- NEW!
by Grandma Roses - my avatar is my real dog on June 13th, 2006
Here is a somewhat dissenting opinion.
Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for not fulfilling his needs. I know that some of the other answers to this question imply that if a man's needs are fulfilled in the relationship, he won't go looking at/for pornography. This makes a woman feel like she isn't doing enough.
Don't fall for that line - it's one of the oldest in the book . It's like telling the husband of a shopaholic, that if only he earned more money, his wife wouldn't feel so insecure that she tries to resolve her insecurity by purchasing things that make her feel more secure.
It was explained to me many years ago by a counsellor, that some people are such bottomless pits of need - whether emotional, sexual, etc. - that no partner can fulfill them and they will only exhaust and damage themselves by trying to do so.
If you have told him that it bothers you a lot, he apologizes and then keeps doing it, it says more about him than it does about you. He has a problem both with honesty and with self-control. It's his problem and there is very little you can do to resolve it, unless he takes ownership of the problem. Even then, you can only help somewhat, you can't do it by yourself. On the other hand, if he is lying by telling you that he won't do it anymore when he has no intention of stopping, he is disrespecting you mightily and that's another problem that he has to take responsibility for.
Women easily fall into the trap of feeling responsible for a man's behaviour - the other answers to this question illustrate just how pervasive the belief is that a husband wouldn't 'go looking' if he was 'getting it' at home. In my opinion, that's a load of hooey.
If after going for personal and marriage counselling, you cannot come to a real resolution to this, it may be time to realize that there is more separating you than just this one issue. Then it may be time to close the door on the relationship and move on.
---
copied from the comment thread because I believe that it is most relevent:
I have deliberately not addressed the actual pornography issue in my answer. The issue could be anything from agreeing to get a job and then staying home all day playing video games to running home to mamma whenever things get tough. The point is that the husband agreed to the boundary that was so important to his wife and then flagrantly disregarded the agreement (and her feelings.)
by pathfinder on September 3rd, 2007
You are assuming that watching pornography is a problem per se. It isn't. the problem here is that (1) the wife puts here nose in places where it doesn't belong and gives her husband the third degree about it. (2) the husband lies about it.
.
The wife should not be invading her husband's privacy--yes, even after marriage we maintain our right to privacy.
.
The husband should be up front about his desire to watch pornography and should never lie to his wife about it.
by patpatroney on September 4th, 2007
Stop bothering him about. Don't make him feel guilty just because you (a) are jealous of the computer screen (b)you are afraid he will get ideas that you do not wish to fulfill.
.
It's not a big deal. It's just a movie and some gys get off from watching. Just like some girls get off from showing. It's in our natures.
by Azraff on November 24th, 2006
I guess I would rather have a man look at pornography once in a while, instead of go with a girlfriend. Believe me, I've been there. Why worry about it?
by Seanette on June 14th, 2006
A friend of mine is dealing with this currently. Her husband refuses to give any time or attention to her emotional needs, then gets angry with her because she has problems getting physically interested in someone who treats her as an unwanted intruder except when he wants sex. He chooses to stay up so late that his job (and his safety while driving) are at risk because he won't get enough sleep, just so he can hit the porn. As far as I can tell, men with a porn habit don't want a live female human being (after all, she might actually need him to put out some effort!), they just want body parts. My friend is seriously questioning whether she *can* love a man who has so little affection or regard for her, and I'm not sure I know what to tell her.
by ConfusedOne on September 13th, 2006
I have also found pornography on my boyfriends computer. He tells me that he will stop, but I find more all of the time. He makes it seem like it is no big deal and that I am making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. We hardly ever have sex anymore and I believe this is because he would rather look at porn than me. I told him if he finds porn more attractive than me than he should just tell me that and I could stop worrying about it. I love him and I really want to work things out, but I don't want to feel like he would rather be looking at someone else other than me.
by snaker on November 25th, 2006
Leave him alone unless it is child porn or he's trying to meet people. If not, then he's just like every other strait guy & needs to jerk off a few times a day. He's probably been doing it since adolescence & it's normal. Look at it this way, If he does that 1st, he'll last longer for you.
by Anonymous on November 25th, 2006
It's not a big deal. Most people (male & female) look at or have looked at porn. As long as he's not acting out by meeting people, it should be no big deal. Have you ever considered asking him what he finds so appealing about it? Perhaps it could be something you two can share as a turn on.
by in the same boat on April 8th, 2007
My husband is, I think, a porn addict. He now uses porn and tells me he "has no libido and has seemed impotent "to me" for a long time. He tried pills but now doesn't even bother with that. We got to the edge of a divorce and he promised no more porn (this occurred twice). I just put a content block program on my home computer and will put on our second computer shortly.
