"roses are red violets are blue, a face like yours belongs in the zoo, dont be sad, i'll be there too.. not in a cage but laughin at u!"

A girl came up to me and said "Hey, sexy!" I smiled and said "Yes?" She replied "Can you tell me where the optician is please?"

I'm going International...Enjoy. Best Jokes in the world: A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, bullet Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. bullet Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. bullet Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. bullet Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!” Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil. Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.” Top joke in UK A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” Top Joke in England Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.” Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.” Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.” Also Rans Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?” An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.” Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?” What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A Baboom ! A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !” Which day of the week do fish hate?....... Fry-Day Top Joke in Scotland I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

ok, this is just a stupid one that i heard from a friend... a little girl on her new bike sees an officer who tells her "thats a nice bike" she tells him "thanks i got it for christmas." they see again and he's on a horse. she says "nice horse. did santa bring you it?" he smiles and says "yes. thank you." she tells him "really? its messed up because the dick is suppost to be under the horse, not on top of it!"

When nature goes bad.....

thers a man walkin in the desert-been walking for days, no food no water, but pretty soon he comes to a spring with trees and rocks and water- and so he drops to his knees and gets a drink and washes up, when he looks up theres a tribal leader standing there, and he says to the man- you have two choices, death or wapoon. the man thinks..well i dont want to die, so i guess i choose wapoon, so the tribal leader takes him to the village- and all the village ppl rape him. and then let him go..so the man thinks..man that was horrible, i never want that to happen again but he keeps walking- even more miserable then before hungry, tired, sunburnt no food no water. but pretty soon he comes to another spring filled with water surrounded by rocks, so the man looks around and makes sure he cant see the tribal leader, drops to his knees gets a drink and washes up- when hes done, theres the same tribal leader standing there, and the man thinks holy crap, not again. the tribal leader says, you have two choices death or wapoon. so the man starts to think..wapoon is terrible, but i really dont want to die so i- i choose wapoon. so the tribal leader takes him back to the village, and all the ppl rape him, and then let him go. so he leaves feeling utterly violated, hungry, tired, no food no water, and he has a sunburn. but pretty soon- he comes to another spring, nothing around for miles, no rocks no trees nothing. but he looks for the tribal leader anyways..when he doesnt see him the man drops to his knees gets a drink and washes up. when hes done he looks up- and theres the same tribal leader- and the mans says..holy shit no way and the tribal leader says- you have two choices, death or wapoon the man says- not wapoon again, id rather die, so kill me now the tribal leader smiles and says- ok. death by wapoon. I hope this puts a smile on ur face!

George Carlin 101 one-liners courtesy of SweetT: 1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds! 2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. 3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense! 4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. 5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff? 6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade. 7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow. 8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up. 9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? 10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. 11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. 12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it. 13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. 14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” 15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. 16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. 17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. 18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. 19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor. 20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. 21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. 22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft. 23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.” 24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. 25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. 26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. 27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. 28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. 29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party. 30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick. 31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. 32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? 33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? 34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions. 35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. 36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat. 37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. 38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos. 39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook. 40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. 41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature. 42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. 43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason. 44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” 45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. 46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. 47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. 48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile. 49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade. 50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired. 51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? 52. What year did Jesus think it was? 53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. 54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. 55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. 56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. 57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. 58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it. 59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here. 60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash. 61. The future will soon be a thing of the past. 62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked. 63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. 64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. 65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. 66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences. 67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. 68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! 69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself. 70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.” 71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole. 73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. 74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? 75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it. 76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself. 77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. 78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. 79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat. 80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. 81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. 82. “No comment” is a comment. 83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. 84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob. 85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying. 86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been. 87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck. 88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? 89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to. 90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice. 91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. 92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it! 93. Hooray for most things! 94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff. 95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. 96. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. 98. Life is a zero sum game. 99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. 100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. 101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

The Whole Truth At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

Oh! a few.......