By using the parenthetical comment, “or spanked as you child abusers in denial refer to it”, you are loudly proclaiming your stance up front in an aggressive way. This will probably illicit comments from people who will mirror your stance, or illicit comments from people who wish to confront your stance with aggression, or your question will be ignored. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (http://www.webmd.com/content/pages/15/97155.htm) To spank or not to spank? For many parents, it's a real quandary. We know that about two-thirds of parents in the U.S. do spank their kids at some point, yet most "experts" caution against it. Passions run high: some liken spanking to child abuse; others call it a practical and effective punishment. Some say it will do no harm if used gently and appropriately, while others claim a child will grow up more aggressive and unhappy if he or she is spanked. So it's not unusual that you and your husband don't see eye to eye on this one. As always, my first inclination is to see what scientific studies tell us about controversial questions in child-rearing. After all, a lot of advice turns out to be just one man's opinion, later proven to be false when put to the test (for example, "newborn babies are blind," "infants should be fed on a rigid schedule"). When it comes to spanking, however, you can find research to support either position. Some studies report no harm from mild, occasional spanking, while others suggest that it can make children more aggressive. Part of the problem is that it's hard to do these studies. Think about it. Some kids provoke spanking more than others. A child with a difficult temperament is tougher to raise and is more likely to be spanked by his frustrated parents than a child with an easy temperament. So if the spanked child ends up with more problems, is it because he was spanked or because he had more behavior difficulties to begin with? Since scientific studies can't resolve this disagreement between you and your husband, I'll just give you my take. I don't think occasional, non-abusive spanking when young children misbehave is going to cause problems -- if the spanking is done right after the infraction in order to teach a simple lesson, if it is not especially painful, and, most important, if the emotional tone of your home is loving and nurturing the rest of the time. Personally, I worry much more about consistent verbal criticism than the occasional swat on the butt. The wayward child who runs out in the street must learn that she shouldn't do so, even if she is too young to understand why she shouldn't do so. Explanations can only get you so far in restraining the desires of the young toddler. Having said that, I'm no fan of spanking and personally don't recommend it. First, I don't think it's a generally effective discipline technique. Remember, the purpose of punishment is to teach your child socially acceptable behavior. Spanking only teaches what not to do, not what to do. It also implies that physical power determines what is right and what is wrong. Additionally, I think withdrawal of parental attention is usually a more effective punishment for most kids (that's why "time-out," while not perfect, can work well). There are also other effective ways to punish (and reward): * Allowing "natural consequences" to occur (i.e., don't protect your child from the naturally occurring negative consequences of misbehavior, if they aren't too serious) * Sticker charts, with smiley faces or stars marking good behavior * Planned ignoring of the misbehavior Finally, spanking is often nothing more than a parental temper tantrum: You made me mad and you're going to pay the price. In that case, spanking usually has more to do with vengeance than instruction. So what should you do? It's nice for parents to present a unified front with regard to discipline -- that way the child gets a consistent message, learns the lessons more efficiently, and can't play one parent against the other. In some ways, how you and your husband resolve this may be more important than whether you occasionally spank your child. Try to have a heart-to-heart, read more about spanking, talk to others, go over the pros and cons, and see if you can work out a consistent response that you both can live with.

It is seldom necessary to spank a child, and it certainly is counterproductive to spank a child for every little thing. HOWEVER ... when the child's behavior threatens his own or others' life or limb, or threatens to destroy valuable property, a swift swat on the butt is probably the best alternative. Small children are often not aware of danger. My older son was bad about dashing into parking lots to get to our car. I finally had to spank him to make sure he remembered not to do that. About a week later, we were coming out of a store and he started to dash into the path of an oncoming car. I shouted, "Stop!" and he did, with bare inches to spare. Had I not spanked my son when nothing else would help, he probably would not be alive today. Children who are raised to believe that there are no or very minor consequences to unacceptable behavior often wind up in continuous conflict with the law after they become adults. They seem to think that the law is going to forgive them everything just like mommie and daddie did.

I agree with you !! If he does this the child would start feeling hate and would NEVER have a good relationship with his/her father...

