Life trumps Death. Also, how do you think the person you lost would answer that question?

Traditionally in Japan, events of misfortune cancel attending celebrations. No parties are attended for one year after the death of a close relative. The wedding anniversary of a friend could only be attended after a few years (I think 3). Christmas and New Years cards are asked not to be sent if the relative died that year and notices are sent to friends and relatives that they are in morning or grieving. Here's where I've run out of points for you! I've snuck in a couple points here and there as a secret admirer.

Hey Jod- I remember leaving an extended family outing to drive 2 hours to attend the one year anniversary of the death of a close buddy. Anniversary party? Well, I'd be chanting about that one. Tough decision. For me it would depend, in part, on the significance of the year of each (i.e. first, 5th, 10th, etc.) and I would take that into consideration.

I've had to face this, and I decided to go to the happy event (a wedding). Any tears I shed there were interpreted as tears of joy for the happy occasion (since I'm known to cry even at sappy TV commercials). I discovered that since the wedding wasn't about me, no one particularly noticed if I was a little distracted - everyone was focused on the happy event, as they should have been. So I managed not to taint it and I didn't regret going at all. In fact it turned out to be a way to recognize very intimately that life goes on, that every death anniversary date is also a birth date and a wedding date and an ordinary day.

Well Jodie I say that the happiness of the anniversary of the happy joyous event enough should supercede and cancel out the mourning of the other event. In many cultures a year is the fulmination of final sorrow for someone's passing and would be mourned as such. In this event it it is best to celebrate those who are alive and to happily pay due respects to those who have gone on and know that this person is in a better place: that this person would only have your better interests so celebrate the anniversary in the joy that the deceased is also celebrating with you in spirit.

I understand the sorrow one would feel but I would not wish to cause my friends any sadness by not making the effort to attend their special celebration :)

This is the appropriate time to have a split personality. its like laughing and crying, all at the same time. Some people can master this, some cannot. I would designate a certain amount of time for the remembrance of a lost loved one, then turn the page and proceed forward with the happy occasion. Its good to remember events of the past, but always look forward to the future. It eases a persons mind.

I think if you didn't go your absence would be far more hurtful to your friend than if you were there and maybe a bit quieter than you usually are. You certainly wouldn't taint anything..friends are there in good times and not-so-good times...that's what they do. So I vote for going and having as good a time as you can manage and perhaps silently toasting the friend for whom you mourn.

OH JODIE! You know I have had quite a bit of experience in this department, but it's taken me a long time to deal with any of it. My cousin committed suicide on my birthday, he was buried on my wedding day. THAT was the biggest one for me to conquer. Deciding whether or not to continue with the ceremony, and then years of blaming myself for the day I was born. I came to terms with the wedding, although, the tears I shed on my day of joy was anything but. For ten years I spent my birthday at the cemetary. Matt, my cousin, was very close to me-one year younger, but special indeed. I would write letters to leave on his tombstone, clean the site and talk to him for hours. It got to be such a tradition my oldest daughter asked, "Mommy, can't Mattie wait this year and we do something fun for your birthday?". I had let so much get to me I forgot about the living. Why should I make my family suffer for this blame I came up with? Being it was your mother, it will be totally different. This answer is not to tell you what to do, but let you know there are many of us in this situation. I love my cousin, but my family needed me for the here and now. This included friends. I always think of Matt every year, but no longer spend my birthday at the cemetary. I even put an extra candle on my cake every year just for his wish and make sure I'm there to blow it out for him. I know he would laugh and call me silly, but that's what makes it worth it-the remembering. Good luck in whatever your decision. Make your mom proud, but remember-your friends are still here. Much love and respect to you....

I think a close friend would be aware of this... but I would take the opportunity to join in celebrating someones progressive life than to be alone in sorrow.

Party, did you say Party? I would go to the party and party out. I dont remember death anniversarys. People die all the time. So what? My mom died. I dont remember the day or the year. Same for my dad. My mom died in an ambulance going to the hospital. My dad died on the operating table to fix an anuerisym he failed to get fixed the year before. They lived full lives. Death is a joy. It might not be a joy for the person dieing. It is something to party about. Transcending to the next level is Party Time. Sorrow? People create their own sorrow. Another reason to cry and carry on and lose control. Sure, I cried for my Mom and Dad. It didnt last long. a day. Then I moved forward. Who could taint a wedding? The party might go into a stall, but it just picks up again. LL