Can a relationship work if you're not attracted to your partner? Can you still be in love with him/her?

I believe it can work, in a manner of speaking. The relationship would be like a close friendship. You'd care about his/her well-being, which is a form of love, but the relationship would be missing that particular spark. However, I hesitate to tell you to end the relationship. Even the most passionate relationships cool off after a while, right?

I know exactly how you feel when it comes to not being attracted to your partner and having large difficulties trying to determine whether to stay in the relationship or not. My partner and I were together for 3.5 years previously, we were engaged for 1.5 of those years. I loved him more than anything in the world, I was also extremely attracted to him, physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally, however he broke off our relationship mid last year and I have had terrible difficulties dealing with this rejection as I really thought we would always be together, as he was my best friend, companion, lover and future husband. He was the first man I fell in love with and so I had shared so many experiences with him. During our breakup, I dated one other man whom was extremely attractive physically and sexually compared to my ex-fiance. I noticed a complete change in dating a different person altoegther. In the last 3 months, my ex-fiance and I decided to get back together and give the relatiosnhip another try, however I am struggling to stay attracted to him because I have now seen what its like to date other men. When I look at him, I see my best friend, but I am not sure if I could ever see him as a future long term partner again as I am struggling to be sexually and physically attracted to him again. He is still the same man I fell in love with, however I have become bored in the relationship and don't know how to deal with this situation, as I love him, but I have a funny feeling I am 'in love' with him. Any suggestions on how I can increase my attraction to him? Or make myself fall 'in love' again?

i am not sure. i love my partner a lot. but i am not attracted to him at all.

overall... he is the perfect person for me. but i am having problems with the lack of attraction. debating if i should break it off - but i think that would be shallow of me.

we've been friends for 10 years, but dating for 2 years. and the past 2 years ive been trying to "become" attracted to him - but it just has not happened yet.

although i love him as a friend, i am afraid that i am coming to the concluscion that i will never be IN LOVE with him.

sigh....

Read the book "The Road Less Traveled" - It takes some of the romance out of "falling in love" and really drives it home what love is. Attraction isn't love and sex isn't love, both will diminish over time. I see a lot of "we are a perfect match in every other way" comments and believe that you need to consider that whole heartedly before deciding to break up because the sex isn't amazing and passionate. The truth is, most people are more physically attracted to someone who isn't compatible with them at all, which is why the divorce rate is through the roof. Love is a commitment and, in the end when looks and sex drive have departed, your happiness in the relationship will be dependent on how compatible you are as people, not sex objects.

Lack of attraction is damaging to the other person and unfair to yourself. There are so many people out there, it is a waste to engage in relationships that are toxic to your wellbeing or the wellbeing of others. Let go of fear, guilt and regret and move on.

I don't think a relationship can work if you're not attracted to your partner.

Clearly, when we see someone of the opposite sex, then we're either physically, or emotionally attracted to them.

In other words, we find something either physically or personality-based that attracts to someone of the opposite sex.

If you are not attracted to them physically, or attracted to their personality, then of course, you're not going to have a romantic relationship.

You could be in love with someone else, even if, you're not attracted to them physically.

For instance, you might love them because you're attracted to their personality. Many couples have married others because of their personalities as opposed to their looks. This explains why you might have a physically unattractive person married to a physically attractive person becuase they were basing their romantic relationship on their personalities as opposed to their looks.

Bottom line: If there's no attraction physical, or personality-based, then you can still love them in a platonic, friendly manner, but not romantically as in the type of love you would have for someone else if you were to marry them.

It depends on what you mean by "work." People stay married for years without being attracted to each other. It's not the perfect situation, but they make it work.

Can you love them? Yes.

Can the relationship work? No.

If you love the person, but are not attracted to them, that is more of a friendship than a romantic relationship.