The short answer is, you're off in left field. You may be able to find "alternative" ways of disciplining your children so they turn out all right, but if you look around, more & more kids are not turning out all right, and I believe that's because they were never disciplined as children. Spanking does not necessarily equal discipline, but by rejecting spanking you're denying yourself a potentially very effective tool for discipline, which if executed properly and with love, has nothing to do with abuse.

You are right and he is wrong....dead wrong. Kids are kids. They need to be taught right from wrong and how to do things and how to behave - easily, kindly, early and by example. They need to be reminded gently when they forget...and later when they do things against the rules on purpose (as they are biologically hardwired to do)we need to provide logical consequences...not punishment. Spanking only teaches power by intimidation and fear. I raised 2 children and never spanked them. They are wonderful citizens and adults and parents. I was raised lovingly and, even though I went through a rebellious phase, I was NEVER hit.

I am withdrawing this answer.. I dont agree with beating a kid up and if u read my comments i dont disagree with giving a child a light tap on the ass.. thats all i need to say without the bulls@*t

Ok I'm going to start by putting you straight on one thing...there is a huge, massive, insane difference between spanking and beating a child. I agree that kids don't need to be beaten or abused, but I think that the occasional spanking is acceptable and even necessary in some instances, like if the child's safety is at risk because of a repeated behavior (like CaptainHarley's son jetting into traffic...sometimes you have to shock them into understanding). What you have to keep in mind is that a spanking is and should be far more emotional than physical for a child. I don't think it is ever necessary to do more than swat a child (and pretty lightly, at that) on the tush. When you spank a kid, it should be light and more of a surprise than painful, and the shock should help them to remember what they need to avoid doing and that there are consequences for their actions. You never need to hit a child hard, but shocking them with a swift swat on the ass is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.

physical discipline by itself is not enough, however, it can be a very effective tool in parenting. it's a real shame that many people grew up with just the spanking part of that kind of discipline, and not the other half of discussion, instruction, and abundant love to balance out the negative consequences to disobedience and foolish behavior - that's what creates violence. anger should not be a part of any kind of physical discipline, and honestly, allowing our young children to heckle us to the point of striking in anger is a very immature reaction. if one is experiencing a high amount of negative emotion towards the child the child should be placed in another room and the parent should take a break - no discipline should happen at this time because it's not objective. discipline is a two way street - it doesn't stop with correction. it's a daily task and i think that whatever form of correction a parent chooses to use, barring abuse (which is something that causes physical harm - a swat on the bum doesn't hardly come close to that), is their personal choice. beating in anger and spanking to teach and correct are two very, very different things. the most important thing you need to determine with your husband is what strategy you can agree on. if you two are divided, your children will know that from very early on and will play one of you against the other and it will not only undermine your marriage but also make fools out of both of you in your kids' eyes and you will get very very little accomplished. i suggest you try and see your husband's point of view and try to help him to understand yours so you can come to a compromise.

Well, this 'child abuser' disagrees. I have seen it happen, but not in my house, my friend.

Good grief, there's a huge difference between a spanking and child abuse. But regardless of that, your husband is wrong. A child doesn't have to be spanked to get punished. My son responds much better to talks, time outs, and groundings then anything else. He doesn't get away with anything and has been spanked very little in his life. He takes after me, I was spanked but it didn't do a lick of good for me either.

No, you do not have to spank to ensure that a child doesn't "get away with everything they do." You do have to have consequences. Making them *think* is the best thing to do since they will be less likely to do it again. It's too easy to put it off on giving them a swat, a slap, a spanking that can turn into something more in anger. Making the child think also makes the parent think. I've seen it work and not work without spankings. Since it can work, I never understand the pleasure or relief that comes from hitting your own child.

I was spanked as a child and it did not damage my psyche one bit. I raised my son as a single parent and only spanked him once. He is a perfectly well-adjusted and happy human being. I don't think you can make such sweeping generalizations as to say no spankings of a child should EVER occur for ANY reason. That's as far off in left field as someone who wants to spank a kid (or feed them hot pepper flakes!?!?!) for saying an offensive word. bowlermommy, I can't help but think you have some serious issues with discipling children if you consider it more acceptable to feed a child hot pepper flakes than to swat them on the behind to get their attention.

