Why do men like looking at porn so much. I consider myself a very attractive 25 year old. I have kids and you would never know it by looking at my body and my husband of 7 years likes to look at it and wants me to aswell. I see it as am i not good enough?

Comments

• sounds great...but what do you define as erotica? my husband says cybersex on video is just erotica, i consider it cheating. When there is sexual interaction, does that cross the line?

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  by ladyshakespeare on August 25th, 2009

• If it crosses the line for you, then yes, it crosses the line.
  I define erotica as books or stories. Cybersex with a person other than your spouse is not erotica. That's the makings of an affair.

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  by urk on August 25th, 2009

• ok, thats what i thought also.

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  by ladyshakespeare on August 25th, 2009

• I hope he figures out soon that he needs to stop disrespecting you.

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  by urk on August 25th, 2009

• well, im finding out that in his past relationships, he was a chronic cheater, so im not holding out hope that it will stop. then again, he didnt marry the others. Am i too hopeful?

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  by ladyshakespeare on August 25th, 2009

• You know what they say, once a cheater....

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  by urk on August 25th, 2009

• I agree, to a point. Saying "I'm not going to do those things and I don't want you to look at them or think about them anymore" sounds like a solution to the problem. But if a man wants oral sex, or anal, that desire will not be stamped out by driving it underground. Degrading is all in the eye of the recipient. Many men feel degraded when they see women, who have no relationship with a porn partner, do all the things for him that he wants his wife to do; yet his wife, whom he married, supports and lives with, won't do these things for him. Why is it a stranger will perform oral sex for some guy who means nothing to her, yet a faithful husband, doing all he is supposed to for his wife, is being told to accept a disgusted, dismissive rejection from the person who is morally his only legitimate sexual partner? Women want to have it both ways, and the divorce rate and the rates of infidelity are testament to how well that strategy works.

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  by Nightwing on October 24th, 2010

• I think if a man needs to harm his wife in order to gain sexual pleasure, he should probably be better served to obtain help for HIS problem. Womenin porn are high paid actresses, they make money by pretending that they like anal and that it doesn't hurt or degrade them. Like Urk said, porn is fantasy; if he can't separate that fact, it doesn't mean he is being rejected, it means he is suffering from porn shock and needs help. Sex is not meant to be harmful. This is a biased comparison countcyber, and that last sentence says it all. Women cause divorce all by themselves. it couldn't possibly have anything to do with the porn, emotional detachment, cheating, abuse or any other factor.

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  by Bryce on October 25th, 2010

• So a man asking his wife for a blowjob is "harming" her, but a wife refusing to provide it is merely pointing out a problem he should get help for? Sorry but that is pure crap. It ends the same way; the woman refusing the man and making it the man's problem for wanting what he wants. My point is, asking for the sex you want, regardless of where the desire for it came from, is a good thing in a marriage; it opens the door to the possibility of intimacy and heightens loving feelings. I resent women justifying sexual refusal as some sort of moral high ground. I could say that a woman who marries a man without a willingness to try to meet him half way in bed is marrying under false pretenses, just as a man should make clear to a girlfriend what he is looking for sexually. Porn is acting; so is "Sex In the City," but if a woman wants to dress more like Carrie Bradshaw should she be treated for "fashion shock?" If you don't want to satisfy your husband in bed, no matter how you justify it, you are damaging your marriage and risking putting your husband in danger of infidelity. He's wrong if he does it, but you are an enabler if you send him out of the house each day frustrated and rejected. Again, a spouse is your only moral outlet for sex. If a spouse says "no" the alternatives are dangerous to a marriage. And given how badly most women do after a divorce, you have to wonder if gentle, patient, loving anal sex once or twice a year is that big a deal. Of course, no one should put up with being done up their butt if it's painful. I'm not talking about treating a spouse like a prostitute. I have had several friends whose first wives believed the way you do. All those men are now with women who are much more open and willing sexually, and both seem happy. There are many reasons why a marriage fails, but you cannot be indifferent to your partner's needs and then wonder why the marriage failed.

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  by Nightwing on October 29th, 2010

• No, i'm referring to sodomy. You mentioned that the wife should give him anal. Anal is painful and causes permenant physical damage. Before you deny it, go look it up on wikipedia. Asking a wife to submit to pain, degradation, rectal tearing, permenant damage to her body, incontence, internal bleeding and death is NOT a good thing. The need to harm somebody isn't really a sexual need, it's pathological to hurt somebody. But I do agreew with you that women need to stop basing their romantic expectations off of Hollywood, that vampire dude from Twilight is no more real than porn.
  You said "you can't be indifferent ot your partners needs." So, how is ok for husband to be indifferent ot the sexual suffering they cause their wife? Is indifference ok for men but not women? You asked if enduring it once or twice a year is so bad? Well, it causes the individual to associate sex as a bad experience, which grows to sexual aversion, which causes her to have no desire, or even repulsion, for sex. Is that so bad? Frigidity doesn't occur naturally, it's a caused form of PTSD.

