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by Anonymous on January 20th, 2006

Anonymous

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Help answer this question below.

It bothers me when men check out other girls when you are in a relationship with them. Am I insecure? Is it okay for them to do this?

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Answers. 59 helpful answers below.

  • by AnneRiceReader on March 22nd, 2006

    AnneRiceReader

    Listen to me carefully. This is 100% honest. I'm thirty years old. I have never, ever cheated on a girlfriend. I only date one girl at a time, because I believe in being considerate. But I must admit that I look. I do. When people tell you that it's biological and all that stuff, try to believe them. Because no matter how hard I've tried to change, I can't. The only way I can't look is if I focus all attention on not looking. But it means nothing to me. It's a reaction, plain and simple. As involuntary as turning your head when you hear your name.
    Just remember that there is a huge difference between just looking and looking because you are shopping around.
    I've given up on trying to stop, because I've figured it out. At least for me. Beauty. Plain and simple. We all look at something beautiful. It's why all movies and TV shows are stocked full of beautiful people. And that's all it is, nothing more. When I'm in love with someone, I turn and look at a girl, think that she's beautiful, and think about the fact that she'll never be the woman my girlfriend is. She'll be more annoying, or high-maintenance, or spend too much money, or....... But it's like looking at a painting. Just beautiful. I have the painting I already want on my wall. But I can still admire the beauty in the gallery, I am just not shopping for a new one to hang on my wall. But I still appreciate them. That's all it is. Nothing more.
    For me at least. If you've got a guy who not only looks, but tries to make eye contact, then you've got another issue on your hands.

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  • by Grandma Roses - my avatar is my real dog on January 25th, 2006

    Grandma Roses - my avatar is my real dog

    No, you are not insecure.You have boundaries that you want respected in a relationship. If you spell out these boundaries to your significant other, and he will not respect them, it tells you how little respect he has for you. You deserve better.

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  • by Anonymous03 on June 15th, 2008

    Anonymous03

    i don't accept it when people say, "it's nature, it's a man thing." it's really about discipline and how much the guy loves his significant other. i have dozens of guy friends and they're so respectful to their girlfriends and wives. some of them can't even stand looking at a nude scene in a movie because they feel like its immoral and disrespectful to their girlfriends.. my friends feel its unnecessary to look at other girls because they already have a girl.. and as one of my friends said, "if i wanted to act like i'm single, then i'd be single."

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  • by Anonymous on October 24th, 2006

    Anonymous

    Everyone checks out other people when they're in a relationship- its called human nature. Its just some of us are more discreet about it than others.
    You are insecure- of COURSE your insecure, who doesn't feel a bit put out if they catch their partner eyeing up another girl (or guy for that matter)? It's as normal to feel that way as it is for him to do it.

    My rule in relationships has always been that I accept and expect that a guy will find other women attractive and. I don't mind that. But that doesn't mean I necessarily want to hear about it.
    So whilst I think you can forgive a guy when you catch him taking a sneaky look at that leggy blonde, if he's talking to you about how the cashier at the local shop is "really pretty" or Madonna has "really great tits" then you've got to draw the line and tell him he's going too far.
    Also, maybe it would help to remember that whilst he likes the blondes legs and Madonna's boobs, its YOU that he's chosen to be with- which means you have a good few qualities he finds appealling enough to actually spend a good portion of his time with you (as opposed to 30 seconds of staring)- this makes you far superior to either. Relish that- and don't be scared to ask him to remind you from time to time what it is he finds beatiful about you- if he's any kind of man at all he'll only be pleased to tell you at length exactly why you're the most gorgeous woman in the universe.

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  • by buttman on June 27th, 2008

    buttman

    People--man or woman--shouldn't do that which they
    wouldn't like to be done onto them. No, is not OK. I'm
    not a [moralist] nor I am applying for Sainthood, but
    I found that to be very disrespectful; particularly
    when is done right in your face so blatantly. You're
    not insecure, you've just been annoyed by someone alse's Bulls#%&.