I didnt read all the answers this is what I am saying to you. Your not in left field, i am with you all the way. I have dealt with a lot of abused kids over the years, they become adults and abuse their girlfriends, wives, boyfriends and husbands because that is what they knew. Spanking may not necessarily be child abuse depending on the level but it still sends the wrong message to a child... its pure hypocrisy. I dont do it, I dont condone it and I would intervene if I saw it. Physically hitting another human being is not discipline, its corporal punishment.

Thats Corporal punishment! I THINK PEOPLE CAN FIND OTHER WAYS TO GET THEIR KIDS TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT, WITHOUT HITTING ON THEIR FLESH!! AS AN ADULT IN THE 2000 ERA , I WOULD THINK THE INTELLIGENCE LEVEL WOULD HAVE EVOLVED HERE!TALK TO YOUR CHILD, SHOW THEM ATTENTION,THEY WILL COME AROUND, BU!! YOU MUST KEEP REPEATING YOURSELF, KEEP TALKING TO THEM WITH LOVE!YA, YOU MAY USE HARCH WORDS TO GET A POINT ACROSS, DONT CUSS AND SWEAR AND RAISE YOUR VOICE, SIT THEM DOWN AND TALK,SOONER OR LATER THATS WHAT THEY WILL HAVE LEARNED FROM YOU!! HOW TO TALK OUT PROBLEMS, IT SEEMS LIKE THEY WILL NEVER GROW UP, BUT THEY WILL!!AND THEY WILL APPLY WHAT THEY LEARNED FROM YOU!!AND WONT YOU BE A PROUD MOM OR DAD!! WHAT IS IT WITH DADS, ALWAYS WANTING TO PUT HANDS ON!!

Personally, I believe it's up to the parents (BOTH of them) to decide on the correct punishment. Spanking is NOT beating, if done correctly. ONE swat (maybe 2), bare hand, covered butt, followed by a lecture on the subject at hand, or "time out" where they can't get to anything they want to - video games, TV, music, computer, toys, etc. T/O is for a SHORT time (no more than 10 minutes), but to them, feels like forever. Kids will be less likely to repeat doing something wrong (the reason for the punishment) if they associate at least a BIT of pain with it. There should be no welting, but a "sunburn" color is fine - it will go away quickly... And the reason for using the bare hand is so YOU feel the pain, too. Spanking, itself, should NOT be done when angry... It should be done after you (the parent) has "cooled down" about whatever, or the other parent should do it. The idea there is that if angry, you will swing harder or more often than necessary. I don't advocate it if you can make another punishment work, but don't be afraid of it if you do it as described above. I repeat - This is not "beating"... It's punishment. Left field? Maybe... If you consider spanking as in right field. Consider both fielders moving more toward center field.

&#039;Spanking' is NOT 'beating'. There is a reason Mother Nature gave us the ability to feel pain, and that is to learn to avoid undesirable behavior. It's Mother Natures way of teaching those who cannot or will not learn by other's mistakes. If you 'beat' your child around me, then you had better stand the f*ck by. If you 'spank' your child around me, then I'll stand by. <EDIT> Bowlermommy, I understand your reasoning and applaud you for your stance, having read some of your comments in reply to others. You have justifiable reason to believe that your engaging in ‘spanking’ may be a DANGEROUS form of discipline for you to engage in. Your personal experience also leads you to abhor allowing your husband to do so either. . You and your husband need to come to terms with all the alternative methods of disciplining a child, as all parent should anyway. Spanking should be a last resort method anyway, or at least only administered with respect to dangerous behavior which could kill or injure the child or others. Pain is not the end all of discipline (which is simply another way to say ‘training’). Raising a child necessarily involves agreeing and compromising in all aspects of life between you and your husband. And as long as your rejection of physical punishment is the conservative way, and no direct harm comes to the child by withholding it, and you are adamant about it, then you two need to work out how to raise your child properly without it. This CAN be done and is, in fact, NOT necessarily all that more difficult to do. But please…for future reference, would you be so kind as to NOT refer to all of us as: “…you child abusers in denial…”? That automatically gets EVERYONES dander up. And in the end, all it does is cloud the issue you really want an answer to, which is how do you and your husband work through this to an agreement on raising your child(ren).