If he refuses councelling to correct this problem I feel the marriage is effectively over.
With regard to monitoring him "like a child", I wouldn't condone heroin in my home either unless I wanted to be an enabler.
ps. I'm no ice cube!
by APACHEmeansENEMY on August 7th, 2007
first thing...ask yourself why this bothers you so much...is it excessive? is he neglecting you to look at porn? this may be something you will have to accept about your husband...it sounds like it may be a compulsive behaviour (esp. if he is apologizing and then turning around and doing it again)my advice to you would be to keep the lines of communication open...its the only way to resolve this issue..and please dont listen to the advice given to you that indicates that this is either your fault or that you are lacking in some way. thats bs. your husband looks at porn cause he gets off on it. that has nothing to do with you.
by alieninastrangeland on April 10th, 2007
He is probably addicted if:
He gets angry and makes excuses like "12 million men do it so what's the problem?"
OR
if he uses it instead of having sex with you OR as a prelude to sex with you OR if it seems to be changing his opinion of women OR if he says he no longer finds you physically attractive when he never expressed dissatisfaction with your appearence before.
Men, ESPECIALLY pre internet men seem to get addicted to the fantacy more. Maybe because of the annonymous nature of internet porn. In their heads they can still be young and actually have an errection that might last more than 2 minutes.
And as long as they pay for "premium time" the "girls" will lie to them all they want.
Tell him no more porn in the home, install content block and INSIST on councelling. If he won't admitt he has a problem and won't agree to remedial councelling etc.,----bye bye you sad sad excuse for a real man.
by Wendora on November 25th, 2006
You sound more like his mother than his wife. Are you discussing why he feels compelled to visit these sites? Are you a frigid ice cube in the bedroom? Why are you snooping around? This lack of trust is an issue. I don't poke around in my husband's computer, he is a grown man. I would suggest some marriage counseling so you can get a the root of your situation rather than you trying to monitor him like a bad child.
by Clark Cox on June 13th, 2006
First, you need to explore why it is that the pornography is a problem for you. There is nothing inherently wrong with porn, it is a tool; nothing more. If it is affecting your life in other ways (i.e. he prefers masturbation to actual human intimacies, or he spends too much money on porn, etc.) then there is indeed a problem, and he should seek professional help; as this could indeed be an addiction. If, on the other hand, there are no other problems stemming from this, then it is really unfair to expect him to give this up (just as it would be unfair to force a woman to give up her vibrator(s) ).
EDIT:
Steffie12, of course you should be allowed to have a vibrator. If he's unwilling to see that then he doesn't deserve your attention.
eternal0void, are you claiming that male masturbation doesn't "keep the 'equipment' in working order" in the same way as female masturbation?
EDIT:
eternal0void, sorry, I thought th e"idiot" you were referring to was me, and that you were claiming that a vibrator was OK, while porn was not.
by Persky Bunkermeister on June 12th, 2006
You should talk about why it bothers you so much, and perhaps acknowledge that there's something about your husband that you're going to have to learn to cope with. If you want your husband to change, then you'll have to figure out a way to get him more interested in your limits. Perhaps there's a way for both of you to find what you're really looking for.
by Anonymous on September 3rd, 2007
Maybe you should take a look with him. I had that issue with my husband for a while. then I took a look at what he was looking at,and I gotta tell ya, our sex life is amazing now. He has no reason to go anywhere else. Insecurity may be your issue.
by MvL on August 30th, 2007
Okay, here's a question coming out of left field maybe - why does it bother you?
Many couples embrace a little pornography, especially videos / DVDs, to "get in the mood" and enhance love-making. Sometimes it helps to spice things up and keep sex interesting.
I understand that you might disapprove of pornography, or even feel hurt, as though there's something wrong with you that makes him collect this stuff. And you should forget those thoughts - there's nothing wrong with you at all!