Being attracted to a person is more than just looks. You can be attracted to someone no considered attractive because their personality, etc, makes them attractive.
If that doesn't happen... it isn't really fair to either person to force a relationship.

i am due to get married soon,we have had sex three times in 1 year and she wants to get married.I am not physically attracted to her or sexually....what am to do,can this last?

i think that there is the very real chance that your partner will look for sex elsewhere if they are not enjoying a satisfying sex life with you.
i have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. for the first year we had good sex, but i did have to work to get him aroused - unless he'd been drinking in which case he couldn't get enough.
for the last 2 years i have had every excuse under the sun as to why we don't have sex very often. from no bed side tables to tiredness to me being smelly to me not having nice breasts...and it goes on. he used to say i was too demanding if i tried to initiate sex after a few weeks without anything.
my partner watches porn every day for several hours at work (his own boss). he will not share watching porn together and denies he does it!!! he also turns his head and stops talking to watch women walk by.
i find his lies re the porn hurtful because this means we cannot have trust in our relationship because he openly lies to me. it also hurts because he has no desire to share his sexual excitement with me so we can enjoy a sexual relationship together. it hurts because he does not respect me and will openly ogle other women as if i dont matter at all. finally, it hurts because he thinks he can do what he wants behind my back (porn) and just leave me alone and i should be ok with this.
he invited a man we met while out for a drink back to our place. this man was putting his hand up my skirt, grabbing my breasts and bum and talking dirty to me. i told my partner to ask this man to leave and he didnt believe me! he sees me as so unattractive that no man would want me. he said if there really was a problem i should ask him to leave myself.
i used to think i was disgusting for him to react to me this way, but i know he has the issues.
we are still together because he loves me like an angel and looks after me. this sound pathetic but it shows he cares. i gave up my career and moved countries to be with him. i now have nothing and no where to go. we are also expecting our first baby. he will be a great dad.
i have tried talking to him about the lack of sex, lying about the porn, etc. but he either gets angry or lies to me to shut me up. so ive accepted life as it is and carry on- knowing that it may come to the stage when i just cant cope without a sex life(never had one until we met and not my choice to live a life without one).
also due to his treatment of me, i no longer find him sexually desirable and no longer want sex with him - but i long for sex.
now, he is back in touch with the love of his life (before me). he often used to call me her name and compare me to her - she always being the best.
i have a feeling he will go behind my back and begin an affair with her. he finds her sexually attractive and his face lights up when he talks about her. he says they are just catching up by email.
so, i dont think that a relationship without attreaction is a good idea, because there are so many ways in which your partner can be tempted away by the thrill of having something they dont have with you. they may love you for your personality, but in most cases i dont think this is enough and being best friends is not the same as a relatinship.

I'd sure like to know what the "dynamics" of the relationship was based on!?! The "laws of attraction" usually dictate SOME kind of "attraction".

I'm not sure in my relationship with my gf that I am sexually attracted to her. I think I have a phobia of her endometriosis. We match up and are compatible in every other way, but I have not been able to get aroused enough to make love to her in over a month. I have high blood pressure and the medication throws me for a spin at times and maybe the reason for my erectile dysfunction. I would like to think that my ED is due to the change in medication, but what if it's not, then our relationship won't grow any further due to my phobia.

im in a relation for last 4 years but im not attracted to towards him a lot. he luvz me lot care for me but just becoz he is skinny n little short in hieght im not tht way attracted the way i want to be attracted. wht shall i doo :( i dont want to end my relation but i want to be in luv wiht him completely

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Hi, I just ended a relationship with a very special guy in Mexico and I am very hurt about it. It was only 2 months but we lived together the whole time and it was all very intense. He was the perfect match in every way except I wasn't attracted enough to him.
I knew this from the get go but I really liked the way he looked at me and his personality. There was something really special about him and his commitment to getting to know me, etc. So I thought to myself, why not give it a go to see if I can fall in love with him, bc he is so special....
I mean, the guy is cute but I didn't like his nose, for example, and noticed that when I met him but thought I would overcome that with thime. His body was also not great tho I overcame that as I got to know him and the sex got really good after a while. But I kept thinking, I don't really like your face enough; I wished you looked differently - and that made me very anxious and so I gradually became less comfortable with him. It was only 20-30% of the time so the relationship wasn't that bad. But the problem is he started to really fall for me and would tell me he loved me and that scared me as I couldn't really say the same. He also started to suddenly have epylepsy attacks, which I thought were coincidental but now realise might have been caused by me and the fact I told him I wasn't attracted enough to him and wasn't sure I loved him... He tought he had brain cancer but after an MRI study, the doc said it was late epylepsy and caused by stress. He was, in a way, blackmailing me to stay with him - and this of course, wasn't good.
I started to realise it was better to leave him than to lead him on and hurt him badly. And so, after a few chats about this lack of attraction on my part, I decided to end things and he told me he was very hurt and could commit suicide, etc.
That left me feeling horribly as I really care about him and he is a great person - and we clicked really well on a personal level. This happened 4 days ago and I am still very affected about it. But hey, like one of the posts here says, it is unfair to be with someone you are not attracted (or fully attracted to for that manner) so I think I did the right thing. I have given him a chance to meet someone more appropriate, who will love him unconditionally - and me a chance to meet somoene I really want to be with. But what a shame!!! One thing's for sure, I will never get involved again unless I have physical infatuation. It's just too risky otherwise and,as you can see, the break-up can be extremely painful for both parties.