Are you telling us that we're child abusers if we don't side with you against your husband? Seems to me that you just publicly called him out and told everyone he's full of shit, and that anyone who doesn't agree with you is as well. I don't care if you're asking me to side with you for world peace, you disrespect your husband like that and you lose my vote no matter what. Besides, you try reasoning with a toddler with PDD-NOS and potential high functioning autism when he's in full bore meltdown.

My kids never got away with much, let me tell you. I never beat them and spanked only when they were in danger, stove, road, etc. My kids grew up knowing right from wrong and doing right. I took things away, and wouldn't let them go out if it were serious enough.

I don't know why this person bothered asking the question when she already has the answer in her head. There is a FINE line between spanking and child abuse. When you discipline in any way, you do it with love. You let that child know that no matter what, you still love them, even if they are being punished. That is where many parents go wrong, they let their anger cloud their judgement. My mom stripped me naked and beat me regularly for years. She also slapped me, kicked me, and called me names. I will still be putting my bare hand to my small child's behind if need be. And I will be tucking them in each night, telling them I love them, staying in their lives, teaching them how to read, and being a parent. Bowlermommy, get some therapy. I did 14 years, and it helped a great deal. I feel sorry for the public that has to deal with any children you have, if all you can do is say "sweetie stop that now" when they're in public pitching a fit over what they can't have.

Alright, as usual most AB answers were ancedotal...so let try a few facts. No current research supports corporal punishment. There ARE other effective measures they just take more work...GASP! What research HAS proven is that children who are disciplined with corporal punishment are more agressive than children who are not. Have you ever heard the proverb, "spare the rod spoil the child?" The word "rod" does not refer to a tool of punishment. It refers to a symbol of authority. In essense what the wise Solomon is saying is that you have authority in the lives of your children ... use it! There are a lot of poorly behaved children that are spanked out there.

Well, that all depends on whether you think it is okay for a child not to learn about consequences when the consequences are smaller than prison, divorce, job loss, poverty, loneliness, etc. Or, if you use other forms of discipline, do you think it is healthy for all of a child's time to be about consequences and discipline. My husband and I had decided we didn't believe in spanking and we weren't going to do it. A few months ago we realized that our entire day was about discipline and our child wasn't having any fun time. That was when we decided that a swat on the tush, followed by a fun day was preferable.

i was spanked as a child and i believe i turned out well.. i was raised by a single parent and the discipline she enforced when i was misbehaving made me realize consequences and made me realize what my parent had to sacrifice to get where we are. i know what's right from wrong and i never want to do anything bad which would reflect on how my parent raised me. i know my parent loves me and i never felt like i was abused, i feel sorry for real abusers who hit their family.. i have a friend who was physically abused and the pain she had to go through was immense and she was also emotionally abused. to tell you what she had to go through would make me just angry.. so i'd rather not. but for you to put people who spank their children at the same level of those physical abusers enrages me. obviously you have no knowledge of what it is to spanked for misbehaving and what it means to be beaten with a bat naked with your clothes stripped. don't be ignorant.

Physical punishments should be avoided, but sometimes, only physical punishments work. I think that a small slap on the bottom when the child is doing something harmful to themselves or others is needed, and will help teach the child not to do whatever they were doing. But repeated hittings when the parent is angry and when there are other effective punishments are not.

children are very smart in the way that if they find they can get away with something they will do it over and over again. it is up to the parent to discipline the child so he/she could learn that what they were doing or getting away with is dangerous, unethical, or simply wrong. i will not advocate any type of discipline for that is up to you to decide using your childhood as a reference and deciding what types of discipline you want to use, change, or disregard. the one type of discipline i am completely opposed to is the (your are not going to eat) type of discipline. that s**ts just wrong. other than that knock yourself out and hit the kid. i mean, i grew up just fine, and aside from being closed off, narcissistic, and not caring if i emotionally hurt people, i'm pretty much normal.

