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by Im A Wife Now on April 19th, 2006

Im A Wife Now

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My husband watches porn everyday and pleases himself to it. I think that this is disrespectful and I've told him how I feel. Shouldn't he stop when he knows how much it hurts me?

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Answers. 26 helpful answers below.

  • by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on November 28th, 2007

    P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines

    I'm a New Wife, here's my advice to you as a woman who's been through this. Yes, he should and since he hasn't it's time to steal that back bone and reclaim your dignity by demanding that same level of respect, intimacy, and fidilty you give your husband as his wife. Time to sit him down and tell him to can all those juvinial excuses and the lies he tells to justify hurting the woman he's suppost to love more then any one else over a childish need for Fantasy Land with Rosie Palm, her Five Sisters, and a bottle of baby lotion while your needs get ignored. You need to let him know that this kind of behaviour in you marriage is unexceptable and will not be tolerate because of the respect and trust issues it creates. Issues he's creating not you. It doesn't matter what he did before you were married. What matters is what he's doing now and how it's affecting your marriage. Something he should care about more then some image on a DVD screen. If he doesn't then you don't have a marriage. You have a worthless piece of paper and a bunch of empty, meaningless words that cost you a small fortune to say. Words and a peice of paper that are going to cost you even more to take back and not just finacially either.

    I'm going to dispell some myths for you so you have a lot more peice of mind and some good ammo to use to combat what's going on in your marriage.
    This not about sex. Porn is in no way shape or form even remotely like sex. Nor does it have the same effect on people mentally or emmotionally that sex does. This is about power and control of another through sexual degradation.
    This has nothing to do with you, what you look like, and what you do or don't do for him sexually. You could thousands of dolars of plastic surgery and do what ever want to please him and it wouldn't help one bit. He would still do this even if he was married to one of those porn stars he's so fond of.
    It's has nothing to do with his sex drive being diffrent then your's. Men and women actually have a pretty even sex drive when both partners are activly involved in the marriage both in and out of the bedroom. In fact I can lay money he has almost no sex drive when it comes to sex between the two of you and spends most of his time in the bathroom. I'll bet he is also terrible because he doesn't give a damn about what you want. It's all about him and what he wants. A fantasy enforced by the porn.
    It has nothing to do with a lack of communication about sex on your part. He's the one who probly doesn't want to talk about it while your going blue in the face and spending money out the rear to spice things up so he will want to have sex with you. Meanwhile he's running up massive credit card bills for pay-per-veiw porn sights.
    It has nothing to do with a man's need to spread his seed. Monogomous men are actually more successfull at fathering children that live to adulthood then men who are not. In fact as we all know non-mongamous men go out of their way not to father children at all. Unless of course it means wearing a condom. Then they just run like rabbits when the stick shows it's baby time. This is not about his need for visual stimulation since he could have that when he has sex with you. This is about his need to control another person sexually to feel good about himself. Something he knows he can't do with you so he uses porn.
    This is not about your jealousy, immaturity, or insecurity when it comes to sex, but his. A sexually healthy person doesn't need porn to fill their needs. They need a loving and respectfull partner and a relationship where there is empathy and an emmotional connection between them for that.
    This is not healthy or normal sexual behaviour for a man. It's a pervision of a man's needs sexually. Especially at the level he is at. I would even go far as to say he's addicted to it. If he's addicted to porn I can lay money he's not just looking at pictures, but cheating on you to get his high. And not just one night stands or having a girlfreind on the side, but using prostitutes and strippers as well.
    As for hurting you since he more then likely doesn't have the ability to empathize with you because of the porn he probly doesn't even care. He's more worried about you ruining his fun then how you feel.
    If I was you and I tell him he has a choice to make. You or the porn. If it's you you'll get counciling and rebuild your marriage. If it's the porn then there's the door. This isn't being controlling. He has a choice and what he choses is all up to him. He's just going to have to deal with the consequences. It's not being selfish on your part. After all look at all you've given up to be with him. There's nothing wrong from expecting him to return the favour. It's not being immature or childish. It's bringing maturity and adult behaviour back to your marriage. Something that should have been part of the marriage from the get go.
    Good luck with this one. I hope you're able to bring things back to center like they should be.

