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by Anonymous on June 27th, 2006

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My wife claims that she has a low sex drive. Is this just an excuse for an underlying problem of no longer being in love with me?

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  • by Shabba on June 27th, 2006

    Shabba

    Not necessarily. Many things can affect a person's libido. Stress, illness and health problems, relationship problems and environmental factors can all reduce a person's libido.

    My first thought would be to do a check on your relationship. Find out if she is satisfied with the relationship as it is. Are you satisfied with your relationship?

    You don't say how old you are, but being a woman, if she is at menopausal age, then going through menopause can cause great fluctuations in sex drive.

    Has she been ill lately, or under a lot of stress? Stress from work can be a big problem. How is your domestic life? Are you having family or financial struggles? All of these things can really stress out women (and men) and cause loss of libido.

    As for the 'not being in love any longer' issue, I would say that *if* it seems she's not satisfied with you anymore, it would be more to do with your relationship. Women need affection and intimacy to be able to function sexually. A woman who is starved for affection will not feel at all like having sex.

    The difficult flip side to this is that many experts now acknowledge that sexual intimacy is one of the main ways that men express their affection... So if he doesn't get any, he doesn't feel like being affectionate. If she doesn't get any affection, she doesn't feel like giving sex. It can become a very nasty vicious circle that destroys relationship.

    If this is the case (and only you will be able to determine this), how do we stop it? The first thing is deciding if you are willing to make the first move. If she is feeling starved of attention and affection, make it a point to give her as much as possible (preferably without any sexual direction). As she starts to feel more loved and fulfilled in her relationship, you will more than likely find that she will become more willing in bed - that missing sex drive may just suddenly reappear.

    If it's not a relationship issue, I would recommend that you both sit down and examine your lifestyle and see if there are areas that are causing you both stress and anxiety, and find ways to reduce or eliminate that. If you haven't had a vacation for a while, maybe take a week away. If you have children, and nearby grandparents, see if you can leave the kids with them for a week and just head off for some quality time.

    At the end of the day, your relationship with your wife is the most important thing. After the kids grow up and leave home; after you retire from work; after all your mates are off on retirement (or in retirement homes...), all you will have left is each other. If you don't have a relationship when you reach this point... well, what will you have?

    Just some thoughts.

    Comments

    • What an excellent answer - that's so true about a woman not feeling like having sex if the emotional intimacy isn't already there.

      yoho05 reminds you to DYOH

      by yoho05 reminds you to DYOH on August 24th, 2006

    • great answer!

      Sunshine1

      by Sunshine1 on January 27th, 2008

    • What an amazing answer!!

      swheaty

      by swheaty on January 2nd, 2009

    • My husband often thinks this of me and I have had to explain to him the factors which make it so my drive is not as high as his. I take medications which can reduce it. I have to take them they keep me well- he is aware I have to take them. Another reason is I was not raised in a family open to talking about sex- my family is conservative, religious I knew waiting for marriage was right and I followed that. I have told him many times that it cannot be all me making the move to initate sex- as he seems to think I should. I would like to be the one talked into it for once, the old romantic charm etc- It cant be all me wooing him. But I certainly love him, I do for him, we do have sex I think no less than the average, he lets it pray on his mind a little too much and I feel that he never is satisfied so sometimes I do say no, I want it to be mutually enjoyable. So your wife is not the only one but if she shows love in other ways, in words and deeds this too can come in time if you understand each other and come to a comfortable agreement of meeting these needs.

      MrsCRE

      by MrsCRE on January 25th, 2010

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