O agree with you. And speakign form exprience, your idea is right. I had a father who always wanted to hit to discpline (as thats what his physcially abusive and verbally abusive father did and he learned from expample). His discipline style resulted in me being scared of him more then I really hsould have (I shouldnt have had to walk on pins and needles so I wouldnt get spanked/beaten/yelled at). My mother on the hand would sit me down and talk to me, I had a closer relationship with her in the long run (we're bestfriends actually). Children learn from their parents (esp. by watching). If you act right, chances are your child will to. By yelling or hitting your child (as a form of displine and even worse the only form you resort to) it can harm the relationship youll have with your child and your childs selfesteem. Spanking every once in awhile depending on how often and how they are spanked (a pat on the behind is fine, beating the child is not)is probably ok and wont effect the child much. By the way, if he does beat the hcild as a form of displine, chances are the child wont be that close to him and may run to you...and he may end up resenting that. Just a thought.

I'm withdrawing my answer after seeing this person's response to any opinion different from hers. There's no use talking to people like this.

I'm curious to know why you even bothered to ask this question if you're simply going to shoot down every opinion that differs from yours without a second thought. You sound like you're just trying to create a rally against your husband to win an argument and I'm not going to participate in that.

I don't believe in beating children but giving them a couple of quick swats on the bum if they are acting up is NOT abuse. It would have upset me a great deal if my spouse beat the children but if they were stacking on a tantrum in public and wouldn't listen to me, I would not have objected if he spoke to them sternly. If you can develop a stern voice and "the look", it shouldn't need too much in the way of swats to keep a kid in line. In fact, some kids never need to be spanked as even a stern warning will suffice.

most serial abusers were coddled and not "beaten" as children.

what was the point in asking this damn question if all you are going to do is disagree with everyone opinion (who doesnt agree with you)?? You should never abuse a child but a light tap on the ass (not hard) can save them from harm, it scares them into not to do something that can cause them harm or cause alot of damage.

i think i see you way out in the left field 'wave your hand , yep i see you !

Violence only encourages more violence(Psychologically PROVEN) If you want to punish use time outs or take away privileges. Reward them for good behaviour, but don't be bribing them either

There's a big difference between being beaten (abused) and being spanked (disciplined). And what sloppywet said.

That's absolutely bull, and also child abuse...

I think there are other, better ways of discipling children.

my parents never hit me as i was growing up and oddly enough, im much more obedient and polite than alot of people

i agree with you, but i believe if the chastisement is done out of love and for the ultimate sole benefit of the child, then i agree with your husband in some way as well

Well, first off, spanking and beating are not the same thing. But regardless, I do think that though there is nothing wrong withs spanking, there are better ways to punish children, and this is from someone who was spanked (and not beaten).

Spanking is WRONG. If you think about it in its simplicity, a human being is being hit by another human being twice or more his size. This is reason enough to not do it. This is 2008. Havent we evolved enough to seek alternate forms of discipline? Come on, hitting someone? That's sick!

I agree with you bowlermommy07! I know it is BULL too!! +

Spanking is not the answer, but a smack on the back of the hand now and again is ok.

There is a difference between "spanking" and "hitting". "Spanking" is not child abuse. "Hitting" is. That being said, I think "spanking" should be used as a last resort.

I think you're off in left field for thinking beating and spankings are the same thing. My refrain about spanking: If it hurts more than a rough high-five, you're doing it wrong; if you have to use it more than half a dozen times in your kid's life, you're using it wrong. There are obviously plenty of times when spanking isn't appropriate, and there are of course plenty of other punishments that work just fine for some kids. But when your kid dashes into the street ahead of you, a talk about feelings and not getting to play a game later don't have quite the immediate effect of catching him by the arm to pull him back and swat his rear. I don't think that kids who don't get spanked get away with everything, but I *do* think that a lot of kids who get away with everything could use a spanking.

to me spanking or beating to me is abuse the only method i use is talking and talking... and im proud of my kids so please dont make them be afraid of you they need to know they can come to u with a problem and ull talk to them not spank them u need to be friends without them losing their respect for u .