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  • by Anonymous on December 13th, 2007

    Anonymous

    am so tired of hearing about ' it's just what men do"/ Hey listen, of course they like it. Not unlike us woman, liking flirting with men.We LOVE IT ! It is also in our nature to have a thousand men in love with us. And although this is also not a reflection on how much we love our guys, MEN DONT LET US DO IT because it is hurtful and makes them feel like crap. So why is it that men can watch porn with total immunity while woman can't flirt with other guys, date other guys ? Hey, I'll give the same excuse as the men do: At least I am not really doing anything with these men, isn't it better that I am not having sex with other guys ? It's just a load of crap. Men should be expected to give up on their hobbies and inclination for the same reason that woman are expected to not flirt with other guys when they are in a relationship: BECAUSE IT HURTS THE RELATIONSHIP. It doesnt matter that "it could be worse ". It doesn't matter that " it's what all men do or love ". All woman love to get the adoration of many men. We love getting flowers from potential suitors. But we are expected to forego all our female " hobbies' for the relationship. Woman, I say you tell your man, " hey, you have your porn, and I'll have mine". You tell him that you will go into chatrooms and meeting sites on the internet because if he's going to have his candy, you will have yours as well. It's only fair. Now if he likes porn so much that he will let you have cyber flings, I say you leave him with his yelena's and svetlanas. Just my thoughts.

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  • by sunshineinabag on November 27th, 2007

    sunshineinabag

    Yes he should...especially when he KNOWS it hurts you...

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  • by zyrblue on October 27th, 2009

    zyrblue

    This is a touchy subject and every person is going to have their own opinions and experiences. Let me just sate that I do not discount the validity of any of them.

    There is allot that we do not know about the two of you and what you did or did not know about each other before your marriage. One of the hardest things to figure out in a relationship due to it being a "shy" topic is are the two of you in alignment with each other sexually and if not, then how or if you can get there. By sexually I don't just mean sex, but "all" of the topics surrounding it or that touch upon it.

    A loving relationship is based on two things primarily balance and meeting each others needs. Both partners have to acknowledge that each partner has their own reality, their own feelings, and their own needs. They need to talk with each other from this place and be able to communicate with each other about all of these things without evoking feelings of defensiveness, shame or guilt. This requires love, patience, understanding, honesty, mutual respect and work.

    When talking with your husband about this topic please keep in mind the whole person you married and love not just this one aspect of him. Seek to find a balance with and understanding of each others needs rather than trying to force a change. I have observed that if you try to force a partner to change they tend to just go in to hiding and in the end only resentment is achieved not change or balance.

    If the two of you reach what seems to be an impasse then please find a counselor that the two of you agree upon and get outside professional help.

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  • by designer is wearing a ....... on November 27th, 2007

    designer is wearing a .......

    I noticed your screen name is "new wife". Is that name accurate?. If it is, was this a habit before the marriage and did you know? Again, if so then you knew what you were getting. You dont marry someone and then attempt to change them, you wait untill you find someone who is what you want already. That being said, one point that no one has mentioned is that is is harmfull. It deteriorates the intamacy you two are supposed to share and it leads to the objectification of women for him. Its not long before he brings that into your bed. A healthy lust for each is important in a relation and on occasion relieving oneself is fine. But everyday? when he has a wife? Sexual release and intamacy are two different things. Jesus! I sound like f'n Oprah. Hey, when your single, jerk it like monkey in a tree if you want, when your married, save it for your wife.

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  • by killdrphil - reasonable for a madman on November 27th, 2007

    killdrphil - reasonable for a madman

    You might as well just drop this issue with him right now because:

    A. It's just fantasy and has no basis in reality so it really shouldn't hurt you.
    B. Even if he did say he stopped, you wouldn't ever really believe him.

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  • by Daniel Ivey on May 3rd, 2006

    Daniel Ivey

    Yes he should! But realize how deeply rooted this habbit probably is. How far back does this go with him. Probably since middle school. Do not hide your tears from him. Pray for him, keep loving on him, and keep telling him what damage it is doing. There are many lies out there to encourage him to continue and think it is okay. Don't lose him! Go after him. Fight for him. He is in major bondage. He really would love to be free, but probably doesn't want to go through the fight to get free. Cry out for salvation. JESUS!

