My parents are racist and know I've been talking to a black guy recently. What they don't know is that we decided to start dating. I know I'd be kicked out if they found out, but I don't like hiding it like I'm ashamed. It's unfair to him. What to do?

You are not your parents. You don't need to have the exact same beliefs as them. You have nothing to be ashamed for.

As for your moral dilemma.
It's up to you.

Sometimes you have to minimize pain. Do what hurts the least amount of people, the least amount.

I am divorced now from an interracial relationship. I can tell you that the problems are more widespread that what advice you have been given. I am black, she is white and we have 2 kids. Her Dad threatened to kill the nigger if she did not dump him. She was banned from her family (a fate I could never understand). She could come to family gatherings but not me or our kids. Her brother threatened to kill our kids. She finally divorced me to save face and make her life bearable. She now has a relationship with her family, her parents are dead and I am lonely. I agree with the previous comments to seek your own happiness. However, weigh carefully the price. Look at everyone in your family (not just your parents) since this is your support network.

First of all, if you are over 18, technicall you can do what you want. You need to explain to your parents that this is something that you want to do and that you don't share their feelings and views on the subject of interracial dating. Don't be disrespectful but explain to them that it is your life and you are allowed to make your own decisions. Now, if you are too dependent on your parents then you just might want to keep the info to yourself until you are in a better position to take care of yourself and provide your own things. Crawl before you walk and take things with your parents and him one step at a time so that you have an understanding of what you are doing. Always take care of you first! Good luck.

I think that you should decide to do whatever your think will leave you most happy.

Well, a big question would be your age. Are you ready to move out? Racism is not a good thing and I applaud you for researching yourself to come up with your own conclusions about people. If you are under 18, I would continue to be friends with him and not be ashamed, but I would hold off on a relationship. Not for racial reasons, but for your own benefit. You are young, and can use this time to really search out what you want in life and enjoy life without being tied down by all of the adult responsibilities. If he's the man for you, he'll still be around and you can do what you'd like because you no longer are a dependant.

If you are still on AB let us know where the relationship with your black guy has gone...and how about your relationship with your parents?

having been in a number of "interracial" (hate the term" relationships, i'm a little shocked at the responses. i would be interested in knowing where each of you live.

i have never had anything other than incidents that were on the annoyance level. my response, prior to reading the preceding ones, was going question whether your parents were truly racist. a lot of folks oppose it for the same reasons that they would discourage taking any number of "unnecessarily" challenging paths in life. "marriage and raising children is difficult enough without the added challenges" sort of thing.

it's been my experience that the true racist is a very rare thing; plenty of prejudices, bias, and plain old boneheaded stupidity though, no doubt.

anyway, i just realized that if i continued without selfmoderating that this would end up a ridiculously long response. there is so much that needs to be looked at around issues of "race"; most notably the mass confusion and misunderstandings about the difference between race and culture--the definitions having been inappropriately blended into one in the thinking of many. the problems that result are enormous.

First off, I commend you for not being racist yourself!

Never stop showing love and compassion to your parents, just because they have some bad ideas doesn't mean that they will always be that way... people change over time...

In regards to having an interracial relationship, no worries about that one!

I think someone else already suggested it but you should try to minimize hurting anyone... try and be as honest and compassionate as possible...

Good luck and all the best! ;)

In the end, it's your life and what you think is all that matters. If he means something to you, then don't let your parents get in the way of your relationship. If you want to tell them, tell them, and if they kick you out then there's not much you can do except stand on your own two feet and stick to your guns, so to speak.

i want to respond to bem5014. i am so sorry you had to go through that. i can't conceieve of it, and i applaud YOU for sticking by her through all those attacks. i am a woman in a 10 year successful interracial relationship and my parents were never rascist till i fell in love with this man and began planning a multicultural family. love should always come first, communication is key, rascism and intolerance by family members is intolerable. i don't know what the answer is, i suffer a lot of verbal and emotional abuse by my parents, but the loss can only be theirs. again, bem5014, i am sorry. move on and love life but continue to keep your integrity intact.

I think that you should just stay friends with him like mentioned before, dont take any big risks with anything, but dont rub it in your parents faces either. As much as they may be racist and im not trying to sound pessimistic, but this reltationship may not work out one day, and(Assuming you tell you parents) you wont have your parents anymore. So really just try to keep it to yourself.

Leave the parents behind. You are a fine person and their bigotry must not invade your life. The law will protect you if need be.

I cannot believe that we still have to deal with this kind of racist crap in this day and age. You need to respect your parents as people who raised you. You also need to respect yourself and your integrity. Get out of that house. If you know your parents would throw you out if you behaved as a non-racist and you are a non-racist, they have already in their minds thrown you out. Their sick ideas are more important to them than your well being, it seems. You need to leave.