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  • by ryans princess on June 15th, 2008

    ryans princess

    To some women it's ok, to others it isn't. I'm very jealous and don't like my fiancee to check out girls, to look at porn, to even think about women. However, you are not insecure. Can I ask you this question? Have you ever thought about why it bothers you so much for your guy to look at other girls? Were you abandoned by your father at any point in your life? If so, some woman get upset about their men looking because they are afraid that their guy will do the same thing to them as their dad did to their mom, LEAVE! Ever been cheated on? That may cause you to think all men are the same and cheating starts when a guy sees a good looking girl. There is nothing wrong with you, it's just how some girls are wired. It's all about fear if you really get down to it. My personal fear is that he will cheat, or find another woman more attractive than me. He says he doesn't look. I suppose that can be true. I don't look at other men. There is the exception to the rule. Just try to figure out why this bothers you so much. Good luck.

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  • by Galeanda on April 14th, 2008

    Galeanda

    I think there is a difference between 'checking out' someone and noticing an attractive person. If someone is checking them out, I feel like they are not paying attention to our relationship and they are still shopping around. It makes me feel like taking a step back from the relationship to see where it's going, if it's not leading to permanency. If it's just noticing I guess that's alright, but if it's perceived by the attraction, then it might look like a flirting glance and returned and that would hurt me, too.

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  • by ----------- on December 31st, 2006

    -----------

    Honestly, if you ask most women (and they aren't talking through their ass), they 'll admit to wanting to have sex with attractive males as well. Just human nature to want to have sex with someone beautiful. It isn't just a male thing.

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  • by Miss. Tandra on October 24th, 2006

    Miss. Tandra

    no ur not insecure at all, actually ur in the majority. Hardly any girl likes there man lookin at other girls. it makes u not feel so good about urself. i remember one time i told my boyfriend well x boyfriend now, lol i told him off for staring at other girls butts and flirting with them and stuff. and not to mention it makes us really jealous cause were like oh so now u think she looks better than me.

    and i dont know about u but it makes me feel like oh so the next hot girl that walks bi ur jsut gonna dump me for.

    so u dont feel insecure, just no that he shouldnt do that if he really cares for ur feelings u should talk to him about it and he should stop

    but also remember its a guys naturall personality to look at other girls but they can prevent it.

    ^^^hope this helps^^^

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  • by Capital J on January 18th, 2009

    Capital J

    Yes your insecure because ALL MEN check out other girls. If they tell you they aren't they are either lying or gay. It's one thing to look. It's another to touch. So relax. Everything will be ok

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  • by UneFille on April 11th, 2008

    UneFille

    The thing is...there is nothing you can do about it. Except you could find a guy you don't find to be attractive...like someone with a beer guy or bald or whatever you dislike ( I mean, I'm sure some girls like beer bellies for sure.) and then it won't matter to you if they look because most of the girls probably won't want them.

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  • by DA BEN DAN yanggui zi on September 14th, 2007

    DA BEN DAN yanggui zi

    Do you not glance at attractive men?

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  • by thekingcobra63 on September 14th, 2007

    thekingcobra63

    Just a glance at an attractive woman is nothing to get ruffled about. If he is obviously staring and drooling or making comments about the other hot woman, then I could see you being upset. My wife has turned this into a little game. When a woman with big breasts walks by she'll ask me, " did you see her breast?" If I say yes, she'll ask me, what color were her shoes? or something more obvious that she had on and if I say the wrong thing, she will just laugh or make a little comment in jest. It isn't usually a serious thing unless your man is getting obnoxious with it. Men are men, they will look at hot women.

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  • by kitty loves you on December 31st, 2006

    kitty loves you

    Personally I think it,s ok to window shop as long as they don,t test-drive.

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  • by The_Professional on December 29th, 2006

    The_Professional

    I am always focused on the girl I am with. But if on my own I will fill my time by browsing. Sometimes its just people watching. I'll try to figure out what I can about a person just by looks and wear and a few actions - how they hold themselves. Problem is - most men are, really are very boing and similiar.

    The question is - is he bing rude to you while doing it. If it bothers you then probably yes.

    What do you think he is looking at? I have been with girls who like watching for other pretty girls also. That can make for fun conversation. Its intersting when women will see beauty in other women differently then men do.

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  • by Shan is Purrrrrfectly Happy on June 27th, 2008

    Shan is Purrrrrfectly Happy

    No and No. A look longer than a short glance is too long. It is rude and disrespectful. Let him know you are not comfortable with his behavior.