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  by Bryce on October 30th, 2010

• We should agree to disagree. Anal sex does not have to cause permanent damage, and no one should submit to unbearable physical pain. If you look at amateur porn, not professionals, you will see many women who engage in anal sex without apparent pain. Before you deny that, look at the many women who do it. I know of a number of women who actually like anal. I had a friend whose wife insisted on it regularly. Wikipedia is just one of many data sources. It is the not the end of the discussion. If you ask on the internet "do women actually like anal sex"you might be surprised at the responses.
  
  But anal is not the point. The issue is two people trying to compromise on what their sex lives will include or not include, and the view of many people like yourself that "compromise" means "NO!"I have had partners who agreed to try anal. They did not particularly like it, and since they were clearly not into it, we dropped it. Loving and caring is trying. If it's not right for that particular couple, fine. I would NEVER engage in any sex act that physically damaged someone. That is not a compromise. A man who abuses a woman's trust has deserved her rejection. Again, my point is there is no moral superiority to saying "I don't want to" and considering the matter closed. I was suggesting that a spirit of compromise means trying to find a middle ground. I did not say a woman should give her husband anal, or oral or five times a day. I did say that slamming a door in someone's face, without regard for their feelings, can be detrimental to a relationship. Love is not making ultimatums, nor is it refusing to even consider a request. Wanting to make love to someone in a different way is a FAR cry from "the need to harm somebody." It is locking into a limited and extreme view of what is being sought that hardens feelings on both sides. I am talking about a loving sex act between committed people. You are describing a brutal rape by a sadist. If a man who wants to expand the sexual range of his marriage is dismissed as a thoughtless, bloodthirsty savage I don't see that marriage as going in a good direction. I am talking about love, not cruelty.
  
  I visit my mother in law with my wife, despite the fact that I hate those visits, because I love her. I don't like it. It is a painful experience for me, but I do it out of love. I don't do it often, but I do it. I know she loves and appreciates the fact that I am willing to do that for her. Love "bears all things," does it not? Again, I am not talking about violence and brutality. If that is your idea of what is being requested (not DEMANDED) it's no wonder you are so hostile to the idea. If the decision of a couple is to not try something different, and both sides feel OK about that, then it's nobody's business. But no one should be demonized for desiring to try something off the beaten path. That's all I'm saying.

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  by Nightwing on November 2nd, 2010

• You've chnaged your tune quite a bit since your first comment. First you said that if a woman won't submit to anl she is degrading her husband and causing him to cheat. Now you are saying that if she's not ok with it, thats ok.
  Yes, there are some women who do enjoy anal, just as there are some men who enjoy recieving anal. When I have a couple in my office who are deadlocked on this issue, I suggest that they both gently experiment with doing anal on each other. It gives each a better understanding of a different perspective. but I find that most of the time, the men are no more willing to be sodomized than the women. So, there IS an understanding among men of how bad this experience is.
  Porn is NOT to be used as a reference for real life. You can research it on any medical website of your choice. Im not describing brutal rape by a sadist; Im describing average injuries, sustained by average people, inflicted by average people who have been mislead as to the dangers of this act. I focus my response on this act because it is what you said. Had you not mentioned anal, i would not have had anything to say about your response.
  Why am I hostile on this matter? because I have thoroughly researched it and I deal with it every, single day. After 8 years as a marriage counselor, I know how real the suffering is and how real the demand is.

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  by Bryce on November 2nd, 2010

• When I was a teen in the 1970s I never heard a word from males about wanting to penetrate a woman's anus. I'm persuaded that it's the rise of the video porn industry that created demand for sodomy among straight males. Few things in life are 100%, probably including the physical damage Bryce refers to, but it is very real. I imagine it could set in before a couple realized and had the opportunity to pull back. there really needs to be publicity about the detrimental effects of sodomy. Let's face it, the reason why such information is not disseminated is obvious. People don't want to talk about something that doesn't reflect well on homosexuality and would offend homosexuals. But aside from my disagreement on sodomy I find plenty to agree with in countcyber's remarks.

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  by conceptualclarity on November 5th, 2010

• Like I said, If he hadn't used that particular example, I would have agreed with him as well. We can't just dismiss the needs and feelings of the person we claim to love, it just can't work that way. But neither can we dismiss the suffering that our wants inflict on the person we claim to love. Twice in this convo he has indicated that women should please their man with his commetns about indifference and "love bears all." But both times, he used these on a one sided comment. My point here is simple, if "love bears all" then shouldn't love also help the man to bear going without a sexual want that inflicts harm on his beloved?
  Thanks for adding a voice of reason to this convo. It always amazes me how people will use porn as a counter arguement against medical research.

