Being part of a divided family is very difficult, and especially if there is a special-needs child involved. I think having a key to your house is a bit far, but if that arrangement works for you, that is good. If you want something changed with the arrangement, you should talk to the people involved. There some good articles with guidelines that might help you in the "how to Articles" section at the bottom of this page. Click on the link, then type "visitation" in the search box and browse through the articles.

You know, in today's day and age where so many families end in ugly divorce and with such hate filled spite and malice; where often one parent is often hatefully ousted from their children's care and upbringing; or kids are used as footballs in the game of one-upmanship with ex-spouses, I really have one thing to say about this: God bless the divorced people who care enough about the children to take care of them. Imagine that: two adults who decided, for whatever reason, to get a divorce and STILL place their child's care above their own differences. I'd say that perhaps you have found a rare gem in your wife and her situation. And as for how YOU may feel about this, I've one thing to say: remember that YOU knew she was divorced and had a child with special needs BEFORE you married her. This means you should have been aware of the possibilities that she still had prior commitments that she was honor bound to see to. Her marriage to you didn't absolve her of those responsibilities. You and she need to figure out how to handle these. I'm thinking a key to the house is a bit much, but that is for you and your wife to work out.

He's her father. He should have a lot of contact with her regardless of whether she's special needs or not, and not just in emergencies. The question is, does your wife need to be there too? I think it's reasonable to expect they will get together on her daughter's birthday (you should be there too, IMO -- you're part of the family)... but other than that I don't think there's any real reason to be doing things like going on holiday together, do you go too? Personally it's not something I'd be comfortable with in a relationship, but then I doubt I'd marry someone who already had children. Moreover, I'd be livid if my partner gave his ex a key to the house without talking to me about if first (child or no child). Didn't you know it was like this when you married your wife? I would suggest discussing these issues with your wife, bring up each thing you're uncomfortable with (such as the ex having a key to your house). Maybe she'll concede and modify the relationship a bit, if she won't you'll probably have to make a choice: stay and live with the situation as it is or leave.

There should be some boundaries. Did your wife had trouble setting boundaries during their marriage? If so, you can bet that it's a problem now. In addition to the key to the house, his going on vacation with you is a bit much, too. He is extended family in your household, as I see it. As long as everyone gets along, there is no reason to not include him in some family functions. He should absolutely be included in doctor visits and school functions. However, this is no different than a close family member as far as the rest goes. It's important to know that every family has different idiosyncrasies. At my mother's side of the family Thanksgiving weekends, my half-siblings of my dad's and my dad's brother and his adult children come. We also have my sister's bio-daughter and her adoptive family come that weekend as well. We rent a lodge for two nights. Everyone stays the weekend, sleeping, eating, and whatever together. Most people would find that odd. However, it's quite comfortable for all of us. Being different is fine. AS LONG AS everyone is comfortable with it.