by 
amilynn80
ANSWERS: 22
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What kind of socks do pirates wear? Arrrrrgyle
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these three strings want to go to a bar but the bartender doesn't allow strings inside. they decide to go for it. the first string goes in, sits down and orders a soda. the bartender says "are you a string?" and he says "yes, i'm sorry" and leaves. the 2nd string decided to be a little more sly. he goes in, sits at the end of the bar in the smoke and shadows. but the bartender sees him and throws him out too. the 3rd string has a plan. he ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair and goes in. he sits down right in the middle of the bar, looks the bartender in the eye and orders a soda. the bartender says "no way, aren't you a string????" and the 3rd string says "nope, i'm a freyed knot."
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Why was the pie waiting on the corner? Because he was meetin' potato. (meat and potato) What goes "ooooo"? A cow with no lips.
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This is a "blond" joke (sorry): Someone asked the U.S. blond what was closer, the U.K. or the moon. She replied, "Duh, I can SEE the moon!"
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a pair of distraught looking jumper cables walks into a bar and takes a seat. the bartender looks at him and says "look pal, i'll serve you drinks but let's just get one thing straight, i DON'T want you starting anything!"
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Two snowmen standing in a field, one says "Thats funny, i can smell carrot too"
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Too...many...puns... Two peanuts were walking in New York City, and one was a salted (assaulted). Also, depending on your definition of clean... One day on his ship, a seaman noticed a pirate with a large wheel on the front of his pants. Perplexed, the seaman went up and asked, "What's that wheel doing on your pants?" and the pirate replied, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"
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Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny!
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This is what I call a 50/50 joke. Half the people I tell think it's hilarious, the others think it's beyond stupid. It's my favorite joke of all time. Two muffins are sitting in the oven, baking. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!" The other muffin points and says, "HEY, LOOK! A TALKING MUFFIN!" Yeah.
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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter. He isn't coming.
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what does lightning wear underneath his clothes? give up yet? THUNDERWEAR!! hahahahha i call that extremely clean!!
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lol this is considerable, what do you call a eskimoe withe pig tails? A snowblower
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"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and says to the bartender, "Bartender! Give me a beer!" The bartender stops cleaning the bar, looks at the bear, and shakes his head and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana." "BARTENDER..." the bear growled ominously, "Give me a BEER!" Sweat beading on his forehead, the bartender stammered, "I--I'm sorry, but we do NOT serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana...!" Enraged, the bear swipes his massive paw at an attractive woman seated at the bar, kills her, then gobbles her up in several meaty, chewy gulps!! "BARTENDER!" The bear exlaimed, "NOW will you give me a BEER???!" "I'm sorry," the bartender gasped, "We don't serve beers to drug addicts in bars in Billings, Montana." The bear, deadpan, looks at the bartender, looks at the pool of blood, then at the bartender again. "Drug addicts?! I am in partnership with a drug-free America! What do you mean drug addict??!" "Well," the bartender replied, meekly, "That was a bar bitch you ate................"
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Two guys walk into a bar. The second guy should have known better.
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knock knock whos there im here woohoo
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Blind Golf A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (Silence!) PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?
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One lovely evening, the detective Sherlock Holmes and his trusty friend Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After having dinner and drinking a few glasses of wine, they became tired and went to sleep. A couple hours passed and Sherlock Holmes awoke, and shortly thereafter woke Dr. Watson as well. He said, "Watson, look up, and tell me what you see." Dr. Watson replied, "Well, sir, I see millions of stars in the sky." Sherlock Holmes asked, "And what does that tell you?" Dr. Watson paused for a moment and said, "Well, astronomically it tells me that there are billions of stars and possibly millions of galaxies in the universe. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Horalogically I can deduce that it is approximately quarter past three in the morning. Theologically it symbolizes that God is magnificent and that we humans are small and insignificant in the universe. And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." To which Sherlock Holmes replied, "No, stupid! Someone has stolen our tent!"
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A beach tree and a birch tree standing in a forest, arguing over a tree sapling. "It's mine!" says the beach. "No, man, it's definitely mine." says the birch. Back and forth like this. A woodpecker flies by and one of the trees asks him, "Hey, woodpecker! Will you tell us what kind of baby tree that is down there?" The woodpecker flies down, pecks away awhile. Keeps pecking away for a long time. Finally, the woodpecker flies up and says, "It's not a son-of-a-beach, it's not a son-of-a-birch. It's the best piece of ash I ever put my pecker in." That's clean, right? Right??
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Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?" "My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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She said, Johnny Deeper, so he went deeper.
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Bad News: Guy falls out of an airplane Good News: He has a parachute Bad News: Parachute doesn't work Good News: There's a haystack down below Bad News: There's a pitchfork in the haystack Good News: He missed the pitchfork Bad News: He missed the haystack
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