However, instead of judging your husband for it, ask him in a genuinely curious, non-judgemental way why he feels he needs this porn - what is he getting out of it? I know you may have your ideas, but ask him, openly and honestly. It's a fair question.
If it doesn't strike you as horrifically offensive, express an interest in it yourself.
You can also always turn it around on him. Ask him how he'd feel if you had some nude, sexually provocative pictures taken of yourself, both for him, and maybe to post online or to send to major pornographic magazines (you don't have to be serious, just see his reaction!). Ask him how he'd feel if you wanted to collect male pornography (like Play Girl, or naked men photos on the web). If either of these things bothers him, then you can play the "hypocrisy card" - if for some reason he would NOT be okay if you did these things, it should, if he has any brain, make him realize how this must be making you feel.
This doesn't have to be a serious problem, or marriage-ending, if you let yourself think a little outside the box, and open your mind a bit. There's even a chance that it could ultimately strengthen your marriage. But one thing is for certain - scolding him and making him apologize for having it will NOT stop him from looking for and storing it. That's just not how human nature works.
by Mini_kilt on April 19th, 2007
I'm surprised at the number of people that are bothered by this. My husband has porn and I don't mind a bit. He looks at it when I go on trips or am not around, or when we are too buzy to find time to be close. I think it is a normal part of being a guy and am secure enough in myself and our relationship to not be bothered by it. It is normal behaviour and does NOT mean he is not attracted to you or that he would rather be with somebody else, It just means he's not homosexual (unless of course, you find that kind of porn).
by hummingbird on November 27th, 2007
It sounds like your husband has a problem with porn. It is one of the most addictive things around today. It is actually designed to hook the viewer into coming back for more. More men and women are addicted to porn because it has become mainstreamed. What we are only starting to recognize are the ramifications of it in our lives and the availability of it on a daily basis with the click of a button. Promises made, intended to keep or not is one of the signs of addiction.
The guy (poster) who thinks it should be private and none of the wife's business I completely disagree with. Any time a man is overly involved in any other sexual outlet the relationship is going to be shortchanged. His desire for his partner is diminished through self gratification - so what is really left for the woman? Not much that is really even desirable as I have found that men that do engage excessively are far less satisfactory in bed. They are less likely to emotionally connect. They also end up thinking that women should want sex like in the porn videos. Have you ever noticed how these videos depict the woman doing everything to the guy AND having to do herself too! it makes for seriously selfish lovers in my opinion, not to mention that I doubt many woman like to stand on their heads while giving a BJ - not even the women in the films.
Key in former porn star's on your computer to see how damaged, degraded and humiliated the women that do these films really feel about themselves. it is pretty sad and every guy in America is being shown this is what we like.
WIFE - put a porn block on your computer, start looking up the damaging effects that porn is having on relationships at an alarming rate in this country and put your foot down. Women are too willing to say they are ok with this stuff when they really aren't. You can find all sorts of sources to help you on the computer. Good luck.
by lady love on September 8th, 2007
nothing I would not worry about my husband having porn on his computer its not like he is cheating on you with them why don't you put some pitchers of your self on the computer and see what happens
by haggis on June 14th, 2007
whats the problem? everyone needs their privacy and alone time. as long as it isn't child pornography or beastiality i don't see the problem. unless of course it is affecting your sex life or relationship with him...
by researcher for God on April 21st, 2007
He thinks it is his right to look at whatever he wants to. After all it is his computer.
INSTEAD of being angry tell him you don't like it and ask him why he wants to look at other women. Or softcore - hardcore porn...
by Urban Angel on April 11th, 2007
Men look at porn for a number of reasons which can include; a way to ecaspe life when it gets to hard for them, a quicker way to jack off, a way to release any tention they are under, porn is basicly a way for men to escape or do things faster. I am a person who is not happy about the whole porn thing but i guess that i have to deal with it as i understand why some men need to do it.
by Alienshroom on November 25th, 2006
YOU SHOULD GET A VIRUS PROTECTION PROGRAM QUICKLY or you will not have a computer much longer no matter what no one says!
by PixieDust_and_DemonHorns on August 30th, 2008
My husband doesnt like porn and neither do i....but if thats what you like then go for it but if it bothers you talk to him about it. The biggest problem i see with this is that he lied to you by saying he wouldnt do it again and doing it anyway. Trust is the number one thing in a relationship and one shouldnt ruin their partners trust
by HuckleberryTrish on October 5th, 2007
I came here looking for answers and got more questions. Maybe this might help...