i dont think it will work in the long run because if your not attracted to your sig other then its hard to have sex with them and sex can ultimatly be a problem in the end, if your not completely happy, then find what makes your happy even if that means leaving that person

This happened to me - exactly! He told me he wasnt attracted to because i had gained alot of weight since he last remembered me (we hadn't seen each other in many years and had been in love in the past and tried again to see if it would work.) We are the best of friends and I love him and very attracted to him, but reality hit when he told me that. It was like a slap in the face, and it hurt like no other break up. But I joined the gym the next day and have been working out like crazy to get back to my normal size. But not for him. For me. I believe that no matter how fat or how thin, he is not attracted to me and that will not change, for his mind is made up. I do this for me, as a reminder for future relationships that men are very VISUAL, and whether anyone agrees or not, they aren't going to look past what they see. Especially if they are attractive themselves. I broke it off with him because I know you can't force relationships. Never in the past had i had problems with sexual attractive, but it was in finding that emotional attraction that had been my problem. I hope that someday, I will find someone where both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL attraction are at their greatest from both him and I, because I refuse to settle for anything less.

I met the love of my life when I was 24...he was 19...we fell in love almost instantaneously upon meeting...I remember the first time I ever noticed him...he was reading on a bus, and I was instantly drawn to him. Then he entered a debate that was happening on the bus and I was floored by his intelligence...there was practically a magnetic attraction between us. We dated for a few years, our love was passionate, we fought frequently but made up passionately. We had pretty decent sex even though he was fairly inexperienced when we met. All I know is that we had sex constantly, to the point of my room-mate complaining that the apartment was shaking.

Eventually, it became clear that the relationship couldn't have a future, because although we were engaged at one point, he couldn't get past my sordid sexual history...that freed me to move from Boston to New York, and although we weren't officially dating, we saw each other every week-end for eight months, as I retained my Boston job for some time. I had stopped having sex with him, not because I didn't want to, but because I'd had unprotected sex with someone and I had no desire to endanger my ex. I never told him the reason, I just told him that I didn't want to have sex unless we were dating.

Eventually, we saw less of each other, and I dated someone who was essentially a sexual beast. No substance, all sex...just straightforward, hetero, no-fuss, no-muss SEX. I'd never quite experienced that before, and my passion for the love of my life began to wain. Once when he visited me he wanted to fool around but I just wasn't mentally there any more, and he became extremely agitated and cut his hand purposely. We spent the day in the emergency room. Yikes.


We did fool around once or twice after that, but the chemistry for me had completely dissipated, as I had dated a series of men that I'd had quite a bit of chemistry with. However, despite arguments and tension, the two of us remained extremely close, and he was always there for me if I was in need or my heart was broken. He always claimed he would move to New York and that we'd be room-mates, but he never did.


Eventually, after four years, I moved back to Boston for a year, but we hardly saw each other. When we did it was tense, filled with angst and tears, and awful. I still was deeply in love with him on some level, but he had completely shut himself down emotionally and was cold and detached. I saw him the day before I moved to Los Angeles, and he was as caring as he ever was. It was clear that we cared for each other, but that many issues would remain unresolved. I think he always loved me, but for various reasons wished that he didn't, and forced himself to be detached alot of the time...this led me to pine for him on an emotional level, but divorce myself from the physical side of things.

In Los Angeles I dated someone for a few months, and then my sister got married on the East Coast. My ex was my wedding date, and he got extremely intoxicated and while we were dancing tried to kiss me, and told me that he'd always missed me. I was kind of floored, because it was something I'd always wanted to hear, but we met when I was 24, and I was now 32. We remained in touch over the phone, but he again became extremely distant when I told him that I thought it was probably too late to have that kind of relationship. This hurt me terribly, as he was my best friend and the person I love most in the world for the past eight years. He begged me to just "let him go..." but I never understood why we couldn't just be friends.

