I had an ex that was sexually abused too. Its really hard to be the person that he told and not knowing how to handle the situation when its never happend to us. Just be there for him when he wants to talk listen to him. (He probably will never talk about it again, i know my ex never did)Its just a really tough situation, imagine how he feels

My ex has been abused as well and I accepted Him and live him even more; in time though, I becamed his abusee; he rejected and hurt me many many times; these guys have serious trust issues and no partner's love an dedication, no matter how strong, will her heal them;hebnetd to really start the process of getting help; u, on your side, can do a few wise an constructive things( things that perhaps I as I partner have done, maybe I would have had the strenght to still be in a relationship with him. Perhaps I wouldn't have taken his rejections so much to heart).. Get urself some books on boys abused as children, and how they behave in later life, these books will man u wiser and understanding towards him and will protect u from a lot of heartache....

This is often a very hard path to walk. I was the facilitator for a Group called Partners of Survivors for about four years. Granted, this was a group of Lesbian women, but often the dynamics are the same in many ways, as are the behavioral and emotional repercussions that accompany childhood sexual abuse. No matter what your gender is, sexual abuse and manipulations cause effects that can last a life time. Sometimes this can be even more challenging for men, because of all of the social pressures that they face in terms of "supposed to be tough, strong, manly, protective" and because too, a male child may become sexually aroused, and even willingly participate in a sexual act, especially if they are being emotionally and physically manipulated...so then they get a dose of TWICE the guilt...because after all, they got hard, must have been what they wanted...right? WRONG! Abuse if abuse! Especially if he is not yet at a point where he is willing to consider seeking some help, YOU may want to seek some outside support from a group that is geared to helping the Partner of the Survivor to cope with what can be some pretty trying and sometimes UNACCEPTABLE behavioral challenges. In our group we tried to stay pretty focused on the PARTNER'S needs. Many of the Survivors already WERE in counseling, and that too can dredge up things that can make the home life even more challenging than it may have been before they started working on their feelings...you feel worse, before you feel better...everything seems to intensify and slam the survivor right back to ground zero in many cases. Sometimes the Partner, can not deal with the almost chronic emotional roller coaster that the relationship has been or can become. This does not make YOU a bad person. By the same token, you are not supposed to live a life that makes you miserable and has no hope. It kinda depends upon the degree and types of behaviors your boyfriend has. Some survivors will constantly be changing jobs. Anytime they feel as if they are starting to get somewhere, experience success in any thing, they will deliberately but subconsciously SABOTAGE their success. Frequently, because their childhood was fraught with CHAOS, STRESS, a feeling of dread, especially if the abuse was on and off...they are deeply fearful of RELAXING, of BEING HAPPY, of HAVING SUCCESS...Of course they are...they were robbed of these NORMAL things as children! Sometimes they are manipulative and/or violent, even abusive to others...it's what they know how to do...and since most child molesters are so fond of telling their victims that they LOVE THEM...it paints a pretty warped perception of what LOVE IS for a child. Some suffer bouts of depression off and on, or even chronic. Often they have sexual phobias, especially concerning specific sexual acts/methods for arousal, or sexual activities in general. Frequently there are "Triggers" that can cause flashbacks. Triggers can be a smell, taste, a behavioral action by someone like YOU, or their boss or someone seen on the street, a store, a friend, a stranger. A trigger could be the size and shape of a person's hand, or way of walking, talking, speech patterns or words used, a phrase or slang; a type of food, a location, or an activity, not even sexually related. As you might guess, this challenge can be deep and complex and generally it is better if the survivor does seek some help and support in identifying their feelings and then figuring out the best, most productive and safe ways to process and deal with their feelings. Anger, depression, RAGE, fear, can all contribute to a very unhappy and challenging relationship. You may love him with all of your heart, but you can not heal him. He is an adult now, and while as a child he was at the non-existent mercies of some horrible adult or even someone his own age....it happens....the power that he DID NOT HAVE to protect himself THEN...exists and can be claimed by him NOW... But he has to be willing to face it, his darkest fears, shame, angers..You may or may not be able to support him in moving forward...if he won't, he isn't likely to change his current behaviors...they are part of his COPING skills... Someone who has been through such a situation, can not emotionally afford to give up what they BELIEVE works in helping them cope, UNLESS they are willing to REPLACE what is not really working as well as they may think...with something STRONGER AND BETTER that hopefully will not only work for them, but for anyone who loves them. You can love him and still decide that this is not the ride you want for the rest of your life, that doesn't make you a bad or thoughtless person. If he has behaviors that are NOT appropriate to a healthy, loving relationship, you STRONGLY need to consider MOVING ON.... YOU can not fix what happened to him, you can only fix what happens to YOU. I pray that he will seek help and that you will be able to face and decide what is best and healthiest for YOU to do too. Try to find a support group for Partners, that can be a big help. I had two different women in my life who suffered this sort of childhood. One was incested by her father starting at age 3;and the other raped by a neighbor, who tried to kill her...threw her off of a cliff afterwards and left her for dead, broke her back at age 5. The first one's Mother (who was also an incest survivor along with her Grandmother...) did not believe her. The second one's parents told her it was all just a bad dream, never happened...that caught up with her at about age 18, we met when she was in her 30's STILL processing it...The first one I stayed with for 4 years, the second one for 8 years... That is 12 YEARS of MY LIFE...spent trying to love and cope with problems that I did not create, wanted to fix...but ultimately had to remove myself from...the second one was abusive to me....so that should have been a NO BRAINER...to get OUT...I was trying to "do the right thing FOR HER..." and failed to do the right thing for Me...don't make that mistake, sometimes you HAVE TO SAY GOOD LUCK, GOOD BYE!

You have been given several avenues of information. What you need to do is assure him he was not at fault for what happened to him. Let him know no matter what you are his friend and boyfriend. He is dealing with a lot of issues the greatest of which is guilt. He has to know what happened happened and he cannot change that. He must seek forgiveness in his heart towards the person or persons that did this to him. If he can he should go to them and tell them he forgives them for what they did. Will he ever forget? No, he won't. Can he learn to deal with it yes he can and move on from there. It is not easy but he can do it. Your friendship and understanding will also go a long ways towards helping. I have told you in a few words what hundreds and thousands of dollars worth of psychologist would tell you and him.

You never push the issue. Getting him to talk to you could open up the wounds from it for him, and the most important thing is for him to be comfortable and happy. If your truly concerned, try to get him to join therapy, and stick by his side. It's an unfathomable thing to go through.