Why do people hold grudges?

The basic reason for holding a grudge is the same reason we cling to ANY idea: it helps provide stability for our sense of self. To let go of a position which we've held with passion is to admit that maybe it wasn't so crucial in the first place, and that's a threat to our naive belief in a fixed identity. We can no longer say "this is what I stand for", as if the grudge were a reasonable basis for personal identity.

Of course, the kind of "self" which clings to a grudge isn't true self, it's a cheap imitation that isn't really worth preserving in the first place.

An anecdote to think about...

A Lesson about Holding Resentment
Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out.

"Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied. "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

I've held a grudge for more than 5 years now and it is 1 that i will hold to my dieing day. I was hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally. But worst of all I was hurt through my child, that is why he is my ex now and will remain a grudge.

Two reasons:

1)We hold grudges because we think we own things like, emotions and rights. When these things are violated or stolen we feel as though someone has violated or stolen a part of what we have ignorantly used to identify ourselves as individuals.

2)It's due to the delusion that is inherent with making comparisons. If you are wrong, then that must mean that I am right. If you are evil, then I must be good. To let go of a grudge, therefore, is to also let go of being "right" or "good".

Our individuality, our independence (rather than interdependence)is the cause of all our arguements, wars, and grudges. That's why we are relentless to follow the path of violence once we've started, because we, rather than let go of the idea that we "own" anything, even our selfrighteousness, we cling to things such as hate and call it "righteous indignation".

You cannot be sincerely compassionate as long as you see yourself as abstract from the people around you. When you discover the beautiful truth that we are interdependent, grudges are not possible.

I think that everyone has held a grudge at some point. For me it came out of feeling betrayed & hurt.

Because they think that if they let go of what happened then they are excusing what the other person did.

We long for a sense of fairness. We don't get that through the law, religion, society. A grudge makes you feel like you are in control.

Being small minded and vengeful. Or, they just aren't big enough to apologize.

Because they're bitter and afraid. I think it's sad myself and truely hope I am never that jaded, cynical or sad. I live and let live and !let go! of all that crap.

Holding onto grudges never hurts the other person. It only hurts you. The other person might be totally oblivious that you're even thinking about them. They've gone on with their life. Some people are continuing to allow people from their past to hurt them now! And that's stupid! Your past is past. They cannot hurt you anymore unless you keep rehearsing it in your mind. Every time you rehearse that resentment they'll hurt you again. They may even be dead and they're still hurting you from the grave. That is dumb! You don't hurt them by resenting. Holding onto a hurt, only hurts you...
Are you still allowing people in your past to continue to hurt you in the present? Stop! Don't let them hurt you anymore. They cannot hurt you without your permission. The past is past. Give God your grudges God Bless!

Because if you let them drop they repeat on you.....

so far, I've been rapped by my boyfriend, and he's cheated on me while I was 4-5 months pregnant,(I did have ideas of this and it was mention and I've confronted both women) and he told me this on Valentine's day (which was my first real Valetines) about all the rest he did with these 2 women. One who he went to find comfort emotionly and one who touched up on his dick at the gym at our college we go to.

And yes, I've been holding on to this grudge since Valetines and now it's becoming more of an issue and I've been worry now he might cheat on me again because of this and I've been stuggling to lose these grudges and I've never thought it was so hard. Yes, I'm asking for sypathy, but also thanking everyone for their comments, which has been helping me and I believe I've gotten even with my boyfriend, I did used this to torment him, I've wanted him to be punish for what he did to me.
But, now it's time to really let go and learn to let go at all times and I believe in the Lord,and I need to let him decide and change our lives for the better.

It's immature, I know this, but I hold a grudge forever.

Some people have a hard time 'letting go and facing reality.' It can be viewed to the outside as immature, but to those who experience very painful. I try to let go -- but I have held grudges. We all have. The 'grudger' needs to ask his/herself what do I gain from it and what will become of it if I just let go. Life is too short to experience the emotional and physical pain that will become of it. (Easier said than done.) Hopefully I helped you.

