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by Helz on September 12th, 2006

Helz

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Two years ago I was raped by a boyfriend, and I've been insecure ever since. My new boyfriend of 1 year looks at porn which makes me feel even more insecure. I can't trust him to stop, though he said he would. What can I do?

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Answers. 19 helpful answers below.

  • by Mini_kilt on May 16th, 2007

    Mini_kilt

    First of all, Pornography is a healthy and normal thing for people to look at, it does NOT suggest any sort of addiction or disability and does NOT mean he likes being with you or loves you any less, it just means he's human.

    You should seriously consider counselling, what you are feeling is very normal and very easy to overcome by talking it out. Lots of people get therapy, it is a very common and helpful thing. I'm betting your local health authority will be able to offer you some resouces for free.

    You need to take care of yourself and love yourself properly before trying to fix your relationship.

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  • by FreeRadical Jetpacking for Nelson on May 16th, 2007

    FreeRadical Jetpacking for Nelson

    It sounds like a major compatibility issue. Porn is something for couples or singles...not one part of a couple. If he likes it, and you do not, you need to move on. And anyone who says something as tremedously stupid, like "how exactly it got to a point where your boyfriend HAD to rape you?" is not someone from whom you should take advice. Take care, you deserve the best life has to offer.

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  • by Galeanda on May 16th, 2007

    Galeanda

    He won't stop. It's more addictive than drugs and the need for worse and worse porn keeps growing. If it bothers you, you willhave to leave him. Only if he admits its a horrible problem and goes for help might there be a chance. Tret it like drugs, it's that hard to break.

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  • by Roger Kovaciny on September 12th, 2006

    Roger Kovaciny

    Dump the loser and get a real man with a real life.

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  • by wthing8 on December 18th, 2008

    wthing8

    Seek medical help. Do not pass on your baggage to him or he will leave.

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  • by Althea Randolf on May 16th, 2007

    Althea Randolf

    Almost everyone looks at porn. When you move in together, that will probably (and SHOULD) stop (unless you're okay with it to begin with). Masturbation and pornography tend to go hand in hand, and there's nothing wrong with it, and that doesn't make him some strange deprived deviant.

    Just let him know how you feel about it. However, a man will most likely masturbate even if you ask him not to just because it is both annoying and can be painful to have an unattended to erection. Sometimes masturbating before the day starts is a good way for them to keep their penis in check. At night I am told it helps them sleep better.

    Instead of him looking at porn, why don't you get involved with him when he feels horny? Mutual masturbation is a lot of fun and is very healthy, and it will help steer him away from that kind of outlet.

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  • by ciaobellamy on May 16th, 2007

    ciaobellamy

    You need to work on your insecurities first and foremost. If your boyfriend looks at porn and you don't like it, maybe he's just not the man for you. If he told you he will stop, then all you can do is wait and see. I offer my opinion when i say it will be a losing battle to get him to stop. If you can't handle it then you probably need to move on.

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  • by Just Me on November 12th, 2009

    Just Me

    It depends on how into the porn he is. If he only watches it once in a while the I don't think it's a terrible thing. But if he watches it all the time then it's a sign of addiction.

    If he told you he'd stop then why would you not trust him? Has he lied to you before? If so, then ditch him and find someone more suited to your needs. If, however, he has not lied to you about important things then he has given you no reason to be suspicious about anything. Try to trust him.

    About your rape, I'm sorry such a thing happened to you. I think counselling will help you to deal with that issue which has nothing to do with your current boyfriend or his watching of porn. Make sure you seperate the two issues and deal with them individually. The rape will most likely effect you whether or not you are with this guy, whether or not he's watching porn, and whether or not you are able to move on. That's how therapy will help.

    That's what I think you can do.

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  • by Anonymous on September 20th, 2009

    Anonymous

    You need to sit down with a counselor.

    But no he probably won't stop watching porn.

    Remember your current BF's habits have nothing to do with your past BF's assault.

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  • by Indigo- in the library with the revolver on June 14th, 2009

    Indigo- in the library with the revolver

    I know this question is old, but I'm going to answer it anyway, for the benefit of the questioner or anyone else in a similar situation...

    Well, of course I would recommend counseling, first off.

