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by Whizzell on February 18th, 2008

Whizzell

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When i talk to girls i like i become really shy and i loose all my confidence but when i'm talking to a girl i'm not interested in i'm fine. Does anyone have any pointers in coming across more confident?

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  • by Brand Y on February 18th, 2008

    Brand Y

    Yeah, forget about trying to come across "more confident", and learn to just be yourself and be present.

    What does that mean? It means that you let go of ideas about how you SHOULD be, and learn how to be who you actually ARE. We are all the unwitting recipients of images... from movies, TV, books, others in our lives... and those images tell us how we should be. So you probably have ideas of what a "confident guy" looks and acts like, and then you compare yourself to those ideas, and come up on the short end of the comparison.

    Failing that comparison tests causes you to become self-conscious. What there is to do is to start noticing what is going on with your own thoughts and feelings when you're around girls. See if you can catch yourself doing this very thing. Notice how oppressive it is to be tormented by these notions about how you should act, your expectations about what girls will respect, etc. All of that drivel consumes so much of your mind that you really can't just relax and be yourself, which is the key to... <drum roll> ... true confidence!

    You're already OK just as you are. You don't need to be "improved". The best YOU that you can be is to be yourself, and if you locate that sense of clarity, confidence comes for free with it. Every other form of confidence is actually a form of pretense. Not very satisfying.

    Comments

    • Your theories here are really amazing. I completely agree with you about the media teaching us how to act. It was spot on.

      Canoodle

      by Canoodle on March 14th, 2008

    • Thanks, Canoodle. But I can't take credit for that stuff, it's standard Zen. :)

      Brand Y

      by Brand Y on March 14th, 2008

    • don't be shy when you talk to girls and be brave when you do talk to girls

      rorbio

      by rorbio on October 31st, 2009

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