One random day after I'd been living in Los Angeles for a year, he called and asked me what I'd think if he moved out to Los Angeles...I was at an extremely low point in my life, having recently been dumped and just feeling sort of lost. I was extremely excited and said that we could "see what happens." I think I knew in my heart that I couldn't feel the way I'd once felt about him again, but I also felt like we both needed each other. He needed to get out of Boston, and I just needed someone close to me in my life, as I have a tendency to isolate myself in dark periods of my life. I had also been fantasizing about him sexually, and on a previous visit we had fooled around a bit, so I thought, what the heck? Give it a shot.

He came out to Los Angeles, and against my better judgment we got a cheap "temporary" one bedroom apartment. Of course, cut to one year later, and we're still in it. We fooled around some, and even had sex a few times since he came out here. Initially I was aroused, as I had been fantasizing about him, and I simply incorporated the fantasy right into my reality. Sigh...the reality, alas, was a little different.

Yes, he was the person I'd fallen in love with, still intelligent, still the only person I'm completely comfortable with, but the years had not exactly been kind to him. I don't mean physically. Physically he was always fairly lean, a great-looking guy. I just mean that some spark in him seemed gone. Once upon a time he was exciting, so so so bright, willing to strike up an ideological or political argument with anyone. He was charming, social, charismatic and seemed destined for greatness. I always thought he leave the country to start a revolution somewhere...he was that kind of charismatic. And super-caring and intense about world issues. I mean, when I met him, I really swooned over him. I just thought he was incredible.

But now he seemed...mousy. Kind of weak and bitchy. Still the same concerns, but he never, ever DID anything about them. He'd been in and out of school forever, working computer jobs and living in the same town he'd been in since he was eleven until I "rescued" him. He didn't have that badass style that he had when we met: the boots, the rolled up dockers. He just seemed kind of "beaten" by the world. Not sexy. Nothing about him would I be attracted to if I met him today, other than his fantastic brain. But he'd never really DONE anything with it. I wonder had we lived together and supported each other all those years, would things be different? Maybe. We were good for each other, in that sense.

Anyways, the moral of this diatribe is that I now live with the love of my life, and I'm sickened by the thought that maybe I just dragged him here, pushing him into ten thousand dollars worth of debt in the process, to ultimately damage his self-esteem even further, as I have virtually no desire to sleep with him anymore. I truly wish that I did, but every time we attempt to be intimate, I go completely uncomfortable and stiff. I'm not aroused at all. Even the slightest. It's awful. We had sex a number of months ago, when I became extremely drunk and could get out of my own head about it.

The crazy thing is that I still love him more than anyone. I have so much affection for him, but it's become almost the affection a mother would have for her son. I want to kiss him and hold him and caress him and provide for him...I just don't want to have sex with him and I don't find anything about him to be sexual or erotic. This basically sucks because I'm 34 and I just don't have the gumption to go out and date much anymore. My heart has been broken so many times and each time it hurts just as much as it did the first time, and quite frankly, I'm over it. None of my relationships flourish and are sustainable, and now, finally, cruel joke, the love of my life comes back and I'm dry as an Ethiopian riverbed.

I love him so much, and I'd like to continue to live together as room-mates...I'd even consider having children with him...I just don't want to have sex. I know he's extremely hurt by this rejection, and that he's carried a torch for me all these years, even though he'd never fully admitted it. He's never really dated outside of our relationship, just one girl to my knowledge, between then and now, so I feel even more horrible about somehow keeping this torch lit and possibly making him miss out on years of dating in his prime. Now he's 28, and he's just not that sexy hottie he once was. I guess I shouldn't blame myself for that, as I dated and encouraged him to as well, but one of the things I always loved about him was his ferocious ethic, and how he never would do something he didn't strongly believe in, so if he was secretly keeping the torch for me, I guess he would have been unable to date anyone else.

