Slap him? I'm surprised you're still with him. I think I'd get ONE opportunity to disrespect my wife. One. I'd either find an empty house or my suitcases on the front porch.

Nope. The ass could charge you with battery. Explain, in no uncertain terms, that you will not tolerate the verbal abuse any longer and that if it happens again, you and your daughter will leave. And do just that. (Even if it's one night at your parents' house, a hotel, whatever...leave.) If he's just lashing out, this will wake him up. If he's a complete jerk, you'll find that out too and should leave permanently. You can't change people that don't want to change, but you sure don't need to put up with their crap either.

No. No. NO!!! Physical contact should be avoided at all costs. I don't know solution to your problem, but you should avoid raising your hand at all costs. He is most likely to hit you back. Bad will get worse, and worse will get downright ugly.

Slapping him in front of your daughter would be just as bad as the names he's calling you in front of her. Let him know that he's teaching his daughter that disrespecting you is OKAY, and he's setting her up to seek men in HER life that treat her the same way he's treating you.

I agree with Saboteur. This is not only a terrible way to treat you, but think about your daughter witnessing this and "learning" that this is the way women should be treated. This is verbal and emotional abuse which will escalate to physical abuse eventually. Verbal abuse is bad enough. By putting up with it you are teaching your daughter that this is acceptable. Most girls who witness this stuff, follow the pattern and end up in abusive relationships themselves. I think it's time to at least temporarily leave him, tell him why and inform him that he needs to correct his behavior before you'll come back.

No. You simply need to draw a boundary about verbal abuse and stick to it. It isn't something you will tolerate. Boundaries aren't about what he will or won't do, but about what YOU will and won't do. "I will not subject myself to verbal abuse." Start off with, "Please do not speak to me like that." If he continues, withdraw from his presence. You do not have to be in his presence...it isn't an obligation. If this doesn't work after doing it for a while, you may need to consider separation. He is severely disrespecting you as a person. You cannot change him. He has to change himself. If he refuses to respect you and stop verbally abusing you, that should tell you all you need to know. You can either choose to accept it and live with it (which I don't recommend), or move on with your life.

Unless you are being assaulted physically, you should not use violence. You should walk away from this. He needs anger management, therapy, medication to help him get himself together. If he cannot get himself together, you should consider getting out of the relationship.

No. Fighting fire w/ fire doesn't work. You can't change other people but you CAN change YOUR response. I wouldn't give him any "next time" speeches. Just take an action like others here have suggested ... You may want to discuss this behavior with him when you are both in a better frame of mind. Whether he's in pain or not, calling you derogatory name in front of the kids (or not), is unacceptable.

Perhaps, you might take your daughter on a little vacation for a few days and tell your husband to think about what he said. I wager that when you come back, you'll never hear those words again.

If someone I loved called me that in front of my daughter, I'd do more than slap him

I am sorry you are with a guy like that. I wouldn't slap him, it will just cause more problems, I think you should leave untill he gets hiself some help. If he doesn't get help for his mental abuse, I wouldn't go back.

NO WAY - do not do it - do not think of doing it. Diffuse the situation or leave but don't fight back - it NEVER works. You will suffer for it and so will your child.

His verbal abuse does NOT justify you stepping into physical abuse. NO!!! When he is not in pain, talk to him. Tell him he needs to get help, and you won't stay with him if he behaves like that. Then, if he does not try to change, leave. Take your daughter, and leave. If he then tries to change, give him another shot... Under NO circumstances should you escalate the matter and make it physical. Hitting is not something you want to teach your daughter any more than name calling is. Just don't go there.

From your comment on SABOTEUR's answer, I would say that you deserve each other and your kids have my sympathy. You already give as good as you get; I cannot figure out why you are asking for help here on AB. If you are so concerned about the effect your husband's behaviour has on your daughter, why have you been participating in the escalation of the verbal conflicts? Stop using your horoscope signs as an excuse and get the whole family into therapy. -- In response to snakelover's comment from 27Sept2007 10:28AM I assume that this is the same husband who plays favourites between your and his children, always accuses you of lying to him and cheating on him, who discusses your sex life with strangers and who doesn't provide you with enough foreplay before sex? I was not trying to make you feel worse; I was trying to get you to see your situation from another angle than the apparent 'see how mean my husband is to me' one of your question. But having read many of your other questions, I see you two as a dysfunctional couple - you both have problems with anger management and your children are being exposed to it, if not directly, then through the probable yelling (even if it takes place in another room) and especially through the tension that pervades your home. You might have marginally more self-control since your drug rehab, but if you still have so little control of your feelings (as you have indicated in other comments) you still have a long way to go. Plus you refer to this 3 year old daughter, whom you want to protect, as 'Satan reborn.' Give me a break! I repeat my earlier advice - get the whole family into therapy, including the son who lives with his father, lies to the courts and whose girlfriend's mom is in his corner. And the 25 year old step-daughter who won't leave home and expects not to even have to clean up after herself. You belong on Jerry Springer, not Answerbag and until you realise just how very much you all need help, you will continue to blame your troubles on idiotic things like your astrological sign. And I find your hiding behind the fact that you are both Italian to be racist - you cannot blame ethnic origin for character flaws, you can only blame yourself.

what he is doing is verbal abuse and if you slap him that would be physical abuse - BOTH are against the law and you both could be hauled off for child abuse for letting this go on in front of a child - dont have kids if you cant take care of them

Yes, but not in front of your daugher. You have given him plenty of warning, and he should know better than to call his wife something that horrible, especially in front of his daughter. If you think that he would be someone to slap you right back, than don't slap him. But otherwise, he deserves a good slap in the face.

You need to get him help.

Shame on him! Does he like the taste of Dial soap? I would stick it in his mouth while he is sleeping. You tell that grouchy old man of yours that he needs to find a less vulgar word to use in front of a small child. If she hears this kind of stuff, it will become part of her vocabulary and she will be booted out of kindergarten. Is a 24 hour a day morphine drip an option?

I would consider Family counselling, there could be small issues that need to be adressed that might keep you guys from getting to this point. I would not even threaten to hit .You need to find ways to De escalate the tension not escalate for your own safety and your childs. I know you are hurt and frustrated and it is easy to get lost in the moment. I would try to get into therapy with someone you trust. not for you or your husband as much as for the baby.

Please sweetie Do Not resort to any kind of violence. You could end up in jail if he gets the mind to press charges. Let him know that you Do Not appreciate his condescending remark, they hurt your feelings & it teaches the wrong message to your child. If you can not get this across and it continues you may consider talking to a family therapist. If that is not an option,{he may be unwilling} maybe you should talk to someone alone and find insight as to why you allow yourself to be talked to in this manner.And I am not judging honestly, you seem like a very sweet person{hey you are my friend}and I would like to see you treated as such!