My family has said the same thing, even though I've never had a black boyfriend. I try and stick up for all kinds of races around them, but I can never change their mind. Sometimes they'll cover it back up by saying they don't feel that way, but I reaaly know they do. So since you are old enough to handle YOUR own relationships, you have to face the consequences. Either stay under their roof and follow their rules or leave and start your new life. If you want to take a chance you can invite your boyfriend to a Halloween party at your house, introduce him and hope they don't rip his mask off. But that's risky!

well I'm going to be blunt ok ...tell them up front ...if they kick up a stink tell them to blow it out their arse and pack your bags and move out ...tell them how ashamed you are of them and their racist out look and don't darken your door step untill they change ... you have the right to be happy it IS your life and not there's to live ...I know it will be hard but hey life is hard

i know how u feel to a point. im 14 and used to have a relationship with a black male.from the moment i saw him i loved him we became friends instantly.after i told my parents about him they got angry and juged him by the color of his skin they never met him but they didnt talk to me for weeks at a time i told them 1 night' u are not god u have no right to judge him especially because ur not perfect.'thats the moment i swore never to b like them.stick 2 ur guns god will still love u. nikki.

If you're under 18 then let them know. They have no right to be that racist. They also have a duty to give you food, shelter, etc. so they cannot legally kick you out for dating a black guy.

You can, of course, just go out to meet him. This would, however, get pretty dam annoying if it continues for any length of time.

To give you my ideas:
1. If you feel they may accept him if you talk to them, then talk and give it a shot.
2. If you know there is no chance they would allow it, then it's up to you if you want to take the risk and go behind their backs. Eventually, the questions will come flying.

Good Luck,
Hope this helps

*Response to comment:
I'm a guy so I'm not gonna say "I know how you feel" because..well..I don't. What I can say is that your parents know ing you are visiting him (and being OK with it) is a good step. This means you don't need to say "I'm going to courtney's" (to use an example) when you see him. On the other hand, you need to know that if this gets serious, eventually your parents will want to meet him, and maybe his folks. Think down the road first and tread carefully. You don't need to deny him, but unfortunately you will need to keep your parents in mind - try to keep them happy. I wish you good luck but, like I said, I can't offer any firsthand advice.

say that you wont leave and stay

I am in a bi-racial relationship and it is not easy. You will have to for see the future. You may get serious, get married, have children, and your parents may never accept it. I hid my relationship for the first year. After that I let the cat out of the bag, where my parents and I did not speak for two years. I finally decided to speak to them after my boyfriend and I had our son. I did not want to be the one to keep him away from his grandparents. I let them make the decision. I brought him when he was 5 months old. They accepted him and love him very much. However, my mother still does not accept my boyfriend after we have bought a house together, had a kid together, and have been engaged. Till this day she refuses to see him. She continues to say racial comments from time to time, which bothers me because of my son. Be prepared for the worst, you have to be strong. There is a chance that you may not experience this. Some parents eventually break, but it will take time if it does. Times are changing too. Since Obama has been president I have been seeing much more bi-racial couples. Our generation will change things, but in the mean time we have to deal with the past generations. Best of luck.

Tell them you are dating him, it is for them to deal with!!! Bless you for not being like your parents, you deserve to decide for yourself!!!!

Hey hun im going through the exact same problems. My fathers the most racist person i've ever met. I've been w/ my beautiful black boyfrend for 7 months and we get along better then any white guy i've been w/. You need to listen to your heart. If u think it could end up being something serious and u might love him then your parents will eventually come back around. Yeah i know that it's just the getting to that part thats hard. But like i said if u think it could something serious someday it will be okay. Like my new motto EVERYTHING IS OKAY IN THE END, IF IT'S NOT OKAY THEN IT'S NOT THE END. Good luck hun i know exactly what your going through and i know it's tearing you up. But remember ur parents luv u and want whats best for u but they don't always know. U r the one that lives ur life, not ur parents. U make ur decicions if ur heart tells u its right.

at 22, you are right to start deciding who you will date. the issue is: is this person a good person, not is he black/white.
It's going to be hard, though, to explain this to your parents, especially when you are financially indebted to them at the moment.
On the other hand, you can't keep it secret. It is unfair to him, and sounds like you value the finances more than him.(even though you don't)
You could explain the situation to your parents by saying that you are only dating at the moment, and there is no saying, at the moment, where it will go. You would prefer to stay at home, but not if the finances will be used as leverage to end the relationship.

Assuming you are of adult age, you should be seeing him and any other black guy you want or who wants you.

I know what you are saying I am 24 and madly in love with a black man. I grew up knowing how my parents felt about Interracial relationships, but for me the love I have for this man can't be wrong. He is my everything and the man you are with should be yours especially if it is your future. My parents don't know about my boyfriend yet but it will happen soon I probably should start packing my belongings because if they want it or not I am going to marry this man. I hope I shed some light on your situation take care and remember it is your life and future.

I know exactly how you feel. Im only 16 though. and i just started dating someone black.My dad told me that he will not allow me to date outside my race. If he finds out i do then he will take my car away..my cell phone..everything...and it really hurts that he would do that.I dont know what to tell you but I know that you should talk to your guy about it first and see what he thinks.

Sometimes we have to make the tough decisions and do what is right regardless of the consequences. If you are old enough you will make it, and it would seem you are at 22. Follow your consience. Good luck.

I'm not fully sure how to answer your question, but you shouldn't let your parents decide who you love or not.