So I'm 19 and my mom openly admitted to me yesterday that she's been having an affair for the past year. She also said she and my dad are divorcing .She and my father have been together for 20yrs as of January 1st. Do I tell my Dad? Or do I keep quiet?

Keep quiet for now. Your mother doesn't want you to get caught in the middle of her problems with your Dad. She probably just wanted to confide in you what was going on because she was feeling overwhelmed by it all.

This is for your mom to tell Dad. It's sad, and I wonder why she felt the need to tell you before she told her husband. That's her job, not yours'.

She could have told you because she wants YOU to tell him. I don't know your relationship with your mom or dad but I think if I were in that position, I would give my mother a time frame to tell my father, and say to her that I will tell him. But I would not really tell him.
This is something that your mom should handle. But she may need that push forward.
Having been in a similar situation, your dad probably already knows or suspects.
Good luck with whatever you choose.

That is rough. I've been there with my parents and I hated it that she told me anything! It seems like no matter how old you are, your parents are always your parents and some things don't need to be confided to your child! Keep it to yourself for now and wait and see how things roll. Chances are he may already know about it or will shortly when the details of the divorce are disclosed. What is most important for you, and what I didn't know until it was too late, is don't allow them to use you as a buffer. In other words, don't play the "he said she said" game. If he is calling you and wanting to talk about her or vice-versa, firmly tell them that you don't want to get in the middle of it, that you love them both but that you really don't want to be put in a situation where you feel like you have to chose sides. That's completely unfair to you. Be very firm with both of them and ride it out.

keep quiet you dont want to get involved with the situation

Keep out of it, it sounds like your mum will be telling your dad pretty shortly anyway, she was probably just preparing you for when your dad finds out.

Give your mom a time frame within which to tell your dad and advise her that if she doesn't, you will.

We are friends with a man whose wife left him and his two teenage daughters knew about it and never told him. While he forgave them, he has never really gotten over the fact that everyone knew what was coming but him.

let your mum do the talking. it will be devastating for your dad, but if he knows you knew before him might upset him more. she is hoping you will do it so she doesn't have to face what she has done. cheating is selfish, and by not telling him herself is selfish. i hope you are ok. even at 19 that's alot to deal with.

I dont like that she told you that, however she did. I would never tell your Dad, that is her job. I would remain quiet and let them work it out. Sorry this is happening to you!

Sorry but shame on your mom for telling you if she's not going to tell your dad right away too. She's put you in a terrible position and no kid should have to choose between mom or dad. Stay out of it, you do not have to take sides unless you choose to. As the one who was cheated on and was clueless (it was the 2nd time, I busted him the 1st time) I'd want to know.

I am waiting to hear the answer to buster's Q: Why did your mom fee the need to blab (brag) to you about the affair. Very inappropriate to burden children, (even if 19)with this kind of information.

Tell us why your mom felt the need to blab (brag?) to you about her affair. Although I do not look down on any persons who have affairs, I do not approve of taking their children to the hotel.

Minus points for mom.

If i was you i would not tell your dad. That is between them. Yes it does involve you but. That's between them. I'm not sure how to explain it but sorry.

I agree with those who advise you to let your parents work out their own issues and arrive at either a reconciliation or an amicable divorce. Encourage them to talk to each other, be civil, be honest, and to remember that they once loved each other. Assure them both that you love each of them and that you will not take sides or get involved in their private matters. Do not become a counselor or confidant to either parent. Set healthy boundaries. Both of these folks are going to be your parents for many many years and you want them to be able to be cordial to each othder at your wedding.

Your mom had no real right to come to you, her child, and tell you something like that.

Most people are not aware of the power of speech and of the harm that can be done. The harm done by speech is even worse than the harm done by stealing or by cheating someone financially: money lost can be repaid, but the harm done by speech can never be repaired.

She told you something that would be not only be hurtful for you to hear but for your dad to hear as well. If she no longer had feelings for her husband or respect for her wedding vows, she should have just bowed out gracefully from that relationship.

It is not your place to tell your dad. Your mom doesnt have to tell your dad anything, but to put this burden of knowledge of an extramarital affair on her child, is not right. You should tell her, if she wanted to confess, she did it to the wrong person. She should have told her husband, your dad, not you.

I would just keep quiet,and not get involved. It will only make things worse.

My rents divorced in the exact same manner. I think that your mother told you, not to tell your father, but just to inform you on the situation so its not a big shock to you when it does happen. Chances are your mother plans on talking to your dad, if she hasnt already, since she mentioned divorce. If your asking if you should tell your dad about the REASON shes divorcing, well thats up to you but I honestly dont think you should do it so soon if you are going to. Its crazy how much our situations are alike, my mom was seeing someone for about 6 months before my parents got divorced but my mother has been much happier since she got remarried...15 years ago, so Im not so much upset about it anymore. I dont think you should be worried about getting involved in it, he most likely knows whats goin on already.

