I am the one that posted the question. By now many of you may know my first born child age 14 passed at the hands of a drunk driver. I was left with one other son who is healthy, has done excellent and is a good professional. When he was 32 he met this beautiful girl, fell in love and got married. I never felt too good about her because she would not make eye contact and it bothered me very much, according to my husband I was perhaps jealous as she was taking my baby.About a year after the marriage my son called us in distress, something was very wrong in his home. We immediately went over and I will never forget what I saw. This beautiful girl had turned into some kind of a monster, she looked terrible and was rapidly walking all over the house talking to herself and hitting & kicking the furniture, each time she went near my son she would hit him very hard or scratch him. My son was panic stricken. I was the one that called a doctor almost right away and also called her mother. They got to my son's almost right away. The doctor grabbed her and took her into the bedroom and closed the door. We were left with my son and her mother. I checked my son and he was truly distressed. I felt this horrible fury inside and addressed her mother who looked quite scared. All I said was: What does this mean you must know and you are going to tell us? She then confessed their long kept secret, my in law was Bipolar & also had PTSD, she was having one of her episodes. She had not told my son of her mental illness as she was afraid he would not marry her. So she lied to my son and to everybody else. When the doctor was through I was about to pass out, I could have killed my in law's mother. The doctor told us he had to institutionalize her right away until she was over this severe episode. We called and ambulance and took her to the hospital, I did not allow my son to be with her in the ambulance and I told her mother she was the one to go along with her daughter. A couple of days later we spoke to the doctor. He said she had had this disorder since childhood, that this was her aprox. 100th. episode and that it usually took her about a month to pull out of it. My in law's mother was with us, so I asked a few questions: 1] How long was he treating her? [23 years] 2] Why was this not informed to my son before the marriage? Dr's. Reply: This is a private matter she did not have an obligation to tell anyone. My reply: Since she is such a private person why the hell did she not marry someone like her and not sacrifice my son. My son is not anyone!!! 3] What about her medications? [Was told what they were and side effects] 4] Can she have normal children? [Not while on medications] 5] Can her child inherit this mental illness? [Yes] 6] Dr. do you consider this to be a private problem? [Yes I do] 7] Why did you not marry her instead of my son? [Silence] 8] My question to her mother. Did you really think you would get away with this? [Silence] 9] To her mother again. Do you know we can have this marriage annulled by the Catholic Church because of what you two have done? [Silence] 10] To the Dr. and the mother: Do you know we can sue you both for this? [Silence] My son decided to to take a chance and get along with his marriage, not to have children at all and to help her get better. My husband was shocked and so was I. Ever since our lives have been a nightmare, that is the reason why we stayed in South America and are still here emotionally supporting our son and helping in all we can. I will never forgive my in law and her parents for this. I have taken every possible course on this disorder I even ordered some from home. Now please answer the question I have asked, with full honesty and your hand over your heart please. Thank you.

I have had some things come up in my life that could parallel this, though not the same story. What worked for me was to see a psychologist immediately. Between the tips I got from him, and sharing similar experiences with other people in group therapy, I was able to find some peace. Your son has to come to his own terms with this, and you will find in time that you can too. First and foremost: DO NOT try to fix her or him. That is not your place. Just work on your own situation, find out the coping behaviors that will work for you. The psychologist helped me to work out a "script" that I could use. We wrote down the "safe" things I could say that would not be confrontational or judgmental. It worked well, and the entire thing is water under the bridge, after several years.

with all due respect...your son is an adult of at least 32. sounds like you are trying to baby him and run his life. be supportive of him and his decisions. try to be supportive of his wife and family. its not your problem...its his. let him live his life and move away.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your family, but honestly, I think if you don't get control of your anger, everyone will lose. I understand why you're angry, but telling your in-laws you could sue them isn't going to help anything. Your son needs your love and support right now - his wife has just suffered a breakdown, after all, and he's in shock. "Least said, soonest mended" would be a good saying for you to keep in mind right now. Do more listening than talking. Kindness from you will help everyone more than harsh condemnation of things you can't change. Please, for the sake of everyone involved, remember love. Be a loving mother to your son. In the long run, you will deeply regret anything else. The anger that you show these people will haunt you until the day you die. It doesn't have to be that way.