    Not all men are like this. But we have a society full of disrespectful men lacking spirituality and morals. Why do men continue to willfully and openly hurt their partners? Because women haven't had the voice to stand up to them and say it is UNACCEPTABLE.

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  • by R U Sirius on May 12th, 2008

    R U Sirius

    As a guy........... I find it extremely rude to check other girls out in the presence of another......Unless my girl wants to check em out and then discuss...

    I do have a hidden talent though.........I check the girls out without moving my head or being obvious about it.

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  • by Tex on May 12th, 2008

    Tex

    As far as I know, it's nature. I do this, (try not to around my wife out of respect,) but that doesn't make me a bad husband. We just love women. As long as I'm not thinking about cheating, or actually doing so, then I believe this should be a non issue. Women do the same thing with men too, just more discretely, so... it happens. It's in our nature to reproduce, and marriage and monogamy were not thought of throughout the majority of our evolution, so, it's only natural for us to check someone out, BUT, be happy they're not cheating, or thinking about it. It's okay to think someone else looks good..... as long as they know that you are their only slice of cake.

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  • by InsecureinCanada on May 12th, 2008

    InsecureinCanada

    How about when your man is driving and spots a pretty woman then as we drive past her he has to make it a point to turn his head and glance at her again with you right there. Not once or twice but several times in one single outing. How about when you sit at a restaurant and you are talking to him but he is too busy glancing at some chic he spotted that is pretty and if you tell him he blows up saying I am accusing him of doing something he did not do. Yet you know he did because he does it often. Also he says he is a people watcher but why it is that its always the pretty ladys he turns his head for 90% of the time and about 10% for other people...go figure

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  • by teddybear on April 14th, 2008

    teddybear

    to me its ok..they are only human.im married and i look and go home and tell him and he does the same..you are the one they come home to so dont worry ..worry when they dont come home

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  • by latangoman on April 11th, 2008

    latangoman

    well my gf just told me that she saw me glance at a her, it seriulsy ended are 1 year relationship... It really kills me cuz I know I didn't, i look at all people women, men, animals... buildings everything that's just something I do. I can't appoligize for something I know I didn't do, I don't undress girls with my eyes, that's just not me. I think guys who stop and turn around and start starring at a girl that just passed by time pretty sad and pathetic. But there's nothing to do now, I don't know how things will go with her. I think I've been pretty amazing to her and she's as too, but lately things like this keep poping up every few months. We don't ever call eachother names or have huge fights, I think it's amazing relationship that we have, but now all this stuff is killing it, it really bothers me.

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  • by anonymous on September 14th, 2007

    anonymous

    Its just looking and usually no harm is meant.

    If it bothers you though, you have the right to say it makes you uncomfortable.

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  • by Sunblynd 5.0 on December 31st, 2006

    Sunblynd 5.0

    Human males are very visual creatures, and can't help but to admire the beauty of women, it is quite harmless to look, as long as he's not gawking or making advances, or lewd comments around you.

    Let him look and fantasize, this is what guys do, even when your man is making love to you, you can bet a dollar to a donut that he is fantisizing about another women while making love to you, this is perfectly normal and harmless, and no it does not mean he does not love you at all.

    This is just the way men in general fantasize about things, when your man is full of fantastic referance images of other women, sex is going to be a little more exciting because he is acting out his sexual fantasy on you... and is that not what you want to be in the first place?

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  • by Damiana on December 31st, 2006

    Damiana

    I think it's okay and healthy for people to "look" even if they are in a relationship. I think most people will admire beauty. The clencher is how do you go about admiring that beauty when you're actually in the presence of the person that you're in this relationship with. For example, I don't mind if my b/f looks at someone else, just don't gawk and make it obvious and get distracted when we're spending time together. I've told him that "We can look at the menu, but we can't order off the menu." To me, it's human nature to look and it doesn't me that I want to leave him or he wants to leave to be with that other person. Talking about these issues when in a relationship is very important. Open lines of communication can help build a happy relationship and keep it that way.

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  • by Michellek518 on December 29th, 2006

    Michellek518

    What I would add on (because so many of these answers are great..) is to realize that half the time guys don't even realize they're doing it. :)
    But flip the scenario...girls look at good-looking guys too, talk about them with girlsfriends, etc. But do we ever think that we want to ditch our boyfriend and go for the random hot guy that we probably may never see again? No...not often. :)
    But I think if anything really truely bothers you, talk to them about it, and realize that guys and girls are two competely different types of people. :)

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  • by mtndewman44 on January 18th, 2009

    mtndewman44

    Like Capy J said,yes your insecurities are showing.