Hey man-
When I was 16 my Mom told me that my Dad was having an affair. They ended up divorced a year later. The mistake I made was involving myself personally. Talking with your Mom and Dad about the upcoming divorce is fine. What's not fine is putting yourself in the middle. Don't let your Mom or your Dad talk through you. Let them communicate with EACH OTHER. You will be emotionally better off. It's natural to want to help. It's natural to be affected. Just remember: It's your parents divorce, not yours.

Good luck and hang in there-

She shouldn't have told you. This is not your problem and do NOT, EVER feel you must take sides. Your Dad is still your Dad, and your Mum is still your Mum. This is a problem with their relationship with each other, not theirs with you or you with theirs. IF any further information is offered responded by saying "All due respect Mum but this is really nothing to do with me. It's Dad you should be speaking to, not me. I'm staying out of it, it's not my place'.

Keep it to yourself. I'm sure your Dad already knows, he just doesn't want to.

Your mother has mental problems. She should have never told you about her affair and both she and your father should have JOINTLY told you about the divorce. I feel sorry for this man that your mom is involved with, he has his hands full.

First of all I don't think your mother should have told you something like that especially if your father didn't already know about it. I would not tell him if it were me. Let her do it. It is between the two of them and they should not make you a part of it. I hope that it will all work out for you and your family.

Did she first tell you they were divorcing & then tell you she'd had an affair as an explanation? If so, your Dad already knows, or at least suspects. If that's not the case, just ask him why they're divorcing. You don't need to tell him what your mother told you but you should hear both sides, to be fair to them both (and yourself). I was in a similar situation. Its hard. I'm sorry. The reasons for divorce are not your fault & you shouldn't be involved in it. Just let them know you love them both, as you always have. Just don't let either one put you in the middle. Who knows, they may reconcile, mine did & I was glad I never took sides.

G'day NormaJean,

Thank you for your question.

Does your Dad know that your mother is thinking of divorcing him? I would speak with your mother and say that she has to come clean with your Dad. I would see if she can make a commitment to do so.

If not, I would advise her that you will tell her if she hasn't. She has to tell her husband what has happened honestly and you should encourage her to do so. She isn't being fair to you to ask you to continue as nothing is happening. You have my sympathy.

Regards

It depends really, how do you want the divorce to play out?

Chances are if you keep quiet, your mom will rape your father for everything he's worth.

However if you can site precedent and show that she's been having an affair, it will put your father on equal footing, he may not lose most of his;house, retirement funds, car, etc etc.

I would tell him, no offense but your mother lied to both of you and is now going after your father for whatever he may have, thats not right no matter how you cut it.

I would assume that if they are divorcing your dad already knows. Just be supportive of each of them in their choice to move on and try not to get stuck in the middle.

Best to not get involved anymore then your mother, selfishly, already got you involved. It is their thing to either work out or not work out. You really have nothing to do with it and should not feel any type of guilt or in any way remotely responsible or involved. It is your mom that took it upon herself to be unfaithful to your dad and it is your dad's not knowing your mom that likely caused it to get to the level that it has. Your 19, focus on you and your future. Regardless of what your parents do, or do not do, you are already on your way to independence and being responsible for your own actions. So, suck it up and move on. I also suggest that you tell your mom, nicely, that you do not want to be put into the middle of the "affair" or the divorce, and that she is going to have to work out her issues without dragging you into it just because she may feel "guilt ridden" and want to "share", both which are, a bit of a crock, in my opinion. Time for you to lead your life and let them lead theirs. Not a pleasant thing, but there it is.

They are getting divorced, which means your dad probably already knows.

What ever you do keep your mouth shut and stay out of it. Your mom had no right to put you in this position and it's not your job to tell him. Let her sink her own boat. Your dad will find out soon enough. If you get in the middle it'll just make things worse.

If I were you, the only reason that I would tell your dad is for the reason of them divorcing because he does not deserve a women that cheats on him. Even though it would hurt him, I would need to tell him for his own good. But in your case they are already divorcing so just keep quiet. What he does not know wont hurt him.