I've delved into my boyfriend's porn using... i've asked questions: what do you like about it? what does it do for you? Rather than judge him, I want to understand him. I've broken up with him a few times over it and quite possibly it's ME that has to come to terms with it. He seems to have no problem with it. so therefore it's MY problem... right? Well, Yes and no... I need a partner that is willing to make it a safe environment for me to have a loving relationship with him. My demands do not seem great or earth shattering.
I think that most guys want to make their girl feel safe. right?? and the characteristics of a good partner is to make eachother's world an emotional safe haven for eachother. It all needs to be agreed upon...
For example: as of yet my boyfriend has not gotten rid of the hundreeds of porn mags that are stacked in his home office even though I have told him how it makes me feel ucomfortable and disrepected for the past EIGHT months. He also thinks that there is no problem staying home for entire Saturday realieving himself with porn for over 7 hours. So fine, apparently, he's not the partner I am looking for. It's easier for me to leave than those that are entrenched in a relationship with a porn addict... remember
1. It's NOT you.
2. It's him. He has the problem. he would have the problem if you were or weren't in his life.
3. It's no different than the effect that alchohol and drugs has on any relationship... the person using it is soooo blind as to how it is destroying their relationships. ANYTHING in moderation is OK... but when one needs to resort to lying in order to "use" needs to seek some help. They are putting their "using of porn" above your reationship and when that happens guess what they end up with... yup, whatever their true love is - whichever one they are willing to give up the other for... maybe leaving him would help him to seek the help he needs.
xoxo Trisha
by nycboy on September 18th, 2007
He is spanking the monkey, better than cheating, who cares
by DA BEN DAN yanggui zi on September 8th, 2007
teach him how to erase his browsing history.
by thedude on July 24th, 2007
Stop looking at porn as if it is bad...its a tool that makes masturbation easier, and it may be the only thing stoping him from going out to find another woman. Men are different than women...
by NeomiLatinCutie on April 27th, 2007
Well I think you are safe as long as he only looks at the menu but, doesn't eat...it is just him being a man. you have to remember it is only fantasy. Maybe sit down and watch it with him it could warm up your romance. I hope this doesn't offend you.
by .avallach on April 19th, 2007
It can be addicting, and he's likely just that - addicted. When he apologizes he probably feels really bad and means it when he says he won't do it again, then for whatever reason - bad day, hasnt had sex in a while, or just plain boredom - he goes back to it. And, he probably feels guilty about it even if you haven't caught him.
I think you should try and be understanding and know it probably isn't a reflection on you at all. Maybe tell him that you don't like it but if he feels the need to keep going back he should at least be honest about it.
by Philman on April 19th, 2007
I also was addicted to pornography. I would seek it out anywhere I could find it. When I got a computer and the Internet, it only got worse. Thanks to God and Christ I have overcome this evil and my life has taken many good turns since. Please, sit down with your husband and encourage him to seek help. Try and understand that he has a disease, no different that alcoholism or dependency on drugs. He need to seek professional help immediately. Try and work with him on this. Trust me, he needs your support. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. God bless.
by BeamnD on April 19th, 2007
I feel for you. I was in a similar situation. Your husband is addicted and will lie again, and again. You are impacted badly. It is a difficult call as staying will keep torturing you emotinally and diminish your self-esteem. I know I cannot live in such situation - but that is me. Blessings.
by turbowray on November 25th, 2006
There may be a chance of pop ups also, because some sites come with them. There are programs out there that can put programs into your computer (picutes, sales pitches, etc). What matters here, is if this habit makes you go without in any way shape or form. Some men have an increased sex life (with his wife), after being turned on by the pics. If you do not get anything, or very little, I would recommend counseling to your husband.
by retrobutionradio on December 4th, 2008
there are two reasons for this, either your husband has an addiction, or you both need to get more creative in bed, that helps...
by PetulantPekinese Peanut Puppy on November 25th, 2008
become a pornstar.
by Nightwatchdog on August 30th, 2008
Pass it off or divorce him - it's not likely he's going to change his habbits no matter how hard you bitch about it.
