Ask a Question
or
Create a Poll
  1. Home /
  2. Questions /
  3. Outside The Bag
  4. / First Thing That Comes To Mind

by Blondiee81 on October 13th, 2008

Blondiee81

Question

Help answer this question below.

Make me laugh. Tell me a joke or show me something funny.

  • Like
  • Report
Share:
Other

Answers. 20 helpful answers below.

  • by Slartibartfast on May 25th, 2011

    Slartibartfast

    Asker's Pick

    Selected by the asker, Blondiee81. (What's this?)

    Warning: PG14+


    Memorandum -- Year 2000 project - Millennia Year Application Software System
    This memo is to announce the development of a new company-wide Software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
    Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
    As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.
    I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, since I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through, she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
    I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
    We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office, see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".
    This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data, the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by sweetness on May 25th, 2011

    sweetness

    My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

    If only they could see me now...

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Sarah-2 on May 25th, 2011

    Sarah-2

    Little Danny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Danny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his pants, then Aunt Jane..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Danny, this is such a wonderful story. Why don't you tell it during dinner time? I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."At the dinner table that night, Mommy asked Little Danny to tell his story. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his pants, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle JP used to do when Daddy was away..."

    Moral of the story: sometimes you just need to shut the fu*k up and listen!

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Abbra gone Underground on January 20th, 2012

    Abbra gone Underground

    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

    He marched straight up to the counter and said,
    "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

    The welfare clerk behind the counter said,
    "Your timing is excellent. We've just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

    "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort his unattached and unmarried daughter on her overseas business and holiday trips.

    One more thing, this is rather awkward but, as part of your job assignment, you may also have satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and she has a rather strong sex drive."

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

    The welfare clerk said,
    "Yeah, well ... You started it."

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Omar Little on January 20th, 2012

    Omar Little

    Why have NASA never sent a woman to the moon?
    It doesn't need cleaned yet.

    Ba-dum-chhh!

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by formichinoo on January 20th, 2012

    formichinoo

    The doorbell rings of a brothel, the madam opens the door and sees a man with no arms or legs, she asks " What do you expect to do here?" He replies " didn't I just ring the bell? ".

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by ChelseaLee on January 20th, 2012

    ChelseaLee

    Why do Greek airlines have hair under there wings :)

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by deggers12uk on September 26th, 2011

    deggers12uk

    paddy says to murphy "whats your pet hate"
    murphy answers "he does'nt like it when i shove my cock up his arse"

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by lisa31362 on May 25th, 2011

    lisa31362

    A drunk was driving home one night when a cop pulled him over. "Have you been drinking?" asks the cop. The drunk says "why? is there a fat chick in the backseat?"

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by tominhouston on January 24th, 2012

    tominhouston

    Amile Beaudreaux lives near St Peters Catholic Church in a predominately Catholic neighborhood in New Iberia Louisiana. He is Southern Baptist.
    He's is an avid hunter and fisherman.
    He works a 12 hour shift moving barges along the canal.
    Fridays are special to him. That's when he grills a venison steak. One that he shot of course.
    The smell of the cooking meat on Friday drove the Catholics crazy to the point that they went to Father Farge and asked for his assistance. He said that he would talk to Amile and maybe convert him.
    Sure enough, after about 3 weeks Amile makes up his mind to be baptized a Roman Catholic.
    One Saturday afternoon, in front of about 30 people, Father Farge baptized Amile saying,
    Yesterday you were a Baptist and today you are a Catholic.
    This solved the Friday grilling problem for about a month. Then one Friday evening the fragrance of grilling venison steaks filled the air. Some of Amile's fellow Catholics apprised Father Farge of the situation and he was at Amile's house in a matter of minutes. He could smell the steaks as he pulled up in the driveway. Father Farge got out of the car and as he made his way through the gate, around the corner he saw Amile pouring water on the steaks and he heard Amile say, "Yesterday you was a deer, today you is a catfish."

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Abbra gone Underground on January 20th, 2012

    Abbra gone Underground

    1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you
    believe that? 2:30am !!?
    Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

    2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
    vacuum cleaner.
    Talk about Dyson with death.

    3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
    "Really?" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go
    blind?"

    4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
    At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

    5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker... Well, she's not
    exactly my girlfriend yet.

    6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
    the foot of my bed.
    At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

    7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for
    the worst.
    So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

    8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
    When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

    9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
    As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
    with a coffin,
    3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
    I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

    10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went
    to our local pet shop and they were £70.
    "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

    11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

    12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
    check her balance, so I pushed her. She nearly fell over.

    13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good
    Korea move.

    14. I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked on the
    side of the road.
    The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
    I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

    15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat,
    drink, and be Mary.