They often feel that they've lost the sense of controlling another person or keeping them in their lives.

Because they didn't get even.

Because they are unwilling to let go of the hurt, and nursing the hurt keeps them angry.

I think there are many reasons. In my mothers case it was about being wronged. She held grudges for over 40 years, and the story was always the same. The person had lashed out and hurt her, without any attempts to apologize, or acknowledge their wrong doings.

She used that as justification for her grudge. It's hard to say whether or not it was ego based. It didn't appear to be. She seemed to have a mentality of "Everyone is against me".

The odd thing about her grudges were, they were unknown, or silent, to the offender. No actual fight or exchange of words actually took place. She would bottle it up and boil about it for years. Perhaps it was the need to cling to something she could tell others in order to gain pity from them.

People hold onto grudges because they are afraid to let go of them.

just because

Ego.

Because they felt that their anger and/or hard feelings were not properly justified by the person who committed the crime against their beliefs or ideals.

If someone hurts you, and they fail to react with enough of a show of remorse or made enough of an attempt to make ammends, then people usually hold grudges mostly as a manipulative tactic because the other offending party will then go overboard trying to gain their forgiveness.

It is a control thing mostly practiced by controlling, rigid people.

Pettiness

To hold a grude is natural when 1 is badly wronged,its not something that can be easily let go,people dont hold on to them because they want to or out of pride,its cause they feel anger in their heart,they cant let go,its like been in love with somebody or liking a certain tv show,its our hearts way-our natural response to a situation,its not choice,its a sense of been injustified.Forgiveness can only be sought by talking about the situation to the person you are harbouring the hate against and trying to find reason or solution for their actions.

I think the main cause in my experience of grudges are by people not speaking up when they feel wronged,they should say to the person or people who have wronged them and confront them in a mature non violent way[if possible!] and explain why they feel wronged,the worse kind of resentment and anger is the kind people hold to themselves that simmers inside. Remember many experts say depression is usually anger stemmed inwards that lies within us.

because they don't have anything else to think about ....:)

Resentment.

Sort of an inate want for revenge.

I feel that once a person gets an idea into their mind, about anything, subject, stero-types, beliefs or people in general... out of pride they will not let it go. Ever! I am saying it this way becasuse I have not seen it yet.

I have been in a situation where one person due to ignorance and low self esteem would say things that was none of their concern regarding me and my family. When they were corrected, it made the situation get worse because they were proven wrong. Which if they had not concerned themselves in my affairs in the first place, there would be no issues.

Underestimating me, and not really taking the time to just live and let live, a problem was made. As though there was a "contest" of sorts as who was better...in everything! I knew that even trying to make peace would be an issue because this was something I thought of first. It was a no win situation. (sigh!)

This is very sad when a grown person who is older and is set in their ways can not adjust. They will make themselves bitter and unhappy for the rest of their lives trying to compete with the one person that they hold a grudge due to a jealous state of mind.

But as a Christian and being a Christian is very hard. Prayer comes in day and night. Asking for the help of GOD to show both sides what to do to make peace. I remember 1 Peter:13-16. If you do what is right, and aim to keep peace then you will remain blamless. I would rather have GOD on my side to protect me and give me wisdom than to have to deal with the non-sense of those that are lost.

I pray that for anyone in a situation like this that they will hold on FAST to the word and faith. For this is when you will see what GOD will do for those that love HIM with a whole heart, mind and soul! You will have peace.

The people you are referring to want to. Why else would they do it?

i cant,i keep dropping it.

Because they haven't learnt how to let go. Grudges only hurt the bearer of the grudge.

Because they were really hurt and couldn't bear the pain.

Plus they can't move on so they hold grudges to keep their pains alive!!

I hold grudges because...that's how I feel about it. For the same reason I laugh at a funny joke, cry when I'm sad, get excited when I see my wife naked, etc.

People hold grudges so that they can have something to displace their hatred and anger onto - someone who reminds them of themselves (usually only on an unconscious level).