Misstarrie, please nip this quickly. It's YOUR house, YOUR rules. If you wanted to be married to a boy, I'll give you my ex's number. Tell him he's a man & to have a God damn backbone or go back to his ex

I would not like it, nor would I accept it. It is not the ex-wife that is the problem..it is your husband who is the problem. You have to deal with that, Misstarrie..no putting it off on the ex-wife...your husband must be the one to stand up for you and back you up..if he is unwilling to do that because he is afraid of his ex-wife or whatever, then you have bigger issues to face than an ex-wife.

Well I don't feel comfortable giving advice with so little detail here... my intuition is that your husband isn't setting boundaries appropriately with his ex (the "she gives him no choice" bit). But what exactly does she try to dictate? Is it directly related to her daughter? She has parental rights and interest still, and y'all are obliged to try to be accommodating within reason. These are tough problems to work out, especially if you don't like his ex and can't find a way to work with her directly.

This must be a difficult situation for you. I think It's importanat to know a few things about children of divorce though. They need consistant rules and boundaries, and consistant routines and activities, especially when in a shared custody arrangment. These things are crucial for said children and can and will contibute to the affect the divorce has on the child. This does NOT mean that one parent gets the say over the other, in fact is it important for them to both have a say, Your Husband AND his ex-wife. It might be helpful to grab a book or two from the library about the unique needs of children of divorce, and then talk to your husband. I do understand your concerns but I don't think blaming him or going into the conversation hot-headed will do nothing but more damage to a bad situation. It is also VERY important that neither you or your husband undermine or talk down about the child's mother, just as important she does not do it to either of you.

I would not like it at all and would not hesitate to let both of them know. I would let her know that its my house and when she starts paying the bills for you, then she can maybe start making decisions.

There is no way on this planet another person will tell me what I can or cannot do and I would not remain in any house that my husbands ex was running. The bottom line is if you have done whatever you can to support the husband and help the child, there is little else you can directly do for them. If you are not prepared to walk out and find happiness elsewhere, then it might be worth a look into counseling for yourself to help you learn new and possibly better ways of coping with the issues that you are facing. You are in my thoughts and I love you dearly. Please do not let this situation continue to give you grief (((luv'n'hugs)))

objectively, i see a man that is stuck between to forces. he has his unique attraction to you and dedication. the expressed need to somehow work the situation out with you.then, there is this situation where there is no leeway, nothing much can be done . you may say, there is no real negotiation.which i am sure is understandable.however, it appears the boundaries are not set. he doesn't seem to have the idea that like work, somethings are not brought home. i guess it comes to a point of communication, where , you have to maintain your individual identity.that you are not part of that other world.that you are separate from the past he experiences when he is with or under that other person's influence. the easiest way is to just be yourself and be watch for any kind of trigger that the other person has trained him for. just offer him as you are.if you don't like something, as an individual you have more then enough right to express it.compromise comes from two sources not just one.hope this helps.

This may sound mean, but tell your husband to get some balls. She's his daughter too.

As someone who lives in a very similiar situation I can tell you now that you're not going to change your husband. He's controlled by the ex obviously and I'm sure he, just like my husband, will tell you he does what he does because he loves his child. Bullshit. My stepson is 8 yrs old. First grade he was absent 16 days, tardy 16 more. He reads on a 1st grade level at best. He doesnt play, never has. He sits on his butt and watches TV nonstop after sleeping for at least 12 hours each night. Like I told my husband, if you love your child you want them to be active, eat right, do well in school, so forth. Not this kid. He's a trophy child that she uses for a weekly check and he uses as an excuse to stay in touch with the whore who left him, FOR A MAN 12 YRS YOUNGER!!! Oh the list I could give you would have you thinking you dont have any problems. For the first six months of my marriage I had to sleep on the couch because my "hubby" needed to sleep with the child. He had his own room. Then recently I was told that he didnt like me, (the child), and didnt want me around. This of course was from his mother. So I would leave home every other weekend so he and his dad could sit and watch TV 48 hours straight. aid all this stuff? Hell no. He told me after a couple of weekends of my leaving that we couldnt have a marriage if I wasnt at home. So I came back home only to be ignored by him and the offspring. That too has been a constant for six years. My life is a nightmare and the 3 of them are the stars of the show.

Anonymous Nov, 08 2008 at 04:57 PM relationships require understanding and the ability to actually relate. You seem to have a lot of pent up hate there.demonstrated by the seemingly dictatorial method you have described.other then , oh the usual troll attack i see nothing of any help that would aide the question maker in securing a long term relationship. it would however cause more problems to directly address those things you so crudely highlight. i may be mistaken , but she doesn't seem to want to end the relationship, it appears that she wants to know how to work with it.respect is not always a clear cut thing. unjustifiable obedience and manipulative response is however. the other words you quip are all involving understanding..which requires a degree of tolerance on both ends. so, what i see is a person who has their own problems and used this to attack another responder. where exactly is the merit in that?