    All guys WILL check other women out,I always have,and until I am dead,I always will.

    Don't tell me you don't look at other males!!!

    It's not like we are going to ask them out,or ask for their phone number,,,chances are we'll never see them again,,a look is all we get to take with us.If they are good looking to us,why spurn them,look at them and compare yourself to them,see what we are looking at,maybe you can do something to acquire what they have(clothes,hair,make-up,etc..)

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  • by Larry on January 18th, 2009

    Larry

    They key is to only look when she's not paying attention. Ignorance is bliss.

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  • by JaySurf on June 15th, 2008

    JaySurf

    it bothers me as well, but i accept the fact that he's allowed to look, as long as he doesn't try to go over and talk to her or anything beyond a glance...now if he's constantly staring and stops paying attention to me, then we've got a problem...it's natural for them to look at other girls, as it is for girls to look at other guys...as long as the line isn't crossed...

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  • by CaptainHarley adores his life penguin on May 12th, 2008

    CaptainHarley adores his life penguin

    Darlin' ... I'm 65 years old. I'm married to a woman I love very deeply. I still "check out" other women. My wife knows that I don't stray and that I'm simply admiring. Other women may find me attractive, but at the end of the day, it's my wife I hold and make love to. : ))

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  • by latangoman on April 11th, 2008

    latangoman

    well my gf just told me that she saw me glance at a her, it seriulsy ended are 1 year relationship... It really kills me cuz I know I didn't, i look at all people women, men, animals... buildings everything that's just something I do. I can't appoligize for something I know I didn't do, I don't undress girls with my eyes, that's just not me. I think guys who stop and turn around and start starring at a girl that just passed by time pretty sad and pathetic. But there's nothing to do now, I don't know how things will go with her. I think I've been pretty amazing to her and she's as too, but lately things like this keep poping up every few months. We don't ever call eachother names or have huge fights, I think it's amazing relationship that we have, but now all this stuff is killing it, it really bothers me.

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  • by Bollocks on December 31st, 2006

    Bollocks

    Most men will look at other women because most women, at some point, will dress to be noticed.

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  • by junetwin2 on October 24th, 2006

    junetwin2

    No , not everyone looks , my husband and I only look at each other.

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  • by baldev on January 21st, 2006

    baldev

    I feel the same way. I don't think you're insecure. I think you're protective, and you don't like/want competition. In my experience, with my fiancee, I want her all to myself. Not so much that she doesn't have "herself" anymore, not to be controlling, but I know that I can treat her better than anyone else in the world. If you have those feeling for someone, and you're feeling uncomfortable about other men checking out your mate, I'd say there is nothing wrong with you, but it is an unfortunate quality to have.

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  • by Im Alec has abandoned this account on April 14th, 2008

    Im Alec has abandoned this account

    Whether it is OK or not is a subjective matter. That they will do it is a hard fact. I don't know what exactly you mean by "check out", but men will always notice attractive women, whether they are in a relationship or not. And yes, you are insecure - but so are probably 50% of women. But men have the matching effect - they feel insecure when other men, especially rich and handsome men, check out their women.

    This is one of the nasty side effects of biology. It is no pleasanter, and no more avoidable, than (say) menstruation. Life is like that - try to work around it, not fight against it.

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  • by Ms sexpot Love Games on April 14th, 2008

    Ms sexpot Love Games

    Sorry you might not like my answer, but thats why god gave us eyes to look with and to see so use your eyes the way he use his eyes.

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  • by MissFerly on May 12th, 2008

    MissFerly

    I think its thier nature to check out girls no matter what. The thing is, they shouldn't do it in front of you and if they do, it shouldn't be obvious.

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  • by Squirrel Face on May 12th, 2008

    Squirrel Face

    Meh, men look, it's what we do. Sometimes I catch myself doing it without even thinking about it. Just know that it's not something that he's doing to aggrivate you. It's just something that happens sometimes.

