The silent treatment is an expression of anger by a person who has does not have good skills at communicating their objections. Imitating them doesn't help. Instead say this: I assume from your silence that you are having some painful feelings. I hope you will be able to tell me about it soon so we can resolve whatever is bothering you. Then go about your business and leave it up to the person to respond. If you need to ask them something and he or she refuses to answer, tell the person that you will use your own judgment and don't wait around until he or she decides to talk.

It's part of the control dynamic. They hope to keep you off balance and guessing; this keeps you focussed on them instead of on your own life and outside issues. Giving them the same treatment keeps the dysfunction going, and them in control, so don't do it.

From the perspective of a passive aggressive person like myself, the 'silent treatment' represents two things: (1) the inability to come to grips with an uncomfortable emotional response, most often anger, and (2) an attempt to create a moritorium that may make the issue irrelevant. It's important to keep in mind that a passive aggressive person is not fully cognizant of the impact of his or her actions when they are being passive aggressive in this manner. This is not a defense of the action; when I realize I've done this to someone I feel guilt and shame because I am aware of how unfair and damaging it is to whom is more often than not a loved one - it's not what I wanted. The original anger dissipates and I can engage again. During the 'silent treatment' the recipient almost becomes an obsession. And what to do if you are the recipient? It may appear to be a power play, a game of control. The way to break it is to do what the person is trying not to do - confront them and the emotion. Let them know they can feel it without ruining anything; that honest open aggression is acceptable in this situation because that is what he or she does not believe. But don't give into it - don't mimic the behavior. That gives it power. And remember, this person cares about you. Otherwise this wouldn't be happening.

great feedback on this issue. however,...can anyone give a really sharp/jawdropping/sophisticated way to respond once that passive aggressive person finally decides to contact/speak to you again. meaning how to respond to let them know that you are privy to their game and it's childish and uncalled for and you won't tolerate it further?

You could say "so you're talking again now?" but they might get cranky again. It's worth a try. You could also communicate using notes and/or hand signals.

I am dealing with this now as well with my husband. Whenever we have a coversation and he knows he is wrong he continues to sit there and not say anything. He is extremely jealous and insecure. But I am on my last rope. Whenever I tell him I am leaving the marriage he seems to perk up and start to talk or give me a little of what I want in the conversation.

A passive aggressive response won't work on a REAL passive aggressive. They're too good at it and you will lose the game if you enter it.

maybe because they are unhappy about something that they are embarrassed to admit to. For example, jealousy is not something many ppl like to admit to, so they are quiet to punish you, but dont have the guts to say anything.

So I got fed up with getting attitude, condescension and control issues from someone who I thought was a friend. Instead of telling them this, which is very uncomfortable, I just stopped taking their phone calls, emails etc. I understand this isn't ideal, since it doesn't really address the relationship at all, and the person is still emailing. Now enough time has passed to make it really strange, and I just don't want to deal with this person. I don't know how to tell them I don't want a relationship, esp. because we are male, and he is especially stereotypically cool-dude-whatever. I do want to let him know though that his attitude and games are unacceptable. So now what?

I am dating a guy that is 58 years old and gives me the silent treatment for days (4+). I can't stand it. I told him many time that it hurt me. He always promises that he would not do it again and then the next month he does it again. I don't want to leave him but I am miserable. What do I do? Help me to understand and to stop this behavior.

My husband gives me silent treatment and says he wants to leave me. After a few days he comes and says sorry and that he wants this marriage. Silent treatment follows after a fight and usually happens after 3-4 weeks. This time he got to the extreme... I tried to ask him why he was so upset when the fight was already resolved...to that he just said he never wanted to marry me and that he never loved me but did the whole thing for his family. He went to the extent of telling his dad about it and sent me an email asking when exactly will I move out and that he is gonna seek legal help for the divorce... I don't understand this, when he is normal he tells me he is crazy abt me and that he is the luckiest man in this world and then doesn this. He won't talk to me at all and now is behaving like a cold room mate with me. Does anyone have any advice for me.

What happens when two people are passive aggressive but in varying degrees?

Unless the person is just temporarily 'cooling off' before responding, the silent treatment (in my opinion) is meant to 'punish' the other person. By reacting by feeling hurt or ostracized you are giving them what they want and reinforcing that behavior. You are confirming that is a good way to 'get back at you'. I have someone in my life who tends to do this a lot, and I prefer to ignore that behavior and enjoy the peace and quiet until they get over their little twit and are willing to discuss issues opening and maturely. By returning the silent treatment you are validating their negative behavior. Instead keep on talking to them if you must and when you get no reply come up with an appropriate response that simply states without their input you'll have to decide on your own, etc. or whatever is appropriate.

It seems to me that I have just recognized the P/A in my husband. In the past I thought it was me that was creating his silence and controlling behavior. I now know that it is his childhood, and I now have to think about staying with this man. My life has been made hell, rather I think I allowed this abuse in that I did not recognize the symtoms. At anyrate, his controlling and silence has awakened me to realize it is his problem and not mine......I will not tolorate it any longer....will get on with my life without or with him, but will maintain my dignity and independence. He needs help, not my problem. He cheats, lies and manipulates women.....I have been stupid to put up with his disorder. No more.

The silent treatment hurts me so much. When I ask if something is bothering him he tells me I am trying to start problems, when I am silent he tells me I am trying to hurt him. It sounds nice to acknowledge that he is obviously in thought and I hopes he can talk to me about what ever it is, he tells me I am imagining things. Being silent to him only makes things worse.. so what other thngs can I do?

After reviewing these answers I took myself by the hand and decided I was not going to participate in p/a behavior by being silent as well.I took the DAY to write out in a concise manner how the silent tx affected me, what I needed/wanted for us in a positive none accusatory (no you statements) manner and gave it to him. He didnt talk about it but his behavior was more positive and open. I can not expect his behavior to change but I can change how I respond to it.. and at least not become like him to be with him. I think most people have some aspect of their life that they handle in a p/a manner but I dont want to allow myself be become proficiant at it because I live with one.

After 37 yrs of this behavior in and out of the bedroom I asked him to move out our BR..He did and apologized for "what happened in the bedroom".... it has been nearly a year and at first my expectation were that he would come back to me in some way and show that he wanted to make things work... He takes no responsibility and seems to enjoy bringing me to tears or rage... He cannot talk to me in a decent tone to save his soul he is all that PA are and then some... He has admitted to me that ignoring me is the only way to get my attention and that he knows he has serious control issues and the latest is "I am playing a phycological game just to get a reaction from you! I could write a book... he lies and and my trust is gone...Less is more with him... We have been to counseling and those who really got was going on eventually told him that they could not help him, because he was playing games with them...My deepest concern is his violent temper that shows up at our place of business...at home he just doesn't engage... It's maddening! I find the longer that this continues the less feelings I have for him... Should I hold out any hope?