If they couldn't get over their old love, I'd leave the relationship. That person obviously isn't living "in the present", the past is history, and mostly it's boring. I'm sure you can find somebody that will keep their mind on you.

Honestly I would not have married that person knowing their heart didn't belong to me.

If I couldn't talk honestly with him about, then I would try counseling.

I might ask myself why the hell I got married in the first place to this asshole.

I don't know what I would do. All I know is that it would be most extremely painful.

Clancy, you say, "years later *you just know* he wishes he were with that other person". Are you sure you aren't assuming something without really *knowing*. I don't know how many years you are talking about, but it is unlikely any man would remain in a relationship very long if he were really unhappy. Most all of us had "loves" before we met or married our present s/o. Some may have been painful. That doesn't mean we are still "attached" emotionally to them. If this really bothers you after this long, you need to have a good, honest talk about how you feel.

I wouldn't have gotten married if I was the girl. Sometimes people think the other will learn to love them over time and forget the girl/guy from the past. However, in this case he didn't get over her. And she thought he would forget her but the more he fought her memory, the more it seemed to come back. He is doing the right thing to stay and the other girl who he is pining over is doing the right thing to stay w/ hers but they truly love each other. The wife knows that when stuff comes up she knows reminds him of the girl he left behind, he looks sad. The whole thing is sad.

Well, I wouldn't act on my suspicion unless he gave me a reason to. At least, I hope I wouldn't.

I am the other girl. Me and my fiance were too young to get married, still needed to finish college, still needed to get a little established work-wise, etc...people told us to...WAIT. I told him "Goodbye." Well, life happens and we did move on w/ our lives. When I fly back to see him in an impromptu visit, it was like nothing changed, just the years, except he told me he was engaged. Bittersweet. We both cried that evening and well, it still didn't seem like it was over. I didn't want to be the reason he would leave her and I wanted him to have come to that decision on his own or he would have a double whammy! The fiance finds out about it because he told her. All hell breaks loose. Stuff happened. But they get married. I find out he thought of me on his wedding day, his birthday, my birthday, New Year's, and all the days in between over the years. All the while I'm thinking he no longer needs me as I needed him and I chose to go on. I fought the feelings when songs would play and special occasions and he fought the feelings when things reminded him of me. It just never got easier for either of us. He calls me after all these years and tells me all of these things he couldn't keep inside anymore. Didn't want to die or something w/o me know the truth and well, it was just a very emotional time for both. Back to his wife, she knows he still misses me and thinks about me...and he knows he settled and she thinks she was wrong to stay but holds on to her "prize.' I am just wondering what it must be like to be the girl who knows her husband's heart is somewhere else. (believe me, I could w/o all this drama but it just feels right to have him in my life somehow...ugh)

Play him that song 'Unanswered Prayers' by Garth Brooks and tell him to get over it and grow up.

Their marriage isn't bad enough to leave but lacks the true intimacy we had/have. So he settles and I live w/ that, too. I am "ok" but it is truly intoxicating that someone out there thinks you are the one and thinks of you in this way...wouldn't you agree? I wouldn't want wht they have...the whole "he would rather be w/ her" set up. I will say that I know the one I am w/ loves me more than I him but you know, I have those days that I really love my husband and maybe have this unrealistic notion that it would be perfect w/ my old one/him. So you see, I still go back to my old fella...never really an EX. It was so right for so long and how do you shake someone who you still love or want in your life somehow. ISn't that what Kathryn Hepburn and Spencer Tracy had?????? ..

Having been in this situation... it is better to resolve it before getting married... it will never work out if one or both of your hearts belong to someone else. *sigh* and it doesn't get easier with time... every time something goes wrong he will think, "things wouldn't have been like this if I were with ______ " she will become a legend in his mind to the point that he idolizes her. Even though the love is there for the current relationship if he really loves someone else he has to choose to make this the relationship he wants to be in and let the love for the other person go, maybe through a personal goodbye or symbolic goodbye.... but believe me leaving this situation unresolved will only cause future problems. What if at some point that person comes to realize that they should have been together and tells your husband that? I just reread and realized you said you are married. So.... well what someone else said I wouldn't have gotten married knowing this (in my situation it was afterwards that I realized we were both still very much in love with someone else and were rebounds that got out of hand for each other.) Honestly... the only thing to do is ask that he end the other relationship in his mind. Possibly even meeting up with this person so that he can see she does have real life faults, and so on. But... that could definately backfire.... but either way sounds like you could possibly be in a loveless relationship that isn't healthy for you either. Good luck and I hope it works out better for you then it has for me.

im also going through a very similar situation i got married to the wrong person, and im totally in love with an old friend what do u do its right what clancy said how do u shake it off u cant help what your heart feels. I know my friend loves me too but it would cause so much trouble if we got together my husband can be violent and everyone would be against us what can we do it makes us both unhappy feeling this way although nothing has happened. when we see each other there is so much chemistry between us and its been for years how do u get rid of them feelings

huh?ok ? let him be with who he wants and find one that cares good men can be hard to find.