i have three white labs.. 150 pound Search and Rescue monsters about 4 years old now and younger. ive had a dozen professional trainers work with them over the years as puppies and as older almost adults. they are literally monsters. they will lick you to death, play with you like a rag doll , tackle you, and can be dangerous to themselves and others. no they are not pitbulls. they will kill you with kindness. but a hundred pound animal must learn to realize its own strength especially if its going to be out in the wilderness chasing lost children or small adults. most of the trainers,nowadays, use this POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT ONLY technique. NEVER SPANK your DOG is the MANTRA. 9 out of ten of them have actually given up on my dogs after a week or two of this SILLY training. even thru the advanced stages of search and rescue. my dogs are bred in europe for strength of character and stamina. they are infinitely friendly, loyal, sweet and PLAYFUL. but they are monsters and need to be swatted or "beaten" daily. i probably spank at least one of them daily and scold most of them at least once a day. the older ones need just a tap and a mean look, the younger ones need bigger bullets.( thats a joke).my brothers and i were the same way and probably worse.. my poor dad

To make it short and to the point I think you are in left field and you and your husband clearly should have talked about this before getting married because you are going to be pissed when he spanks your kids butt.

i never hit my kids and they were two of the best behaved kids in the school (as was told to me by teachers)

Say you are in the supermarket, your baby sees this toy/candy/thing that he really wants. You realize he does not need what he is asking for and tell him no. He starts crying, you tell him to stop, but now he wont stop! Your heat level goes up and you do it! Just there, done, simple, you spank the baby. What happens then? does he realize he did wrong? Apparently NOT. The only thing you cause that baby is to set his mind up to violence. As he grows up, and misbehaves, every time he does it he will have in mind what you always do. You hit him. Eventually he'll realize, or come to the conclusion that he gets hurt when he does something that no one else likes, therefore, he must hurt those who do what he does not like. Not only this, every human is afraid of getting hurt. Its just a natural reaction, therefore we try to avoid being hurt, and tend to fear/hate that which hurts us the most. Guess what they baby will do as well? He will learn to fear/hate you every time you decide that a spank is the right thing to do. I dont say this is the thing that happens in every single case, nor do I say that doing the spanking business every now and then is the wrong thing to do. However, we must be careful of the circumstances that surround us when we do it, and NOT TO DO IT ALL THE TIME. Sometimes a strong "NO!" or "STOP!" or just a really assertive attention getter is enough. Treat your babies right, remember they represent our future. ROCK ON! MexDeath.

I think hard spanking has to be inficted on teenagers

There are many of us who have raised great kids without ever hitting them. All spanking is not child abuse, but I think it's horrible to hit the little people.

Well I work in law enforcement and I hope none of you anti-spankers lose the life of you're child. I life in a suburb of Philly. The difference between how many children are hit by cars in Philly and here is staggering. It is normally the same old story to; in Philly where it is acceptable to spank kids hear no and stop in the suburb where fools talk everything out with their kids their kids hear no and ask why as a garbage truck spreads their parts all over the road. So in my experience your self righteous attitudes and over compensations for your own actually child abuses are foolish and may cost you your children. Also lets not forget that we survive at the moment because of our technology, if ever we lose that luxury even if its temporary i.e. terrorist attack on the power supply etc.. I would be willing to bet everything that your kids i.e. the ones who walk away from you any time they're mad or talk back because they can with out fear of reprisal will be the ones nature claims for dinner. I think a lot of idealist dummies need to be separated from their technology and reminded what it takes to survive and what it means to be progenitor to progeny to bad you're not as strong as your husband.

i was beat it did not make me an upstanding child instead i lashed out but like some of the other comments i would say there is a right time and wrong time be fair and explain why they are about to get a spanking and dont do it in anger.myself i have been lucky i geuees i have 2 girls and a boy and never had to spank but took away privliges they are educated and respectfull and respect me . i am a freind AND a dad.

Well, I hope you kid called 911 on your husband and has him sent to prison, where he can get beat