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  by Bryce on November 5th, 2010

• I like the point you made that as a marriage counselor, if there is a disagreement on the issue, your professional recommendation is that the couple should gently experiment on doing anal for each other. I admit to having overstated my position initially, but what you said here is what I was trying to say. Sexual differences should be worked out, hopefully in a way so that both sides feel loved, nutured and appreciated. No one should be rejected out of hand when they ask for sex in a particular way. It poisons a relationship, for both men and women. No one wants to be married to someone who they feel is indifferent to their feelings. A divorce does take two to untangle, and my bias is that I have seen most of the marriages in my immediate circle essentially destroyed by the wives (infidelities with a pregnancy by another man's child, two cases of gonorrhea,and abandonment) and all of those women felt justified because they felt their husbands were indifferent to their needs. That was what I was cautioning against. I have seen marriages fall apart when the wife felt the husband did not grow into being the man she thought he would be. Unmet needs are what I was citing as a cause of many divorces. Whether or not those needs are unreasonable is where the fight begins. I think gently experimenting with different sex acts is, relatively, not as big a deal as, as I have seen some women do, asking a man to find a way to double his income. You seemed to be implying the request could be rejected out of hand. I was suggesting that can have consequences that were destructive in a marriage. But I have no issue with your last comments. I agree with you.
  
  But for the record, I did not ever say that if a woman refuses anal she is degrading her husband and causing him to cheat. I said, it is degrading to see women (amateurs, not pros), who have no relationship with a man, give him anal, while his wife, to whom he is committed, refuses to even consider it with him. And I stand by my comments; both men and women are put at risk for infidelity if they feel their partners are indifferent to their sexual and emotional needs. In ob-gyn rounds I never saw or heard of a woman damaged by sex, other than in cases of forcible rape, or an adult brutalizing a child. Your advice to couples to give it a try suggests you don't really see very many serious problems either. You wouldn't suggest couples try something you thought was seriously dangerous. I can tell you are a compassionate advocate for your patients. Your summation of my words lost something in the retelling. But generally, I agree with your last post.

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  by Nightwing on November 10th, 2010

• We have a had a mutual misunderstanding. It happens. I do want to clarify one thing. I DO feel that anal sex is seriously dangerous, I know this for a fact. I suggest doing it on each other in cases where the couple is deadlocked. The husband is going to leave or cheat if she will not do it. I suggest this only as a means to help HIM understand the pain and harm he is inflicting. In all these years, I have NEVER had a husband agree to this exchange. This refusal leads us, as a group, into a situation where he must explain WHY it is ok to do it to her, but not for her to do it to him. I do suggest it, despite my concerns. I have seen, heard, read and know many, many women who have been damaged by anal sex (and some men, too)Asking the husband to allow his wife to sodomize him usually ends the debate. Do they still go cheat? Some of the time, but most of the time, they were cheaters before they married anyway. Just my opinion, but I really don't believe that emotionally attached people will cheat over anal sex alone.

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  by Bryce on November 10th, 2010

• I've enjoyed hearing your comments and appreciate the seriousness with which you deal with this subject. I think your counseling strategy is fair, though as males, we don't tend to be poked during sex, so asking a man to do that is probably always going to be a deal breaker. Also, would most women even want a man who readily consented to having her use a dildo on his butt? But I like the fact that you are encouraging conversation and communication and that is healthy for a marriage, even if the result is somebody doesn't get what they want. The issue is to make the person who is disappointed stil feel as if s/he is loved. You seem to be trying to achieve that. Good for you.

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  by Nightwing on November 10th, 2010

• LOL, you are right, we don't want to be poked during sex, but they don't want to be poked there either. As for the women, you'd be surprised how willing these owmen are after months, or even years of being harassed and threatened over this issue. Sometimes I fear they might yank a dildo out of their bag right on the spot! The whole point of my strategy is to get the empathy and communication flowing. MANY men change their mind on the subject once they actually stop and think of how it would feel to have it done to them. Some of these men are just totally lacking the abilty to empathize and they don't really mind hurting her; but MOST of them aren't that way. Most of them are just regular guys who see this in porn and honestly never even considered that it is painful or harmful. Education is a must on this issue, and I personally feel that the porn industry needs to be held accountable for the damage that is being done to both men and women.
  The tv show "jackass" is legally required to display warning of the dangers in their show. "Do not try this at home" The porn industry should be required to do the same.
  Really nice talkin with ya Countcyber, glad we got this all straightened out.

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  by Bryce on November 10th, 2010