MYOB. I'm sorry. Your SON married the lady he loves, and who loves him. You can support him in his love for her, but it's HIS business, not yours. Yes, you are upset... You're upset that ... 1) ... apparently she kept this problem from him. How long were they together before they married? Wasn't it just possible that she had had an episode during that time that maybe YOU didn't know about? ... Maybe even HE didn't know about? If so, how'd she explain the time she was away from him? 2) ... her MOTHER kept this from you and, apparently, your son. This was not her place to say anything to anyone about this. It was the daughter's place. Reverse the situation... If your SON had the problem, and told YOU not to say anything (maybe that HE would handle it), would you? Truely, would you? I doubt it. 3) ... her DOCTOR kept this from you, and apparently, your son. Again, it was not his place. In fact, with the doctor/patient relationship, he COULDN'T say anything, unless she gave him permission to do so. 4) ... you feel your son is sacrificed. This is not true at all. You should be proud your son stands by his wife with both love and compassion. He sounds like a wonderful man. You raised him to be such, so YOU did a good job. 4) ... that you will not have bloodline grandchildren. They can always adopt. I know people who have, and believe me, the grandfather loves them just as much as if they were his bloodline. (So did their great grandmother.) Again, it was NOT her parent's place to tell anyone anything. And the doctor, by law - HERE anyway - is not ALLOWED to divulge priviledged information. You should apologize to both of them. (You WERE upset. And, since your son has decided to remain with her, you WILL be in contact with them. Probably BOTH of them. Wouldn't it be better if it was at least CIVIL?) I'm sure your son knows you support him. If this is the only reason you're staying in SA, then leave. If you are there to support him, his decision, HIS WIFE, and HER family, then stay, if you (and he) want(s). As mentioned by others, there are support groups, for both those who have Bipolar & PTSD, and their families. I suggest you get in touch with them. Good luck. ;-/

i would have reacted the same way but for someone who has been in your daughter in-laws shoes it's not really her fault and you can't expect her to tell him...she doesn't think right

Several people have already answered this, but I wanted to just offer something for you, Moonwalker. I hope you're feeling a little calmer now? You need to give yourself a little space then you will be able to think more clearly. First, I think you may be suffering from unresolved grief over the sad loss of your other precious son. This can affect you in ways you're not even aware of and may be contributing to your anger and despair. You need to get some counselling for grief - believe me, it can really help. Secondly, you speka of 'sacrifice' in relation to your son's dilemma. He isn't dead. Also, he has a mind of his own but if you try to control him he will be torn between trying to please you and trying to help his own situation. If you leave then maybe he will realize for himeself that he's in a relationship that may be doomed to failure, since it was based on 'secrets' in the first place. If he loves her, he'll try to hold on until the situation becomes unbearable. If you're constantly 'supporting' him he may be shielded from his real feelings? Look after yourself. Get some help for yourself, go and live in Scotland and keep in touch with your son as much as possible. Tell him you love him and want him to be happy. Tell him you trust him to make the right decisions in his life. And, finally, ask yourself, how much of your distress is caused by the fact that you know they can't have children? Nobody can replace what you have lost, grandchildren can make us feel we have a stake in the future but really all any of us have is right here and now. lol x