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  • by FRUSTRATED2 on July 30th, 2006

    FRUSTRATED2

    A MAN IS ALWAYS GONNA CHECK OUT WOMEN, THAT'S THERE NATURE. NOW WHEN IT BECOMES A PROBLEM IS WHEN HE CROSSES THE LINE OR BRINGS IT HOME AS I LIKE TO SAY. I THINK YOU MAY FEEL INSECURE BECAUSE HE HAS DONE SOMETHING TO CROSS YOUR ACCEPTANCE BOUNDARIES. U NOW HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF IF HE BEING DISRESPECTFUL AND CAN I DEAL WITH THIS OR NOT. IF U CAN DEAL PICK YOUR BATTLES, IF U CAN'T DEAL LET HIM KNOW HOW IT MAKES U FEEL.

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  • by PunnkyPete on May 12th, 2008

    PunnkyPete

    Ladies... It will never change. It is 'man'. Not your fault either. If it does bother you enough, just ask that he not do it in front of you. If he is a reasonable man, he will adjust.

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  • by fairygi on October 14th, 2010

    fairygi

    Well, humans are just so imperfect, but I am learning that perfection is not
    what makes us lovable but all the idiosyncrasies, quirks, personality which is
    nature flawed. I am insecure too. I have almost left my boyfriend a couple times
    because of the pain of what I percieve in this imbalnce between the sexes. I
    Do think girls notice but I personally don't care that much about other guys
    appearance after I'm really in love. My heart takes the lead and there is just
    nothing left for others to have. Anyway, always tell yourself that you have a right
    To your feelings but don't allow negativity to destroy your sense of self. I'm
    In therapy mostly right now because of the very pain caused by this. My boy
    friend is not obnoxious about it, but I'm really sensitive I guess. I love my
    boyfriend with all my heart and want to marry him, but our arguments made
    Him wonder if I could ever be happy with a man. Just communicate your feelings
    I don't really understand what its like to be a man so I'm just trying to take
    responsibility for me. Biological or not, this tendancy deeply hurts my feelings
    and feels very uncomfortable. I totally understand your pain. The best I can tell
    you is to be strong and be really good to yourself. My therapist told me I would
    Figure out if he is no good for me, and then I can let him go. Just give yourself
    the best, but that does not mean perfection. You will know if a man truly loves you
    and when you feel that in your core listen to that voice. I wish you well and just
    give love to yourself when you feel unloved. It does help. Deep breaths and a
    Smile. Also something I'm telling myself. I'm a soul and not a body. If u are not
    spiritual then know who you are is what makes you lovable :)

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  • by cloven on January 19th, 2010

    cloven

    I think it's WRONG. I know my man is insecure because he has a little bit of a stomach and my stomach is flat, my tits perky and I have an ass with a great hour glass shape and pretty face. I'm not perfect but I could get WAY better than him and he knows that. When we first met he was addicted to porn, talking to other women online behind my back and on dating sites while we were together. He was secretive and a pathological liar and he checked out any women with an ass because he has an ass fetish. SO I cheated on him and lied to him and talked to other men online and did everything he was and more. I broke his heart and broke him down. He wouldnt stop and realize his action until he realized I could do better, I didnt need/want him and he knew how it felt to have those things done to him. After that, he begged me to go to relationship counseling with him to make it work and has made ALOT of changes because he would rather be with me than watch porn and check out other women and talk to other women.

    He doesnt want to be hurt again so he isnt going to hurt me again because he knows I WILL get him back ten times worse. Out of the 9 months since thats happened and he's changed i've caught him checkin out women 3 times. Im with him almost everywhere he goes and that's a HUGE improvement. He wouldnt admit he did it those three times but he knows now how much it hurts me and how disrespectful it is. Besides...he does it or he loses me. Like another commenter said...if you act single, then you'll be single. Simple as that. He's told me he never thought he could get someone like me and he'd rather do what I ask to comfort me because he knows if he doesnt do it then someone else will and he doesnt want that. My advice is to find someone who will do anything for you and comforting you is more important to them than another women's tits or ass!

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  • by aws41109 on January 1st, 2010

    aws41109

    Men will always check out other girls. Even if they are the most faithful person. Some feel guilty when they do it but, some don't care and will say stuff like that in front of their girlfriend. It's ok to feel insecure but believe me, you won't stop it completely.