Oy vey. So there he is, in the next room. We spend our days alternately being huggy and lovey-dovey, and then him being a little more reserved and hurt, and saying "uggh" whenever I try to give him a hug or a kiss. I'm not sure what to do, because we are intensely close and good for each other on one level, but possibly holding each other back from other relationships on another level. I don't want him to feel that living with me is some kind of karmic punishment. I'm sure in the end that it will make the most sense to go our separate ways, but that's so much easier said than done. I've never met anyone else who I've gotten along with so innately. We are completely comfortable with each other, and "get" each other on an intimate level that I've never experienced, before or since.

I don't want to give him up. I love him so so so much. I just don't want to have sex with him.

WOWWWW I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE OUT THERE BUT ANYWAY I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING THE LUV OF MY LIFE LOOKS LIKE AN OLD NINJA TURTLE!! HE HAS A LITTLE HEAD A TURTLE SHELL BACK AND A TURTLE MOUTH!! BUT HE IS THE MAN OF MY DREAMS BECUZ HE LOVES ME AND TREATS ME WITH RESPECT BUT AT THE SAME TIME I HAVE A REPUTATION TO MAINTAIN IN MY COMMUNITY!! I AM A BEAUTIFUL BLACK GIRL BUT IVE ALWAYS DATED WOMINIZERS AND IM TIRED OF THAT I REALLY WANT REAL LOVE WHICH I FOUND BUT EVERYTINE I SEE HIM I THINK OF NINJA TURTLES AND HIS THUMS HAVE A BIG KNOT I GUESS THATS IS HIS JOINT BUT ITS NOTA PRETTY SIGHT!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEAZZEEE HELP ME, I DONT WANT BABY TURTLES BUT I WANT LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

It wouldn't work for me...it's part of the whole package. Weather I'm attracted first 100% or realize as I grow to love someone that they are beautiful to me...either way...it becomes one and the same!

I'm in a similar situation at the moment, and have been since I met him. I am 26 years old and I've been seeing my partner for a year and a half now. He is such a great man and amazes in every way. I do love him but I question sometimes whether I truely love him unconditionally. Physically I do find him attractive but I dont feel completely comfortable when we go out. My partner is not the type of guy I would go for (some part peronality but mainly physically) and this is what make me uncomfortable. He is an athelete and works out regularly, very independant, shows me alot of respect, is very honest and loving.

However, now we are contemplating getting married, it has been a few months since we have talked about it. Our families have met on a few occasions. My partner wants to get married and tells me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. My folks want me to marry him and are to some point planning my wedding (ie decorating house, looking for venues etc).. but my gut feeling is up and down. We get on fantastic albeit our disagreements and arguments like any other normal couple, but I sometimes I really dont see myself with him long term. The idea of spending your life with someone you love should make you feel happy and make you naturally look forward to the future..but i dont feel like that. I see other attractive guys and think to myself thats the type of guy (not necessarily attractive everybody) that i have always seen myself with. This is what i'm struggling with. I can not completely agree to marry him whole heartedly or completely work away from this relationship. I have tried to and we have been through somerough patches but we always end up back with eachother.

I understand the whole concept of being with someone and marrying them whole heartedly, but I'm stressed out to whether I will ever accept him completely for who he is.

How do you talk to him/her about it.

That lack of attraction is affecting my relationship romantically. I love her dearly but don't know if I can fully commit to a sexual relationship because (ok call me very shallow) she has put on a lot of weight since I met her and her skin has deteriorated. I try my hardest to look past these things but am confronted with them everytime I look at her.

I don't want to end a relationship based on looks. She is perfect for me in every other way.

This happened to me - exactly! He told me he wasnt attracted to because i had gained alot of weight since he last remembered me (we hadn't seen each other in many years and had been in love in the past and tried again to see if it would work.) We are the best of friends and I love him and very attracted to him, but reality hit when he told me that. It was like a slap in the face, and it hurt like no other break up. But I joined the gym the next day and have been working out like crazy to get back to my normal size. But not for him. For me. I believe that no matter how fat or how thin, he is not attracted to me and that will not change, for his mind is made up. I do this for me, as a reminder for future relationships that men are very VISUAL, and whether anyone agrees or not, they aren't going to look past what they see. Especially if they are attractive themselves. I broke it off with him because I know you can't force relationships. Never in the past had i had problems with sexual attractive, but it was in finding that emotional attraction that had been my problem. I hope that someday, I will find someone where both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL attraction are at their greatest from both him and I, because I refuse to settle for anything less.