As the current partner/wife/girlfriend we have all made a choice. At one point we loved this man enough to agree to suck up the crazy woman on the other side and all that came along with her. I do not say that w/out experience. Someone mentioned boundaries, just because he sets them doesn't mean she will follow them, "don't call after 9:30 p.m" ring at 10 p.m...you have no control. We bought a phone that we can put on do not distrub. When we have the kids "please do not call 10 times a day to ask what they/we are all doing". 10:00 a.m. on Sunday the phone starts. When we have the kids for the weekend there is no house phone (they do not know we have a land line). Ex must call cell to speak to kids. Believe me if it were something important fine, and yes we let them speak to her, just not all 10, 20 times a day(No exaggeration). She tells him the kids can't be alone with me, can't ride in the car with me and many more. He has many choices, 1)listen to her, 2)do what he thinks is best when he has them and igmore her, 3)get in a huge pissing contest with her about it. The 3rd option is his business. If the kids go somewhere with me, you can bet if they mention it to mom he is going to hear about it, but this is after the fact, he has choices, listen to it or hang up. I have been in this for 18 mos. but in counseling for 8+ years. I have my own boundaries first, at first it was hard for him to understand...he felt that I was not being supportive when he wanted to come home and bitch for hours about her. Boundary 1.) Our (not my, not his). If it doesn't concern me I don't want to hear it. You (he)chose to be this "victim" you (he)chose to let her manipulate. SHe has tried all tactics. Suggesting she and I be friends for the sake of the kids. I tried that...when she saw that I still was going to listen to her bad mouth my fiance (her ex) or let her talk about their past, or listen to her tell me what a bad father he was, I again was the enemy. She has and is currently trying to get the kids to dislike/hate (whatever word you want to use)me. She says to dad on the phone while kids are present "you know she is mean to the kids" "you know she yells at them", the kids don't want to see you because she is there. NONE of which are true. You have to stay empowered, meaning you must make sure you are emotionally and physically capable of dealing with him, her the whole kit&kaboodle. You are not being selfish, how can you be supportive of your relationship with him if you aren't ok yourself.

You have to get a backbone and tell him this is not going to happen in your house. If he wanted to listen to her, he should have stayed married to her.

If another female was setting up my house with her rules and such, as if she were playing a game of chess, I'd be majorly pissed off and worried that my man is more for her than he is for me. I mean, its his daughter too, right? If theres an agreement between the two of them over her, then I'd say let the other woman do what she wants when the daughter is under her roof, not yours. You should talk to your husband about this. He's not married to her anymore, he married you, and its not her house.

Well is it your house or their daughter she's taking control of? Those are very different things. She has first say when it comes to their child.

If your husband won't do anything there is nothing you can do. I am in the EXACT SAME situation with an 18 (since Feb. of this year) year old stepdaughter. We even got custody last year and my husband did nothing about the ex running the show, either directly or by undermining him/us. From the time she was 14 until she came to live here, her mother would not let my husband have his full weekends, saying that SD had to babysit her siblings (not my husband's children), and after my husband and I married, when confronted about the weekends and letting SD stay here with me if my husband was at work, she said that I am not family and that SD would not be allowed to spend time alone with me. Then she took husband back for more child support without notice and lied about her own income (for determination of support) when we went to court for custody (while pending, SD lived here and we still had to pay her) Now she is back living with her mom, has no rules, and is about to flunk out of high school. She only comes around for money or if she needs something, never returns calls, and never shows up when she says she is going to be here. This has been a problem since a few months after she came to live here - my husband refused to set rules, or enforce ones that he had set. He refused to punish her for anything. As a matter of fact, he still pays for her phone (that she doesn't answer when he calls), gives her allowance, pays her car insurance, and hasn't taken her car away. We have seen her twice since her birthday. My husband and I have been fighting nonstop about his inaction - and I told him that he either needs to stop enabling her, or stop enabling his daughter to fail (by not taking the car/phone/whatever) We still have legal custody until she graduates. I feel like I am married to a doormat - and I don't like it. I have been going to counseling, and taken him and SD to counseling, but I end up the bad guy because I seem to be the only one with a problem about the "arrangement" where she is in control.

Well, in all fairness, that is HER daughter your talking about. You really can't stop a mother from saying what goes on with her own daughter. However, anything else that goes on in your household is none of her business whatsoever so long as it causes no harm to her daughter.

First of all "THEIR" child not yours. This is called co-parenting which does not include you. You knew they had a child and they will always have a bond because of that child. It is up to them on communicating for the best interest of that child and making those decisions between "THEM" and not you. You keep it up and she can arrange visitations where you can not be present like in supervised visitations.