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  • by rachael5774 on May 25th, 2010

    rachael5774

    Here is the truth. If you are with a man and he does not make you feel
    that you are number one and the only beautiful woman in his life, then you wouldn't feel sick or upset when he looked at another woman. I am 30 years old and have only been in love once. I was with him for 8 years and not once did he make me fee insecure, he always made me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet. I have been on dates where we go to dinner a girl walks by and their head follows, or there watching the waitress bend over and grinning. 89 percent of men are cheaters if you ever have that uncomfortable feeling at dinner or he doesn't make you feel good at any time, listen to you instincts. Get up, walk away and never look back at him. Life is too short and it will save you headaches and low self esteem in the long run. You will find a man that adores you and never makes you feel that way, it's a whole new world and I cant wait until you experience it because hes out there waiting.

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  • by Jo on May 12th, 2008

    Jo

    Well, I think that it is natural for a man to do this, but I also think that he should make an effort not to if he is in a serious relationship out of respect to his partner. If he only looks and stays faithful to you, then I wouldn't worry about it too much. Try not to let it bother you.

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  • by valerie1 on December 17th, 2010

    valerie1

    As I respond to this, I have questions of my own. It does bother me as well, when the man I am with checks out another woman in my presence. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem commenting myself if I see a pretty lady or a hansome man, but my boyfriend does it all the time!!! He does it if there is a commercial or tv show on, or when we are at the grocery or department stores, basically anywhere we go, and not just once in a blue moon. I'm talking every day!!!! I've always treated people the way I expect to be treated....with respect. If I see a good looking man, I don't just blurt out, "Man, he's smokin' hot!!" He does...all the time. I'm sick of it. Please tell me why men do this. I am not an unattractive woman. When I tell him that I don't want to hear it, he pouts and tells me fine, I won't be honest with you anymore about it. What the hell does that have to do with honesty!?!?! I could give a rats butt, if he thinks someone is hot or not. I don't make it lifes mission everytime I am out, to check out other men or women. I truly am at the point, that I would rather go nowhere with this man, than to have to worry about what is wrong with me once in awhile. I told him it had nothing to do with honesty, that it was a respect issue with me. I don't hear it from him, why would I want to hear it about other women from him. Maybe he is just insecure about himself...I really don't know. He said that he is not insecure at all and that every man is just like him, they just don't say it. Is this true? I've been with other men, and their focus has always been on me. Oh I'm sure they check out women, heck we're all human, but to constantly make comments is a complete turn off guys...Think about it...you guys say, Oh, we're just guys, it's a guy thing!!! What an excuse!!! Well guys, we're women, and we check out men too, don't get me wrong...we're just as human as you are, but we at least show alittle more respect and self control.

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  • by natalie.kalandadze on April 27th, 2012

    natalie.kalandadze

    I can totally understand why you should feel uncomfortable. Besides, even if I was CRAZY about him, it does make it so difficult (if at all) to love him after that. Does it make sense? :)

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  • by axfist069 on May 12th, 2008

    axfist069

    After reading the other answers , I agree that it's in mans nature to look , even if you tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, he's still gonna look ,(though he should be a bit more subtle about it) he has very little choice in the matter. This in no way reflects on his feelings towards you in any way.

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  • by Marlin on January 26th, 2009

    Marlin

    Of course!!! they've got eyes just like us! don't you look at men in the street! I mean, if we can't at least have a look at beautiful things/humans, what's left to us on this planet? It seems that everything has to be ruled, even in relationships, when it's obviously in this matter that we should feel the most comfortable and free...

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  • by dueqtz on January 26th, 2009

    dueqtz

    Can we put the shoe on the foot or will that fish not swim?

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  • by mdluvr1 on February 23rd, 2009

    mdluvr1

    I think you are a little insecure, but I feel the exact same way with my boyfriend. He and I have gotten into really bad, deep arguments about this subject, ultimately leading into the whole "is porn okay" thing. I think it is sort of wrong to check somebody out when you are in a SERIOUS relationship. I haven't needed to force myself to stop checking other guys out; I automatically stopped doing it. There is no need to check out people out when you are with the one you want. Most people would think I'm way too conservative, but that's their problem to deal with. I don't care if my ideas are old fashioned, I think that guys need to stop this whole "biological" bull and step up; if it really is hard to stop, then MAKE yourself stop. If you really can't, then you aren't with the right girl.

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