ...... u have nothing to be ashamed of...even if she never turns around , it is more healthy for u to get the NEGATIVE out of your life...that's anyone, not just a parent....... desperate calls for Dr. Laura.....she would tell u the same....this woman is evil and negative....good book, Bad CHILHOOD, Good life..she wrote it cause she too had selfish people that brought her into this world...when u become a parent , u become selfless , which most do not experience that MODE today..they remain in their ME<ME<ME...1st and foremost, not their spouse and children...... call her, she will help, she is direct and to the point ...but she is world renowned for her FAMILY oriented psychology and especially to children ...she abhors what parents do their kids these days out of their SELFISHNESS... but the first thing she will say is, cut ties, u don't need it and u are not wrong.... the first thing ur mother will do: try to keep u away from ur grandmother and turn everybody against u...if they are that small and shallow of people ,u don't need them either...just don't fight,argue or cry...just make up ur mind and "DO THE RIGHT THING"... SHE IS "SICK" AND "EVIL"... BE STRONG AND IF U NEED ME ,I WILL HELP AND SUPPORT ALL I CAN.....but DR. Laura can help u more....she has a daily show on radio that millions call and she has an awesome website.....JustMe..):
  • Scrappy, dear Scrappy, my heart aches for you, knowing that you have had to endure this treatment, likely for many, many years. It's obvious your Mom has problems. If you will look carefully, she probably has problems with not only you, but many others, as well...although you, a possible negative thinker, may not recognize the others she abused/abuses in similar ways. Many may have already cut her off. She may treat you worse, because she knows she can "get to you" more easily than the others. When speaking to her, you always need to look ahead. That is, you need to anticipate where things might go. For example, when she told you that your Grandmom was ill and in the hospital, you should have expressed you sadness...BUT called the hospital every day, told them who you were and asked about her status. They won't give you a lot of information, but they will generally tell you how she's doing. By doing so, when your Mom accused you of "not caring", you'd be in the position to tell her she was wrong, saying "You're wrong...again...I called the hospital every single day!" That's only one example. Your Mom likes to put you on the defensive with just about everything. It's like a "sport" with her. Trust me, she's looking down the road every time she speaks to you. That's why I urge YOU to look ahead and anticpate where she's heading with every conversation you have with her. I know that's rough...and would be needless in most every "normal" situation. I doubt that your relationship with her, or hers with you, will likely improve unless you take the reins of yourself. So, finally, at some point, for your own long-term well-being, you're going to have to say something like the following: "Mom, I've come to the realization that you really don't much like me. I've never understood why, but I'm convinced that that's the case. It's OK. I still love you. But, for my own good, and yours, I think I've got to minimize our future contacts. I love you." Don't get into a disrespectful argument over it...and that's what she'll try to do with a "What do you mean?!?". Don't let her put you into that position. End the discussion...and, in the future, minimize the contact...to her and from her. Otherwise, she'll continue to drag you down. If it's OK with you --that is, if you wouldn't be offended-- I'll say a prayer for you this evening, Scrappy. You deserve to be happy in life, not saddened or depressed...and if you take control, that happiness is still very possible. +5 and another +6...now, doesn't that make you feel better? :-) In friendship, ChuckExAnon.
  • It sounds like your mother, and mine should get together and go bowling. You need to protect your mental health. If you suffer from depression, and your family is at it's root, you may need to consider cutting them loose. You have to be strong as hell to do it. The fact is, if the only support you have is from anywhere but them, then use your support network, and let them go. Don't feed into their dysfunction, free yourself. There are times that you will find it hurts that your mother is too selfish to care about anything but herself, but remember, she is fucked in the head. Don't let hewr mental problems ruin your life, and outlook. Cry when you need to cry, laugh whenever you can, and do yyour best to find joy in the simplest of things. Peace.
  • I think our moms are twins. You do not have the power, to control your Grandmothers health, last time I checked you werent God. :-) *You could say that to your Mother* I told my mother off, and refused to allow her to treat me that way anymore, I am a grown woman, I dont need the approval of my mommy anymore, I wanted very badly for her to wake up one day and realize I am a good person, but I had to realize that she is what she is, and she isnt going to change, I cant make her love me, and I refuse to try anymore. Your Mother is manipulative and trying to control you. Scrappy take a stand for yourself, you will feel much better, more in control of yourself, dont give her the power to do this to you anymore.
  • You need realize it is your mom who is not emotionally stable, not you. She is manipulating you but you are allowing her. This is a pattern in how the two of you interact and it needs to be broken. You must sit down with your mom and explain to her that you will no longer allow her to pass guilt on to you. You must tell her that the minute she says something along those lines you will leave, hang up the phone or otherwise remove yourself from the dialogue. You must do this consistently not once allowing her to make those statements and you remain to hear it. This might be very difficult but you need to remain true to your words. Expect her to try every trick in the book, she will have plenty because she has had lots of practice. This does work, it is a type of behavior modification, the key will be staying consistent. Good luck.
  • You cannot control other people nor what they say or do. The only person in this entire world that you can control is yourself. You know that she lies...stop believing her! There is an old saying..."Slap me once, shame on you! Slap me twice, shame on me." When someone does you wrong, just don't let yourself be put in that situation again. And, as far as the guilt trips, well, it's your mother so you can't tell her to stuff it...well, you could but that's not nice...so, just tell her that if she wants to continue having a relationship with you she has to stop. If she doesn't, just don't communicate with her. You have to take care of yourself or you are no good to anyone else anyhow. She's just playing on your good heart.
  • Hi Scrappy, Many other people have given excellent answers, so I will try not to repeat what they said. But let me add this....It is possible to LOVE your Mom (because she is your Mom), but NOT LIKE your Mom, because she is a mean, abusive, manipulative person. I have a brother and a sister. All 3 of us DISLIKE our mother. We still see her from time to time out of a sense of duty and the hope that she will reform her ways. But we SEVERELY limit our contact with her, and when she strays into very harmful territory (such as your Mom is doing), we cut off contact with her. As for your mother's 'guilt trips'....YOU OWE HER NOTHING! I repeat....YOU OWE HER NOTHING! In the excellent film, "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner", the Sidney Poitier character (John) explains that to his father in a most eloquent way... ------------------------------------------------------------ John: You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad, you don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life you will never understand. You are 30 years older than I am. You and your whole lousy generation believes the way it was for you is the way it's got to be. And not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the dead weight of you be off our backs! You understand, you've got to get off my back! Dad... Dad, you're my father. I'm your son. I love you. I always have and I always will. But you think of yourself as a colored man. I think of myself as a man. --------------------------------------------------------- So, be strong and take care of yourself Scrappy. I know it's hard to push away a parent, but we sometimes have to do it for our own good. Good luck. . . .

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