What do *I* do? I tried to axe myself and check out early...twice. I eventually figured out that it wasn't my call and I was more or less stuck here and had to deal with it. So I dealt with it. Everyone is where they are as a direct result of the choices they made. Granted, we may have chosed differently had we known the outcomes, but bottom line is we chose where we are. If we don't like where that is then it's time to make different choices. Ain't no easy route....just change your decision making process to avoid making choices that landed you where you don't want to be. Wash, rinse, repeat. It took me 37 years to get to a point where I felt my life was an overall positive experience from birth to present day. For now, I'm increasing that positive tip on the teeter totter of life...dunno how long it'll last but this is the first time I can remember being in this position. I don't remember ages 0-5 much. From 5-37 overall sucked. I think I only got through it when I decided to just suck it up and accept that I couldn't check out early...eventually things turned around. I can't say if I was lucky or not...therefore I have no magic answer for ya and can't say "Everything will be okay". I have no clue if things will be ok for you...but it's gonna be up to you to break the hell out of the depression prison you're chosing to live in right now...and it won't be easy. You can give up and make shit worse...but ummmm that just makes shit worse. There is no magic answer that I'm aware of...yet somehow people manage to fight their way out anyway.

I've been there, many times. It's three AM, I can't sleep, can't hardly breathe without crying again. A couple times, I even wrote the note. What I did then, was remind myself that as bad as I hurt, I couldn't bear to hurt someone else. Someone would walk in and see what I'd done, and they'd carry that with them the rest of their lives. The people I do care about would blame themselves, not me. I was afraid that I wasn't ending the sadness, I'd just be passing it along to someone who didn't deserve it. I wouldn't swear it off. I'd just take a deep breath, and remind myself that if I could always do it later. I would wait a day, and see how I felt then. Most of the time, I wouldn't even remember until a few days later. For what it is worth, I hope you choose not to. You don't owe me anything, and I don't think there's anything wrong you for feeling like this.