Sorry.
by The Jack Ruby on January 1st, 2008
i didnt know you could put porn INSIDE the computer
but obviously opening the whole computer to put porn in there is a waste of time when you can use the internet to look at boobs
by hummingbird on November 28th, 2007
Please this porn stuff is soooo stupid!!! AND NOT!!! Because it is so unhealthy. Guys are into it because of their own emotional impotency. I have watched it and think it is about as lame as it gets. The poor women are giving blow jobs while standing on their head, simultaneously giving another guy a hand job as well as having to do herself!!! Yeah, that's how i want to have sex----NOT. i might as well be myself if i have to do the job for me and expect nothing from the guy.
If men and women don't get that this is degrading to women then I feel sorry for you. Key in "former porn star" and you will see how devastatingly damaging this is to the women that are in the videos and that they too feel humiliated and degraded from it, sometimes vomiting between scenes. Anything that wrecks the life of the people performing is not healthy. 90% of the participants have acknowledged to being sexually ABUSED in their past.
WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!
by C-C. on November 27th, 2007
Put up pictures around the computer that would make him think twice about it. Pictures of your parents, his parents...
by Anonymous on November 2nd, 2007
I really don't know what's wrong with all these people who are accusing you of having self-esteem issues. I don't think women should be treated like objects for entertainment or gratification, and I don't know why any woman with any self-esteem would.
by NewBreed on October 25th, 2007
Uhhh...
How about "Let it go."
by saladeater on October 5th, 2007
Start doing something he doesn't like, and see how he feels about it. I didnt mind my boyfriend looking at porn when we first started dating, but now after we've been through so much and have gotten so close it makes me sad to think he'd rather see some other woman naked. Give him a taste of his own medicine
by curvy lass on October 1st, 2007
my husband was a porn addict and i being of an open nature tried to encompass his addiction into our lives so we could both be fulfilled but he wouldnt do it he wanted it to just be for him and at the same time ignored my needs in the bedroom which is so hurtful it rips a womans self respect apart. we had counselling but in the end the lady said he was only saying what he thought we wanted to hear that in fact he had no wish to give up or include me in his porno world.I was heart broken it is not a lot of fun to find that you mean so little to your partner. sometimes it is better to just walk away. sorry.
by calova on September 25th, 2007
Before you confront him about it again, try to see the situation in his shoes. It is said that planting the seed of pornography is highly addicting, and his mind may need to see that things without control. He probably wants to stop, but can't find a way to do it. I suggest you ask him what you can do to help, and why he likes to look at it, so you can find a way to get the addiction out of his head.
by Sheepingly needs no handy men only hugs on September 20th, 2007
Leave him :)
by DA BEN DAN yanggui zi on September 18th, 2007
show him how to delete his browsing history.
by Perfect Dark on September 18th, 2007
Just accept that he likes porn. The person here who said he may be a porn attic is probably overestimating his "addiction". It's not a bad thing and it is not cheating.
If he is like me, then those girls are just gris for his mill and are irrelevant otherwise unless there is one he really likes for whatever reason. I doubt he would dump you for one of them. 1. because they are probably not attainable to him and 2. He may not want to be with someone that has been with so many men for a relationship. I know I would only hit it and quit it.
Another thing: Isn't it rude and intrusive to be snooping around on his computer like that in his private files?
by freeze123 on September 3rd, 2007
leave him. you could do better. go get you hair and nails done, go tanning and show him what he is going to looze
by Gonzo on June 14th, 2007
If I was in your shoes, miss, I'd give the guy one more chance (1).
