My boyfriend thinks when we hold hands he is the only one who can lead the way. He told me to f...en grow up because I thought holding hands was a act of love not dominance of men or women. after a year of dating i found out his standpoint. what to do?
by 
newyork75
ANSWERS: 6
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You know, I think you might be right about the dominance thing. Now that I think about it when I was young my boyfriend used to do that and I would automatically follow. Never even occurred to me that was what he was doing. Good question. Don't hold hands if he is going to be such a jerk.
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Start shopping for a replacement boyfriend with fewer insecurity issues.
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If he feels this strongly about a simple matter such as hand-holding, you can bet that it's only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to his views on gender roles. Consider it a pretty severe red flag, and make a mental note of any other behavior he may exhibit that indicates similar viewpoints on male dominance. If you start to see a pattern, get rid of him.
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Holding hands is an act of affection/security. We hold hands with our children, because we love them, and want to keep them safe (of course, this could be dominance, in some way). We hold hands with our romantic interests, because it is intimate. Let him know that you aren't a little girl, and that you don't need your hand held, unless it is out of affection. Life is far too short to waste even 10 minutes with an arrogant a$$hole. You have spent a year, and mention that you just discovered this now, so perhaps hand holding was taught to him as a child to be for security. Who knows. If he truly is controlling and overbearing... Set him on the curb and drive off into the sunset.
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To me there are two major red flags in this situation: the obvious of that he believes that holding hands is an act of dominance, which points out that he is, if not only a little, a bit of a misogynist. The other big red flag would be how he reacted when you told him how you felt about it: telling you to "f..ing grow up" is condescending towards you, and looks like a sign of how he might feel about affection in general. By reacting this way he demonstrates, at least to me, that he is very cold & harsh, not to mention domineering. Now I could be wrong, as you say it has taken you this long to figure out this aspect of his personality. You should talk with him about it and see how he reacts. Think about how it makes you feel, and consider whether or not you think the relationship is worth it if he does turn out to be an arrogant, condescending sexist. My advice would be that he isn't worth it if that is how he really is - these types of guys are not fun to date, trust me.
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This is true of my ex and holding hands. Never connected this to a sign of dominance but he definitely is a misogynist -- cruel, mean and at the same time controlling me thru seductive and romantic behavior. Bringing me close and then rejecting me, always keeping me off balance and insecure. Triggering me and then lashing out that I am weak and not a strong woman! I am being strong because it's been 4 months since he's moved away but continues to hook me thru text messages and phone calls... hmmmmmm...gotta stay strong.
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