when you get into a relationship with someone who as children, you need to realise that the children will always come first. imagine you in your husbands situation. can you not spend time together? you your husband and your stepdaughter? that way you can all be together and then you wont feel left out.

That's a bit self-centred, learn to love that kid.

Forty years ago I didn’t get along with my stepfather. I wrote this about him in 2005. http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20050619 Here’s what needs to be discussed on stepfamilies. LIVING IN STEP-FAMILIES: PRE-MARITAL EXPECTATIONS Before any couple "ties the knot" they should talk about what they expect from each other and from their marriage. When the marriage will create a step-family, this is especially important. People considering marriage often have different ideas of what they expect from each other. Discussing expectations prior to taking that big step will help a couple set realistic goals and make realistic commitments to each other. This guide, designed specifically for prospective step-families, will aid you and your children in discussing ideas and making plans for a satisfying family life. Creating a successful step-family environment can have many rewards for its members, but it requires more than love and good intentions. Flexibility, commitment and realistic expectations will all contribute to a successful step-family. Developing realistic expectations involves understanding and accepting the ways a stepfamily structure differs from that of a first-time family. An understanding of these differences will help create a satisfying marital relationship and family life. A remarriage occurs only after a marriage ends, either through death or divorce, and dreams of marrying and living "happily ever after" have been shattered. Because of this, parents and children often must deal with feelings of sadness, anger, hurt and disillusionment. These feelings must be overcome before children and adults can trust and have faith in new relationships. Also, because the parent-child bond originated before the new couple's relationship, stepparents join a family that already has loyalties, traditions, and roles established. Stepparents sometimes feel like outsiders. Children in step-families have had to cope with the partial or complete loss of a parental relationship. There is a biological parent, in memory or in actuality, who is still important to the child, and who will have an influence on the new step-family. Children remember "how my mom did it when she was alive," or that "Dad always lets me stay up late at his house." Because children may spend time in two different households with different rules and expectations, they need to learn how to make smooth transitions. They may experience loyalty conflicts not realizing you can love two people (e.g., father and stepfather) in the same role. They may need to learn how to deal with the differences in values and lifestyles between the two homes. Another structural difference must be considered before forming a step-family. A newly married couple usually has time to get to know one another gradually and make marital adjustments before adding a child with the accompanying new roles and responsibilities of parenthood. With remarriage, one is a new spouse and a parent or step-parent from the start. Because of this added complexity, it is especially important to discuss expectations and make plans for the transitions involved. Such planning has the potential of reducing stress for the couple and their children. Despite the complexities, (and sometimes because of them), a healthy step-family can provide many rewards and satisfactions for step-family members. For adults, remarriage can provide a new opportunity to develop a satisfying intimate relationship. For children who have witnessed the failure of their biological parents' relationship through divorce or have experienced the pain of a parent's death, witnessing their parent's satisfying remarried relationship can renew their faith in close interpersonal relationships. PRE-MARITAL DISCUSSION QUESTIONS Personal Goals and Expectations Jobs Household Arrangements Financial Matters Children Relationships With Others Communication Sexual Expectations UNDERSTANDING YOUR ANSWERS Personal Goals and Expectations Jobs Household Arrangements Financial Matters Children Relationships With Others Communication Sexual Expectations THE CHILDREN References Currier, Cecile (1982). Learning to Step Together : A Course for Step- family Adults, Step-family Association of America, Inc., 28 Allegheny Ave., Suite 1307, Baltimore, MD 21204 Coleman, M. and Ganong, L. (1987). An evaluation of the step-family self-help literature for children and adolescents. Family Relations, 36 (1), 64-65. Mills, David M . (1984). A mode l for step-family development. Family Relations, 33, 365-372 Visher, Emily & Visher, John (198 2). How to Win as a Step-family, new York: December Books Email me at George_McCasland@yahoo.com to receive the full document.