I was thinking the same thing, why did your mom tell you? That man she is cheating on is your dad. Don't be the one who hurts him with the news. The situation has nothing to do with you, keep it that way. Maybe you could tell your mom that even though she needs someone to talk to that person can't be you, you love them both.

hey i'm sorry your going through this.. i dont want to sound too much like a talk show host lol..but just so your know..i'm not sure how you feel about it..but whatever it is.. its ok to feel that way. I'm 18 and i'd feel all kinds of mixed up emotions. You sound like a strong perosn with the way you approached the question though and i'm sure you are.. neways... * i dont think its your responsibility to tell your dad. i kno i've played monkey in the middle personally with y parents(used to) and been there messanger and savior and helped and things..and as i grew up people helped me and are helping me to realize that i'm not responsible for them. they are presonsible for them even if they go about things as children sometimes ..i mean we all do something its normal.(it can create crazy emotions sometimes) but its normal. And my point is lol, that while they may not always go about thigns right, you can respond how you like ya kno. i think. its cool that you asked this question cuz you were unsure.
*also, subjects like this can be touchy so if iwas effensive in any way, i didn't mean to be. and i hope i helped :-)

You tell him!

What do you think your dad would do if he heard this news? Would he mope about it? Would he take it OK? Would he have a big fight with your mom? Tell me this, and i'll edit my answer when I have time...
Being nineteen, man that's gotta suck with your parents divorcing... I mean i was five, but that still sucks...

It is so wrong for a mother, or any parent, to lay this onto another person. The burden is so wrong!!! Mom should have finished one relationship before starting another but she certainly could have discussed it with her husband before the kids, no matter WHAT age!! I'm sorry, it's too heavy a load for any parent to 'share'. You tell mom she must tell your father NOW because you cannot bear this burden anymore.

Given the fact that my mom and I have always been extremely close, I don't think it's outrageous that your mother told you before telling your father. She knew that it would come out and would prefer that you heard it from her first. Do not tell your dad, but I would advise you to sit down with your mom and tell her how you feel about everything. There's a lot more to say and many more questions to ask than just whether or not to tell your dad. Just make sure you tell your mom that you feel aweful to have to keep this secret from him and that you would like for her to tell him asap.

Keep clear of that one, you don't need to be in the middle of it. Let your mother do her own dirty work.

It's best for your dad to find out from your mom. I know that it's difficult to see someone you care about being hurt (especially when it's by someone else you care about) but it's much harder to be in the middle of an ugly divorce. The best thing is just to sit back and be there for your dad when he needs you.

Telling him is not your job this is her mess to deal with this isnt you problem. Keep quite and maybe she will gain the balls to tell him what se has done to their 20 year marriage.Its sad that when parents are divorcing they bring their children into it.I am 20 and my parents are also in the divorce process and they put me in the middle and I tell them both that I am not their go between.you should do the same! encourage your mother to tell the truth but dont make it your responsiblity

Jeez, that sucks! I'm sorry. I'm having trouble figuring out why your mom decided to divulge that information to you. That puts you in a tough spot (as you've already figured out.)
Since you're 19 and custody of you isn't going to be an issue, it won't affect any kind of alimony, unless you have younger siblings that they will be fighting over.
That information can do nothing but hurt, so I would keep it under wraps for now. But don't lie. If someone asks you outright if you know if either of your parents was cheating in the relationship, then tell the truth. Just don't offer the information.

Good luck, NormaJean. I've been where you are, and it ain't pleasant, but you'll get through it.

A time frame for your Mom is fair. Your Dad once he knows that you knew my be hurt from that alone. I wish you weren't in the middle, but they are still both your parents through thick and thin.

I would definitely say stay out of it. They're both adults, let them sort it out amongst themselves.

Stay out of it.

There must be a reason your mother would tell you something like that....maybe she wants you to tell your father, but it's not your place.

Don't tell him, unless he asks....and then only tell him what your mother told you.

i think you're in all your right to tell your parents how you're feeling about this situation. But do not and i repeat do not get involved in the separation progress. these people decided long before you existed that they wanted to be together and the decision has to be made on their own as well. if they try to involve you just respectfully decline to talk about it after you've made your peace. remind them that you love them no matter what. sometimes divorces can get ugly and adults like to behave like children and unfortunately some parents like to make their children against the other. it seems that you're a mature young woman so make it clear that you want no part in it but that you still love them equally no matter what.

You better keep quiet and let them work things out.

In the mean time, send your mom to this link, she might change mind about divorcing and she also might find some understanding about why she wants to divorce and change mind.

http://www.albinafabiani.com/breakup.html

Best of Luck

How selfish of her to expect you to be burdened with that knowledge. Do not say anything to your father, but instead let your mother know that you don't appreciate being caught up in her marital problems.

letting the adults deal with it themselves is the smartest thing. you'll just get stuck in between like two slices of bread and peanut butter.

I'd just keep it to myself. The divorce is immenent and nothing is to be gained by it. Just let it happen.

He may already know. I'd just mind my own business.