    From what I've seen, there's plenty of porn that seems creepy and/or degrading; if you want you can try and find some non-degrading porn (made by people who actually enjoy themselves and don't act sleazily -- no fakeness or forced looking acts).
    Also, tell him exactly why it makes you uncomfortable and try to work from that.
    However, by no means should you stay with someone whose actions you find uncomfortable. I don't think porn is inherently bad or good (just the way that it's made) but if you feel bad because of it no one has the right to tell you to shut up and cope with it, as if your feelings aren't valid. There are other ways to express sexuality -- or not, if you choose not to -- and if he and you just don't agree perhaps it would be better if you took a break or split up.
    Rape greatly changes peoples' relationships to sex, and requires you to work through your definitions of it all over again and redefine it for yourself. And just because for some people watching porn brings enjoyment doesn't mean you have to like it, whether just for now or ever.

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  • by Ankhorite on October 16th, 2007

    Ankhorite

    There are a lot of issues here:

    1. You need counseling about the rape. Insecure... do you mean you feel unsafe? Or unattractive?

    2. Porn: my mother taught me not to care if men like to look at paper dolls. She was right; it doesn't bother me at all and it has never damaged a relationship I've been in. Porn doesn't mean your man doesn't love you. It doesn't mean you don't satisfy him. It just means he likes to look at naked ladies. On the other hand, the guys I've gone out with only liked standard porn. There was nothing about violence or kids in the porn they liked. If you find that kind of porn around, run like a bunny; get away from him.

    3. I don't think you are comfortable in this relationship, and i don't think it's worth saving. You need to take care of yourself BY YOURSELF first.

    4. Also, you will never, ever change him if masturbating to porn is something he likes and something you find offensive. Don't waste your time trying. Don't push him into making unreasonable promises. If that's how he is, that's normal for him (and normal for the majority of men) and you can't change that any more than you can try to make a cat stay awake in the daytime and sleep at night. Most fish don't learn to fly, most birds don't learn to swim, and most men who like porn a lot don't manage to give it up.

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  • by beenaroundtheblock on May 16th, 2007

    beenaroundtheblock

    What hasn't he already stopped? I think the answer to that will tell you a lot. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. If he really cared about you and he knew it bothered you, he should have boxed it all up that day -and he would have, if he had a "I could take it or leave it" attitude. My gut says he's probably not for you.

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  • by sonnyk on September 12th, 2006

    sonnyk

    Personally, the base of any successful relationship is Trust and Faith. If you can't trust him. then, this is not an healthy relationship.
    ....and if you dont like him watching porn,then he should stop watching it but at the same thime,you should give him a chance. If he still continues to wacth it, then you need to move on and find something better. hope this helps.

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  • by A on December 2nd, 2010

    A

    Don't punish a current boyfriend for an ex-boyfriend's mistakes. I know it's easier said than done, but strive for that.

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  • by XxSpoofiesGirlxX on September 12th, 2006

    XxSpoofiesGirlxX

    Its all about trust if theres no trust you cant have something without being in doubt. If he cares abut you like he says and had agreed to stop looking at this he would do it out of respect for you. If this guy doesnt want to work with you to make you feel safe and secur I would say to move on and find someone who will love you and treat you like a queen. Believe it or not there are guys out there you jut have to wait to find one, but eventualli one will come knocking at your door and you will see how great it will be.

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  • by Anonymous on November 3rd, 2009

    Anonymous

    I understand where you are coming from. You can quietly set up a small filter on opendns.com. you have to log in and set the settings. It has pornography along with other settings. You can reformat the computer, replace the computer, even change computers. You can never get past the settings unless you go online to modify them. I do understand where this female is coming from. The pictures show flashbacks of similar occurence. However, it would be best for the victim to go to the police to file on ex boyfriend to have justice and past put behind. If you do not, it will hold you from advancing forward. I am a rape victim, I look at some porn, it doesn;t mean it will happen again though. that is where you need to build security.

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  • by haggis on May 16th, 2007

    haggis

    talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. he needs to respect your past even though he probably won't understand it. its probably not totally fair that you try to control him. i do recommend that maybe you ask him not to do it around you.
    that it be something he does in his own privacy which i think is a better set-up in general. you should probably look into therapy to help you work through the trauma of rape. i wish you the best of luck.

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  • by Barefootin on December 12th, 2009

    Barefootin

    First off, I am sorry you were raped. I hope you have had some counceling and have had help in dealing with it. Your boyfriend won't stop looking at porn. He will tell you he will, but he won't. You have to deal with your issues of why it bothers you and work on yourself. You can't change the boyfriends actions, but how you respond. Again, I am sorry for your pain.

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  • by .avallach on May 16th, 2007

    .avallach

    I'm just curious why you can't trust him to stop. But let me say, his looking at porn is in no way a reflection on you. Porn is an addiction and not something he just watches because you don't look like the girls doing it. I hope that helps somewhat.

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