It's really good of you to give that dead woman another chance.

"Life is wonderful. Without it we'd all be dead."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest!"
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now."

Here are some by Rodney Dangerfield:

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

and that's what the doctor said.

If not now--never.

Mine and John Wayne's

one for the miserable fuckers in life:

what's crawled up your ass and bit you?

Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Eat right, stay fit, die anyway
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

A police officer was interviewing a young recruit. “If you’re driving on a lonely road at night,” the officer asked, “and you’re being chased by a gang of criminals going 100 kilometers an hour, what would you do?”

The applicant replied confidently, “110!”

Here is a line from stand up comedian Steven Wright:

Ever find it ironic that the only thing left standing after a house is burned down is the chimney and the fire extinguisher?