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  • by LEO on February 22nd, 2009

    LEO

    It is disrespectful if you've voiced your objection clearly. You have boundaries to uphold.It must make you embarassed or lacking.Don't mistake hurt for embarassment.

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  • by Spunts.answered 67 questions in 1 hour. on November 28th, 2007

    Spunts.answered 67 questions in 1 hour.

    he was probably a porn addict before you became his wife.maybe it was the porn in him attracted you to him,now it's a pain in the ass.

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  • by Feller on November 28th, 2007

    Feller

    You need to realize that Pornography is an addiction like alcohol and drugs.There is much denial in and addicted person.The person you trust with your life will LIE right to your face and behind your back do it over and over again.There is MORE denial than alcoholism because there are not tell tales like falling down drunkeness and the odor of alcohol.The pornography is completely different and seperate than the married sex life.Married sex life symbolizes commitment pornography is all about escape.

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  • by anonymous on November 27th, 2007

    anonymous

    My husband watches porn and pleases himself everyday too, even after we have just had sex. This hurts me very much, but I have not said a word to him. He thinks I don't know he has one of those portable dvd players and he does this in the bathroom. Now for christmas we will be going out of town, he will not be able to carry the portable dvd player. So, he has asked me to get him an IPhone for christmas. I do not want to get it for him because I know that he will only use it to access porn sites on it. I don't want to be the one giving him this type of access. How should I handle this?

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  • by Ullyses on September 23rd, 2006

    Ullyses

    You see it as disrespectful, but have you tried to get to the root of how he sees it? Sometimes men and women have very different sex drives, and if his sex drive is more active than yours he maybe uses this as a way to relieve his symptoms without upsetting you (as he sees it because he doesn't want you to feel obligated to sex) or without finding another woman (because he loves you and wants you to be happy). Please remember that there are two sides to every story and, while he should take account of your hurt feelings, you should take account of the underlying cause of why he does this - it may be better than pushing him to do something that will really hurt you.

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  • by Silverwolf loves Funguy50 on February 17th, 2011

    Silverwolf loves Funguy50

    Only if you please him instead.

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  • by feedtherightwolf on September 1st, 2010

    feedtherightwolf

    I completely agree with the most liked answer. You should confront your husband and it is not OK for him to look at porn, especially if it hurts you!

    I also have been there and done that, except I am a man, so I have the view of the other side of the story.

    While it is OK for you to ask him to and expect him to stop, I want to warn you against expecting quick change to happen. Let me explain.

    I used to think that watching porn was OK. I did not think that it was anything like cheating, if anything I viewed it as a tool that men can use to "control their sexual desires". I was very wrong about it, however, and the more I "used this tool" the more I needed to use it.

    This had a very bad effect on my relationship, and after 1 year of that my Girlfriend decided that she had enough and confronted me about it. I fought it for a while, saying that she was crazy, and that every man did it, and that she should be happy that I wasn't cheating on her. (I know I was a complete scam bag, but I honestly thought that I was being a good boyfriend, because I did know many men who were much worse than that).

    The argument with her, however, planted a seed into my head, and while I argued her point, I began to question myself a little. Did really all men watch pornography, and as much of it as I did?

    When I started to observe myself I realize that while most men did watch pornography, I was watching a lot more of it that would be considered normal. The more I observed myself, the more convinced I become, that my pornography use was to say the least excessive.

    That is when I decided to stop. 2 years into relationship. Do you think I stopped right away? Think again.

    Stopping pornography addiction was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And I don't say that lightly I've been through 2 combat deployments and 3 immigrations, nothing even comes close.

    I write a detail story of my recovery on my blog at http://www.feedtherightwolf.org (or you can just google my user name to find it) but in summary it took me about 2 years to get form a point where I decided to stop, to where I was able to go for a long period of time without watching pornography.

    Why am I telling you all of this? I just want to make sure that you have a realistic expectations. I have a feeling your husband will want to change for you. Just understand that it will be a long process. He will fall and fail. As long as he can stay honest with you, continue to support him. Eventually he will make a progress.

