My mom keeps telling me flatly that her life is a failure because of me (I'm 19, I come home late on weekends and she hates my bf, otherwise I go to uni, I have a job, etc). These comments really bother me. What can I do? I already told her to stop.
by 
Meg
ANSWERS: 18
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If she takes her role as a mother so seriously as to gauge her success in life by how good she has done at raising you, she should be able to realize how damaging saying something like that can be to you.
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Move
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I don't even live with my Mom and haven't for years but once in a while she has too many drinks and likes to tell me that her life would be so much better if she had never had kids and how we were always the bain of her existence. Even though I'm in the same situation I don't really know what to tell you. I have just learned to try not to listen to it. I know what my accomplishments are and I know that I have turned out to be a good person and that is all that should matter. It still hurts a little but that's life I guess.
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Tell her, if her life is a failure because of you, she should have raised you better. That'll really make her think, hopefully taking her down a peg or two. No one should talk to others like that, especially not blood.
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What a horrible thing to say to a child. About all you can do is focus your energy on making the best life you can and reminding yourself as often as necessary that your mother is nothing but a troubled woman who is taking her dissatisfaction with her own life and choices out on you. You might not be able to get her to stop but you can choose to ignore her, certain in the knowledge that she is wrong. You can also make sure that you don't repeat the same mistake with your own children some day.
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Firstly are you taking the comments on board as being true? Because of course they are not. Nobody causes another person's life to be a failure. Your mother's feelings are her own but she does sound depressed and lonely. It might be useful to talk to her (or persuade someone else to) about how she is feeling about her life. Her comments may well just be a way of getting your attention/sympathy but its immature and destructive.
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try and not take it personal, I know its hard but you really dont deserve that kind of abuse. My mom used to tell me this almost to the point that I felt totally unwanted and unloved by everyone, i met a wonderful guy who made me believe that I was deserving of love and respect. I had to work through a lot of Hell bent years. It sucks that she is blaming you for something she feels is lacking in her life, instead of dealing with her issues positively. be strong and stay golden.
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Your mother's life may have turned out differently than she had planned when she had you. It's too bad she cannot see you for the blessing you could be to her. You must not take on yourself the pessimistic and bitter outlook on life that she has chosen to hand to you. You have a job, a boyfriend, you go to college and you have your youth. I am sure your mom wishes things would have turned out differently for herself and she may be jealous. The best advice I can give you is that you should get a roommate and move out. You are of legal age and you do not need to live there and take what she is dishing out. Take Care.
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1) Don't believe her. Sounds like she's trying to wreck YOUR self-esteem as much as hers is. (And that's not YOUR fault.) She's done it to herself, and is trying to find someone to blame, and it should NOT be YOU or ANYONE else. 2) Don't go home. As much as you probably love your Mom, her continually doing this to you is akin to abuse - as a boyfriend may abuse or try to control his girlfriend, or vice-versa. We always advocate getting out staying out for them... I think it would be best for you, too. When she decides she'd rather have you around, you can try to go back. If she says ONE THING that sounds at all like the putting down you have already lived through by her, leave again. When she asks why you left, tell her.
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Tell her that your life is a miserable failure because of her. What's good for the goose is good for the gander
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thats terrible, im so sorry! i dont no what to say, but you have my sympathy!
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My mother said the same things to me. She is feeling miserable and wants you to feel that way too. Refuse to listen when she says those things--walk away and tell her you ARE NOT going to let her bother you. Offer to help her work through her feelings, and remind her that nobody can make anyone else a success or failure, we all do that ourselves. If you have a job and go to school, you should really get out of her house before you get dragged down into her pity pit.
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Tell her in no way are you a failure because of her life. She raised a young woman who is proud of herself and her accomplishments so far and that you have much more to do with your life. Mom - what are you doing now - to make your life better? I'm an adult and so are you - do something with yourself - go back to school, get a new job? do something that makes you proud of your life! I love you, but I will not be put down anymore.
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Tell her that her failure in life is not your fault and try to find a place to move out. Do not let her hold you back. sorry that she has to be that way.
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Think about moving out and getting your own place. Why should anyone be made so unhappy by the presence of another.
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No one can make anyone else's life a "failure" without their active complicity. Sadly, your only recourse that I can see is to begin avoiding your own mother at every opportunity. It pains me greatly to have to say that because I grew up without a mother and have this idealized version of what mother/child relationships should be like.
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Talk to a counselor at your school. You need to believe that you are not the problem, and you need to be able to not let these comments hurt you. I'm guessing that it isn't possible to go out on your own right now, but you should do so as soon as you are able.
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Here's my Dr Phil opinion... She's definitely wrong to blame you, unless you demand everything of her and give nothing back. She's proof that parenting is a way bigger commitment than young people think it is. They put their dreams aside for 20 years and then wonder what happened. But parent or not, lots of people probably get disappointed at that age if they dwell on things they DIDN'T accomplish in life. Do some soul searching and decide who you want to be at her age, and start your way there.
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