This is moni21. The question was cut off what I want to know is: Is what he did forgivable? Is this a minor or major setback?

those are questions only you can answer, unfortunately. really, what it boils down to is 1) can you really, truly forgive him? and 2) do you trust that he won't ever do anything like this again? these are both important. if you cannot forgive him, it will hugely sour your relationship. if he'll do it again, well, that just sucks. but if you can forgive him and move on from it knowing that nothing like that will ever happen again, the relationship is certainly salvageable from this setback. take some time and go with your guts . . . they work pretty well for these types of things. good luck!

Hi Mini21 I'm in a similar situation. I recently discovered that my partner of 7.5 years kissed a work colleague a few months ago. I know it is true that he never before cheated on me and that it stayed with a kiss, but I feel truly devastated. I spent the first few weeks in shock, and am now dealing with very strong feelings of anger and hurt. We had a very good relationship until he experienced a few major changes at work and with his family, and whereas we had always talked about our problems together he became really withdrawn. I tried talking, supporting him, etc. but to no avail. It turns out he and this woman tended to have lunch together, go for coffee together, etc. and it started off as a friendship, which he hid from me in order to avoid confrontations, since he expected me not to approve. A few months ago he then started wondering whether to end our relationship (which at that point was under great stress) and kissed this woman; once he had done that he realised that it was a mistake and that I wasn't the problem, that it wasn't our relationship he wanted to end. He didn't tell me but broke all contact with her (I have the phone bills as evidence) and was very devoted to the relationship, started dealing with his problems at work, with his family, etc. He, I and us as a couple started feeling much happier. However, I ended up discovering what had happened (long story) and it all came out, the hidden friendship, the lies (because there were a few when I would call at lunch time etc.) and then the kiss. My partner felt devastated and profoundly embarrased about what had happened, and begged me to give him another chance. I love him very much, and know he is someone who made me extremely happy for at least 6.5 or nearly 7 years, before the whole crisis, who always supported me, he was always there for me, who was very loving, etc. However, I felt so incredibly hurt, betrayed and angry that I also knew that there was no way I could deal with this by myself. We lived apart for a month and I suggested seeing a couple's councillor which he immediately agreed to. The psychologist quickly said that I wasn't the problem and that our relationship wasn't the problem, that the problem was his way of dealing with things in his life, his work, his family, his feelings, etc. He has started therapy and is determined to learn from his mistakes and to change. He has told me he is willing to do whatever it takes, wait however long it takes, but that eventually he wants to win back my trust and the love I have lost for him. Whether or not it will work I don't know, only time will tell. I still feel extremely hurt, sad and agry about what happened. But I also know that people do hurt each other, we all do, that there are a thousand different ways of betraying your partner and that we all make mistakes. There is no way I could even consider giving him and our relationship a second chance without professional help, but I have to admit I am hopeful. I think things like this are more frequent than we think, and that is what my psychologist (because I am now seeing a psychologist too to help me deal with this) says too. So, my advise to you would be to give yourself time, to talk and talk and talk more, and eventually to go to a couple's therapist or to a psychologist to help you discover how you feel, and whether you can learn to fully trust your husband again. At the end of the day it is worth remembering though that in life you never have any guarantees. Imagine you leave your husband because of what happened all those years ago when you actually have a really good relationship, then you find someone else and that relationship goes wrong for whatever reason.. who knows, maybe he too will be unfaithful, maybe you will be, maybe he will leave you or maybe not- but you never know. So if you and your husband love each other and what happened really was a stupid mistake which he has learnt from or is willing to learn from, I think it is definitely worth working at and forgiving. I also believe (and hope!) that with time you can learn how to trust again. But what is true too is that only you can know- I know how lonely that feels, I feel very isolated with my decision, but that's life. But in your situation I really would say go for it, fight for it, because you can't reduce a happy relationship and someone who made you very happy, all the many good things (although again that's something only you can know) to a kiss with another woman...your relationship was and is far more than that. In your case you were in different countries, in my case he was very depressed.. in those situations people do things they wouldn't usually do. Does that justify them? No. But we are all human and we all make mistakes. Now whether it is a mistake you (and I) can forgive is another matter, and like I said in my case only time will tell. Good luck with all of that. Jo.

I say leave the past in the past and let it go.