    And when he does make a progress you will be amazed. I know I am amazed. My life is not a fairy tale. I still have stresses, issued, and sometimes my future wife and I argue. But I am a different man now. I save my eyes and my heart for the only woman in my life and I am proud of myself.

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  • by Randy D on October 27th, 2009

    Randy D

    Of course he should stop!

    And as soon as you stop doing each and every little thing YOU do that HE finds disrespectful, wrong and/or annoying, things will be much better around there.

    Fair's fair.

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  • by Anonymous on May 28th, 2009

    Anonymous

    You guys have got to be kidding. In what world is porn not about sex??????? You can call it whatever you want, but it is clearly about sex.

    Let me put it this way, if its not about sex then its not pornographic. To fit the legal definition of pornographic it is required to be intended to arouse (Sexualy) the individual watching or participating in the pornographic act.

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  • by Rony on May 28th, 2009

    Rony

    Tell him that your kids (if you have any)would feel dejected and sad if they realised that their dad jerks off everyday watching porn.
    Make him understand that he would loose respect in their eyes

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  • by Cindy on March 14th, 2011

    Cindy

    This has been a age old thing. The way I see it is if we didn't have women posing for porn there wouldn't be any. Also if we didn't have girls charging for sex men wouldn't pay for it. As a woman I like to show off my body & men like to look. It turns us both on. Maybe you ought to try posting yourself nude on the internet & giving the link to your husband, not trying to be rude. Here is a good place to start: Fantasti.cc
    I really hope this helps. Please comment.

    Cindy

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  • by Shanny_D on September 18th, 2010

    Shanny_D

    Yes, he SHOULD stop. If he really does love you, why would he do something that hurts you? Are you grossly fat and ugly and never give him sex? NO. You are a pretty, decent, respectful woman i imagine. Your man has NO REASON like AT ALL on this earth to watch porn. Apart from the fact he is a douchebag. My boyfriend watches porn, hides it, pleasures himself over it. He is due to be EX boyfriend. It makes me think that something must be SOO GROSSLY AWFUL about my body, even when i give him sex every day or every other day that he has to watch skinny blonde bimbos fucking each other with dildos and going down on each other. Fi he loves you he'll stop. If not then well, i guess thats just life x

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  • by Andy_B5424 on March 13th, 2012

    Andy_B5424

    well he is looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction because it dont look like you are doing the job that he fantasizes about try total completion when giving oral,or just ask him what you can do to spice things up

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  • by maryfrancis35 on February 26th, 2011

    maryfrancis35

    I think you need to find out what he's looking at! Try http://FindHisPorn.com

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  • by HotMomma9 on April 22nd, 2012

    HotMomma9

    close your mind open your eyes, Juice up and enjoy

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  • by Archana Spandana kit on October 8th, 2009

    Archana Spandana kit

    Yes the best way to control those person is that you have sex with him as that you watch in porn movie an make him also to react like that then immediately it may stop him of watching porn movies... Try that....

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  • by Barabas on February 22nd, 2009

    Barabas

    How would anyone be able to answer this question properly without knowing the whole story? For example, is there a reason why he is doing this? Is the wife's performance in bed a reason why? Does he have unresolved issues from his childhood that causes him to want to continue using porn? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the wife or the husband is at fault, but really, what's the point of posting a question just so others can give you an answer you want to hear? Oh nevermind, here you go: "Your hubby is a real ass for doing this to you". Hope that helps.

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  • by guitar_player2009 on February 22nd, 2009

    guitar_player2009

    Porn is NOT REAL!!! I could see if he hooked a video camera to the hot woman next door's apartment and was pleasing himself to that...then I could see your point. But porn is as phony as a three dollar bill....no reason to be getting upset over that.

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  • by HotMomma9 on April 22nd, 2012

    HotMomma9

    I am an old wife. Not realy I am 40ish.. I spent many years bitchin about this.. it wasnt till I decide I was robbing myself of SOME AWESOME SEX, and good times with my husband....We have 9 kids and sex is the BEST it has been our hole marriage. we are so free with eachother, and have NO problem trusting eachother... realize who your husband is and HIS needs, expand your mind, YOU WILL BENIFIT.. I love my sex, and you can too.

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