I, for one, would never do such a thing to my wife and that's not just because my "needs" are satisfied within our relatinship. I find it morally wrong to jack off to other woman when you're in a relationship. It's just unjustified! Ask him why he does it and tell him he's got one lat chance and stick to your word.
by ncage111 on June 14th, 2007
Learn to accept that he likes doing this..or leave
what are some good tips on giving a man good head?
by mixedchick on November 4th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
A Catholic Church owned publisher is reportedly selling Porn Novels. Does this surprise you?
by calicorey on November 6th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
Do you and your s/o watch porn together and how has that impacted your relationship?
by Don Quiote on October 31st, 2011
| 1 person likes this
Do you prefer skinny, chubby, or bbw's? (men or woman)
by notme on December 6th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
My boyfriend watches porn,sends and receives pics and video but I've totally lost any sexual attraction to him because of it. What to do?
by Tmarie27 on November 12th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
You're reading I have repeatedly found pornography in my husband's computer. When I talk to him about it he apologizes says he won't do it again, but today I found some again. What should I do?
Your favorite Q&A site is on Facebook! Become a fan to connect with the ever-growing community of Answerbaggers, share your thoughts and find out what Answerbag's up to next!
Comments
The friend I referred to in my answer is so devastated by her husband's porn habit that her self-esteem is nil and she feels utterly worthless because of what he *chooses* to do rather than (gasp) work on the marriage.
by Seanette on June 14th, 2006
This is without a doubt the best answer.
by muguet on November 25th, 2006
Add to his porn stash with some clever photography and filmmaking, using yourself as the model/actress. Use a mask and temporary tattoos to prevent "accidental" Internet publishing from coming back to haunt you. I know I certainly enjoy that kind of thing, and it offers guilt-free porn to your husband. You can catch him looking longingly at YOU and he won't feel guilty for doing so.
by eternal0void on December 23rd, 2006
Great answer, +4
by Engeltje on April 19th, 2007
Good answer, Grandma Rose. No, eternaldavid, that's not the point and that does not work. The poin tis he's disrespecting the marriage. I know girls who have tried that only to get burned again. It actually feeds the addiction. Now if he would have come to her at the start of the relationship and asked for this before turning to porn that would be diffrent. He has stepped outside of the marriage and destroyed it mor ethen once. And noww you expect her to clean up his mess?
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on May 17th, 2007
Grandma Rose,if I could give you all the points I've earned since I've started here they would all be yours!!Great Answer..thanks.
by Babycakes on May 17th, 2007
I love this answer! I'm having issues with my boyfriend, too, and your advice applies wonderfully to my situation as well.
by Anonymous on July 3rd, 2007
Oh, god, Anonymous, I feel ya. This is something nobody should have to deal with. Get him some counceling and if he won't go cut your loses and count yourself lucky.
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on July 3rd, 2007
Great answer!
by AntigoneRising on July 23rd, 2007
Excellent--and thorough--answer. Bravo! I't his problem, in multiple dimensions--but both of them will have to get through it.
by Quiet Writer on September 1st, 2007
Excellent answer, Grandma! +6
by Shopping Sheryl - home from the hospital on September 3rd, 2007
You are assuming that watching pornography is a problem per se. It isn't. the problem here is that (1) the wife puts here nose in places where it doesn't belong and gives her husband the third degree about it. (2) the husband lies about it.
.
The wife should not be invading her husband's privacy--yes, even after marriage we maintain our right to privacy.
.
The husband should be up front about his desire to watch pornography and should never lie to his wife about it.
.
Last: As I read the Question I do not see that the husband raised the issue of "getting enough." He did not rationalize his desire to entertain himself by asserting that if he "got more at home" he wouldn't watch. This woman never asserted that she "felt" responsible. Those were all Grandma's ideas.
by pathfinder on September 3rd, 2007
Wrong! In a marriage there can be no secrets. There is no real privacy once you say "I do". It's an all or nothing thing or there is no trust or respect. There also must be boundries over what is and isn't acceptable. He is violating those boundries. What he does for entertainment especially if he goes outside of the marriage for sexual gratification does affect not only her, but their relationship as a whole. She has ever right to know what is going on in their sex life. She also has just as much say in it as he does. Ned of story.
By the way the more we learn about ponography's affect on men the more we learn it is damaging to them. It litterly ruins their ability to sexual mature or to have sexual empathy fo their partner. It truely makes them poor husbands.
If you would hav read Grandma's answer she was talking about the people on here not the husband and not her.
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on September 3rd, 2007
Shoot that should have said "End of Story".
