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by cowgirl83 on June 22nd, 2006

cowgirl83

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I gave birth to my child 24 weeks into the pregnancy. He was born alive and died 9 hours later when my fiancé decided to cut off his life support. It happened 2 years ago. Why can't I get over it?

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Answers. 10 helpful answers below.

  • by singwell-is off researching a lot on March 13th, 2007

    singwell-is off researching a lot

    You never get over things...the grief just fades and become bearable. But the fading can last a long time...after all, you held a little life in your hands for those 9 hours...grief has several stages:eg
    As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.

    DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again.

    ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."

    BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition.

    DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use".

    ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."


    The term stages indicates to many that you go through one after the other, but that is not always the case. Sometimes some stages revisit, and some people get stuck in one stage and cannot move.
    You sound like you are stuck in one of the stages, honey.
    I have put some pages to read through beneath, but I would strongly advise you to go and see a counsellor/pastor/priest/rabbi to talk things out. YOu need to move on. I don't mean forget or trivialise. I mean accept.
    All the best. If you want to talk go to my website webpastor.com and contact me through there: I am Sue and I am a pastor's wife.
    All the best. PRaying for you now.
    http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm
    http://fl.essortment.com/stagesgrief_rbdm.htm
    http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html

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  • by unknown on March 13th, 2007

    unknown

    This is a horrible tragedy. Your son died while you still had hope that he might live and that is not something easily overcome. Even in the best situations the loss of a child is devastating. Two years is not that long to grieve in this situation. Don't feel like you need to get over it. You may never completely get over it but it will with time hurt less and less. If there is anything I can do for you please feel free to call on me. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  • by Miesha on March 13th, 2007

    Miesha

    So Sorry to hear about your lost. Losing a love one especially a child is hard. You get attached to a child way before you give birth, so you are going to have a hard time getting over losing your baby. Have you tried talking to someone close to you, sometimes the more you talk about how your feeling the better you feel. If yor angry and sad those to feelings combined can take a toll on you. Try to talk about it with someone you trust and is understanding as much as you can, talking helps. If your angry you have a right to be, if your depressed you have aright to be. Remember everyone grieves differently. Hope I was helpful.

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  • by laurene on December 4th, 2006

    laurene

    I feel you, this hasnt happend to me, but a kind of same story happend with my grandma, and the doctors said she was getting better, but my grandpa pulled the plug.

    anways, its a very hard topic to speak of, you shouldnt feel the need to get over it, this was your baby, that you had lost with a lot of emotion to your new born. but you need to stay strong, dont always thing you need to put this in your past, this was part of your life. but if you feel like thinking about your baby, then try and do something postitive with that emotion.

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  • by Mousy1 on July 18th, 2006

    Mousy1

    Hi,
    I have had 2 stillborn babies and I sympathise what you are going through. The best way I felt in dealing with this loss is talk about it, talk about it with anyone who will listen, it will make you feel better. Also there are support groups that you can attend to discuss feelings etc. Also don't forget about your fiance, he has feelings too and it would have been an extremely hard decision for him to make to cut off the life support so he will be grieving also. Remember talk to each other and discuss how you are feeling. It's always going to be with you. I still think about my 2 little angels but live does go on and they would want you to live it to the fullest!!

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  • by Shabba on June 23rd, 2006

    Shabba

    I can understand why you'd be having a hard time. We lost our first child an hour after she was born, and it is a very hard thing to deal with. I think what would make it harder is the fact that your fiance turned off the life support... "What if we hadn't?" I truly do sympathise with your pain. Like Sunblynd said, there is no easy answer to this question. Losing a child is something that we never really forget - it is a scar we carry for life.

    All that I can suggest, from experience, is don't keep it to yourself. Please find a good friend, or a counsellor, to talk to. Professional counselling is worthwhile, because they will often be able to help with grief management. If you are religious, I would also suggest seeking support from your congregation or a counsellor from your faith (eg. Christian counsellor for christians, etc.)

    You have suffered an incredible loss, and nobody can expect you to just 'get over it'. Try not to feel like you are wrong to still grieve - it is a natural thing. Allow yourself to grieve, and seek counsel.

    If it offers any comfort, I am christian, and we believe in heaven. We believe that no child is lost by God - ours is there now, waiting for us, and we believe that yours will be there waiting for you as well. God be with you and bless you, and may you find peace and comfort with Him.

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  • by amanda_0517 on December 11th, 2006

    amanda_0517

    Well to tell you the truth you will never forget about it or get over it probably people have told me after I have another kid I will get over my lose but I don't know if I really will. EVerything just takes time and hang in there. GOOD LUCK! SOrry for your lose.

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  • by Anonymous on March 13th, 2007

    Anonymous

    your grief always remain the same size. At first the grief completly overshadows your whole life> as time goes on the your life starts to grow around the grief but it is always there.
    I kept expecting to 'feel better' after I lost my son but it didn't happen. I continue with my life doing what everyone expects of me and one day I faced up to the fact that the grief was always going to be there it was never going to magically disappear and oddly I felt better about it. I no longer felt under pressure from myself.

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  • by kat tarrin-AYPWIP on March 13th, 2007

    kat tarrin-AYPWIP

    i had a misscarriage about a year ago. lossing a child is not an easy thing to get over and truth fully i dont think it is somthing that you ever "get over". but i beleive that it is possable to make your peace with it. i tryed to make my peace with it but i see now that sence hte misscarriage waz not my fault so i first have to make my peace with the reason first.
    my suggestion is to make peace with the reason then the death. its a hard roan filled with pain and tears but when you come out the other side it will bw worth it.

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  • by jaysin on December 3rd, 2006

    jaysin

    You will never get over the loss of a child no matter how long ago it was. They will always be a part of you and that's why you can't and won't get over it.

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