I know exactly how you feel when it comes to not being attracted to your partner and having large difficulties trying to determine whether to stay in the relationship or not. My partner and I were together for 3.5 years previously, we were engaged for 1.5 of those years. I loved him more than anything in the world, I was also extremely attracted to him, physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally, however he broke off our relationship mid last year and I have had terrible difficulties dealing with this rejection as I really thought we would always be together, as he was my best friend, companion, lover and future husband. He was the first man I fell in love with and so I had shared so many experiences with him. During our breakup, I dated one other man whom was extremely attractive physically and sexually compared to my ex-fiance. I noticed a complete change in dating a different person altoegther. In the last 3 months, my ex-fiance and I decided to get back together and give the relatiosnhip another try, however I am struggling to stay attracted to him because I have now seen what its like to date other men. When I look at him, I see my best friend, but I am not sure if I could ever see him as a future long term partner again as I am struggling to be sexually and physically attracted to him again. He is still the same man I fell in love with, however I have become bored in the relationship and don't know how to deal with this situation, as I love him, but I have a funny feeling I am 'in love' with him. Any suggestions on how I can increase my attraction to him? Or make myself fall 'in love' again?
Well said, angelic. You do an excellent job of describing the boredom and ambivalence in such a relationship. Before our very eyes, the person we loved can become a dear friend. The question is, do you need to stay in a romantic relationship to preserve the friendship?
In your case, it sounds as if a lack of trust might be affecting your relationship. The erotic love died after he broke up with you. Maybe your unresponsiveness to him is a defense mechanism. You do not want to get too attached in case he will break your heart again. Of course, this is just an intuitive assessment. Perhaps I am wrong.
The frustrating part of relationships is that no one can decide their outcome for us; we must decide on our own, and take a risk in the process. I hope things work out for you, one way or another.
i am not sure. i love my partner a lot. but i am not attracted to him at all.
overall... he is the perfect person for me. but i am having problems with the lack of attraction. debating if i should break it off - but i think that would be shallow of me.
we've been friends for 10 years, but dating for 2 years. and the past 2 years ive been trying to "become" attracted to him - but it just has not happened yet.
although i love him as a friend, i am afraid that i am coming to the concluscion that i will never be IN LOVE with him.
I believe it can work, in a manner of speaking. The relationship would be like a close friendship. You'd care about his/her well-being, which is a form of love, but the relationship would be missing that particular spark. However, I hesitate to tell you to end the relationship. Even the most passionate relationships cool off after a while, right?
Lack of attraction is damaging to the other person and unfair to yourself. There are so many people out there, it is a waste to engage in relationships that are toxic to your wellbeing or the wellbeing of others. Let go of fear, guilt and regret and move on.
I have to agree. If you aren't attracted you probably won't be having that much sex, and that can be very damaging. If you don't find the other person attractive it will show, and eventually they will catch on and feel terrible. So will you, but you'll be stuck with the memories of kissing someone gross. And that's no bueno.
I don't think a relationship can work if you're not attracted to your partner.
Clearly, when we see someone of the opposite sex, then we're either physically, or emotionally attracted to them.
In other words, we find something either physically or personality-based that attracts to someone of the opposite sex.
If you are not attracted to them physically, or attracted to their personality, then of course, you're not going to have a romantic relationship.
You could be in love with someone else, even if, you're not attracted to them physically.
For instance, you might love them because you're attracted to their personality. Many couples have married others because of their personalities as opposed to their looks. This explains why you might have a physically unattractive person married to a physically attractive person becuase they were basing their romantic relationship on their personalities as opposed to their looks.
Bottom line: If there's no attraction physical, or personality-based, then you can still love them in a platonic, friendly manner, but not romantically as in the type of love you would have for someone else if you were to marry them.
i think that there is the very real chance that your partner will look for sex elsewhere if they are not enjoying a satisfying sex life with you.
i have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. for the first year we had good sex, but i did have to work to get him aroused - unless he'd been drinking in which case he couldn't get enough.
for the last 2 years i have had every excuse under the sun as to why we don't have sex very often. from no bed side tables to tiredness to me being smelly to me not having nice breasts...and it goes on. he used to say i was too demanding if i tried to initiate sex after a few weeks without anything.
my partner watches porn every day for several hours at work (his own boss). he will not share watching porn together and denies he does it!!! he also turns his head and stops talking to watch women walk by.
i find his lies re the porn hurtful because this means we cannot have trust in our relationship because he openly lies to me. it also hurts because he has no desire to share his sexual excitement with me so we can enjoy a sexual relationship together. it hurts because he does not respect me and will openly ogle other women as if i dont matter at all. finally, it hurts because he thinks he can do what he wants behind my back (porn) and just leave me alone and i should be ok with this.
he invited a man we met while out for a drink back to our place. this man was putting his hand up my skirt, grabbing my breasts and bum and talking dirty to me. i told my partner to ask this man to leave and he didnt believe me! he sees me as so unattractive that no man would want me. he said if there really was a problem i should ask him to leave myself.
i used to think i was disgusting for him to react to me this way, but i know he has the issues.
we are still together because he loves me like an angel and looks after me. this sound pathetic but it shows he cares. i gave up my career and moved countries to be with him. i now have nothing and no where to go. we are also expecting our first baby. he will be a great dad.
i have tried talking to him about the lack of sex, lying about the porn, etc. but he either gets angry or lies to me to shut me up. so ive accepted life as it is and carry on- knowing that it may come to the stage when i just cant cope without a sex life(never had one until we met and not my choice to live a life without one).
also due to his treatment of me, i no longer find him sexually desirable and no longer want sex with him - but i long for sex.
now, he is back in touch with the love of his life (before me). he often used to call me her name and compare me to her - she always being the best.
i have a feeling he will go behind my back and begin an affair with her. he finds her sexually attractive and his face lights up when he talks about her. he says they are just catching up by email.
so, i dont think that a relationship without attreaction is a good idea, because there are so many ways in which your partner can be tempted away by the thrill of having something they dont have with you. they may love you for your personality, but in most cases i dont think this is enough and being best friends is not the same as a relatinship.
i am due to get married soon,we have had sex three times in 1 year and she wants to get married.I am not physically attracted to her or sexually....what am to do,can this last?
It depends on what you mean by "work." People stay married for years without being attracted to each other. It's not the perfect situation, but they make it work.
If you love the person, but are not attracted to them, that is more of a friendship than a romantic relationship.
Being attracted to a person is more than just looks. You can be attracted to someone no considered attractive because their personality, etc, makes them attractive.
If that doesn't happen... it isn't really fair to either person to force a relationship.
Important: Answerbag cannot guarantee the accuracy of answers submitted by members, and we recommend that you use common sense when following any advice found here. Read full disclaimer.
lonelydragon Oct, 31 2009 at 12:17 PM
TheicidalManiac Aug, 18 2008 at 04:11 AM
IMaNoNyMouStOo Jul, 05 2006 at 01:00 AM