    • Like
    • Report

    2 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Swami_Rick on January 20th, 2012

    Swami_Rick

    Best joke of all time....OBAMA.

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Paul_M2713 on August 21st, 2011

    Paul_M2713

    A blonde and a brunette walking on opposite sides of a small river. The Brunette calls out "How do I get to the other side" . "You idiot" replies the Blonde "You're already on the other side"

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by aspgirl21 on May 25th, 2011

    aspgirl21

    Three agricultural scientists were determined to discover how much a pig could eat before it just had to take a shit. To this end they procured a Yorkshire sow and pushed a large cork into her arse. After six weeks of force feeding, the sow was the size of the Goodyear airship and threatening to burst. Being humane types, the scientists agreed that the cork must now be removed. No-one wished to volunteer for the job, however, so in true scientific tradition, they decided to train a monkey for the task and swiftly put a small gibbon through a crash course in cork-pulling. The day came and the pig was air-lifted out to the desert for safety's sake. Special equipment was set up to monitor the event. Picture the scene: In the middle of the desert, the pig. Behind the pig, the monkey. One mile behind him, the first scientists with a video camera. One mile behind that scientist are the other two scientists with a seismometer. Finally, the monkey reaches up and pulls out the cork. SPLAT! When the massive geyser has subsided, the two scientists find themselves knee-deep in pigshit. Grabbing shovels they wade forward and dig out the first man who has been buried up to his neck. When they free him they find that he is laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" they ask. "You should have seen the monkey trying to get the cork back in!" LOL. xD

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Nancy is really struggling right now... on May 25th, 2011

    Nancy is really struggling right now...

    A priest, a blonde, and an Irishman walk into a bar...the bartender says, "What, is this some sort of a joke?"

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Sanny on June 23rd, 2010

    Sanny

    There was an old couple in their 90's and their lives were still very vibrant, however they were both having trouble with short term memory loss. It got bad enough that they decided to go see a doctor about the problem, so when they asked the doctor what to do, he replied, "I'm sorry there's not really anything we can do medically so you're just going to have to deal with it. But may I suggest you use tablets to write down important things to remember and simply have your tablet handy at all times." The couple agreed it was a good idea and went on their way.

    A couple weeks had past and the tablet method was working splendidly. One afternoon while watching television the wife remarked "I sure would love a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream". The husband enthusiatically jumped up and said "I'll get it!", at which the wife replied, "Don't you want to write it on your tablet?" He said, "Nonsense! I don't need that thing anymore, I've got this!" So he went off to the kitchen to whip up her delicious treat, and after about 10 minutes came in with a beatiful plate of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, and grapefruit juice. He, with a big smile, exclaimed "Here's your breakfast!" and the wife perplexed turned a replied..."Where's the toast!?"



    Read more: Got a funny joke to tell? Tell it here. I could use a laugh. | Answerbag http://www.answerbag.com/a_view/9226015#ixzz0rh8TfWYy

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by JuJubee is wearing a COAT of chocolate on October 13th, 2008

    JuJubee is wearing a COAT of chocolate

    I love this picture and think it's very funny

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by tominhouston on January 24th, 2012

    tominhouston

    Before the Houston Astros were the Houston Astros they were called the Colt 45's. As time passed Lyndon Johnson became President and NASA moved to Houston. Then some how the oil boom town/cowboy image just didn't quite fit anymore. Houston was growing up. It was inevitable. Sad and exciting at the same time.
    Someone suggested that the baseball teams name should change too. This idea was discussed with the County Judge who had a substantial financial interest in the team and the name Houston Astro's was suggested.
    "Astro's. ASTRO'S!" he said incredulously. "ASTRO'S! and what are you gonna call the farm team? The Halfastros?"

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by tackystore on January 20th, 2012

    tackystore

    What did the snow say to the boy as it came onto him?

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by HEYTHERE on January 20th, 2012

    HEYTHERE

    Yeah. The chicken crossed the road to get to the other side! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

    (Btw, this joke is an award winner and considered one of the best of all time. That is the reason you are still laughing.)

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

Want to attach an image to your answer? Click here.

Did this answer your question? If not, then ask a new question or create a poll.

More Questions. Additional questions in this category.

You're reading Make me laugh. Tell me a joke or show me something funny. - which can also be phrased in the following ways:

  • Have a funny joke? Share it, Please.
  • Got a good joke?:)

Follow us on Facebook!

Related Ads

Related Questions

Professionally Researched

ANSWERBAG BUZZ

Show me something to make me laugh
Show me a joke
Make me ajoke
Show and tell about laugh
Show me something funny google

Answerbag

a Demand Media company