• a million people are dead in the Iraq war if the yellowstone volcano blows up, we're all dead we're over 2000 years overdue to this thing blowing up, so anytime now Iowans are in flood china is trapping live goldfish in olympic keyrings little children are in SWEATSHOPS in india hope u feel better :)
  • A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
  • A 10 year old boy approaches his father and says "Hey Dad will you help me with my homework? I have to tell the difference between theorically and realisticly." The father says "Sure son, I'll help. What I want you to do is go ask your sister if she would have sex with a man for 1 million dollars." So the kid runs off and and he comes back 2 minutes later. He says "Sis said that she would definetly have sex with a man for 1 million dollars." The father nods and says "Great, now go ask your mother the same thing" The kid runs off and returns 2 minutes later. "Mom said she would definetly have sex with a man for 1 million dollars." The father nods and says "You see son, theoreticlly, we're sitting on 2 million dollars. Realistically, we're living with a couple of whores." And 1 more: So a guy goes to the hospital because his wife has been in a horrible car accident. The doctor approaches him and says "Mr. Paterson, I'm terriably sorry, but your wife has been in a horrible accident. I'm afraid she's completely brain dead. You're life is going to be very different from now on. You're going to have to cook for her, feed her, change her, bath her, you're going to have to do everything for her. She's completely incapable of taking care of herself. You're going to have to be there for her 24 hours a day." The guy starts to cry and says "O my God, that's horrible." The doctor says "I'm just f***ing with you, she's dead."
  • having a bad day means that there is a good one coming so just remember that i woke up in a puddle of drool this morning and my dog was too far away to blame!
  • hope this will bring a smile to your face
  • The one time in my life I got into trouble was a DUI. I was sentenced to 1 year in a 12 steps program of my choice. I was really trying hard not be late for my first meeting ever, but I was starving. I slammed into a McD's drive thru and sped off to the meeting. When I got there I asked for directions to the 12 step meeting and got my answer. As I plopped down into my chair I began eating as fast as I could so I wouldn't interrupt the meeting which was now running late. Everyone kept staring at me wolfing this food because I didn't want to be disruptive when it began. Finally, a man comes in and bangs the gavel. He then says, "The meeting for Overeater's Anonymous is now coming to order." I almost choked! I wished I HAD choked! Thank your lucky stars it didn't happen to you!
  • Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make everything up!
    • Cry me a River
      That’s right. Atoms are made up! Nothing was and God spoke!!
  • Two biscuits were sitting in the oven. The first biscuit says "Is it just me, or is it getting rather hot in here?" The second replies "Holy shit, a talking biscuit!"

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