Moonwalker, I know I'm answering this a couple days late, but I wanted to let you know that I am a 35-year-old woman and I've been living with Biploar Disorder since I was 15-years-old. Bipolar Disorder affects the diseased person individually. As with autism, NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EXACT SYMPTOMS, LIFE OR CIRCUMSTANCES. That is the truth whether you choose to except it or not. I've been on many different medications throughout the years until I have finally found a mixture and dose that's worked for me. The mixture that has worked for me may also be good for someone else or it can be a fatal mixture. EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT BIOCHEMISTRIES AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE THE EXACT SAME. If I were to say I suffer from diabetes, it would be more excepted. As with diabetes, when people have to take isulin, or as with heart disease when people have to take medicine to lower blood pressure, people with Bipolar Disorder have to take medicine also, to regulate the nuerotransmitter imbalances in the brain and to chemically maintain normal serotonin levels. I have to take meds daily for MY disease which affects about 2 percent of the world's population, for the rest of my life and I am completely OK with that. I feel that this disease can be easily discriminated against because other people find it hard to accept it as a "disease" or they have no knowledge at all of what it even is. Some have blamed it on bad parenting, negative thinking and overemotional reactions. That is why most people choose to keep it to themselves and honestly, it's their decision whether they choose to or not. I really feel for your son and I really feel for your daughter-in-law. IT IS NO ONE'S FAULT. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, your son obviously loves this woman and is there for her when she needed it most. What a loving husband. I'm sure if the situation was reversed, she would have done the same. To make her feel discriminated against in a crisis situation like this one is the worst thing that you can do for your son. Offer as much support as possible but don't try and make decisions for him. He's an adult. And he is still absorbing this. Just because you have Bipolar Disorder doesn't mean that your life is over. I can't stand it when people think like that, it's really really sad because it is so untrue! I have a healthy "normal" life. I have a loving husband and we have three VERY healthy children. Actually, they are ALL on the honor roll!! What a life I was able to have! So to think that their life is "doomed" is absurd. Maybe you should have a chat with my husband and all of my other in-laws. They all accept me for WHO I AM, disease or not. Please don't lose hope because there are ways that people with this disease can lead normal lives. Famous people who are open about them having Bipolar Disorder are: Ben Stiller, Patty Duke, Carrie Fisher, Margot Kidder, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Robert Downey Jr., Dick Cavett, Tim Burton, Francis Ford-Coppola, Adam Ant, Axl Rose and Gordon Sumner (we know him as Sting). Some of them have had extreme episodes, and most have dealt with their problem and moved on with their careers and lives. They keep going. Here are some websites that will help you and your family and/or friends (the most important supporters of all) who are affected: Bipolar Disorders Treatment Information Center www.miminc.org/aboutbipolarinfoctr.html Bipolar Person's Significant Others (BPSO) www.bpso.org I hope that your son, you and the rest of the family affected can learn all that you can about Bipolar Disorder. Never stop learning about it. I never ever will. Please, Moonwalker, DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE.

Moonwalker, I am so glad that I I helped shead a little light in this situation you are in. But you have to remember it isn't her parent's fault at all when they chose to honor their daughter's privacy. But I can understand how you felt so betrayed as it IS a serious lifelong condition. There is this book that I absolutely swear by. It is witten by a woman who has lived with Bipolar Disorder for over forty years. Her sister also had it but her life ended tragically at her own hands. This made the surviving sister so determined to wonder WHY this disease is so complex and HOW it even exists. My husband read it and said "My GOD! It seems as if YOU wrote this book!" It was scary to say but I swear this woman was writing through my brain. All the way to the little habits she would have that I thought I was only person that did those things. I never feel like a "freak" anymore, like I did for years. If you'd like to check it out it is called: 'Bipolar Disorder Demystified: Mastering the Tightrope of Manic Depression' By: Lana R. Castle. In the beginning of the book, she describes it PERFECTLY:'Living with Bipolar Disorder is much like living your life on a tightrope- not because you choose to walk that tightrope but because IT'S THE ONLY AVAILABLE SURFACE UPON WHICH YOU CAN WALK. Imagine being destined to walk that rope forever- either romping ecstatically across it or fighting a force that is pulling you down, and rarely achieving that elusive level ground. This is the experience of Bipolar Disorder. UNTREATED, Bipolar Disorder can put you one story or even five stories up when you're high. Sometimes it feels GREAT to be up on that rope because incredible surges of energy and power make you think you're invincible and you believe wholeheartedly that you can pull of any trick you try, you with certainty that you'll walk away unscathed. Other times you'll feel you've fallen from your rope and you'll feel you're one story or even five stories down when you're low. You may lie tangled in the net or stuck in a dark abyss below. Or the tightrope you've been walking may now bind your body and threaten to cut you in half.If your lucky, you may experience balance for a while. But you can never fully trust your next step. You can never fully trust your own mind.' When I read this opening, I had tears flowing because she GOT it. I really suggest to purchase it and read it. It's really informative. I really wish you and your family the best and I hope they can understand how hurt and isolated you felt about your situation. I hope maybe one day you and your daughter-in-law will form a bond to where she feels ok to come to you about certain things. In time things will fall into place. You're in my thoughts Moonwalker. I have faith.