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on September 3rd, 2007
Way to go, Princess Pasobrio!
by Shopping Sheryl - home from the hospital on September 3rd, 2007
Great comeback PP and I agree 100%....there are no secrets in a marriage and if you have to sneak around and do those things then you shouldn't be doing them. If his marriage is important to him then he should do whatever it takes to make her happy...she is uncomfortable with porn then ditch it to make her happy.
by Babycakes on September 3rd, 2007
Thanks, guys. I guess he didn't read all of Grandma's answer since that's alomst exactly what she said too. Damn that reading only the first paragraph and make assumptions from there.
Guys have got to start learning that marriage is a partnership in which you have to make sacrifices and not all of them are going to be to their liking. Just like not all of them are going to be for her benifit. If you're not willing to fully follow "forsaking all others" you shouldn't get married at all. That marriage needs to come before his "fun" just like it does for her. After all we are fully willing to give up other men for the rest of our lives.
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on September 3rd, 2007
Sing it, sister!
by Shopping Sheryl - home from the hospital on September 3rd, 2007
Oh, you don't want me to sing. I can't carry a tune in bucket with a lid, but you know I will preach to the choir anyday. Can I get a "Glory, Glory, Hallafrickinglulla!"
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on September 3rd, 2007
Glory, Glory, Halle-fricking-lujah, and AMEN!
by Shopping Sheryl - home from the hospital on September 3rd, 2007
Thank you, Sister Sheryl. Amen! Or as I would say "Blessed Be!"
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on September 3rd, 2007
The Princess asserts that "he is violating those boundaries." Were these "boundaries jointly arrived at? Or has the wife unilaterally decided that hubby must not do this or that? Boundaries, if set, should be mutually agreed upon.
.
It is true that I am a a fast reader and that I do tend to skim. So, I re-read the Q and the A so heavily praised by so many ABers.I may be a careless reader too, but I do not see anyplace where Grandma says she is not talking about "the husband or her," but rather is talking about "the people on here."
.
No matter what is thought by many people marriage does not re-make men and women into new, well-varnished, perfect beings.
.
Mature men and women understand that we are separate beings with needs that often differ. We accept those differences and sometimes even take joy in them.
.
You can join the army if you want to be cut from the same cloth as the person next to you. What makes you so fear differences?
by pathfinder on September 4th, 2007
pathfinder - go back and re-read the question. He agreed to stop and then ignored the agreement. HE AGREED. If he didn't want to agree, he shouldn't have agreed.
I have deliberately not addressed the actual pornography issue in my answer. The issue could be anything from agreeing to get a job and then staying home all day playing video games to running home to mamma whenever things get tough. The point is that the husband agreed to the boundary that was so important to his wife and then flagrantly disregarded the agreement (and her feelings.)
by Grandma Roses - my avatar is my real dog on September 4th, 2007
I agree with Pathfinder that the boundries in a relationship must be mutally agreed on. However, if something you are doing cause harm to the relationship as this is you must leave it behind. Jay and I called it the "Rule of No". Basiclly "No" wins in a disagreement over boundries. He had his and I had mine and we both respected the others boundries.
look at paragraphs number one and two again.
Here is a somewhat dissenting opinion.
Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for not fulfilling his needs. I know that some of the other answers to this question imply that if a man's needs are fulfilled in the relationship, he won't go looking at/for pornography. This makes a woman feel like she isn't doing enough.
These are about the opions of the others' who posted and not about her and her husband.
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on September 4th, 2007
I also agree that a marriage doesn't automaticlly make people perfect. They do however have to show self control and respect in order to protect that marriage. To agree to stop doing something and to lie about it is a breach of trust no matter what it is. You can't have that in a marriage. If he didn't want to agree to it he should have been a man and said so. That way she could have had the chance to decide if it was worth staying or not.
Yes, we do have to accept each other's diffrences and we should not only respect them, but take joy in them. It'd be pretty boring to be with someone just like you. Jay and I were very diffrent personalities, but we did share the same goals as a couple.
As for the whole need thing this is not a need. Sexual intimacy is a need. Any thing else is a want. We have to except that not every want in our life is going to be fullfilled. Like I said a woman does not expect that her every want or even need is going to be fullfilled by her husband and she accepts that. She learns to do without. He should do the same for her.
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on September 4th, 2007
Excellent Answer. That Shopaholic analogy is really interesting.
by Anonymous on January 26th, 2008