The Lion and Albert by Marriott Edgar. Especially good fun since there IS now a wreck on the beach at Blackpool There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool, That's noted for fresh-air and fun, And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom Went there with young Albert, their son. A grand little lad was their Albert All dressed in his best; quite a swell 'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle The finest that Woolworth's could sell. They didn't think much to the ocean The waves, they was fiddlin' and small There was no wrecks... nobody drownded 'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all. So, seeking for further amusement They paid and went into the zoo Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els And old ale and sandwiches too. There were one great big lion called Wallace His nose were all covered with scars He lay in a som-no-lent posture With the side of his face to the bars. Now Albert had heard about lions How they were ferocious and wild And to see Wallace lying so peaceful Well... it didn't seem right to the child. So straight 'way the brave little feller Not showing a morsel of fear Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle And pushed it in Wallace's ear! You could see that the lion didn't like it For giving a kind of a roll He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im And swallowed the little lad... whole! Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence And didn't know what to do next Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert" And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!" So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom Quite rightly, when all's said and done Complained to the Animal Keeper That the lion had eaten their son. The keeper was quite nice about it He said, "What a nasty mishap Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?" Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!" So the manager had to be sent for He came and he said, "What's to do?" Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too." Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller I think it's a shame and a sin For a lion to go and eat Albert And after we've paid to come in!" The manager wanted no trouble He took out his purse right away And said, "How much to settle the matter?" And Pa said "What do you usually pay?" But Mother had turned a bit awkward When she thought where her Albert had gone She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed" So that were decided upon. Round they went to the Police Station In front of a Magistrate chap They told 'im what happened to Albert And proved it by showing his cap. The Magistrate gave his o-pinion That no-one was really to blame He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms Would have further sons to their name. At that Mother got proper blazing "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she "What waste all our lives raising children To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

Though The Tale of Sonia Snell, by Cyril Fletcher is a good standby! This is the tale of Sonia Snell, To whom an accident befell. An accident which may well seem Embarrassing in the extreme. It happened, as it does to many, That Sonia had to spend a penny. She entered in with modest grace The properly appointed place Provided at the railway station, And there she sat in meditation, Unfortunately unacquainted The woodwork had been newly painted Which made poor Sonia realise Her inability to rise. And though she struggled, pulled and yelled She found that she was firmly held. She raised her voice in mournful shout "Please someone come and help me out." Her cries for help then quickly brought A crowd of every kind and sort. They stood around and feebly sniggered And all they said was "I'll be jiggered." "Gor blimey" said the ancient porter "We ought to soak her off with water." The Station Master and the staff Were most perverse and did not laugh But lugged at Sonia's hands and feet And could not get her off the seat. The carpenter arrived at last And, finding Sonia still stuck fast Remarked "I know what I can do', And neatly sawed the seat right through. Sonia arose, only to find A wooden halo on behind. An ambulance came down the street And bore her off, complete with seat To take the wooden bustled gal Off quickly to the hospital. They hurried Sonia off inside After a short but painful ride And seizing her by heels and head Laid her face down on the bed. The doctors all came on parade To render her immediate aid. A surgeon said "Upon my word Could anything be more absurd, Have any of you, I implore, Seen anything like this before?" "Yes" said a student, unashamed, "Frequently... but never framed."

Patrick Henry's "Give me liberty, or give me death" speech from March 1775.

Bill Cosby. http://www.eightcitiesmap.com/transcript_bc.htm

I believe I would pick "The Comedy of Errors" by William Shakespeare. Regards.

I had to learn Portia's mercy speech from _The Merchant of Venice_. The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth, as the gentle rain from heaven, upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed; it blesses him that gives and him that takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest, it becomes the thro-ned monarch better than his crown. His sceptre shows the force of temp'ral power, the attribute of awe and majesty, Wherein does sit the dread and fear of kings: But mercy is above this sceptered sway; It is en-thro-ned in the hearts of kings, It is an attribute to God himself, And earthly power does then show likest God's When mercy seasons justice. [Addressing Shylock] Therefore, Jew, Though justice be thy plea, consider this: That, in the course of justice, none of us Should see salvation. We do pray for mercy; And that same prayer does teach us all to render The deeds of mercy. I have spoke thus much To mitigate the justice of thy plea, Which, if thou follow, this strict court of Venice Must needs give sentence 'gainst that merchant there. Remarks: I replaced the "doth"s in this speech with "does"es, and changed "blesseth" to "blesses", for this reason: I could do so without harming the blank verse Shakespeare used. I separated "thro-ned" and "en-thro-ned" into syllables to ensure that the lines remain in the meter characteristic of blank verse, and shortened "temporal" to "temp'ral" for the same reason. I kept "droppeth" from the speech because "drops" would not conserve the meter. "'gainst", as a contraction of "against", is self-explanatory.