Moonwalker, I read that your daughter-in-law rejects you because she fears you. One of the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder is delusions. I remember having a lot of them. I would think people were talking about me when they weren't or that they were racist when they weren't or that they completely hated me when the thought never cossed their mind. In a relationship I had previous to my husband, I always thought my ex-boyfriend was talking to another woman and taking her to lunch or something and the next time I would see him I would say "Why in the hell would you go out to lunch with a chick that I don't know"? He said "What on earth are you talking about?" I would start to believe the thoughts that I made up in my mind thinking that they were absolutely true with no reason or question of a doubt! I'm wondering if this is what she may be feeling and maybe having a delusion that she truly believes. I'm not a doctor so I don't know. But it's weird isn't it? I thought so! I thought these things were really happening and there absolutely wasn't even a clue as to WHY I would think there was. Zero. In the manic phase, this would happen to me and my thoughts would race so much I couldn't keep up with them. In the book I had told you about, the author called this a "brain-spin" when you feel as though your brain is spinning and trying to gather all the thoughts before they disintigrate. Or imagine having a cup and you put it under a dripping faucet then when the cup is full you can't stop the faucet or pull your cup away and it overflows your cup and keeps going. That is what a manic mind feels like to me. The only way she will get better is with time and embracing the fact that she's sick and it requires patience and definetely some understanding. But it was very thoughtful of you to ask the question for some honest help for your family. Good for you :) I hope things get better for you and never lose hope.

Any updates .. If so, I hope they are great!

To all of you good people who have answered this my question: I have an important update. My daughter in law left the hospital last month. She is doing very well but will be on her medicines for who knows how long. She looks great, she feels well and she is happy which comes to be the most important issue. A month has gone by and she has not had episodes, we watch her closely should those episodes come around and be able to detect them in due time to not allow them to get out of control. According to her doctor she is doing very well, her medicines are being reduced very slowly and we will just have to wait and see. When she left the hospital I asked her if she wished to do some fixing and changing around her beautiful apartment, she truly got excited with the idea and we went shopping with her mother, then went and got something to eat had good and pleasant long chats and she was as happy as a child can be. We have bought a whole lot of things she liked and now she is dedicating her time to redo her apartment. She is truly happy and enjoying it. A few days ago she told me that she felt very close to me even more so than her own mother, that she feels she is very much like me and that she loves me very much. I almost cried, but I am a tough one so I did not I simply hugged her and told her that she could always count on me as I am her second mother which in fact I am. A few months ago I had a private long chat with her mother, I told her about my hard feeling and the rest all of you know about. She explained her side of this issue, I did understand and forgive what has happened and now we are in the process of becoming good friends. I am doing my very best to forget the past, it is the best I can do for all of us. My son is a happy man again, his panic attacks have disappeared he is the one who makes the arrangements for the weekends and holidays, we all go together meaning my son, her mother, siblings, my husband and myself. We have good times and we try for her not to stress herself but enjoy whatever it is we are doing. When she is a bit moody she calls me and asks me if I can take her horse riding at our ranch, of course I do and we have a very pleasant day. She still did not get her 4X4 back because the doctor said "not yet", so I do the driving around but I always take her mother along. One of my brothers and a Scots friend of our have bought gorgeous apartments here is a very beautiful residential area, there is a great boom with foreigners buying properties as many are coming to retire in their beautiful new homes. Both asked me to help them furnish and arrange all necessary in their new properties, I told my in law about it and she was very enthusiastic about it and asked if she could help me. I told her that she could handle it all if she wished but I did not want her to get tired as there is no rush. Now she is quite busy with both apartments and her own and is doing a great job, I call her around early afternoon and tell her that I will drop by around tea time and take her out with her mom. That is a way to call it quits for the day so she won't over do herself. Now that you all know that things are working out well, please don't think I am not aware she may have a set back, I am quite aware but we are all doing what we can to avoid it and keep a close watch on her medicines and appointments with her doctor. I wish to thank you all for your words, your enormous moral help and advice. I truly don't know how to thank you all, all I can say is that you all have helped us so very much. Thank you, best regards and God bless you all. Moonwalker (the wife)

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